Dying Sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your mom that you know she wants you all to reconnect, but you are respecting the wishes your sister communicated directly to you until you personally hear from her that she now wishes otherwise.

Yes, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is dying. I would be the one to extend the olive branch. There will be no time for do-overs. You don’t want to have regrets.

This.

[Anonymous]

If you have come to peace with who she is and there is nothing more to say and you are at peace, there is no reason to reconnect with her. I get why your mother wants all her babies to get along but that's not realistic. I'd just change the topic every time.

[Anonymous]

I think the real gist of what's going on is missing. Is your sister a recovering drug addict? What was the drama that led to estrangement?

[Anonymous]

Unless there's mental illness, nobody chooses to estrange themselves from family. This is a step people take only as a last resort. There has to be no hope before a person takes steps to cut off their family.

We don't know the back story. What was going on in your family during your childhoods and thereafter?

Only you can answer that question.

Unless your sister wants to see you, I wouldn't make any moves to reach out. That may be very stressful for her. It's stressful enough that she has to accept help from mom.

If you do see her, be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the real gist of what's going on is missing. Is your sister a recovering drug addict? What was the drama that led to estrangement?

she is not a drug addict.
She visited my middle sister when all the kids were young and caused a lot of drama by saying sister's kids need therapy and her entire family needed therapy. Middle sister family is fine and kids are set to graduate with high honors, have plans after they graduate, etc. Sister and her husband were fine parents and now those boys will be losing their dad soon.
She sent us letters detailing all the mental illnesses we have and that we need help. She's not in the mental health field.
She invited us to her home for a couple days on our vacation and one day before we were set to visit her with all of my kids it tow she said I wasn't welcome in her home, and we had to find other arrangements for our vacation. We all ended up sleeping outside at a campsite. This was because I supported middle sister.
She gets mad a mom and tells her she can never see her granddaughter again - she has done this several times. But always needs her help so mom jumps back in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless there's mental illness, nobody chooses to estrange themselves from family. This is a step people take only as a last resort. There has to be no hope before a person takes steps to cut off their family.

We don't know the back story. What was going on in your family during your childhoods and thereafter?

Only you can answer that question.

Unless your sister wants to see you, I wouldn't make any moves to reach out. That may be very stressful for her. It's stressful enough that she has to accept help from mom.

If you do see her, be kind.

well, I'm about ready to cut my mom off for her manipulative ways. I have no energy for that. And, I cannot believe she drug middle sister into this, considering her husband has about 2 more months to live.
Our dad left the family when I was 10 for antoher woman and had 3 more kids with her. Mom moved us far away and still, to this day, bristles if any of us has a relationship with him. Dying sister is the closest to him.
Knowing mom, she's fearful she's losing two family members in one year and is trying to control the situation any way she can.
She just sent me a message saying she's not manipulative because she's not asking us to do this for her.
I'm going to reply - then who do you want us to do this for? us? for dying sister? because, it's still manipulation.

[Anonymous]

If you do decide to agree to disengage, I would suggest having the first encounter be somewhere other than your DIL’s baby shower.

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

Another dimension to think about.
If there is some kind of drama between your sisters and you when you first see eachother, this can and will affect your son and DIL’s special day.

It is not fair to your DİL, especially given how you describe your younger sister for creating drama, with unfortunate timing, like the day you’re supposed to arrive at her house.

At the very least, you can engage with your sister before the baby shower, assess her attitude and then ask your DIL and son whether they would agree to having your estranged sister at their shower.

Otherwise you risk creating another drama, one which your pregnant DIL should not be forced to deal with.

[Anonymous]

PP, sorry, I meant if you decide to *engage, but autocorrect got me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do decide to agree to disengage, I would suggest having the first encounter be somewhere other than your DIL’s baby shower.

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

Another dimension to think about.
If there is some kind of drama between your sisters and you when you first see eachother, this can and will affect your son and DIL’s special day.

It is not fair to your DİL, especially given how you describe your younger sister for creating drama, with unfortunate timing, like the day you’re supposed to arrive at her house.

At the very least, you can engage with your sister before the baby shower, assess her attitude and then ask your DIL and son whether they would agree to having your estranged sister at their shower.

Otherwise you risk creating another drama, one which your pregnant DIL should not be forced to deal with.

Yes good point.
Neither my mom or middle sister will be there. My kids will be though.

[Anonymous]

OP, you did the right thing by declining to contact your sister. In her own way your mom probably means well but seems like a toxic person. I’m sorry you and your sisters had to grow up dealing with that. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t follow any of this…

Who you mad at?

Which one is dying?

Same!

[Anonymous]

Don't invite her to the baby shower. But maybe do reach out. Not by text. Maybe phone. Maybe in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't invite her to the baby shower. But maybe do reach out. Not by text. Maybe phone. Maybe in person.

We live 3k miles apart. But, I could phone.
I know mom means well but coercion never works. I haven't seen dying sister in 4/5 years. Middle sister probably hasn't seen her in 10 years.
She must be closer to death than we know and mom is trying to tell us this is our last chance?
However, we're adults and can decide things for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest sister is estranged from my middle sister and me (I'm the oldest) and is in very ill health. She wrote us a letter a few years ago detailing why she never wanted to see us again and we complied. Long story short, she caused a lot of turmoil in everyone's life, but especially for middle sister.
My mom was originally included in this estrangement, but being sister needed help, mom started up a relationship with her.
Now, mom is manipulating and trying to coerce us into having a relationship with said sister, as she is likely to die in the next year. Said sister is not as angry as before and is very different now.
Middle sister said, "If she'd just reach out to me, maybe a mia culpa or olive branch, I would maybe connect with her." Middle sister's husband has terminal cancer and has a lot on her plate.
I also have a lot on my plate, was diagnosed with a mild cancer in September that exhausts me, and am ambivalent about reaching out to her.
I'm not sure why youngest sister can't reach out herself but whatevs. I'm royally pissed at mom for attempting to manipulate us. She is throwing out quotes like, "The quality of mercy is not strained." WTF.
I'm going to be a gramma soon and I'm having a baby shower for my DIL. I told Mom I would invite youngest sister too but that I felt that was generous enough.
We live no where near each other but if she came that would be fine. I have no idea what shape she's in but she does fly between her two houses.
Is that enough?

Mrs culpa would mean you are admitting fault and you haven’t done anything wrong!

I like the idea upthread of sending a Thinking of You card and also the shower invite.

I hope your treatments go well.