Monogamy is over rated -from a married mother of three children perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Wat does that even mean? Explain to me like I'm 5. I'm a 50 years old man and sex is still important to me. What the hell does that mean "as the female need it"? Are you saying men don't need it. Let me tell you this forum is becoming stranger and stranger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Wat does that even mean? Explain to me like I'm 5. I'm a 50 years old man and sex is still important to me. What the hell does that mean "as the female need it"? Are you saying men don't need it. Let me tell you this forum is becoming stranger and stranger

I read that as she’s having sex with someone who’s not her husband..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Wat does that even mean? Explain to me like I'm 5. I'm a 50 years old man and sex is still important to me. What the hell does that mean "as the female need it"? Are you saying men don't need it. Let me tell you this forum is becoming stranger and stranger

How should men express that it’s important to us, without be annoying or creating an additional obstacle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Wat does that even mean? Explain to me like I'm 5. I'm a 50 years old man and sex is still important to me. What the hell does that mean "as the female need it"? Are you saying men don't need it. Let me tell you this forum is becoming stranger and stranger

How should men express that it’s important to us, without be annoying or creating an additional obstacle.

As a woman who was in a nearly sexless marriage, it’s virtually impossible to request more sex without being “annoying.” The partner routinely denying sex holds all the cards and has already decided that you and your needs are “annoying.”

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - I’m team non monogamy. Just wanted to say that it’s never a good idea to do this when you all are on shaky ground or not getting along. If you are going to do this, you should do it from a point of strength in your relationship as a supplement to spice it up. Together is usually better that way you can evaluate as a couple how it went afterwards. It takes a lot of communication but it can be really fun!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Wat does that even mean? Explain to me like I'm 5. I'm a 50 years old man and sex is still important to me. What the hell does that mean "as the female need it"? Are you saying men don't need it. Let me tell you this forum is becoming stranger and stranger

I read that as the OP articulating that her husband is the lower libido partner and the one driving the sexless marriage, and that they opened it up so that she could get her needs met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Wat does that even mean? Explain to me like I'm 5. I'm a 50 years old man and sex is still important to me. What the hell does that mean "as the female need it"? Are you saying men don't need it. Let me tell you this forum is becoming stranger and stranger

How should men express that it’s important to us, without be annoying or creating an additional obstacle.

As a woman who was in a nearly sexless marriage, it’s virtually impossible to request more sex without being “annoying.” The partner routinely denying sex holds all the cards and has already decided that you and your needs are “annoying.”

Yeah, the "just communicate" camp really minimizes the costs of communicating on this issue. The very act of communicating about sex can reduce or degrade the limited sex you're having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

No. You have s-x and romance with your spouse. You can outsource companionship, intellectual discussions, advice, etc. If you’re expecting your marriage to be everything, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself, and him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Wat does that even mean? Explain to me like I'm 5. I'm a 50 years old man and sex is still important to me. What the hell does that mean "as the female need it"? Are you saying men don't need it. Let me tell you this forum is becoming stranger and stranger

How should men express that it’s important to us, without be annoying or creating an additional obstacle.

Initiate every day, but don’t be sulky or upset when you are turned down.
Do it for a month, see what happens.

[Anonymous]

It's over rated. Once I broke out of the Christian mindset and social norms I have felt so free. Been single for years and love it. Love dating whoever I want and moving along when they don't suit my needs (I keep my kids out of it). Their dad constantly has a new gf who he cheats on with men lol.

The happiest people I know are poly. My sister and her husband are poly since they are bi and they have a very healthy marriage. If I ever get married it will be with someone who is open to me dating women as well.

[Anonymous]

Monogamy is an important guardrail for most people, so I think it’s good it’s messaged the way it is. Those who are capable of managing non-monogamy in a healthy way are surely also capable of being discreet about it. Not a big ask given the many social benefits of monogamy as a practice in general IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's over rated. Once I broke out of the Christian mindset and social norms I have felt so free. Been single for years and love it. Love dating whoever I want and moving along when they don't suit my needs (I keep my kids out of it). Their dad constantly has a new gf who he cheats on with men lol.

The happiest people I know are poly. My sister and her husband are poly since they are bi and they have a very healthy marriage. If I ever get married it will be with someone who is open to me dating women as well.

What did it take to get out the Christian mindset?

[Anonymous]

I’ve never thought monogamy was the be all of any relationship.

That said, trust, openness and communication are important.

My partner of 20 years cheated and I am absolutely devastated. It’s not the fact he was with someone else but the lying, secrecy and attention that he poured into that relationship while showing me such contempt that has ruined me. I had even told him at one point that if he wanted to keep seeing her, it was okay but he had to be open about it. He kept denying she existed even though I had proof. I’m not sure if he was so tied to some idea of monogamy that it was shameful to admit it to me or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it sounds exhausting. Don't know where people find the time to be non monogamous.

[Anonymous]

Yes, completely reasonable to expect monogamy. Everything is a choice and actions reflect those choices.