If someone can’t host a play date because their home is too small…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for the replies! I agree that I think something else is going on besides the small house. I actually suspect that her husband is dealing with some kind mental illness, but I don’t know her that well, so she hasn’t said anything.

The issue isn’t that she doesn’t reciprocate. She has taken my child to the zoo a couple of times. It’s that sometimes I have something else I want to do during the time the boys make plans to get together.

I’m okay leaving my son (9) alone, but I don’t want to leave both boys on their own for more than a few minutes.

If you suspect her DH is having some mental health issues, then maybe the time your child spends with hers isn’t the time for you to schedule your other things. She may truly need the companionship from you during her time out of the house with her child. Does your child have drop off playdates with any other friends that you could use for running your own errands instead of this one friend?

My child is old enough to be left home with older siblings if I need to run an errand. I sometimes have specific things I want to do at specific times.
And I do think it’s important to her and to both of the boys to foster this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for the replies! I agree that I think something else is going on besides the small house. I actually suspect that her husband is dealing with some kind mental illness, but I don’t know her that well, so she hasn’t said anything.

The issue isn’t that she doesn’t reciprocate. She has taken my child to the zoo a couple of times. It’s that sometimes I have something else I want to do during the time the boys make plans to get together.

I’m okay leaving my son (9) alone, but I don’t want to leave both boys on their own for more than a few minutes.

Your son should check with you first and if he doesn't it is fine to cancel . This seems like the bigger issue.

This - my kid is about the same age and after some confusion and frustration on my end- she now knows she has to clear it with both parents and the parents need to confirm with each other.

[Anonymous]

I'm a parent who has used "busy" and "too small" as excuses for DH's mental illness. In our case it presented in a way that you wouldn't have wanted your kid at my house during those times.

I think it's fine to say "It sounds like the boys want to plan something on Saturday, but unfortunately, I'm not available to supervise at that time. Does it work for you to have them, or should we reschedule?"

And then accept "Sure, I can take them to bowling" or "I'm afraid I can't either, let's find another time" or whatever she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for the replies! I agree that I think something else is going on besides the small house. I actually suspect that her husband is dealing with some kind mental illness, but I don’t know her that well, so she hasn’t said anything.

The issue isn’t that she doesn’t reciprocate. She has taken my child to the zoo a couple of times. It’s that sometimes I have something else I want to do during the time the boys make plans to get together.

I’m okay leaving my son (9) alone, but I don’t want to leave both boys on their own for more than a few minutes.

Your son should check with you first and if he doesn't it is fine to cancel . This seems like the bigger issue.

This - my kid is about the same age and after some confusion and frustration on my end- she now knows she has to clear it with both parents and the parents need to confirm with each other.

Yup. Our rule is "an invitation is only real/plan is only confirmed if I hear it from a parent." Kids will constantly make plans and then be told they have baseball practice or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a parent who has used "busy" and "too small" as excuses for DH's mental illness. In our case it presented in a way that you wouldn't have wanted your kid at my house during those times.

I think it's fine to say "It sounds like the boys want to plan something on Saturday, but unfortunately, I'm not available to supervise at that time. Does it work for you to have them, or should we reschedule?"

And then accept "Sure, I can take them to bowling" or "I'm afraid I can't either, let's find another time" or whatever she says.

That’s a good point. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that would come off as really weird.

How small is this house that it can’t fit a child for a couple hours? Is this a house for ANTS?!

We have 1000 square feet... its very small.

If you can fit one child, you can fit two children. My daughter goes over to play at her friend's one bedroom apartment all the time. She has a blast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for the replies! I agree that I think something else is going on besides the small house. I actually suspect that her husband is dealing with some kind mental illness, but I don’t know her that well, so she hasn’t said anything.

The issue isn’t that she doesn’t reciprocate. She has taken my child to the zoo a couple of times. It’s that sometimes I have something else I want to do during the time the boys make plans to get together.

I’m okay leaving my son (9) alone, but I don’t want to leave both boys on their own for more than a few minutes.

If you suspect her DH is having some mental health issues, then maybe the time your child spends with hers isn’t the time for you to schedule your other things. She may truly need the companionship from you during her time out of the house with her child. Does your child have drop off playdates with any other friends that you could use for running your own errands instead of this one friend?

Sorry, disagree. It sounds like non-hosting mom has been very nice and reciprocated with zoo trips and does not need to host in her home if there is a mental health situation going on that would maybe make it unsafe for OP’s son to visit or would reveal too much of their family’s privacy. But I draw the line at expecting OP to rearrange her schedule/errands/life in an inconvenient way when the other family hasn’t even explained there is a crisis or extenuating circumstance. I’m not saying they owe her disclosure, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect her to drop everything and repeatedly inconvenience herself without an understanding that there’s a real need or reason outside of the other kid just begging to go to OP’s house all the time.

[Anonymous]

As the person with the small (albeit neat) house, I suspect she feels very inferior to you.
My kids have friends over all the time whose mothers' opinions I am not worried about. But when the kid whose mom has high social status wanted to come over, I suggested meeting at a park because I didn't want her to see my tiny house and her kid to ask where the fun stuff is like he has at home. I know it's silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that would come off as really weird.

How small is this house that it can’t fit a child for a couple hours? Is this a house for ANTS?!

We have 1000 square feet... its very small.

That’s not small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your house neat and all pulled together? They may have a small house that’s a mess and are embarrassed. Once I had kids my tidy tiny apartment without clutter became a disaster zone. I had some friends with equally messy houses and they would come over. But if your house looks instagram ready, we would meet at a park.

Oof, this can be a factor. We live in a small 19th century rowhome that doesn't have much storage (only two closets in the entire house, no garage or space for a shed outdoors), and it just never looks as neat as the homes of our friends that are much bigger and newer. They generally have more kids' stuff than we do, they just also have more mudrooms, closets, and finished basements to hide it in.

That said, it doesn't stop me from having just the kids over. It does make me less likely to host larger all-ages gatherings if we don't know the family well.

But OP, playmates are for the kids, not for babysitting. If you feel like they're being used for babysitting (the other family is asking you to host at very specific times, the kids aren't enjoying them), feel free to say "no" or "we can't have anyone over that day because of my schedule, but Jr could go over to your place or the park with you if you want."

If you're actually doing the inviting because the kids are asking, and just upset that they're not reciprocating...just get over it? Be grateful for your big house and flexibility and host as much as you are comfortable doing to foster your kids' friendships.

OP here. I don’t feel like I’m being used.
I am being asked to host at specific times because the kids have other stuff going on.

Just say it doesn’t work with your schedule if it doesn’t. This family needs some grace from the sound of it. I wouldn’t look for them to reciprocate. I honestly never care about that, some families have issues that make it hard for them.

[Anonymous]

We have a 900 square foot house with a finished basement and yard and yes we host for friends in our same situation my child has some really wealthy friends. For those we go to their house or host at a park or activity. I like my house but it is tiny and old. I can’t compete with the huge perfect looking homes. Maybe it is a me problem but I don’t want to feel embarrassed or judged. We just aren’t in the same economic situations. Spare me the lectures people can and do judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who had the smaller house, if they wanted to host they would. We hosted many playdates and sleepovers over the years. Or found outings instead of playdates at home if we wanted something different.

I never would have taken a friend up on an offer to babysit at their home. That would have felt like hired help rather than a friend having a playdate.

I had the smaller house, too. Still had playdates. What are they living in, OP, a bachelor's suite?

Your proposal would have made me wonder if you thought I owed you something. No way.

Kids can play in a small house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for the replies! I agree that I think something else is going on besides the small house. I actually suspect that her husband is dealing with some kind mental illness, but I don’t know her that well, so she hasn’t said anything.

The issue isn’t that she doesn’t reciprocate. She has taken my child to the zoo a couple of times. It’s that sometimes I have something else I want to do during the time the boys make plans to get together.

I’m okay leaving my son (9) alone, but I don’t want to leave both boys on their own for more than a few minutes.

If you suspect her DH is having some mental health issues, then maybe the time your child spends with hers isn’t the time for you to schedule your other things. She may truly need the companionship from you during her time out of the house with her child. Does your child have drop off playdates with any other friends that you could use for running your own errands instead of this one friend?

Sorry, disagree. It sounds like non-hosting mom has been very nice and reciprocated with zoo trips and does not need to host in her home if there is a mental health situation going on that would maybe make it unsafe for OP’s son to visit or would reveal too much of their family’s privacy. But I draw the line at expecting OP to rearrange her schedule/errands/life in an inconvenient way when the other family hasn’t even explained there is a crisis or extenuating circumstance. I’m not saying they owe her disclosure, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect her to drop everything and repeatedly inconvenience herself without an understanding that there’s a real need or reason outside of the other kid just begging to go to OP’s house all the time.

Who said OP needs to rearrange anything or drop everything? If they are invited to do something at a time that doesn’t work for her she can simply decline the invitation.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm the PP who said that my DH's mental illness and other issues would made hosting in our house hard.

I am unclear who is asking for these playdates. If your kid is going to school, and making plans with another kid without running them by you, and he's the one coming back and asking for the playdates, then you need to set boundaries for your kid. Blaming the other parent for saying no to their kid about hosting, because you don't want to do so with your kid, isn't reasonable.

On the other hand, if the other parent is reaching out and asking you to host, then you have a few choices.

1) If they're asking for childcare purposes, then you can ask for childcare purposes back. The PP who said to call and say "I have an appointment, can you take him?" Then the other mom can figure out whether she wants to exchange childcare and if so where it could take place.

2) You can say no.

3) You can say what I suggested above, about your kid being available but you aren't, and let the other parent either tell her kid no, or come up with a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a 900 square foot house with a finished basement and yard and yes we host for friends in our same situation my child has some really wealthy friends. For those we go to their house or host at a park or activity. I like my house but it is tiny and old. I can’t compete with the huge perfect looking homes. Maybe it is a me problem but I don’t want to feel embarrassed or judged. We just aren’t in the same economic situations. Spare me the lectures people can and do judge.

You have a 900 square foot house that's actually 1200 with a yard, and one child. You don't mention an elderly grandparent living in the living room because they can't get upstairs, or a parent who is working from home and needs quiet, or a parent working the night shift who needs to sleep, or other things, or multiple other siblings.