If someone can’t host a play date because their home is too small…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate playdates. I hate that when we get an invite, we are then expected to reciprocate. I hate the invites where I'm expected to go and talk to the other mom for 2 hours. We both work, and we have a busy weeknight schedule with multiple kids' activities. We are also away 75% of the weekends for sports or family travel to do things we all enjoy, like skiing, hiking, or at the lake or beach. I know my kids, one in particular, needs to socialize, but the playdate stuff is one of my least favorite parts of parenting.

Absolutely. Play dates are a part of the modern day micromanaging of children that’s plaguing parenting culture. It is just too much and not needed 9/10 times. Do it when you can, or don’t - the kids will be fine. Truly, just focus on what is best for you and your family.

Surely you understand that most families do not spend 75% of their weekends traveling. These moms just want to amuse their kids and might even be hoping to make some friends for themselves in the process. I know you're all so very busy and jave such packed schedules but this is just supposed to be an easy way to build friendships for both moms and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm the PP who said that my DH's mental illness and other issues would made hosting in our house hard.

I am unclear who is asking for these playdates. If your kid is going to school, and making plans with another kid without running them by you, and he's the one coming back and asking for the playdates, then you need to set boundaries for your kid. Blaming the other parent for saying no to their kid about hosting, because you don't want to do so with your kid, isn't reasonable.

On the other hand, if the other parent is reaching out and asking you to host, then you have a few choices.

1) If they're asking for childcare purposes, then you can ask for childcare purposes back. The PP who said to call and say "I have an appointment, can you take him?" Then the other mom can figure out whether she wants to exchange childcare and if so where it could take place.

2) You can say no.

3) You can say what I suggested above, about your kid being available but you aren't, and let the other parent either tell her kid no, or come up with a plan.

OP here. The other mom texts me and says that the boys made plans. She kind of pushes me back when I say “no.”
Friday, she said, “I kind of feel bad for Larlo, in his little voice memo that he sent me. He sounded so confident and self assured that this is going to happen.”
Another time she sent out a group text to work out a time for the boys to have a sleepover with their whole friend group. She didn’t ask, but it was clear that the plan was to have it at my house.

It isn’t that I need childcare. My kids can stay at home on their own. It’s that I have to provide childcare when her son is here. Two 9 year old boys get into a lot of trouble that one 9 y/o boy does not!

She’s really nice, and she does take my son out, and the boys have a really good time together. I don’t want to be annoyed about this. I really like your idea of saying that my child is available, but I am not from x time to y time. That puts it on her to figure something out during the time I have other plans or to tell her child “no.”

Oof. Yeah, you don't have to pick up what she's dropping. "It's great that they're so excited to get together! I'm not available to host Friday evening, but my kid can join if they meet up somewhere else." Or for a whole friend group sleepover...depending on how "it was clear" it might be painfully awkward, but just don't volunteer your space. And don't overexplain. Just "sorry that time/day doesn't work for us to have other kids over, can we find another place or time?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Claiming you have a small house is a poor excuse. Kids don’t care or take kids to the park. There are options.

I raised my DD in a small studio. We were down the block from a park where junkies shoot up, and the park is across the street from a halfway house for either junkies or pedophiles, I can't remember which. So if she had a friend over, they had VERY little space to play and I was Right. There. in their space almost forced to hover because there was no place to go. Like I'd be sitting on our bed and they'd be on the floor with their backs against the side of the bed.

lol DCUMers always go with the most extreme situation. Yes, if you live in a literal ghetto, we excuse you from hosting. Frankly, no one would want to send their kid to your house anyway.

Huh? We didn't live in a ghetto. There were million dollar condos less than four blocks from us. This is not a "most extreme situation." This is just my adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Surely you understand that most families do not spend 75% of their weekends traveling. These moms just want to amuse their kids and might even be hoping to make some friends for themselves in the process. I know you're all so very busy and jave such packed schedules but this is just supposed to be an easy way to build friendships for both moms and kids.

I don’t build friendships through my children. Maybe you do? That’s ok. This is just what works for me and my family.
Also, yes I am busy and no I don’t feel bad about it. We all have different situations and supports going on in our lives. Live your life, and let others live theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm the PP who said that my DH's mental illness and other issues would made hosting in our house hard.

I am unclear who is asking for these playdates. If your kid is going to school, and making plans with another kid without running them by you, and he's the one coming back and asking for the playdates, then you need to set boundaries for your kid. Blaming the other parent for saying no to their kid about hosting, because you don't want to do so with your kid, isn't reasonable.

On the other hand, if the other parent is reaching out and asking you to host, then you have a few choices.

1) If they're asking for childcare purposes, then you can ask for childcare purposes back. The PP who said to call and say "I have an appointment, can you take him?" Then the other mom can figure out whether she wants to exchange childcare and if so where it could take place.

2) You can say no.

3) You can say what I suggested above, about your kid being available but you aren't, and let the other parent either tell her kid no, or come up with a plan.

OP here. The other mom texts me and says that the boys made plans. She kind of pushes me back when I say “no.”
Friday, she said, “I kind of feel bad for Larlo, in his little voice memo that he sent me. He sounded so confident and self assured that this is going to happen.”
Another time she sent out a group text to work out a time for the boys to have a sleepover with their whole friend group. She didn’t ask, but it was clear that the plan was to have it at my house.

It isn’t that I need childcare. My kids can stay at home on their own. It’s that I have to provide childcare when her son is here. Two 9 year old boys get into a lot of trouble that one 9 y/o boy does not!

She’s really nice, and she does take my son out, and the boys have a really good time together. I don’t want to be annoyed about this. I really like your idea of saying that my child is available, but I am not from x time to y time. That puts it on her to figure something out during the time I have other plans or to tell her child “no.”

A nine year old needs supervised. Why are they sending voice messages to adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm the PP who said that my DH's mental illness and other issues would made hosting in our house hard.

I am unclear who is asking for these playdates. If your kid is going to school, and making plans with another kid without running them by you, and he's the one coming back and asking for the playdates, then you need to set boundaries for your kid. Blaming the other parent for saying no to their kid about hosting, because you don't want to do so with your kid, isn't reasonable.

On the other hand, if the other parent is reaching out and asking you to host, then you have a few choices.

1) If they're asking for childcare purposes, then you can ask for childcare purposes back. The PP who said to call and say "I have an appointment, can you take him?" Then the other mom can figure out whether she wants to exchange childcare and if so where it could take place.

2) You can say no.

3) You can say what I suggested above, about your kid being available but you aren't, and let the other parent either tell her kid no, or come up with a plan.

OP here. The other mom texts me and says that the boys made plans. She kind of pushes me back when I say “no.”
Friday, she said, “I kind of feel bad for Larlo, in his little voice memo that he sent me. He sounded so confident and self assured that this is going to happen.”
Another time she sent out a group text to work out a time for the boys to have a sleepover with their whole friend group. She didn’t ask, but it was clear that the plan was to have it at my house.

It isn’t that I need childcare. My kids can stay at home on their own. It’s that I have to provide childcare when her son is here. Two 9 year old boys get into a lot of trouble that one 9 y/o boy does not!

She’s really nice, and she does take my son out, and the boys have a really good time together. I don’t want to be annoyed about this. I really like your idea of saying that my child is available, but I am not from x time to y time. That puts it on her to figure something out during the time I have other plans or to tell her child “no.”

Oof. Yeah, you don't have to pick up what she's dropping. "It's great that they're so excited to get together! I'm not available to host Friday evening, but my kid can join if they meet up somewhere else." Or for a whole friend group sleepover...depending on how "it was clear" it might be painfully awkward, but just don't volunteer your space. And don't overexplain. Just "sorry that time/day doesn't work for us to have other kids over, can we find another place or time?"

I would be more annoyed by the entitlement of planning a sleepover with multiple kids at my home. For kids, unless it's a playing unsupervised in the backyard with neighbors, plans are not solid until an adult steps in, takes responsibility and signs off.

I like this poster's advice. This doesn't work for our family may have to be the answer. At least she does reciprocate by taking your son out. Also I agree I would never leave 2 boys that aren't siblings age 9 to 17 unattended in my home. That's a recipe for things to get broken. My brothers broke everything in our house growing up because they were always wrestling or fighting. I remember being we were teens I high school and them breaking a window wrestling.