Dying Sister

[Anonymous]

OP is it possible you are freaked out a bit by having cancer and being "surrounded" by people dying, maybe feeling your illness isn't getting the attention it deserves from others? Or thinking yours doesn't count much since hopefully you aren't terminal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd write her a card (literally, by mail) saying that you are thinking of her and leave your current address, phone number and email.
Then you have been the bigger person and have it in writing but I am guessing your youngest sister will not get in touch back unless she really means it. You could also leave off the email and phone, so she'd have to make more of an effort.

That all sounds stressful for your family. I'm sorry to hear.

Pretty good.

The shower in invitation was offensive imo. She's near death and supposed to travel to a shower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your mom is wanting you to reconcile so she can offload some of the caregiving responsibility in to you and your sister? Has she said your sister wants to hear from you or just that " she's different now"
If sister doesn't actually want to hear from you and then you reach out, could cause more drama. I think it's wise to tell Mom you are waiting to hear directly from sister in order to continue respecting her wishes.

I think it's not as simple as that. As parents, we always want our kids to get along, and if one of my children were dying "alone" without their siblings to come around and offer emotional and material support, it would add to my sadness. Of course, my children have never behaved badly towards each other, and OP doesn't say what led the younger sister to cut off her family. Does she have a challenging psychiatric disorder that could not be managed successfully? Often that's the explanation. Did the family ostracize her for it? Sometimes it's unjust and cruel; and sometimes it's necessary is the person lashes out and cannot be controlled. I understand OP and siblings are elderly. Their generation did not have easy access to diagnostic tools and early intervention treatments.

One of my kids has autism and severe ADHD. He was diagnosed early, and we have made it a priority to manage and treat his disorders such that he would become a (barely) functional adult. Basically our lives revolved around his needs for many years. I shudder to think what he would have become without our support (my husband is a doctor, I am a research scientist). And sadly, sometimes you can give all your love and all your money and all the treatments... but the outcome is disastrous anyway.

Anyway. Just my own point of view based on personal life experience.

So without knowing more details about OP's life, all I can do is extend my sympathies. She needs to consider whether she will have regrets for not being more supportive after her sister passes. Support to me would mean visiting her sister alone - I would not expect any sort of apology. I would come ready to listen, fetch and carry, do some light chores. I would not invite her to a family gathering until that private visit to gauge her psychological health.

I think I did explain previously why she cut us off.
My sister was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 11. The complications of this have led to her precarious health condition now at age 55. There was a lot of rallying around her when she was younger and my mom was a single parent. There was a lot of fending for ourselves.
I am not in a position to visit her. I have no days I can take (I’m a teacher). And she lives far away. I can in the summer though.

PP you replied to. Sorry, I hadn't seen your update. But I hope you understand that she is mentally ill. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. Please don't invite her to the family thing, it's not the right approach for an attempt at reconciliation. Maybe ask how she is, from a medical standpoint, when your mother contacts you, to gauge how long she has, as this may inform your future decisions.

Also, you seem pretty decided right now on your course of action. Did writing out your original post clarify this for you? Because there's a discrepancy between what you asked and what you are now expressing... unless all you wanted was to have people take your side.

Me again, with the ADHD/ASD kid. When people claim others have mental illness and need therapy... I don't see that as insulting, honestly. ADHD runs in my family, autism runs in my husband's family. My son is the only one who is diagnosed because my in-laws are all in denial. If your younger sister is mentally ill (and it appears she is), then please note that mental illness has a genetic predisposition, and you might all be carriers or express some variant. So she might be right, but if she was extremely disagreeable about it, I completely understand it would make everyone oppositional! She might also be wrong, and have invented everything out of spite. But I just wanted to say, it's always important to separate the content from the delivery

If she was a mental health professional I’d put more stock into it. She’s not. It was unnecessary and painful. She did all three of us in one email - mom, me, middle sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is it possible you are freaked out a bit by having cancer and being "surrounded" by people dying, maybe feeling your illness isn't getting the attention it deserves from others? Or thinking yours doesn't count much since hopefully you aren't terminal?

I’m not worried about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your mom is wanting you to reconcile so she can offload some of the caregiving responsibility in to you and your sister? Has she said your sister wants to hear from you or just that " she's different now"
If sister doesn't actually want to hear from you and then you reach out, could cause more drama. I think it's wise to tell Mom you are waiting to hear directly from sister in order to continue respecting her wishes.

I think it's not as simple as that. As parents, we always want our kids to get along, and if one of my children were dying "alone" without their siblings to come around and offer emotional and material support, it would add to my sadness. Of course, my children have never behaved badly towards each other, and OP doesn't say what led the younger sister to cut off her family. Does she have a challenging psychiatric disorder that could not be managed successfully? Often that's the explanation. Did the family ostracize her for it? Sometimes it's unjust and cruel; and sometimes it's necessary is the person lashes out and cannot be controlled. I understand OP and siblings are elderly. Their generation did not have easy access to diagnostic tools and early intervention treatments.

One of my kids has autism and severe ADHD. He was diagnosed early, and we have made it a priority to manage and treat his disorders such that he would become a (barely) functional adult. Basically our lives revolved around his needs for many years. I shudder to think what he would have become without our support (my husband is a doctor, I am a research scientist). And sadly, sometimes you can give all your love and all your money and all the treatments... but the outcome is disastrous anyway.

Anyway. Just my own point of view based on personal life experience.

So without knowing more details about OP's life, all I can do is extend my sympathies. She needs to consider whether she will have regrets for not being more supportive after her sister passes. Support to me would mean visiting her sister alone - I would not expect any sort of apology. I would come ready to listen, fetch and carry, do some light chores. I would not invite her to a family gathering until that private visit to gauge her psychological health.

I think I did explain previously why she cut us off.
My sister was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 11. The complications of this have led to her precarious health condition now at age 55. There was a lot of rallying around her when she was younger and my mom was a single parent. There was a lot of fending for ourselves.
I am not in a position to visit her. I have no days I can take (I’m a teacher). And she lives far away. I can in the summer though.

PP you replied to. Sorry, I hadn't seen your update. But I hope you understand that she is mentally ill. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. Please don't invite her to the family thing, it's not the right approach for an attempt at reconciliation. Maybe ask how she is, from a medical standpoint, when your mother contacts you, to gauge how long she has, as this may inform your future decisions.

Also, you seem pretty decided right now on your course of action. Did writing out your original post clarify this for you? Because there's a discrepancy between what you asked and what you are now expressing... unless all you wanted was to have people take your side.

I think i Needed to think it out.

[Anonymous]

Ope mom and I broke up. Can’t argue w narcissism

[Anonymous]

Move on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is dying. No, a baby shower invitation is not enough.

She is not the only one dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see why she cut you off....

You can go to hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest sister is estranged from my middle sister and me (I'm the oldest) and is in very ill health. She wrote us a letter a few years ago detailing why she never wanted to see us again and we complied. Long story short, she caused a lot of turmoil in everyone's life, but especially for middle sister.
My mom was originally included in this estrangement, but being sister needed help, mom started up a relationship with her.
Now, mom is manipulating and trying to coerce us into having a relationship with said sister, as she is likely to die in the next year. Said sister is not as angry as before and is very different now.
Middle sister said, "If she'd just reach out to me, maybe a mia culpa or olive branch, I would maybe connect with her." Middle sister's husband has terminal cancer and has a lot on her plate.
I also have a lot on my plate, was diagnosed with a mild cancer in September that exhausts me, and am ambivalent about reaching out to her.
I'm not sure why youngest sister can't reach out herself but whatevs. I'm royally pissed at mom for attempting to manipulate us. She is throwing out quotes like, "The quality of mercy is not strained." WTF.
I'm going to be a gramma soon and I'm having a baby shower for my DIL. I told Mom I would invite youngest sister too but that I felt that was generous enough.
We live no where near each other but if she came that would be fine. I have no idea what shape she's in but she does fly between her two houses.
Is that enough?

OP, you need to be aware that it's most likely your MOM who is and was the queen bee narcissist from the very beginning. The roots of all the estrangement were caused by your mother. She was the one who dominated your lives when you were all small children growing to adulthood. Your mother set the tone for how the three sisters interacted with each other.

As you said yourself, she is trying to manipulate you again into having a relationship with the estranged sister. The estranged sister may have become estranged due to actions of your mother that you don't know about, or gossip or lies she told about you and the other sister.

I feel sorry for the three sisters, their mother ruined their lives. Too bad. Hopefully the 3 of you can break the cycle with your own children.

Interesting.
We all have grown children who get along with each other. They’re vastly different ages though.

Np +1
This. I am also one of 3 sisters and it’s very apparent to me that it was my mom who is at the root of divisiveness between us. I have one sister who is in complete denial around this (she was the favored child) and another who is acutely aware of it too

It can be subtle and covert things such as giving different children different privileges because one is “bad” or complaining about the “bad” child in front of the other children so they slowly adopt the narrative. Mothers subconsciously pick which one is “bad” and it is usually the one who speaks their mind more freely. This evolves over time in the child into internal loathing and as they try to escape these feelings they will develop coping mechanisms, likely addiction or the like. Of course healing is possible for them but it’s hard to shake off.

The other kids adopt the narrative and may lack empathy toward the “bad” sibling, in fact faulting the sibling for being so troublesome. There’s a whole web of dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest sister is estranged from my middle sister and me (I'm the oldest) and is in very ill health. She wrote us a letter a few years ago detailing why she never wanted to see us again and we complied. Long story short, she caused a lot of turmoil in everyone's life, but especially for middle sister.
My mom was originally included in this estrangement, but being sister needed help, mom started up a relationship with her.
Now, mom is manipulating and trying to coerce us into having a relationship with said sister, as she is likely to die in the next year. Said sister is not as angry as before and is very different now.
Middle sister said, "If she'd just reach out to me, maybe a mia culpa or olive branch, I would maybe connect with her." Middle sister's husband has terminal cancer and has a lot on her plate.
I also have a lot on my plate, was diagnosed with a mild cancer in September that exhausts me, and am ambivalent about reaching out to her.
I'm not sure why youngest sister can't reach out herself but whatevs. I'm royally pissed at mom for attempting to manipulate us. She is throwing out quotes like, "The quality of mercy is not strained." WTF.
I'm going to be a gramma soon and I'm having a baby shower for my DIL. I told Mom I would invite youngest sister too but that I felt that was generous enough.
We live no where near each other but if she came that would be fine. I have no idea what shape she's in but she does fly between her two houses.
Is that enough?

OP, you need to be aware that it's most likely your MOM who is and was the queen bee narcissist from the very beginning. The roots of all the estrangement were caused by your mother. She was the one who dominated your lives when you were all small children growing to adulthood. Your mother set the tone for how the three sisters interacted with each other.

As you said yourself, she is trying to manipulate you again into having a relationship with the estranged sister. The estranged sister may have become estranged due to actions of your mother that you don't know about, or gossip or lies she told about you and the other sister.

I feel sorry for the three sisters, their mother ruined their lives. Too bad. Hopefully the 3 of you can break the cycle with your own children.

Interesting.
We all have grown children who get along with each other. They’re vastly different ages though.

Np +1
This. I am also one of 3 sisters and it’s very apparent to me that it was my mom who is at the root of divisiveness between us. I have one sister who is in complete denial around this (she was the favored child) and another who is acutely aware of it too

It can be subtle and covert things such as giving different children different privileges because one is “bad” or complaining about the “bad” child in front of the other children so they slowly adopt the narrative. Mothers subconsciously pick which one is “bad” and it is usually the one who speaks their mind more freely. This evolves over time in the child into internal loathing and as they try to escape these feelings they will develop coping mechanisms, likely addiction or the like. Of course healing is possible for them but it’s hard to shake off.

The other kids adopt the narrative and may lack empathy toward the “bad” sibling, in fact faulting the sibling for being so troublesome. There’s a whole web of dysfunction.

this is absolutely true for us. She pits us against each other. She actually told me, in one of our final exchanges, that I was more cruel to her than any other sister. I couldn't believe it. I mentioned some things to her such as, dang, we took you with us to Europe. I took hours and arranged every single hotel, husband drove, all she had to do was show up. and she said "you just wanted us along to share expenses." I said, odd, we just paid cash for our last three houses. And still own them all. I think we can afford our own rental car. That's all they paid for.
She's grasping at straws because I'm calling her on her bullcrap.
I'm done and blocked her from every contacting me again. I'm just sad. very sad. I thought we had fun in Europe and it was one of the highlights of my life.
I guess I had ulterior motives for everything I've done for her. What, I don't know.

[Anonymous]

I think there's something about trios, it never ends well. My brother cut me off eight years ago (I continued to reach out, not exactly respecting his boundary, but he never replied anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.) He recently cut off my sister, too, so now he's estranged from both of us. All the while, my mother would lecture me about the power of forgiveness, and I would say things like OK, poof, I forgive him. Guess what, he still has written me off. She still to this day thinks I have some kind of control over him and lectures me about forgiveness.

She has two sisters, and one is always on the "outs." She cut off one sister for almost 20 years. Now back in her good graces, and cutting off the second, just last night sending her a text saying "I'm done with you." All while continuing to lecture me about the power of forgiveness.

Triangulation is a real thing. It feels like trios don't stand a chance...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest sister is estranged from my middle sister and me (I'm the oldest) and is in very ill health. She wrote us a letter a few years ago detailing why she never wanted to see us again and we complied. Long story short, she caused a lot of turmoil in everyone's life, but especially for middle sister.
My mom was originally included in this estrangement, but being sister needed help, mom started up a relationship with her.
Now, mom is manipulating and trying to coerce us into having a relationship with said sister, as she is likely to die in the next year. Said sister is not as angry as before and is very different now.
Middle sister said, "If she'd just reach out to me, maybe a mia culpa or olive branch, I would maybe connect with her." Middle sister's husband has terminal cancer and has a lot on her plate.
I also have a lot on my plate, was diagnosed with a mild cancer in September that exhausts me, and am ambivalent about reaching out to her.
I'm not sure why youngest sister can't reach out herself but whatevs. I'm royally pissed at mom for attempting to manipulate us. She is throwing out quotes like, "The quality of mercy is not strained." WTF.
I'm going to be a gramma soon and I'm having a baby shower for my DIL. I told Mom I would invite youngest sister too but that I felt that was generous enough.
We live no where near each other but if she came that would be fine. I have no idea what shape she's in but she does fly between her two houses.
Is that enough?

OP, you need to be aware that it's most likely your MOM who is and was the queen bee narcissist from the very beginning. The roots of all the estrangement were caused by your mother. She was the one who dominated your lives when you were all small children growing to adulthood. Your mother set the tone for how the three sisters interacted with each other.

As you said yourself, she is trying to manipulate you again into having a relationship with the estranged sister. The estranged sister may have become estranged due to actions of your mother that you don't know about, or gossip or lies she told about you and the other sister.

I feel sorry for the three sisters, their mother ruined their lives. Too bad. Hopefully the 3 of you can break the cycle with your own children.

Interesting.
We all have grown children who get along with each other. They’re vastly different ages though.

Np +1
This. I am also one of 3 sisters and it’s very apparent to me that it was my mom who is at the root of divisiveness between us. I have one sister who is in complete denial around this (she was the favored child) and another who is acutely aware of it too

It can be subtle and covert things such as giving different children different privileges because one is “bad” or complaining about the “bad” child in front of the other children so they slowly adopt the narrative. Mothers subconsciously pick which one is “bad” and it is usually the one who speaks their mind more freely. This evolves over time in the child into internal loathing and as they try to escape these feelings they will develop coping mechanisms, likely addiction or the like. Of course healing is possible for them but it’s hard to shake off.

The other kids adopt the narrative and may lack empathy toward the “bad” sibling, in fact faulting the sibling for being so troublesome. There’s a whole web of dysfunction.

this is absolutely true for us. She pits us against each other. She actually told me, in one of our final exchanges, that I was more cruel to her than any other sister. I couldn't believe it. I mentioned some things to her such as, dang, we took you with us to Europe. I took hours and arranged every single hotel, husband drove, all she had to do was show up. and she said "you just wanted us along to share expenses." I said, odd, we just paid cash for our last three houses. And still own them all. I think we can afford our own rental car. That's all they paid for.
She's grasping at straws because I'm calling her on her bullcrap.
I'm done and blocked her from every contacting me again. I'm just sad. very sad. I thought we had fun in Europe and it was one of the highlights of my life.
I guess I had ulterior motives for everything I've done for her. What, I don't know.

Pp here. I’m so sorry. I can relate very much so. My mother follows a similar mechanism of defense and accusation if i ever try to express my feelings or thoughts and those expressions make her uncomfortable. No matter how kindly and gently i phrase them. The only way to have a relationship with her is to essentially protect her ego and agree to her opinions.

It has cause so much tension between us sisters, especially the favored one. I am focused on my own family and nurturing my kids in ways that honor their deference’s and make them feel like a harmonious unit as children (versus competition or the like).

Wishing you all the healing and that peace may come between you and your sisters whether in this life or beyond.

Posters saying you are overreacting are not wrong, but they also don’t get it. It’s a lifetime of not being respected as someone with their own agency, and hurling accusations and insults if one tries to claim any. Seek peace within yourself and all else will follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your mom is wanting you to reconcile so she can offload some of the caregiving responsibility in to you and your sister? Has she said your sister wants to hear from you or just that " she's different now"
If sister doesn't actually want to hear from you and then you reach out, could cause more drama. I think it's wise to tell Mom you are waiting to hear directly from sister in order to continue respecting her wishes.

I think it's not as simple as that. As parents, we always want our kids to get along, and if one of my children were dying "alone" without their siblings to come around and offer emotional and material support, it would add to my sadness. Of course, my children have never behaved badly towards each other, and OP doesn't say what led the younger sister to cut off her family. Does she have a challenging psychiatric disorder that could not be managed successfully? Often that's the explanation. Did the family ostracize her for it? Sometimes it's unjust and cruel; and sometimes it's necessary is the person lashes out and cannot be controlled. I understand OP and siblings are elderly. Their generation did not have easy access to diagnostic tools and early intervention treatments.

One of my kids has autism and severe ADHD. He was diagnosed early, and we have made it a priority to manage and treat his disorders such that he would become a (barely) functional adult. Basically our lives revolved around his needs for many years. I shudder to think what he would have become without our support (my husband is a doctor, I am a research scientist). And sadly, sometimes you can give all your love and all your money and all the treatments... but the outcome is disastrous anyway.

Anyway. Just my own point of view based on personal life experience.

So without knowing more details about OP's life, all I can do is extend my sympathies. She needs to consider whether she will have regrets for not being more supportive after her sister passes. Support to me would mean visiting her sister alone - I would not expect any sort of apology. I would come ready to listen, fetch and carry, do some light chores. I would not invite her to a family gathering until that private visit to gauge her psychological health.

I think I did explain previously why she cut us off.
My sister was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 11. The complications of this have led to her precarious health condition now at age 55. There was a lot of rallying around her when she was younger and my mom was a single parent. There was a lot of fending for ourselves.
I am not in a position to visit her. I have no days I can take (I’m a teacher). And she lives far away. I can in the summer though.

PP you replied to. Sorry, I hadn't seen your update. But I hope you understand that she is mentally ill. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. Please don't invite her to the family thing, it's not the right approach for an attempt at reconciliation. Maybe ask how she is, from a medical standpoint, when your mother contacts you, to gauge how long she has, as this may inform your future decisions.

Also, you seem pretty decided right now on your course of action. Did writing out your original post clarify this for you? Because there's a discrepancy between what you asked and what you are now expressing... unless all you wanted was to have people take your side.

Me again, with the ADHD/ASD kid. When people claim others have mental illness and need therapy... I don't see that as insulting, honestly. ADHD runs in my family, autism runs in my husband's family. My son is the only one who is diagnosed because my in-laws are all in denial. If your younger sister is mentally ill (and it appears she is), then please note that mental illness has a genetic predisposition, and you might all be carriers or express some variant. So she might be right, but if she was extremely disagreeable about it, I completely understand it would make everyone oppositional! She might also be wrong, and have invented everything out of spite. But I just wanted to say, it's always important to separate the content from the delivery

thank you for this. This was just the tip of the iceberg of what she has done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's something about trios, it never ends well. My brother cut me off eight years ago (I continued to reach out, not exactly respecting his boundary, but he never replied anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.) He recently cut off my sister, too, so now he's estranged from both of us. All the while, my mother would lecture me about the power of forgiveness, and I would say things like OK, poof, I forgive him. Guess what, he still has written me off. She still to this day thinks I have some kind of control over him and lectures me about forgiveness.

She has two sisters, and one is always on the "outs." She cut off one sister for almost 20 years. Now back in her good graces, and cutting off the second, just last night sending her a text saying "I'm done with you." All while continuing to lecture me about the power of forgiveness.

Triangulation is a real thing. It feels like trios don't stand a chance...

yep. Mom always has to be mad at someone. Currently me, typically - youngest sister. Middle is her favorite.