How did you get over infidelity...

[Anonymous]

"Vacation Wife" here. You can search my story- I found a lot of solace in sharing on DCUM because I wasn't seeking much support in real life with the thought of staying and not wanting to permanently tarnish family/friend relationships or views of him. I tried. I tried so, so hard. He came totally clean upon discovery, zero trickle truth. Then for 20 straight months, he threw himself into both couples and individual therapy, read all the books, adopted healthy habits (no drinking, improved diet, trained and completed a marathon), reconnected with his lifelong guy friends, was fully present at home, made a positive career move that was less stressful. I thought we were it, we were going to make it. We were going to burn the first marriage to the ground and build something foundationally sturdy and inherently beautiful in its place. Then in 2024, 20+ months after Dday, I caught him texting his high school girlfriend and the messages were all deleted. I kicked him out and never looked back.

On one hand, I feel at peace that I truly tried to muster every ounce of grace, empathy, and hope I could. I feel truthful and proud when I tell my kids that mommy gave it her all. But, man, the other hand wishes I walked away and saved myself the mental and emotional mountains I climbed to end up in the same spot.

Hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Revenge. I divorced and look hotter than ever, make more money that he does, and am having a blast 4 years out. I'm never marrying again.

👏👏👏💪💪💪

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize that most people that cheat have a serious mental illness that they’re refusing to treat.

I tried my hardest to get my now ex help and I stayed for a very, very, very long time too long.

Of course they continued to cheat, and I finally said, move to the guest room.

It was over the next year that I realized my spouse had PTSD, they finally got the treatment they needed.

Too much water under the bridge, I divorced, but we are very close and they did do all the work to become a better person. They are a good friend to me and they are a good parent, but I cannot be married to them.

I have a couple good friends that cheated as well and they all just have untreated mental illnesses.

You need to stop this with the mental illness. It’s a gross and preposterous statement. I’m truly sorry you got cheated on. But you yourself stayed for much too long, that was your choice. People make choices and decisions all the time that don’t stem from mental illness just because you or society don’t like those choices.

NP. Genuine question: do you really think youre contributing constructively to this thread?

I do. It invites the PP to examine their assumptions about mental illness and acknowledge that she had a choice in the matter, and chose to keep herself tethered to this man for much too long. What’s the definition of crazy, again? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

She said her spouse was a good parent, which means they have kids. Choosing to stay with a known cheater because you have kids is a nuanced, complicated decision that you can't judge as "mental illness" as an outsider. She finally left, and let's wish her the best going forward.

I do wish her well. Women deserve freedom and respect and to make decisions in their lives based on facts. I’m only trying to point out that saying every cheater is mentally ill is not ok. Mental illness, like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or any other disease, is just that. A disease. Its victims don’t chose to have it. Cheaters do make choices. So let’s not lump selfishly, lying cowards into the same bucket as the mentally ill. It perpetuates the stigma around mental illness and isn’t going to do justice to the fact that many women chose to stay, whatever their reasons may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Revenge. I divorced and look hotter than ever, make more money that he does, and am having a blast 4 years out. I'm never marrying again.

👸

[Anonymous]

"Vacation Wife" here. You can search my story- I found a lot of solace in sharing on DCUM because I wasn't seeking much support in real life with the thought of staying and not wanting to permanently tarnish family/friend relationships or views of him. I tried. I tried so, so hard. He came totally clean upon discovery, zero trickle truth. Then for 20 straight months, he threw himself into both couples and individual therapy, read all the books, adopted healthy habits (no drinking, improved diet, trained and completed a marathon), reconnected with his lifelong guy friends, was fully present at home, made a positive career move that was less stressful. I thought we were it, we were going to make it. We were going to burn the first marriage to the ground and build something foundationally sturdy and inherently beautiful in its place. Then in 2024, 20+ months after Dday, I caught him texting his high school girlfriend and the messages were all deleted. I kicked him out and never looked back.

On one hand, I feel at peace that I truly tried to muster every ounce of grace, empathy, and hope I could. I feel truthful and proud when I tell my kids that mommy gave it her all. But, man, the other hand wishes I walked away and saved myself the mental and emotional mountains I climbed to end up in the same spot.

Hugs, OP.

I remember you and was sad and surprised to hear you guys didn't make it. Clearly erasing texts, especially in your situation, was problematic. Do you know if it was "cheater" behavior, in that case? I thought I remembered you saying she had been through an affair in her own marriage. Let me be clear that I am not questioning you walking away - he knew what your boundaries were. I'm just curious whether his behavior was just poor coping, immaturity or something else, and I wonder how much he begged for another chance.

[Anonymous]

Statically around 75% of women and 50% of men cheat during a long term relationship. Most people will work past the cheating. It’s just part of being an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Vacation Wife" here. You can search my story- I found a lot of solace in sharing on DCUM because I wasn't seeking much support in real life with the thought of staying and not wanting to permanently tarnish family/friend relationships or views of him. I tried. I tried so, so hard. He came totally clean upon discovery, zero trickle truth. Then for 20 straight months, he threw himself into both couples and individual therapy, read all the books, adopted healthy habits (no drinking, improved diet, trained and completed a marathon), reconnected with his lifelong guy friends, was fully present at home, made a positive career move that was less stressful. I thought we were it, we were going to make it. We were going to burn the first marriage to the ground and build something foundationally sturdy and inherently beautiful in its place. Then in 2024, 20+ months after Dday, I caught him texting his high school girlfriend and the messages were all deleted. I kicked him out and never looked back.

On one hand, I feel at peace that I truly tried to muster every ounce of grace, empathy, and hope I could. I feel truthful and proud when I tell my kids that mommy gave it her all. But, man, the other hand wishes I walked away and saved myself the mental and emotional mountains I climbed to end up in the same spot.

Hugs, OP.

I remember you and was sad and surprised to hear you guys didn't make it. Clearly erasing texts, especially in your situation, was problematic. Do you know if it was "cheater" behavior, in that case? I thought I remembered you saying she had been through an affair in her own marriage. Let me be clear that I am not questioning you walking away - he knew what your boundaries were. I'm just curious whether his behavior was just poor coping, immaturity or something else, and I wonder how much he begged for another chance.

Good memory, PP. Yes, he claimed he was talking to her because her husband had an affair and they successfully reconciled and he wanted advice. But it was 375 texts in a 7 day period and all were deleted and re-deleted from the trash folder. I certainly was not going to go down that road again, particularly when I/we weren't even healed from the original affair. Not my circus anymore.

[Anonymous]

12 years in. Stayed for the kids. Relationship is okay, but you never get over it and your relationship will never be the same. Unless there are kids involved, it would be the rare situation that I think it would be worth staying.

When kids are involved your choices are either: (1) suck it up and stay in a non ideal relationship or (2) lose a good chunk of time you have with your kids, which goes by so fast.


I chose (1) and would do so again to avoid (2). But you’ll be more happy if you just accept the relationship you thought you had will never come back again

[Anonymous]

Your kids know or will learn he is a cheater and you are doing them harm by staying - you are really messing with their heads. It's the least healthy thing, for them, you can do.

I'm not addressing the immediate pp with that comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statically around 75% of women and 50% of men cheat during a long term relationship. Most people will work past the cheating. It’s just part of being an adult.

75% of women? Can you share your source?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statically around 75% of women and 50% of men cheat during a long term relationship. Most people will work past the cheating. It’s just part of being an adult.

Balony.

[Anonymous]

Statically around 75% of women and 50% of men cheat during a long term relationship. Most people will work past the cheating. It’s just part of being an adult.

Marriage is different. Ridiculous you would say this. AND your statistics include cheaters who cheat in their first marriage AND cheat in later, other marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 years in. Stayed for the kids. Relationship is okay, but you never get over it and your relationship will never be the same. Unless there are kids involved, it would be the rare situation that I think it would be worth staying.

When kids are involved your choices are either: (1) suck it up and stay in a non ideal relationship or (2) lose a good chunk of time you have with your kids, which goes by so fast.


I chose (1) and would do so again to avoid (2). But you’ll be more happy if you just accept the relationship you thought you had will never come back again

DP. And add in with 2) that you would have no control over partners your ex brings around your kids, or remarried with step sibs- whole cluster fk. Better to keep one family and all the resources, holidays, etc

[Anonymous]

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10002055/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Vacation Wife" here. You can search my story- I found a lot of solace in sharing on DCUM because I wasn't seeking much support in real life with the thought of staying and not wanting to permanently tarnish family/friend relationships or views of him. I tried. I tried so, so hard. He came totally clean upon discovery, zero trickle truth. Then for 20 straight months, he threw himself into both couples and individual therapy, read all the books, adopted healthy habits (no drinking, improved diet, trained and completed a marathon), reconnected with his lifelong guy friends, was fully present at home, made a positive career move that was less stressful. I thought we were it, we were going to make it. We were going to burn the first marriage to the ground and build something foundationally sturdy and inherently beautiful in its place. Then in 2024, 20+ months after Dday, I caught him texting his high school girlfriend and the messages were all deleted. I kicked him out and never looked back.

On one hand, I feel at peace that I truly tried to muster every ounce of grace, empathy, and hope I could. I feel truthful and proud when I tell my kids that mommy gave it her all. But, man, the other hand wishes I walked away and saved myself the mental and emotional mountains I climbed to end up in the same spot.

Hugs, OP.

But then, maybe you always would’ve wondered, “what if.” I imagine it’s only now that you can “not look back.” You’re not deluding yourself.

Did he try to convince you to stay? How is he coping with his own colossal self-destruction? You don’t have to answer that, it’s irrelevant and it’s just curiosity on my part.