Dying Sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see why she cut you off....

why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your younger sister not reaching out herself, this is what an adult would do. This triangulation by mom is not healthy. Have you asked mom why is sister not reaching out herself? Otherwise it sounds like something that mom is doing for herself, your sister doesn't want you in her life as she said.

I have no idea why she's not. Correct on Mom. I know! I mean, she could jot off an email asking to reconcile but she's not. I need to respect that, right?

[Anonymous]

I can see why you don't want to reconcile, but sending a baby shower invitation for your DIL is such an odd response. It will come across as a gift grab. Why would she want to attend a baby shower for someone she may not even know, especially when it's going to be awkward due to the long estrangement.

Reach out or not, but don't invite her to a baby shower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see why you don't want to reconcile, but sending a baby shower invitation for your DIL is such an odd response. It will come across as a gift grab. Why would she want to attend a baby shower for someone she may not even know, especially when it's going to be awkward due to the long estrangement.

Reach out or not, but don't invite her to a baby shower.

I did that because it's the next family get together we're having. She loves my son and I'm sure would love to meet his wife.
But, I see your point.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom that you know she wants you all to reconnect, but you are respecting the wishes your sister communicated directly to you until you personally hear from her that she now wishes otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest sister is estranged from my middle sister and me (I'm the oldest) and is in very ill health. She wrote us a letter a few years ago detailing why she never wanted to see us again and we complied. Long story short, she caused a lot of turmoil in everyone's life, but especially for middle sister.
My mom was originally included in this estrangement, but being sister needed help, mom started up a relationship with her.
Now, mom is manipulating and trying to coerce us into having a relationship with said sister, as she is likely to die in the next year. Said sister is not as angry as before and is very different now.
Middle sister said, "If she'd just reach out to me, maybe a mia culpa or olive branch, I would maybe connect with her." Middle sister's husband has terminal cancer and has a lot on her plate.
I also have a lot on my plate, was diagnosed with a mild cancer in September that exhausts me, and am ambivalent about reaching out to her.
I'm not sure why youngest sister can't reach out herself but whatevs. I'm royally pissed at mom for attempting to manipulate us. She is throwing out quotes like, "The quality of mercy is not strained." WTF.
I'm going to be a gramma soon and I'm having a baby shower for my DIL. I told Mom I would invite youngest sister too but that I felt that was generous enough.
We live no where near each other but if she came that would be fine. I have no idea what shape she's in but she does fly between her two houses.
Is that enough?

OP, you need to be aware that it's most likely your MOM who is and was the queen bee narcissist from the very beginning. The roots of all the estrangement were caused by your mother. She was the one who dominated your lives when you were all small children growing to adulthood. Your mother set the tone for how the three sisters interacted with each other.

As you said yourself, she is trying to manipulate you again into having a relationship with the estranged sister. The estranged sister may have become estranged due to actions of your mother that you don't know about, or gossip or lies she told about you and the other sister.

I feel sorry for the three sisters, their mother ruined their lives. Too bad. Hopefully the 3 of you can break the cycle with your own children.

[Anonymous]

First of all I am sorry. Even though it seems like you all may be seniors or older adults (meaning cancers do happen), it's a lot all at once.

I would say that the only thing that matters here is what your youngest sister wants (re: the relationship with her) and whether or not you and your middle sister are amenable to that. But you also do not have to take the same approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why she cut you off....

why?

Read your post and you posting here complaining about her.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would reach out to youngest sister. This would be more for me than her especially if she is dying. My brother cut me out and yet of I heard he wanted to reconcile I would try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest sister is estranged from my middle sister and me (I'm the oldest) and is in very ill health. She wrote us a letter a few years ago detailing why she never wanted to see us again and we complied. Long story short, she caused a lot of turmoil in everyone's life, but especially for middle sister.
My mom was originally included in this estrangement, but being sister needed help, mom started up a relationship with her.
Now, mom is manipulating and trying to coerce us into having a relationship with said sister, as she is likely to die in the next year. Said sister is not as angry as before and is very different now.
Middle sister said, "If she'd just reach out to me, maybe a mia culpa or olive branch, I would maybe connect with her." Middle sister's husband has terminal cancer and has a lot on her plate.
I also have a lot on my plate, was diagnosed with a mild cancer in September that exhausts me, and am ambivalent about reaching out to her.
I'm not sure why youngest sister can't reach out herself but whatevs. I'm royally pissed at mom for attempting to manipulate us. She is throwing out quotes like, "The quality of mercy is not strained." WTF.
I'm going to be a gramma soon and I'm having a baby shower for my DIL. I told Mom I would invite youngest sister too but that I felt that was generous enough.
We live no where near each other but if she came that would be fine. I have no idea what shape she's in but she does fly between her two houses.
Is that enough?

OP, you need to be aware that it's most likely your MOM who is and was the queen bee narcissist from the very beginning. The roots of all the estrangement were caused by your mother. She was the one who dominated your lives when you were all small children growing to adulthood. Your mother set the tone for how the three sisters interacted with each other.

As you said yourself, she is trying to manipulate you again into having a relationship with the estranged sister. The estranged sister may have become estranged due to actions of your mother that you don't know about, or gossip or lies she told about you and the other sister.

I feel sorry for the three sisters, their mother ruined their lives. Too bad. Hopefully the 3 of you can break the cycle with your own children.

Interesting.
We all have grown children who get along with each other. They’re vastly different ages though.

[Anonymous]

I just told mom I will be respecting the wishes and boundaries youngest sister set w me and not contacting her.

[Anonymous]

She is dying. I would be the one to extend the olive branch. There will be no time for do-overs. You don’t want to have regrets.

[Anonymous]

You get to decide your own boundaries. You are at an age where your mommy should not be controlling your relationships. She can only manipulate you if you let her. If you don't want to see your sister, don't. It doesn't matter if she is dying or you are dying. Remain calm with your mom and let her know it's no longer up for discussion. Your mom will continue to push. Your boundaries are about you, not her. I know it's hard. I have been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get to decide your own boundaries. You are at an age where your mommy should not be controlling your relationships. She can only manipulate you if you let her. If you don't want to see your sister, don't. It doesn't matter if she is dying or you are dying. Remain calm with your mom and let her know it's no longer up for discussion. Your mom will continue to push. Your boundaries are about you, not her. I know it's hard. I have been there.

It’s funny. It’s sad. I will say this and be passive aggressively punished by mom. It’s sick.

[Anonymous]

I'd write her a card (literally, by mail) saying that you are thinking of her and leave your current address, phone number and email.
Then you have been the bigger person and have it in writing but I am guessing your youngest sister will not get in touch back unless she really means it. You could also leave off the email and phone, so she'd have to make more of an effort.

That all sounds stressful for your family. I'm sorry to hear.