How do I navigate my new overbearing friend?

[Anonymous]

I met her when I was out with my fiancé for New Years, and we seemingly hit it off. My fiancé and I moved here a year ago from the Midwest, so I thought it would be great to have a new girlfriend. We’ve hung out once a month, sometimes twice since we met. We even went on a day trip to Philadelphia, which I had a good time. We don’t talk all the time and just stick to hanging out for the most part so we’re not that close.

She came over to our house last week which was the first time I had seen in her in about a month. I was telling her how one of my best friends/bridesmaid decided to ditch my bachelorette last minute (she’s been acting off for months), which made me very sad. I was telling her how this had me in tears earlier in the week and how things had been feeling heavy. In turn, she was telling me how she’s going to go through her mother’s things and how hard it’ll be (she died recently). I told her to let me know if she needs help to let me know.

As she was leaving I asked her where she gets candles. She told me this small shop in Kentucky. Today, I come home and I have a package. I open it up and it’s 3 candles from the shop she mentioned with a note that said, “ I know last week had been tough, so I wanted to send a little care your way. I’m really glad we’ve gotten to know each other—here for you. And happy belated birthday!”. The sentiment is very nice but it seems a bit much? As I mentioned, we’re not that close. She randomly called me on FaceTime last month, which threw me off because we don’t have that type of relationship/friendship but that was whatever. This seems too much. You come to my house once and send me gifts? I like her but she’s a bit overbearing. How do I navigate this?

[Anonymous]

Light some candles and take a bath

[Anonymous]

This sounds like perfectly normal friendship.

[Anonymous]

Very thoughtful gesture. Beats the friend who ditched your event last minute.

[Anonymous]

You go to therapy to find out why this bothers you.

[Anonymous]

I mean the flip of that is you’ve only hung out with her a couple times and now you’re spilling your guts that you’re crying over your bachelorette party. Why do you get to treat her like your personal therapist but expect her to leave you alone unless summoned?

Especially weird since her mother just passed. Have some perspective. She’s probably struggling way more than you are, yet she’s the one trying to offer support. She probably needs the emotional support herself and is trying to build the friendship in a way that isn’t self-serving.

Sorry but you sound like a user. That you want the benefits of a deep, close friendship where you can cry about a stupid bachelorette party but don’t want to reciprocate. If you want shallow friendships where you just see each other once a month, that’s fine, but keep the conversations light hearted and don’t turn them into therapy sessions.

[Anonymous]

It was a nice gesture, she doesn’t sound overbearing at all. Just tell her you’re not a face time person. The gift was sweet.

[Anonymous]

She sounds thoughtful and caring. I don’t understand why this bothers you. If she FaceTimes and you’re not available simply don’t pick up.

[Anonymous]

That was incredibly lovely. I don’t consider it overbearing. It sounds like she is looking for a closer friendship than you are, but there are a lot of people who would be touched and appreciative.

But to kind of put a negative spin on it, or find fault with her does not reflect well on you.

[Anonymous]

She sounds fantastic. What’s your problem?

[Anonymous]

What? She seems very nice. Good luck having no friends in the future.

[Anonymous]

Some people like to give gifts. I am one of those people. I listen to what people say and like to surprise them with things when I can.

If you don't like it, then don't be friends with her, but I personally don't find her overbearing.

[Anonymous]

I think this is triggering something for you. It sounds perfectly normal. How would any of us make new friends if we couldn't keep increasing the intimacy of our connection? You already took a day trip to Philly, so it's not like you're just "had coffee twice" friends.

I've struggled with friendships as an adult. When you're young, you have so much proximity in the same place in life. As you get older, that changes, so you have to be more proactive. I've spent a lot of time wishing I was closer to certain women, yet lacking the confidence to purse them. On the flip side, I've had women pursue a close relationship with me that made me feel like, "Wait, what? We're not that kind of friends?" So maybe that is my fear of being known, or of being rejected, talking.

In any event, I'm going through a divorce, and that has made me go deeper with a lot of my friendships, and I'm very happy about that. But I wish I hadn't waited for a crisis to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's me but when I feel comfortable enough to invite someone to my home (Im assuming this is one on one and not event) than I would consider that a closer / getting to be friends stage than a passing acquaintance.

That aside, either you don't like her much orrrrr you're being weird. I don't want to really use the trendy love languages thing, but ppl do express their kindness and thoughtfulness in different ways. Your reaction of suspicion and really giving her the side eye for simply being kind is odd.

One thing to maybe talk to your therapist about - do you like yourself and do you think you deserve kindness? Because when you think there is something wrong with ppl who like you back, then it's usually your own insecurities. Think back to when we use to push back the guys that "were too nice" or "liked us too much"...it's the same issue.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're used to being treated badly in your friendships and your friendships are largely superficial and dramatic.

She seems lovely and thoughtful.