If someone can’t host a play date because their home is too small…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for the replies! I agree that I think something else is going on besides the small house. I actually suspect that her husband is dealing with some kind mental illness, but I don’t know her that well, so she hasn’t said anything.

The issue isn’t that she doesn’t reciprocate. She has taken my child to the zoo a couple of times. It’s that sometimes I have something else I want to do during the time the boys make plans to get together.

I’m okay leaving my son (9) alone, but I don’t want to leave both boys on their own for more than a few minutes.

If you suspect her DH is having some mental health issues, then maybe the time your child spends with hers isn’t the time for you to schedule your other things. She may truly need the companionship from you during her time out of the house with her child. Does your child have drop off playdates with any other friends that you could use for running your own errands instead of this one friend?

Sorry, disagree. It sounds like non-hosting mom has been very nice and reciprocated with zoo trips and does not need to host in her home if there is a mental health situation going on that would maybe make it unsafe for OP’s son to visit or would reveal too much of their family’s privacy. But I draw the line at expecting OP to rearrange her schedule/errands/life in an inconvenient way when the other family hasn’t even explained there is a crisis or extenuating circumstance. I’m not saying they owe her disclosure, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect her to drop everything and repeatedly inconvenience herself without an understanding that there’s a real need or reason outside of the other kid just begging to go to OP’s house all the time.

Who said OP needs to rearrange anything or drop everything? If they are invited to do something at a time that doesn’t work for her she can simply decline the invitation.

She said “I sometimes have specific things I want to do at specific times.”
And “I am being asked to host at specific times.” To me that means she’s not the one who invited the kid to her house, and the time being suggested is not one she finds convenient. I agree it’s confusing why she doesn’t just say “I have to pick up my dry cleaning today before they close at 6” or “I’m meeting my cousin at CrossFit at 5 and can’t host today, but Larlo could play at your house or come here Sunday at 2.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm the PP who said that my DH's mental illness and other issues would made hosting in our house hard.

I am unclear who is asking for these playdates. If your kid is going to school, and making plans with another kid without running them by you, and he's the one coming back and asking for the playdates, then you need to set boundaries for your kid. Blaming the other parent for saying no to their kid about hosting, because you don't want to do so with your kid, isn't reasonable.

On the other hand, if the other parent is reaching out and asking you to host, then you have a few choices.

1) If they're asking for childcare purposes, then you can ask for childcare purposes back. The PP who said to call and say "I have an appointment, can you take him?" Then the other mom can figure out whether she wants to exchange childcare and if so where it could take place.

2) You can say no.

3) You can say what I suggested above, about your kid being available but you aren't, and let the other parent either tell her kid no, or come up with a plan.

OP here. The other mom texts me and says that the boys made plans. She kind of pushes me back when I say “no.”
Friday, she said, “I kind of feel bad for Larlo, in his little voice memo that he sent me. He sounded so confident and self assured that this is going to happen.”
Another time she sent out a group text to work out a time for the boys to have a sleepover with their whole friend group. She didn’t ask, but it was clear that the plan was to have it at my house.

It isn’t that I need childcare. My kids can stay at home on their own. It’s that I have to provide childcare when her son is here. Two 9 year old boys get into a lot of trouble that one 9 y/o boy does not!

She’s really nice, and she does take my son out, and the boys have a really good time together. I don’t want to be annoyed about this. I really like your idea of saying that my child is available, but I am not from x time to y time. That puts it on her to figure something out during the time I have other plans or to tell her child “no.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm the PP who said that my DH's mental illness and other issues would made hosting in our house hard.

I am unclear who is asking for these playdates. If your kid is going to school, and making plans with another kid without running them by you, and he's the one coming back and asking for the playdates, then you need to set boundaries for your kid. Blaming the other parent for saying no to their kid about hosting, because you don't want to do so with your kid, isn't reasonable.

On the other hand, if the other parent is reaching out and asking you to host, then you have a few choices.

1) If they're asking for childcare purposes, then you can ask for childcare purposes back. The PP who said to call and say "I have an appointment, can you take him?" Then the other mom can figure out whether she wants to exchange childcare and if so where it could take place.

2) You can say no.

3) You can say what I suggested above, about your kid being available but you aren't, and let the other parent either tell her kid no, or come up with a plan.

OP here. The other mom texts me and says that the boys made plans. She kind of pushes me back when I say “no.”
Friday, she said, “I kind of feel bad for Larlo, in his little voice memo that he sent me. He sounded so confident and self assured that this is going to happen.”
Another time she sent out a group text to work out a time for the boys to have a sleepover with their whole friend group. She didn’t ask, but it was clear that the plan was to have it at my house.

It isn’t that I need childcare. My kids can stay at home on their own. It’s that I have to provide childcare when her son is here. Two 9 year old boys get into a lot of trouble that one 9 y/o boy does not!

She’s really nice, and she does take my son out, and the boys have a really good time together. I don’t want to be annoyed about this. I really like your idea of saying that my child is available, but I am not from x time to y time. That puts it on her to figure something out during the time I have other plans or to tell her child “no.”

She sounds terrible. Voice memo, WTF? Doesn’t she talk to her kid face-to-face?

Then again, you don’t sound much better OP. Not saying you have to host, but you absolutely do need childcare for your 9yo even when he is alone.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP,

I'm the PP who said that my DH's mental illness and other issues would made hosting in our house hard.

I am unclear who is asking for these playdates. If your kid is going to school, and making plans with another kid without running them by you, and he's the one coming back and asking for the playdates, then you need to set boundaries for your kid. Blaming the other parent for saying no to their kid about hosting, because you don't want to do so with your kid, isn't reasonable.

On the other hand, if the other parent is reaching out and asking you to host, then you have a few choices.

1) If they're asking for childcare purposes, then you can ask for childcare purposes back. The PP who said to call and say "I have an appointment, can you take him?" Then the other mom can figure out whether she wants to exchange childcare and if so where it could take place.

2) You can say no.

3) You can say what I suggested above, about your kid being available but you aren't, and let the other parent either tell her kid no, or come up with a plan. [/quote]

OP here. The other mom texts me and says that the boys made plans. She kind of pushes me back when I say “no.”
Friday, she said, “I kind of feel bad for Larlo, in his little voice memo that he sent me. He sounded so confident and self assured that this is going to happen.”
Another time she sent out a group text to work out a time for the boys to have a sleepover with their whole friend group. She didn’t ask, but it was clear that the plan was to have it at my house.

It isn’t that I need childcare. My kids can stay at home on their own. It’s that I have to provide childcare when her son is here. Two 9 year old boys get into a lot of trouble that one 9 y/o boy does not!

She’s really nice, and she does take my son out, and the boys have a really good time together. I don’t want to be annoyed about this. I really like your idea of saying that my child is available, but I am not from x time to y time. That puts it on her to figure something out during the time I have other plans or to tell her child “no.”

[/quote]

She sounds terrible. Voice memo, WTF? Doesn’t she talk to her kid face-to-face?

Then again, you don’t sound much better OP. Not saying you have to host, but you absolutely do need childcare for your 9yo even when he is alone.[/quote]

I think she was still at work and he called before she got home.
And my 9y/o is my youngest. He’s fine here with a teenager for a couple of hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Claiming you have a small house is a poor excuse. Kids don’t care or take kids to the park. There are options.

I raised my DD in a small studio. We were down the block from a park where junkies shoot up, and the park is across the street from a halfway house for either junkies or pedophiles, I can't remember which. So if she had a friend over, they had VERY little space to play and I was Right. There. in their space almost forced to hover because there was no place to go. Like I'd be sitting on our bed and they'd be on the floor with their backs against the side of the bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Claiming you have a small house is a poor excuse. Kids don’t care or take kids to the park. There are options.

I raised my DD in a small studio. We were down the block from a park where junkies shoot up, and the park is across the street from a halfway house for either junkies or pedophiles, I can't remember which. So if she had a friend over, they had VERY little space to play and I was Right. There. in their space almost forced to hover because there was no place to go. Like I'd be sitting on our bed and they'd be on the floor with their backs against the side of the bed.

lol DCUMers always go with the most extreme situation. Yes, if you live in a literal ghetto, we excuse you from hosting. Frankly, no one would want to send their kid to your house anyway.

[Anonymous]

I would exclusively host play dates at our house for a kid whose parents do not reciprocate, if the kid was well mannered and got along well with my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that would come off as really weird.

How small is this house that it can’t fit a child for a couple hours? Is this a house for ANTS?!

We have 1000 square feet... its very small.

If you can fit one child, you can fit two children. My daughter goes over to play at her friend's one bedroom apartment all the time. She has a blast.

Ok? A one bedroom 1000 square foot apt is different from a 3 bedroom. And, often I say that when I don’t want your kid because they are rude, destructive, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Claiming you have a small house is a poor excuse. Kids don’t care or take kids to the park. There are options.

I raised my DD in a small studio. We were down the block from a park where junkies shoot up, and the park is across the street from a halfway house for either junkies or pedophiles, I can't remember which. So if she had a friend over, they had VERY little space to play and I was Right. There. in their space almost forced to hover because there was no place to go. Like I'd be sitting on our bed and they'd be on the floor with their backs against the side of the bed.

lol DCUMers always go with the most extreme situation. Yes, if you live in a literal ghetto, we excuse you from hosting. Frankly, no one would want to send their kid to your house anyway.

I’d rather have a parent that supervises.

[Anonymous]

I hate playdates. I hate that when we get an invite, we are then expected to reciprocate. I hate the invites where I'm expected to go and talk to the other mom for 2 hours. We both work, and we have a busy weeknight schedule with multiple kids' activities. We are also away 75% of the weekends for sports or family travel to do things we all enjoy, like skiing, hiking, or at the lake or beach. I know my kids, one in particular, needs to socialize, but the playdate stuff is one of my least favorite parts of parenting.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP,

I'm the PP who said that my DH's mental illness and other issues would made hosting in our house hard.

I am unclear who is asking for these playdates. [b]If your kid is going to school, and making plans with another kid without running them by you, and he's the one coming back and asking for the playdates, then you need to set boundaries for your kid. [/b]Blaming the other parent for saying no to their kid about hosting, because you don't want to do so with your kid, isn't reasonable.

On the other hand, if the other parent is reaching out and asking you to host, then you have a few choices.

1) If they're asking for childcare purposes, then you can ask for childcare purposes back. The PP who said to call and say "I have an appointment, can you take him?" Then the other mom can figure out whether she wants to exchange childcare and if so where it could take place.

2) You can say no.

3) You can say what I suggested above, about your kid being available but you aren't, and let the other parent either tell her kid no, or come up with a plan. [/quote]

OP here. The other mom texts me and says that the boys made plans. She kind of pushes me back when I say “no.”
Friday, she said, “I kind of feel bad for Larlo, in his little voice memo that he sent me. He sounded so confident and self assured that this is going to happen.”
Another time she sent out a group text to work out a time for the boys to have a sleepover with their whole friend group. She didn’t ask, but it was clear that the plan was to have it at my house.

It isn’t that I need childcare. My kids can stay at home on their own. It’s that I have to provide childcare when her son is here. Two 9 year old boys get into a lot of trouble that one 9 y/o boy does not!

She’s really nice, and she does take my son out, and the boys have a really good time together. I don’t want to be annoyed about this. I really like your idea of saying that my child is available, but I am not from x time to y time. That puts it on her to figure something out during the time I have other plans or to tell her child “no.”

[/quote]

She sounds terrible. Voice memo, WTF? Doesn’t she talk to her kid face-to-face?

Then again, you don’t sound much better OP. Not saying you have to host, but you absolutely do need childcare for your 9yo even when he is alone.[/quote]

I think she was still at work and he called before she got home.
And my 9y/o is my youngest. He’s fine here with a teenager for a couple of hours.
[/quote]

[Anonymous]

No. How is this even a question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…can I ask them to come babysit the kids some of the time while they have a play date at my house?

Absolutely not. You are extraordinarily rude and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate playdates. I hate that when we get an invite, we are then expected to reciprocate. I hate the invites where I'm expected to go and talk to the other mom for 2 hours. We both work, and we have a busy weeknight schedule with multiple kids' activities. We are also away 75% of the weekends for sports or family travel to do things we all enjoy, like skiing, hiking, or at the lake or beach. I know my kids, one in particular, needs to socialize, but the playdate stuff is one of my least favorite parts of parenting.

Absolutely. Play dates are a part of the modern day micromanaging of children that’s plaguing parenting culture. It is just too much and not needed 9/10 times. Do it when you can, or don’t - the kids will be fine. Truly, just focus on what is best for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that would come off as really weird.

How small is this house that it can’t fit a child for a couple hours? Is this a house for ANTS?!

We have 1000 square feet... it’s very small.

Kids don’t care. Really they don’t.