How did you get over infidelity...

[Anonymous]

If your partner cheated on you, how did you move past did (if you did)? Were you able to successfully move past it, or did your attempts to get over it fail? Did the time of the relationship matter (i.e., if they cheated in the very beginning, vs at a critical time like pregnancy, or after many kids, etc)? If you did forgive, did you partner actually change or did they cheat on you again?

Interested in hearing as well from people who chose not to forgive... all insight welcomed.

[Anonymous]

Even if you stay with him, the relationship you thought you had is over

[Anonymous]

I realize that most people that cheat have a serious mental illness that they’re refusing to treat.

I tried my hardest to get my now ex help and I stayed for a very, very, very long time too long.

Of course they continued to cheat, and I finally said, move to the guest room.

It was over the next year that I realized my spouse had PTSD, they finally got the treatment they needed.

Too much water under the bridge, I divorced, but we are very close and they did do all the work to become a better person. They are a good friend to me and they are a good parent, but I cannot be married to them.

I have a couple good friends that cheated as well and they all just have untreated mental illnesses.

[Anonymous]

I made an instagram account of the pictures I found. Blocked them and family from seeing it. Now they both have a dangling safe over their heads but have no idea, someday they will be completely blindsided by someone else’s betrayal just like I was.
They are all posted as reels, some of them have become quite popular and have been shared a number of times; it won’t be long now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made an instagram account of the pictures I found. Blocked them and family from seeing it. Now they both have a dangling safe over their heads but have no idea, someday they will be completely blindsided by someone else’s betrayal just like I was.
They are all posted as reels, some of them have become quite popular and have been shared a number of times; it won’t be long now.

This is kind of awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if you stay with him, the relationship you thought you had is over

This. I went through a 2 year period of grieving that I would never have the relationship/marriage I had dreamed of. That part is really hard - starting a new family wasn’t an option for me, so even if I left I couldn’t have the devoted husband and father of my kids. That was gone forever. Took a long time to grieve that.

I never really got over it. The feelings still pop up as if it was day 1, although it happens less. Now I’m jaded and cynical about relationships. I don’t prioritize my marriage anymore, I focus on what makes me happy. I don’t really know how to explain it other than something in my brain snapped and now marriage just isn’t a priority. We still have a relationship, still together, we put on a show, but I just don’t see him the same way anymore.

He cheated while I was pregnant and postpartum with our first DC. For me, that time was so magical, and when I found out later it just tainted the whole thing. So now I don’t even like thinking about that time of my life.

[Anonymous]

I kicked him out the day I found out and divorced. It was not so much that I was hurt by the infidelity but it was the last straw for me in an awful marriage. We have kids together and by the time we divorced, I had no feelings left for him so there was no anger/bitterness to get in the way of being decent co-parents.

His cheating was the best thing that could have happened to me. Otherwise I would likely have stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for another decade. He remarried a few years later (not to the AP) and has been even worse to his second wife. I have no doubt he's cheated on her. I have stayed happily single.

[Anonymous]

It was a betrayal that led to such deep grief and distrust that I just couldn’t be with him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Never cared about my two partners enough to care. Both partners had too many mental problems for me to care. Who the heck wants them.
I would be absolutely devastated if someone I cared had done it. I'd take my time and try to get out when ready. No way back as I'm bad at forgetting and forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kicked him out the day I found out and divorced. It was not so much that I was hurt by the infidelity but it was the last straw for me in an awful marriage. We have kids together and by the time we divorced, I had no feelings left for him so there was no anger/bitterness to get in the way of being decent co-parents.

His cheating was the best thing that could have happened to me. Otherwise I would likely have stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for another decade. He remarried a few years later (not to the AP) and has been even worse to his second wife. I have no doubt he's cheated on her. I have stayed happily single.

Same. I was the frog in the boiling water, contorting myself to his moody whims. Which is an elegant way of saying he was just a disengaged, contemptuous @sshole. But how much eye rolling was too much? I couldn’t seem pull the trigger over any particular act of contempt. Then I found the text messages. It was a gut punch, and also a gift. He was out and the locks were changed within the week.

I redecorated the house. Sometimes I walk around and look at a random corner where I’d stand, watching him as he ignored me or ruefully laughed at a genuine attempt on my part at emotional connection. I’m so glad he’s gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kicked him out the day I found out and divorced. It was not so much that I was hurt by the infidelity but it was the last straw for me in an awful marriage. We have kids together and by the time we divorced, I had no feelings left for him so there was no anger/bitterness to get in the way of being decent co-parents.

His cheating was the best thing that could have happened to me. Otherwise I would likely have stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for another decade. He remarried a few years later (not to the AP) and has been even worse to his second wife. I have no doubt he's cheated on her. I have stayed happily single.

I totally agree. I too kicked him out. I'm happily single and love living alone. I have FWB which is nice and easy.

[Anonymous]

Mine had an EA about 6 months after we married. We were young (24), college sweethearts, and had moved out of town for a grad school program for him. She was a classmate, and in my opinion predatory and doing it on purpose but obviously the fault lies with him. When I discovered it, he did all the “right” things - didn’t deny it, cut contact with her fully, gave me full access to everything, let me ask him a million questions, let me be paranoid, etc.

Still it took me years to fully relax from it and obviously I’ll never forget. It’s been 20 years and we now have two teens. To my knowledge nothing else has ever happened or anything to even make me suspicious. We are actually quite happily married and I still find it so strange that the person I seem to know would have done something like that. I don’t know - maybe I should have left. I’ll never know what my life would have been instead.

[Anonymous]

My dh cheated after 20 years of marriage (together for 26 years). I caught him but he was very remorseful and did everything he possibly could to go deep into therapy, antidepressants, deeper religious work, to come to terms with his childhood trauma (which was quite real) and worked on himself so so hard knowing I would not decide whether to stay or make him go. Three children and otherwise a good marriage (people don’t realize this but it can be very true especially if the cause of the cheating is the underlying mental health problems which it was for us). For me I got much stronger through therapy and now see it for what it was. I still hate the AP very much and hate how many people I know think she is worthy of respect because of her work when it is very clear to me she is justa broken alcoholic. Anyway we are heading toward 6 years since DDay and are staying together but I will never trust him or anyone as completely as I did before (which was a mistake as it was). But you can do it if the cheating spouse takes responsibility and does all the opposite things from what led them to cheat. I am glad I was able to hang in there also for our children as it would have devastated all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh cheated after 20 years of marriage (together for 26 years). I caught him but he was very remorseful and did everything he possibly could to go deep into therapy, antidepressants, deeper religious work, to come to terms with his childhood trauma (which was quite real) and worked on himself so so hard knowing I would not decide whether to stay or make him go. Three children and otherwise a good marriage (people don’t realize this but it can be very true especially if the cause of the cheating is the underlying mental health problems which it was for us). For me I got much stronger through therapy and now see it for what it was. I still hate the AP very much and hate how many people I know think she is worthy of respect because of her work when it is very clear to me she is justa broken alcoholic. Anyway we are heading toward 6 years since DDay and are staying together but I will never trust him or anyone as completely as I did before (which was a mistake as it was). But you can do it if the cheating spouse takes responsibility and does all the opposite things from what led them to cheat. I am glad I was able to hang in there also for our children as it would have devastated all of them.

How honest/transparent with you about everything was he? Did he show you texts/messages between them, be completely honest, give you details, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh cheated after 20 years of marriage (together for 26 years). I caught him but he was very remorseful and did everything he possibly could to go deep into therapy, antidepressants, deeper religious work, to come to terms with his childhood trauma (which was quite real) and worked on himself so so hard knowing I would not decide whether to stay or make him go. Three children and otherwise a good marriage (people don’t realize this but it can be very true especially if the cause of the cheating is the underlying mental health problems which it was for us). For me I got much stronger through therapy and now see it for what it was. I still hate the AP very much and hate how many people I know think she is worthy of respect because of her work when it is very clear to me she is justa broken alcoholic. Anyway we are heading toward 6 years since DDay and are staying together but I will never trust him or anyone as completely as I did before (which was a mistake as it was). But you can do it if the cheating spouse takes responsibility and does all the opposite things from what led them to cheat. I am glad I was able to hang in there also for our children as it would have devastated all of them.

Looks like you are afraid to be alone. I am not sure you have moved on.