How did you get over infidelity...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Vacation Wife" here. You can search my story- I found a lot of solace in sharing on DCUM because I wasn't seeking much support in real life with the thought of staying and not wanting to permanently tarnish family/friend relationships or views of him. I tried. I tried so, so hard. He came totally clean upon discovery, zero trickle truth. Then for 20 straight months, he threw himself into both couples and individual therapy, read all the books, adopted healthy habits (no drinking, improved diet, trained and completed a marathon), reconnected with his lifelong guy friends, was fully present at home, made a positive career move that was less stressful. I thought we were it, we were going to make it. We were going to burn the first marriage to the ground and build something foundationally sturdy and inherently beautiful in its place. Then in 2024, 20+ months after Dday, I caught him texting his high school girlfriend and the messages were all deleted. I kicked him out and never looked back.

On one hand, I feel at peace that I truly tried to muster every ounce of grace, empathy, and hope I could. I feel truthful and proud when I tell my kids that mommy gave it her all. But, man, the other hand wishes I walked away and saved myself the mental and emotional mountains I climbed to end up in the same spot.

Hugs, OP.

FWIW, I think you did the right thing. You know you gave it your best shot and you don’t have to second guess your decisions. I hope you find every happiness in your new life.

[Anonymous]

My husband cheated ten years into our marriage, when we had two small kids. We stayed together. Would I say he expressed remorse and tried to change? Yes, but he is not a deep well of introspection or self-awareness. At his core, he's just a selfish and oblivious person.

He left me at twenty years, when our relationship seemed fine (no arguments, active sex life), with no real explanation. He didn't want to go to counseling. A few weeks later I found out it was another woman. Unlike the first time, I wasn't anxious to keep him. I feel like I managed to hot-potato him to someone who deserves him.

The first time I tried to get over it. I meditated. I journaled. I did therapy. I studied Buddhism and forgiveness. But I was never able to trust him, because he's simply not a trustworthy person. I did all my work, but he didn't do his. So I could only trust myself, that I would be OK if it ever happened again. And I am.

Another betrayed spouse told me recently that he doesn't believe anyone can recover from infidelity (he forgave his wife an affair early in their marriage, only to have her cheat again when their kids were young). He said, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I actually don't totally agree with that. I think a person can do the work, but the odds are as long as an addict reaching recovery. Most people don't make it. Those who do commit their whole selves to it.

I kid you not, my stbx recently said to me, "Sometimes I wonder if there's anything I could have done to save the marriage." Hmmm, I don't know, it's a mystery! Maybe next time try not dating other people while you're married!

[Anonymous]

I didnt. DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize that most people that cheat have a serious mental illness that they’re refusing to treat.

I tried my hardest to get my now ex help and I stayed for a very, very, very long time too long.

Of course they continued to cheat, and I finally said, move to the guest room.

It was over the next year that I realized my spouse had PTSD, they finally got the treatment they needed.

Too much water under the bridge, I divorced, but we are very close and they did do all the work to become a better person. They are a good friend to me and they are a good parent, but I cannot be married to them.

I have a couple good friends that cheated as well and they all just have untreated mental illnesses.

You need to stop this with the mental illness. It’s a gross and preposterous statement. I’m truly sorry you got cheated on. But you yourself stayed for much too long, that was your choice. People make choices and decisions all the time that don’t stem from mental illness just because you or society don’t like those choices.

NP. Genuine question: do you really think youre contributing constructively to this thread?

I do. It invites the PP to examine their assumptions about mental illness and acknowledge that she had a choice in the matter, and chose to keep herself tethered to this man for much too long. What’s the definition of crazy, again? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

+100

[Anonymous]

We went to counseling and that helped. If I am being honest, our marriage wasn't great, not that it's an excuse for his cheating. It's been 4 years and things are slowly going back to normal. I didn't want to know details, so perhaps that helped

[Anonymous]

It's a pain that never goes away. Dont even hope that it will- just deal with the fact that you will never be able to fully trust this person and make your mind up if you want to be miserable forever by sticking with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a pain that never goes away. Dont even hope that it will- just deal with the fact that you will never be able to fully trust this person and make your mind up if you want to be miserable forever by sticking with them.

I understand this - I just realized I’ll have to be miserable for awhile why we try to sort it out. I do feel a bit gaslit by being told if I really loved him I would forgive him. I’m leaning into this realizing I need to be a bigger person although I did nothing wrong. Major trust issues now but also with time I kinda feel like I just don’t care anymore. Just worn down and maybe hardened. Partner thinks this whole event was good for our relationship because so far we have made it through a tough time. I feel like our relationship would be better if he hadn’t cheated but whatever. I’ve always been with great honest men and never understood why women said men are dogs but now I understand. My current boo is a menace and though all this I have found out he basically has cheated on every woman he’s been with so that was fun to find out about. I would love to let the ex girlfriend he cheated with that he had been cheating on her for years. Not sure what to do but my advice is take it day by day and if you’re not getting what best serves you leave.

[Anonymous]

“Partner thinks this whole event was good for our relationship because so far we have made it through a tough time.”

Whatttt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Partner thinks this whole event was good for our relationship because so far we have made it through a tough time.”

Whatttt?

I know right? Totally messed up. But I think he says that because he found out that I’m a solid 100% committed person and I got to find out he’s a piece of sh*t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Vacation Wife" here. You can search my story- I found a lot of solace in sharing on DCUM because I wasn't seeking much support in real life with the thought of staying and not wanting to permanently tarnish family/friend relationships or views of him. I tried. I tried so, so hard. He came totally clean upon discovery, zero trickle truth. Then for 20 straight months, he threw himself into both couples and individual therapy, read all the books, adopted healthy habits (no drinking, improved diet, trained and completed a marathon), reconnected with his lifelong guy friends, was fully present at home, made a positive career move that was less stressful. I thought we were it, we were going to make it. We were going to burn the first marriage to the ground and build something foundationally sturdy and inherently beautiful in its place. Then in 2024, 20+ months after Dday, I caught him texting his high school girlfriend and the messages were all deleted. I kicked him out and never looked back.

On one hand, I feel at peace that I truly tried to muster every ounce of grace, empathy, and hope I could. I feel truthful and proud when I tell my kids that mommy gave it her all. But, man, the other hand wishes I walked away and saved myself the mental and emotional mountains I climbed to end up in the same spot.

Hugs, OP.

Gosh. I feel like I personally know this idiot. I was ready to kick him out the first time he texted his ex girlfriend for “support.” Absolutely a sign he was immune to learning. Why- why the performance and what is so irresistible about some ex?? Good riddance, vacation wife, you can do so much better, even if you are just by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Partner thinks this whole event was good for our relationship because so far we have made it through a tough time.”

Whatttt?

I know right? Totally messed up. But I think he says that because he found out that I’m a solid 100% committed person and I got to find out he’s a piece of sh*t.

Please say he’s no longer your boo..

[Anonymous]

We are still together lots of history. I said to myself I would stay until I no longer want to. It’s running its course doubt we will survive summer. Then it’s goodbye. For us on me time to grow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Partner thinks this whole event was good for our relationship because so far we have made it through a tough time.”

Whatttt?

It’s that Esther Perel $hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Partner thinks this whole event was good for our relationship because so far we have made it through a tough time.”

Whatttt?

I’m pretty sure he feels great. The lies are off his shoulders and she is staying with him (for now) so that’s a shot of self-esteem. It just shows how little empathy he has that he *said* this to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Partner thinks this whole event was good for our relationship because so far we have made it through a tough time.”

Whatttt?

I’m pretty sure he feels great. The lies are off his shoulders and she is staying with him (for now) so that’s a shot of self-esteem. It just shows how little empathy he has that he *said* this to her.

True.