When your husband sleeps like a baby bc you’re the keeper of all the things

[Anonymous]

My self-absorbed and oblivious husband is divorcing me for his AP, so he gets to find out just how disengaged he is.

This past weekend our daughter caught the stomach bug and projectile vomited all over a public place. I was worried about her overnight, of course, but she was at her dad's house. In the morning I texted him to ask for an update. "She seems to have slept through the night. I didn’t hear a peep from her." I texted the family group chat too, and she replied, "Bad! I threw up all night and [soiled] myself three times." So then STBX had to text me back, "Ooof. I guess I was wrong." Yeah, ya think?

My therapist says I over-functioned to make up for his deficits, and now I don't have to do that anymore, but it means our kids are learning just how unreliable he is. And so I need to weigh whether to step in on their behalf or whether to let him drop the ball. And they need to learn how to advocate for themselves with him. Ultimately it's better for all of us but yeah, it's annoying. STBX texted me yesterday that he was "somewhat hurt" and "somewhat annoyed" that he called our 13 year old three times and she declined his call each time. Gee, I wonder why she doesn't want to talk to you, and sure, I can totally see how this is something for me to manage for you. Like sir, if you wanted me to keep handling all your stress you shouldn't have run off with another woman.

[Anonymous]

My wife constantly complains about the stress of her job and acts like mine isn’t stressful.

You know why she thinks mine isn’t stressful?
Because I don’t complain about it. Because complaining about doesn’t change anything and I choose to not let the stress impact my family.

I do all the school pick up/drop off, grocery and other shopping, doctor and dentist appointments. And yet she is the constantly stressed one. She has anxiety and instead of dealing with that it is easier to blame me and the stress.

You husband isn’t to blame for how you handle stress. If it is too much don’t do it. Outsource or tell him you don’t have the bandwidth and he needs to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife constantly complains about the stress of her job and acts like mine isn’t stressful.

You know why she thinks mine isn’t stressful?
Because I don’t complain about it. Because complaining about doesn’t change anything and I choose to not let the stress impact my family.

I do all the school pick up/drop off, grocery and other shopping, doctor and dentist appointments. And yet she is the constantly stressed one. She has anxiety and instead of dealing with that it is easier to blame me and the stress.

You husband isn’t to blame for how you handle stress. If it is too much don’t do it. Outsource or tell him you don’t have the bandwidth and he needs to handle it.

In my example above, that led to my child throwing up on a towel and soiling her underwear multiple times, all alone.

It doesn't have to be a male/female thing. My husband's AP is a really neglectful mother, and her husband is the caretaker and the nurturer. But just because you feel that this doesn't apply to you, doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of people with self-absorbed, oblivious partners.

After I wrote the above, I did text STBX back with some tips about individuation in teenaged girls and how I connect with our kids when they're away from me by allowing them to "opt in" to contact with me. So for example, I send them a photo of themselves when they were little or a cute meme or something, so they know I'm always thinking of them. STBX was so excited to tell me that he had already thought of this himself and "in fact" yesterday he sent our child a photo! Just in case I didn't believe he was this awesome all by himself, he sent me a screenshot of his text to her.

He means well. He wants to have a good relationship with our kids. He wants to be a good person who isn't a cheater or a failure. But yet, somehow, there's a giant chasm between his intentions and his actions. Not everyone puts in the effort to understand and improve themselves. Some people coast and let other people do the heavy lifting. And if you're doing the heavy lifting, then you can drop the rope (and let your kid vomit on a towel by herself) or you can continue to carry it. But you can't expect someone's Grinch heart to grow three sizes in one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else have this? You have the greater professional stress and the greater administrative and child related stress so you’re constantly tossing/ turning and generally not resting as well. It makes me insane.

If you need DH or someone else to take on some of your load, or just drop some load, go for it.

But it's not going to help you make DH also insomniac.
If he's not helping, be mad about that.
Focus your concern on the help you need, not on being envious that he is mentally healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife constantly complains about the stress of her job and acts like mine isn’t stressful.

You know why she thinks mine isn’t stressful?
Because I don’t complain about it. Because complaining about doesn’t change anything and I choose to not let the stress impact my family.

I do all the school pick up/drop off, grocery and other shopping, doctor and dentist appointments. And yet she is the constantly stressed one. She has anxiety and instead of dealing with that it is easier to blame me and the stress.

You husband isn’t to blame for how you handle stress. If it is too much don’t do it. Outsource or tell him you don’t have the bandwidth and he needs to handle it.

In my example above, that led to my child throwing up on a towel and soiling her underwear multiple times, all alone.

It doesn't have to be a male/female thing. My husband's AP is a really neglectful mother, and her husband is the caretaker and the nurturer. But just because you feel that this doesn't apply to you, doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of people with self-absorbed, oblivious partners.

After I wrote the above, I did text STBX back with some tips about individuation in teenaged girls and how I connect with our kids when they're away from me by allowing them to "opt in" to contact with me. So for example, I send them a photo of themselves when they were little or a cute meme or something, so they know I'm always thinking of them. STBX was so excited to tell me that he had already thought of this himself and "in fact" yesterday he sent our child a photo! Just in case I didn't believe he was this awesome all by himself, he sent me a screenshot of his text to her.

He means well. He wants to have a good relationship with our kids. He wants to be a good person who isn't a cheater or a failure. But yet, somehow, there's a giant chasm between his intentions and his actions. Not everyone puts in the effort to understand and improve themselves. Some people coast and let other people do the heavy lifting. And if you're doing the heavy lifting, then you can drop the rope (and let your kid vomit on a towel by herself) or you can continue to carry it. But you can't expect someone's Grinch heart to grow three sizes in one day.

So are you going to marry your STBX's AP's STBX? He seems like a good dude.
This affair could be a blessing in disguise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, both the lack of sleep, peri, and DH ability to sleep 9-10 straight uninterrupted hours when pretty much our world is failing apart is maddening. Plus no sympathy or care on his end about my lack of sleep.

He is probably like quit your complaining or do something about it.

You're so cute thinking I have a second of his attention to complain. That's funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife constantly complains about the stress of her job and acts like mine isn’t stressful.

You know why she thinks mine isn’t stressful?
Because I don’t complain about it. Because complaining about doesn’t change anything and I choose to not let the stress impact my family.

I do all the school pick up/drop off, grocery and other shopping, doctor and dentist appointments. And yet she is the constantly stressed one. She has anxiety and instead of dealing with that it is easier to blame me and the stress.

You husband isn’t to blame for how you handle stress. If it is too much don’t do it. Outsource or tell him you don’t have the bandwidth and he needs to handle it.

In my example above, that led to my child throwing up on a towel and soiling her underwear multiple times, all alone.

It doesn't have to be a male/female thing. My husband's AP is a really neglectful mother, and her husband is the caretaker and the nurturer. But just because you feel that this doesn't apply to you, doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of people with self-absorbed, oblivious partners.

After I wrote the above, I did text STBX back with some tips about individuation in teenaged girls and how I connect with our kids when they're away from me by allowing them to "opt in" to contact with me. So for example, I send them a photo of themselves when they were little or a cute meme or something, so they know I'm always thinking of them. STBX was so excited to tell me that he had already thought of this himself and "in fact" yesterday he sent our child a photo! Just in case I didn't believe he was this awesome all by himself, he sent me a screenshot of his text to her.

He means well. He wants to have a good relationship with our kids. He wants to be a good person who isn't a cheater or a failure. But yet, somehow, there's a giant chasm between his intentions and his actions. Not everyone puts in the effort to understand and improve themselves. Some people coast and let other people do the heavy lifting. And if you're doing the heavy lifting, then you can drop the rope (and let your kid vomit on a towel by herself) or you can continue to carry it. But you can't expect someone's Grinch heart to grow three sizes in one day.

So are you going to marry your STBX's AP's STBX? He seems like a good dude.
This affair could be a blessing in disguise.

I know, right? Even my therapist is always like, "Sooooo . . . what is going on with, what's his name?" Like I'm just paying her to update her on all the dumb things STBX and his AP do. I'm generally good at working through grief and boundaries on my own.

Will we get together? I don't know. I did have a dream about him last night. But I think it's too soon to know if I have real feelings for him or if he's just the only man I'm close to at the moment.

My trauma buddy is a good dude. He was so worried that our friendship was too weird that he went to his old marriage counselor and got her blessing. She said yes, it seems like a positive thing for him (he admits that he struggles with discernment). So I'm kind of worried that if we did move beyond friends, we'd have to go to discernment counseling or something first, lol. I'm all about doing things right the second time but I deserve a little fun too! And he has a lot of healing to do after all the gaslighting AP did to him.

So time will tell. It's too soon for us to be ready for anything so I'm glad my crush feelings come and mostly go. And I have no idea if he likes me like that. He struggles with self-esteem more than I do so it may not even be on his radar, though I feel like I am fabulous so who wouldn't like me, right? So if I decide it's something I really want, I may have to make the first move.

I can tell you this much . . . we have a much healthier and emotionally intimate friendship than our exes' relationship. They are both avoidant, low on empathy, low on self-awareness, etc. Just one small anecdote . . . last week she was supposed to pick up someone else's kid. Her STBX used to do all the carpooling. She just totally forgot and left this child stranded in a Family Dollar parking lot. Because she doesn't have much empathy or good interpersonal skills, she didn't reach out to the mom, so the mom had to contact HER and be like, "Um, there seems to have been some kind of mix-up?" And then AP complained to her STBX that the mom was harsh to HER! I wish I could be a fly on the wall when our STBXes complain about all the self-inflicted problems they experience. So much FAFO going on.

Don't worry, I'll keep you all updated, lol.