How did you get over infidelity...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh cheated after 20 years of marriage (together for 26 years). I caught him but he was very remorseful and did everything he possibly could to go deep into therapy, antidepressants, deeper religious work, to come to terms with his childhood trauma (which was quite real) and worked on himself so so hard knowing I would not decide whether to stay or make him go. Three children and otherwise a good marriage (people don’t realize this but it can be very true especially if the cause of the cheating is the underlying mental health problems which it was for us). For me I got much stronger through therapy and now see it for what it was. I still hate the AP very much and hate how many people I know think she is worthy of respect because of her work when it is very clear to me she is justa broken alcoholic. Anyway we are heading toward 6 years since DDay and are staying together but I will never trust him or anyone as completely as I did before (which was a mistake as it was). But you can do it if the cheating spouse takes responsibility and does all the opposite things from what led them to cheat. I am glad I was able to hang in there also for our children as it would have devastated all of them.

Looks like you are afraid to be alone. I am not sure you have moved on.

You may or may not be right, but be kinder to this poster. No doubt she has second-guessed herself enough, and if this is the decision she’s made, she doesn’t deserve our judgment. These situations always play out the way they are supposed to anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize that most people that cheat have a serious mental illness that they’re refusing to treat.

I tried my hardest to get my now ex help and I stayed for a very, very, very long time too long.

Of course they continued to cheat, and I finally said, move to the guest room.

It was over the next year that I realized my spouse had PTSD, they finally got the treatment they needed.

Too much water under the bridge, I divorced, but we are very close and they did do all the work to become a better person. They are a good friend to me and they are a good parent, but I cannot be married to them.

I have a couple good friends that cheated as well and they all just have untreated mental illnesses.

You need to stop this with the mental illness. It’s a gross and preposterous statement. I’m truly sorry you got cheated on. But you yourself stayed for much too long, that was your choice. People make choices and decisions all the time that don’t stem from mental illness just because you or society don’t like those choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize that most people that cheat have a serious mental illness that they’re refusing to treat.

I tried my hardest to get my now ex help and I stayed for a very, very, very long time too long.

Of course they continued to cheat, and I finally said, move to the guest room.

It was over the next year that I realized my spouse had PTSD, they finally got the treatment they needed.

Too much water under the bridge, I divorced, but we are very close and they did do all the work to become a better person. They are a good friend to me and they are a good parent, but I cannot be married to them.

I have a couple good friends that cheated as well and they all just have untreated mental illnesses.

You need to stop this with the mental illness. It’s a gross and preposterous statement. I’m truly sorry you got cheated on. But you yourself stayed for much too long, that was your choice. People make choices and decisions all the time that don’t stem from mental illness just because you or society don’t like those choices.

NP. Genuine question: do you really think youre contributing constructively to this thread?

[Anonymous]

How do you kick him out? Wasn't the house in joint name?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kicked him out the day I found out and divorced. It was not so much that I was hurt by the infidelity but it was the last straw for me in an awful marriage. We have kids together and by the time we divorced, I had no feelings left for him so there was no anger/bitterness to get in the way of being decent co-parents.

His cheating was the best thing that could have happened to me. Otherwise I would likely have stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for another decade. He remarried a few years later (not to the AP) and has been even worse to his second wife. I have no doubt he's cheated on her. I have stayed happily single.

I totally agree. I too kicked him out. I'm happily single and love living alone. I have FWB which is nice and easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kicked him out the day I found out and divorced. It was not so much that I was hurt by the infidelity but it was the last straw for me in an awful marriage. We have kids together and by the time we divorced, I had no feelings left for him so there was no anger/bitterness to get in the way of being decent co-parents.

His cheating was the best thing that could have happened to me. Otherwise I would likely have stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for another decade. He remarried a few years later (not to the AP) and has been even worse to his second wife. I have no doubt he's cheated on her. I have stayed happily single.

Amen to this. The day I confronted about the cheating his reaction was that he was filing for divorce. I literally instantly felt like the hugest burden had been lifted and I was going to be free of this nightmare. It enrages him that I'm all in on the divorce but that's his problem. I'm living my best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize that most people that cheat have a serious mental illness that they’re refusing to treat.

I tried my hardest to get my now ex help and I stayed for a very, very, very long time too long.

Of course they continued to cheat, and I finally said, move to the guest room.

It was over the next year that I realized my spouse had PTSD, they finally got the treatment they needed.

Too much water under the bridge, I divorced, but we are very close and they did do all the work to become a better person. They are a good friend to me and they are a good parent, but I cannot be married to them.

I have a couple good friends that cheated as well and they all just have untreated mental illnesses.

What mental illness do you think they have? No empathy? S3x addiction?

[Anonymous]

^ woman: borderline personality disorder

Man: rated high on narcissism trait spectrum/histrionic personality disorder

Man- was officially diagnosed.

Woman- from her actions and prior affairs, behavior and lack of any personal blame—but instead putting the blame on everyone else and the universe—blatantly obvious she’s BPD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if you stay with him, the relationship you thought you had is over

This. You don't get over it.

[Anonymous]

It was over when I discovered discovered the betrayal and how easily they could lie to me, but I deceived myself for years, believing I could move on. We stayed together for the sake of the kids. I can’t say I regret that because those years spent with my children were more important to me than the contempt I felt for my spouse. Eventually, my contempt turned into indifference, and our relationship resembled that of roommates, which worked for co-parenting.

[Anonymous]

Why would you forgive? It shouldn't even be a question. You don't waste time exploring forgiveness. You get on with your life, you get divorced. But I don't feel nearly as strong if you're not married. Not married is not married. Ideally you wouldn't know if your partner had doubts previously and it was a one-off event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your partner cheated on you, how did you move past did (if you did)? Were you able to successfully move past it, or did your attempts to get over it fail? Did the time of the relationship matter (i.e., if they cheated in the very beginning, vs at a critical time like pregnancy, or after many kids, etc)? If you did forgive, did you partner actually change or did they cheat on you again?

Interested in hearing as well from people who chose not to forgive... all insight welcomed.

I would not even bother forgiving a partner who cheated during pregnancy (there is no coming back from that level of deceit during such a vulnerable time), or a partner who cheated before marriage because it's so easy to leave someone if you're not already married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize that most people that cheat have a serious mental illness that they’re refusing to treat.

I tried my hardest to get my now ex help and I stayed for a very, very, very long time too long.

Of course they continued to cheat, and I finally said, move to the guest room.

It was over the next year that I realized my spouse had PTSD, they finally got the treatment they needed.

Too much water under the bridge, I divorced, but we are very close and they did do all the work to become a better person. They are a good friend to me and they are a good parent, but I cannot be married to them.

I have a couple good friends that cheated as well and they all just have untreated mental illnesses.

You need to stop this with the mental illness. It’s a gross and preposterous statement. I’m truly sorry you got cheated on. But you yourself stayed for much too long, that was your choice. People make choices and decisions all the time that don’t stem from mental illness just because you or society don’t like those choices.

NP. Genuine question: do you really think youre contributing constructively to this thread?

I do. It invites the PP to examine their assumptions about mental illness and acknowledge that she had a choice in the matter, and chose to keep herself tethered to this man for much too long. What’s the definition of crazy, again? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize that most people that cheat have a serious mental illness that they’re refusing to treat.

I tried my hardest to get my now ex help and I stayed for a very, very, very long time too long.

Of course they continued to cheat, and I finally said, move to the guest room.

It was over the next year that I realized my spouse had PTSD, they finally got the treatment they needed.

Too much water under the bridge, I divorced, but we are very close and they did do all the work to become a better person. They are a good friend to me and they are a good parent, but I cannot be married to them.

I have a couple good friends that cheated as well and they all just have untreated mental illnesses.

You need to stop this with the mental illness. It’s a gross and preposterous statement. I’m truly sorry you got cheated on. But you yourself stayed for much too long, that was your choice. People make choices and decisions all the time that don’t stem from mental illness just because you or society don’t like those choices.

NP. Genuine question: do you really think youre contributing constructively to this thread?

I do. It invites the PP to examine their assumptions about mental illness and acknowledge that she had a choice in the matter, and chose to keep herself tethered to this man for much too long. What’s the definition of crazy, again? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

She said her spouse was a good parent, which means they have kids. Choosing to stay with a known cheater because you have kids is a nuanced, complicated decision that you can't judge as "mental illness" as an outsider. She finally left, and let's wish her the best going forward.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP whose husband cheated after 20 years. Yes. Complete transparency is required. There are evidence based methods that should guide any recovery. Good therapists trained in this know this and know how not to retraumatize the betrayed spouse. Life is complicated and people who cheat do often have arrested development from childhood that has contributed to a lack of integration/ integrity.

[Anonymous]

Revenge. I divorced and look hotter than ever, make more money that he does, and am having a blast 4 years out. I'm never marrying again.