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[quote=Anonymous]My husband cheated ten years into our marriage, when we had two small kids. We stayed together. Would I say he expressed remorse and tried to change? Yes, but he is not a deep well of introspection or self-awareness. At his core, he's just a selfish and oblivious person.

He left me at twenty years, when our relationship seemed fine (no arguments, active sex life), with no real explanation. He didn't want to go to counseling. A few weeks later I found out it was another woman. Unlike the first time, I wasn't anxious to keep him. I feel like I managed to hot-potato him to someone who deserves him.

The first time I tried to get over it. I meditated. I journaled. I did therapy. I studied Buddhism and forgiveness. But I was never able to trust him, because he's simply not a trustworthy person. I did all my work, but he didn't do his. So I could only trust myself, that I would be OK if it ever happened again. And I am.

Another betrayed spouse told me recently that he doesn't believe anyone can recover from infidelity (he forgave his wife an affair early in their marriage, only to have her cheat again when their kids were young). He said, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I actually don't totally agree with that. I think a person can do the work, but the odds are as long as an addict reaching recovery. Most people don't make it. Those who do commit their whole selves to it.

I kid you not, my stbx recently said to me, "Sometimes I wonder if there's anything I could have done to save the marriage." Hmmm, I don't know, it's a mystery! Maybe next time try not dating other people while you're married![/quote]

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