Dying Sister

[Anonymous]

“Mea

[Anonymous]

OP - if you are ready to really hear what your sister has to say, then you should reach out. We have no idea whether she is a jerk who cut you off or whether the three of you are jerks who needed to be cut off. But I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. Your sister is dying and here you are on a message board complaining about your feelings, her lack of effort. etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't invite her to the baby shower. But maybe do reach out. Not by text. Maybe phone. Maybe in person.

We live 3k miles apart. But, I could phone.
I know mom means well but coercion never works. I haven't seen dying sister in 4/5 years. Middle sister probably hasn't seen her in 10 years.
She must be closer to death than we know and mom is trying to tell us this is our last chance?
However, we're adults and can decide things for ourselves.

Yes, you're an adult and can decide for yourself. Now take mom out of the picture, and imagine how you'll feel after your sister's death. Would you like to connect, if even briefly. It doesn't mean you forgive or forget. You just connect. Maybe comfort? But she may not ask that if you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't invite her to the baby shower. But maybe do reach out. Not by text. Maybe phone. Maybe in person.

We live 3k miles apart. But, I could phone.
I know mom means well but coercion never works. I haven't seen dying sister in 4/5 years. Middle sister probably hasn't seen her in 10 years.
She must be closer to death than we know and mom is trying to tell us this is our last chance?
However, we're adults and can decide things for ourselves.

Yes, you're an adult and can decide for yourself. Now take mom out of the picture, and imagine how you'll feel after your sister's death. Would you like to connect, if even briefly. It doesn't mean you forgive or forget. You just connect. Maybe comfort? But she may not ask that if you.

I think it’s impossible to know how one would feel when a sibling dies. I’m trying to be respectful and honor the boundary she set w me.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that your mom is wanting you to reconcile so she can offload some of the caregiving responsibility in to you and your sister? Has she said your sister wants to hear from you or just that " she's different now"
If sister doesn't actually want to hear from you and then you reach out, could cause more drama. I think it's wise to tell Mom you are waiting to hear directly from sister in order to continue respecting her wishes.

[Anonymous]

It's beyond tacky to send an invitation to a shower many miles away being given for someone the invitee probably isn't very close to as that invitee is dying. It's insulting. The fact that you think that is a reasonable option speaks volumes about you.

I get that she did some terrible stuff but don't be a jerk. Either contact her directly like a reasonable adult or drop this and don't contact her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless there's mental illness, nobody chooses to estrange themselves from family. This is a step people take only as a last resort. There has to be no hope before a person takes steps to cut off their family.

We don't know the back story. What was going on in your family during your childhoods and thereafter?

Only you can answer that question.

Unless your sister wants to see you, I wouldn't make any moves to reach out. That may be very stressful for her. It's stressful enough that she has to accept help from mom.

If you do see her, be kind.

well, I'm about ready to cut my mom off for her manipulative ways. I have no energy for that. And, I cannot believe she drug middle sister into this, considering her husband has about 2 more months to live.
Our dad left the family when I was 10 for antoher woman and had 3 more kids with her. Mom moved us far away and still, to this day, bristles if any of us has a relationship with him. Dying sister is the closest to him.
Knowing mom, she's fearful she's losing two family members in one year and is trying to control the situation any way she can.
She just sent me a message saying she's not manipulative because she's not asking us to do this for her.
I'm going to reply - then who do you want us to do this for? us? for dying sister? because, it's still manipulation.

You are being entirely over dramatic. Now you are cutting off mom, pissed because when your dad left her and had 3 more kids with another woman and you think she kept you from a relationship with him when it’s entirely likely he never tried, throwing around the M word. Pissed your dying sister is trying to reconnect but not in a way you approve. Everything is all about you and your self righteous attitude. Dont reach out since her death will inconvenience you. Why would you even come here for advice when you’ve known all along you weren’t going to reach out? For attention, sympathy, to see how many other narcs would side with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your mom is wanting you to reconcile so she can offload some of the caregiving responsibility in to you and your sister? Has she said your sister wants to hear from you or just that " she's different now"
If sister doesn't actually want to hear from you and then you reach out, could cause more drama. I think it's wise to tell Mom you are waiting to hear directly from sister in order to continue respecting her wishes.

I think it's not as simple as that. As parents, we always want our kids to get along, and if one of my children were dying "alone" without their siblings to come around and offer emotional and material support, it would add to my sadness. Of course, my children have never behaved badly towards each other, and OP doesn't say what led the younger sister to cut off her family. Does she have a challenging psychiatric disorder that could not be managed successfully? Often that's the explanation. Did the family ostracize her for it? Sometimes it's unjust and cruel; and sometimes it's necessary is the person lashes out and cannot be controlled. I understand OP and siblings are elderly. Their generation did not have easy access to diagnostic tools and early intervention treatments.

One of my kids has autism and severe ADHD. He was diagnosed early, and we have made it a priority to manage and treat his disorders such that he would become a (barely) functional adult. Basically our lives revolved around his needs for many years. I shudder to think what he would have become without our support (my husband is a doctor, I am a research scientist). And sadly, sometimes you can give all your love and all your money and all the treatments... but the outcome is disastrous anyway.

Anyway. Just my own point of view based on personal life experience.

So without knowing more details about OP's life, all I can do is extend my sympathies. She needs to consider whether she will have regrets for not being more supportive after her sister passes. Support to me would mean visiting her sister alone - I would not expect any sort of apology. I would come ready to listen, fetch and carry, do some light chores. I would not invite her to a family gathering until that private visit to gauge her psychological health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your mom is wanting you to reconcile so she can offload some of the caregiving responsibility in to you and your sister? Has she said your sister wants to hear from you or just that " she's different now"
If sister doesn't actually want to hear from you and then you reach out, could cause more drama. I think it's wise to tell Mom you are waiting to hear directly from sister in order to continue respecting her wishes.

I don’t think that’s a possibility. Middle sister and I both work. Dying sister does not and can afford home health care and has a husband that can help too. Mom helps w meals and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't invite her to the baby shower. But maybe do reach out. Not by text. Maybe phone. Maybe in person.

We live 3k miles apart. But, I could phone.
I know mom means well but coercion never works. I haven't seen dying sister in 4/5 years. Middle sister probably hasn't seen her in 10 years.
She must be closer to death than we know and mom is trying to tell us this is our last chance?
However, we're adults and can decide things for ourselves.

Yes, you're an adult and can decide for yourself. Now take mom out of the picture, and imagine how you'll feel after your sister's death. Would you like to connect, if even briefly. It doesn't mean you forgive or forget. You just connect. Maybe comfort? But she may not ask that if you.

I think it’s impossible to know how one would feel when a sibling dies. I’m trying to be respectful and honor the boundary she set w me.

I’m skeptical. You don’t sound respectful to your sister at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your mom is wanting you to reconcile so she can offload some of the caregiving responsibility in to you and your sister? Has she said your sister wants to hear from you or just that " she's different now"
If sister doesn't actually want to hear from you and then you reach out, could cause more drama. I think it's wise to tell Mom you are waiting to hear directly from sister in order to continue respecting her wishes.

I think it's not as simple as that. As parents, we always want our kids to get along, and if one of my children were dying "alone" without their siblings to come around and offer emotional and material support, it would add to my sadness. Of course, my children have never behaved badly towards each other, and OP doesn't say what led the younger sister to cut off her family. Does she have a challenging psychiatric disorder that could not be managed successfully? Often that's the explanation. Did the family ostracize her for it? Sometimes it's unjust and cruel; and sometimes it's necessary is the person lashes out and cannot be controlled. I understand OP and siblings are elderly. Their generation did not have easy access to diagnostic tools and early intervention treatments.

One of my kids has autism and severe ADHD. He was diagnosed early, and we have made it a priority to manage and treat his disorders such that he would become a (barely) functional adult. Basically our lives revolved around his needs for many years. I shudder to think what he would have become without our support (my husband is a doctor, I am a research scientist). And sadly, sometimes you can give all your love and all your money and all the treatments... but the outcome is disastrous anyway.

Anyway. Just my own point of view based on personal life experience.

So without knowing more details about OP's life, all I can do is extend my sympathies. She needs to consider whether she will have regrets for not being more supportive after her sister passes. Support to me would mean visiting her sister alone - I would not expect any sort of apology. I would come ready to listen, fetch and carry, do some light chores. I would not invite her to a family gathering until that private visit to gauge her psychological health.

I think I did explain previously why she cut us off.
My sister was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 11. The complications of this have led to her precarious health condition now at age 55. There was a lot of rallying around her when she was younger and my mom was a single parent. There was a lot of fending for ourselves.
I am not in a position to visit her. I have no days I can take (I’m a teacher). And she lives far away. I can in the summer though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't invite her to the baby shower. But maybe do reach out. Not by text. Maybe phone. Maybe in person.

We live 3k miles apart. But, I could phone.
I know mom means well but coercion never works. I haven't seen dying sister in 4/5 years. Middle sister probably hasn't seen her in 10 years.
She must be closer to death than we know and mom is trying to tell us this is our last chance?
However, we're adults and can decide things for ourselves.

Yes, you're an adult and can decide for yourself. Now take mom out of the picture, and imagine how you'll feel after your sister's death. Would you like to connect, if even briefly. It doesn't mean you forgive or forget. You just connect. Maybe comfort? But she may not ask that if you.

I think it’s impossible to know how one would feel when a sibling dies. I’m trying to be respectful and honor the boundary she set w me.

I’m skeptical. You don’t sound respectful to your sister at all.

So I should just blow through the boundary she set of asking us not to contact her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't invite her to the baby shower. But maybe do reach out. Not by text. Maybe phone. Maybe in person.

We live 3k miles apart. But, I could phone.
I know mom means well but coercion never works. I haven't seen dying sister in 4/5 years. Middle sister probably hasn't seen her in 10 years.
She must be closer to death than we know and mom is trying to tell us this is our last chance?
However, we're adults and can decide things for ourselves.

Yes, you're an adult and can decide for yourself. Now take mom out of the picture, and imagine how you'll feel after your sister's death. Would you like to connect, if even briefly. It doesn't mean you forgive or forget. You just connect. Maybe comfort? But she may not ask that if you.

I think it’s impossible to know how one would feel when a sibling dies. I’m trying to be respectful and honor the boundary she set w me.

I’m skeptical. You don’t sound respectful to your sister at all.

So I should just blow through the boundary she set of asking us not to contact her?

Nothing in your posts has indicated that you care about your sister and her boundary. They all suggest you care about your own feelings and how you have been wronged by your sister. If you actually care, then I’d suggest sending a written letter or email. But again, it doesn’t strike me at all like you are ready to hear what you have done to hurt your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your mom is wanting you to reconcile so she can offload some of the caregiving responsibility in to you and your sister? Has she said your sister wants to hear from you or just that " she's different now"
If sister doesn't actually want to hear from you and then you reach out, could cause more drama. I think it's wise to tell Mom you are waiting to hear directly from sister in order to continue respecting her wishes.

I think it's not as simple as that. As parents, we always want our kids to get along, and if one of my children were dying "alone" without their siblings to come around and offer emotional and material support, it would add to my sadness. Of course, my children have never behaved badly towards each other, and OP doesn't say what led the younger sister to cut off her family. Does she have a challenging psychiatric disorder that could not be managed successfully? Often that's the explanation. Did the family ostracize her for it? Sometimes it's unjust and cruel; and sometimes it's necessary is the person lashes out and cannot be controlled. I understand OP and siblings are elderly. Their generation did not have easy access to diagnostic tools and early intervention treatments.

One of my kids has autism and severe ADHD. He was diagnosed early, and we have made it a priority to manage and treat his disorders such that he would become a (barely) functional adult. Basically our lives revolved around his needs for many years. I shudder to think what he would have become without our support (my husband is a doctor, I am a research scientist). And sadly, sometimes you can give all your love and all your money and all the treatments... but the outcome is disastrous anyway.

Anyway. Just my own point of view based on personal life experience.

So without knowing more details about OP's life, all I can do is extend my sympathies. She needs to consider whether she will have regrets for not being more supportive after her sister passes. Support to me would mean visiting her sister alone - I would not expect any sort of apology. I would come ready to listen, fetch and carry, do some light chores. I would not invite her to a family gathering until that private visit to gauge her psychological health.

I think I did explain previously why she cut us off.
My sister was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 11. The complications of this have led to her precarious health condition now at age 55. There was a lot of rallying around her when she was younger and my mom was a single parent. There was a lot of fending for ourselves.
I am not in a position to visit her. I have no days I can take (I’m a teacher). And she lives far away. I can in the summer though.

PP you replied to. Sorry, I hadn't seen your update. But I hope you understand that she is mentally ill. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. Please don't invite her to the family thing, it's not the right approach for an attempt at reconciliation. Maybe ask how she is, from a medical standpoint, when your mother contacts you, to gauge how long she has, as this may inform your future decisions.

Also, you seem pretty decided right now on your course of action. Did writing out your original post clarify this for you? Because there's a discrepancy between what you asked and what you are now expressing... unless all you wanted was to have people take your side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your mom is wanting you to reconcile so she can offload some of the caregiving responsibility in to you and your sister? Has she said your sister wants to hear from you or just that " she's different now"
If sister doesn't actually want to hear from you and then you reach out, could cause more drama. I think it's wise to tell Mom you are waiting to hear directly from sister in order to continue respecting her wishes.

I think it's not as simple as that. As parents, we always want our kids to get along, and if one of my children were dying "alone" without their siblings to come around and offer emotional and material support, it would add to my sadness. Of course, my children have never behaved badly towards each other, and OP doesn't say what led the younger sister to cut off her family. Does she have a challenging psychiatric disorder that could not be managed successfully? Often that's the explanation. Did the family ostracize her for it? Sometimes it's unjust and cruel; and sometimes it's necessary is the person lashes out and cannot be controlled. I understand OP and siblings are elderly. Their generation did not have easy access to diagnostic tools and early intervention treatments.

One of my kids has autism and severe ADHD. He was diagnosed early, and we have made it a priority to manage and treat his disorders such that he would become a (barely) functional adult. Basically our lives revolved around his needs for many years. I shudder to think what he would have become without our support (my husband is a doctor, I am a research scientist). And sadly, sometimes you can give all your love and all your money and all the treatments... but the outcome is disastrous anyway.

Anyway. Just my own point of view based on personal life experience.

So without knowing more details about OP's life, all I can do is extend my sympathies. She needs to consider whether she will have regrets for not being more supportive after her sister passes. Support to me would mean visiting her sister alone - I would not expect any sort of apology. I would come ready to listen, fetch and carry, do some light chores. I would not invite her to a family gathering until that private visit to gauge her psychological health.

I think I did explain previously why she cut us off.
My sister was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 11. The complications of this have led to her precarious health condition now at age 55. There was a lot of rallying around her when she was younger and my mom was a single parent. There was a lot of fending for ourselves.
I am not in a position to visit her. I have no days I can take (I’m a teacher). And she lives far away. I can in the summer though.

PP you replied to. Sorry, I hadn't seen your update. But I hope you understand that she is mentally ill. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. Please don't invite her to the family thing, it's not the right approach for an attempt at reconciliation. Maybe ask how she is, from a medical standpoint, when your mother contacts you, to gauge how long she has, as this may inform your future decisions.

Also, you seem pretty decided right now on your course of action. Did writing out your original post clarify this for you? Because there's a discrepancy between what you asked and what you are now expressing... unless all you wanted was to have people take your side.

Me again, with the ADHD/ASD kid. When people claim others have mental illness and need therapy... I don't see that as insulting, honestly. ADHD runs in my family, autism runs in my husband's family. My son is the only one who is diagnosed because my in-laws are all in denial. If your younger sister is mentally ill (and it appears she is), then please note that mental illness has a genetic predisposition, and you might all be carriers or express some variant. So she might be right, but if she was extremely disagreeable about it, I completely understand it would make everyone oppositional! She might also be wrong, and have invented everything out of spite. But I just wanted to say, it's always important to separate the content from the delivery