How do I navigate my new overbearing friend?

[Anonymous]

You find a FaceTime more intense than offering to help her with her mom’s things? That’s so very odd.

[Anonymous]

OP feels intimidated by this lovely person. It's hard to accept kindness when you feel you don't deserve it and feel pressured to earn it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please send your castoff, overbearing friend my way! She’s sounds like a loving, thoughtful and kind person.

I thought you were going to describe someone truly overbearing and well, toxic.

I long ago ditched a burgeoning friendship with another new mom who took to lecturing and berating me about newborn health, nutrition and safety. That’s overbearing.

+1. Seriously.

+1,000,000

OP, maybe google the word overbearing? Do you not understand what it means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please send your castoff, overbearing friend my way! She’s sounds like a loving, thoughtful and kind person.

I thought you were going to describe someone truly overbearing and well, toxic.

I long ago ditched a burgeoning friendship with another new mom who took to lecturing and berating me about newborn health, nutrition and safety. That’s overbearing.

+1. Seriously.

+1,000,000

OP, maybe google the word overbearing? Do you not understand what it means?

PP and happy to help!

Here, OP;

unpleasantly or arrogantly domineering.
"he can't wait to get away from his overbearing parents"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please send your castoff, overbearing friend my way! She’s sounds like a loving, thoughtful and kind person.

I thought you were going to describe someone truly overbearing and well, toxic.

I long ago ditched a burgeoning friendship with another new mom who took to lecturing and berating me about newborn health, nutrition and safety. That’s overbearing.

+1. Seriously.

+1,000,000

OP, maybe google the word overbearing? Do you not understand what it means?

Maybe overbearing isn’t the right word but too intimate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her mom died recently and she talked about that w you and you had a friend disappointment and talked to her about that. You’re getting closer. Also, I agree w PP: have some perspective. Her mom just died and she is undoubtedly in a lot of emotional pain/grief. No matter what her relationship with her mom was like, losing a parent is a huge deal. She needs friends right now. If you can’t be a good friend to her, why? What are you afraid of? Getting too close w somrone?

You mention you’re from the Midwest (or moved to DC from the Midwest) I lived in the Midwest for 9 years and though im very outgoing and friendly, it was so hard to make real friends there. Midwest people are kind but distant. It’s hard to become close bc they don’t really let you in. They have their family and their little friend group from childhood or hs or college and it’s very insular. They’re not open to making new, close friends. Maybe you fit that Midwest stereotype too, OP. Nice but just looking for surface level relationships.

I’m not sure if this makes a difference or not but her mom died in August, so it isn’t recent. She was talking about her because this was a few days after Mother’s Day. I offered to help her with moving her mom’s things because it was a considerate thing to do and wanted to be a good friend. I don’t want you all to think I’ve dismissed her grief.

Maybe it is a Midwest thing - “kind but distant”. I don’t know.

Yeah ok based on the bolded, you don’t get to *SoB* about someone not being able to make it to your bach wtf is wrong w you. (Also if she actually really wanted and was able to go, she would, so clearly something serious came up or she realized she can’t afford it but again you’re too selfish to see this)

Agree that you’re a user, and your actions are not “distant” or cultural at all, don’t even.

Sorry you felt so violated that someone thought of you and tried to send you something small that she literally knew you would like, to brighten your day. Why on earth would you travel with someone you don’t actually consider to be a close, or-hopefully-will-be friend? I would LOVE a friend like this. I have friends like this. I aspire to be a friend like this. (Yours are crapping out of your bach and you can’t take it in stride so clearly there is something underlying this and you know it) It’s not even like she showed up unannounced at your door with the candles way over-wrapped and then barged in for 3 hours. THAT would be overbearing. She just had them shipped to you.

Seriously what’s going on w your wedding planning or your fiancé that you’re scapegoating your feelings of having your toes stepped on, onto this lovely new friend who is lower-stakes to you because she is new, less-known, wounded? Embarrassed to invite her to your wedding? Is the family member who’s paying for the thing blocking your dream aesthetic? Someday when your mom dies and you’re alone and you haven’t spoken to this woman in years, you are going to think back on all of this with regret. Hopefully you’ll have widened up and have better friends who will offer you compassion and not cry at you about how their sofa didn’t get delivered on time or whatever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please send your castoff, overbearing friend my way! She’s sounds like a loving, thoughtful and kind person.

I thought you were going to describe someone truly overbearing and well, toxic.

I long ago ditched a burgeoning friendship with another new mom who took to lecturing and berating me about newborn health, nutrition and safety. That’s overbearing.

+1. Seriously.

+1,000,000

OP, maybe google the word overbearing? Do you not understand what it means?

Maybe overbearing isn’t the right word but too intimate?

Some candles are too intimate from someone you’ve hung with once or twice a month with for a year? Now I want to know why your bridesmaid ditched you.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like normal friendship behavior. This is not overbearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go to therapy to find out why this bothers you.

Yeah, you may have some attachment issues (avoidant?). This is a normal gesture.

If she proposes doing something you don't want to do, just say no!

That's what I was thinking. Avoidant attachment. Overwhelmed at normal emotional intimacy because they are afraid of not being able to meet the other person's expectations.

Sounds very sweet and she seems like a great person. Own your own anxiety about this and don't put it on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean the flip of that is you’ve only hung out with her a couple times and now you’re spilling your guts that you’re crying over your bachelorette party. Why do you get to treat her like your personal therapist but expect her to leave you alone unless summoned?

Especially weird since her mother just passed. Have some perspective. She’s probably struggling way more than you are, yet she’s the one trying to offer support. She probably needs the emotional support herself and is trying to build the friendship in a way that isn’t self-serving.

Sorry but you sound like a user. That you want the benefits of a deep, close friendship where you can cry about a stupid bachelorette party but don’t want to reciprocate. If you want shallow friendships where you just see each other once a month, that’s fine, but keep the conversations light hearted and don’t turn them into therapy sessions.

+1000

I'd love to see the friend's post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please send your castoff, overbearing friend my way! She’s sounds like a loving, thoughtful and kind person.

I thought you were going to describe someone truly overbearing and well, toxic.

I long ago ditched a burgeoning friendship with another new mom who took to lecturing and berating me about newborn health, nutrition and safety. That’s overbearing.

+1. Seriously.

+1,000,000

OP, maybe google the word overbearing? Do you not understand what it means?

Maybe overbearing isn’t the right word but too intimate?

Jeez, it's not like she bought you a vibrator. Candles are like the go-to house warming present. They're very bland as gifts go.

[Anonymous]

You do this:

I was telling her how one of my best friends/bridesmaid decided to ditch my bachelorette last minute (she’s been acting off for months), which made me very sad. I was telling her how this had me in tears earlier in the week and how things had been feeling heavy.

And she buys you a candle but SHE is the one who is too overbearing? GMAFB.

[Anonymous]

It's a candle, OP. It's just a nice gesture because you mentioned candles and you were having a hard time. She is being friendly. It's not too intimate and it's certainly not overbearing. Your perceptions of others' gestures are way off base and almost bordering on paranoia.

[Anonymous]

Can I be friends with candle lady?
OP you sound kind of awful. I guess you already have "tons of close friends" and are just too busy for more, right?
She clearly wants to be closer with you. This is why I find friendship so hard. It's like trying to date a woman. You have to be "chill" so they don't think you're desperate but not so chill that you're no fun.

[Anonymous]

Team New Friend