Monogamy is over rated -from a married mother of three children perspective

[Anonymous]

You are modeling an unhealthy marriage for your children.

They will grow into healthier adults if they have happy parents who made choices that were in their best interests. Not a fighting couple with no romance. Is that what you want them to seek in a spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you get the idea that your partner should fulfill ALL your needs?

+1

Such an entitled mindset, to think that one's spouse/partner should or could fulfill all needs.

Such a cheater mindset, to pretend "open marriage" is anything other than cheating. And yes, you open marriage advocates of DCUM, I'm judging, and I own that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are modeling an unhealthy marriage for your children.

They will grow into healthier adults if they have happy parents who made choices that were in their best interests. Not a fighting couple with no romance. Is that what you want them to seek in a spouse?

This. Betting that OP doesn't see it that way, though. People who insist on keeping the family "intact" despite trashing vows and being unhappy tend not to recognize that they are setting their kids up to think sex is always paramount in relationships, and vows are just for fun.

[Anonymous]

I’m a mom of three very happy in my marriage and yes, I expect fidelity. We are at twenty years but I would expect my feelings to be the same in 30, that’s what we vowed to each other and vows mean something. They don’t have a time limit.

I don’t expect my husband to be everything to me though. No one person can be the entirety of fulfillment for another. I have friends and hobbies and a community I engage in and care about.

[Anonymous]

No, it is not reasonable to expect another person t9 meet all your needs. You’re really the one responsible for making sure your needs are met. Monogamy in itself is not good or bad but it’s more so that it’s the default approach to raising kids. (Does not mean single parent, divorced parents, non monogamous parents cannot do a good job!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

You put "open" in quotes which obviously means it's not a consensually negotiated open marriage, but rather--you're a cheater, OP.

I don't get the 50 years though and talking about a torn home for your children, that makes it sound like your marriage is much less than 50 years.

So, no clues are given as to why your marriage is "longtime sexless," but maybe it might help if you weren't f***ing other men??

[Anonymous]

I also have three and been married just under 20 year. Open ihss popped in my head because my wife has little interest. Mainly do to a low libido (not new) and busy life. Plus, when it does occur, she tells me to be quick.

I don’t want to divorce and ruin the family. So open isn’t a consideration. Recommendations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably your husband isn't into sex with you and this is why you think that. Lots of men with low libido or closeted gay. It's not the idea, it's the man you are married to.

This.

[Anonymous]

I would go so far as to say monogamy is not natural.

I'm a woman in a sexless marriage as well. But I adore my DH and the marriage is pretty much perfect in every other way, so I'm happy enough to put up with it.

I consider my marriage open if I want it to be though -- you can't not have sex with someone for years and tell them they can't have it with someone else. That just isn't reasonable. Fortunately my DH is very reasonable (and sweet) so it is understood that I will do what I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is one of the bases for a civil society.

No.

Purported monogamy is. And that is because ... misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Non-monogamy is only ethical if consensual. Otherwise you are just cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think divorce is totally ok and if people want an open marriage, go for it.

But I think it's funny/interesting when people who struggle with monogamy are like "I just think monogamy is unrealistic/unnatural/stupid." You are projecting your own issues with your own marriage onto everyone else.

My spouse and I have been together and monogamous for 20 years. Yes there are downsides to monogamy and we've dealt with sexual stagnation, uneven interest, and boredom. But we've discussed it and, for us, the upsides of monogamy outweigh those issues, and we are both willing to work through those challenges. We like that monogamy simplifies our relationship, creates a very stable home life for our kids, and facilitates trust and commitment by ensuring that when we do go through difficult times, we turn to one another for solutions instead of reaching outside the marriage.

We both have friends, hobbies, and interests outside of each other. We are not one another's sole source or f emotional.support or fulfillment.

For us, monogamy is one of the big selling points of marriage. We've also been lucky in some ways, especially in recent years as our libidos have both dipped at the same time. But even when it's been hard, it's been worth it, and you be never thought "oh this is unreasonable." It's reasonable for us.

But it's okay if it's not for everyone and I don't judge people who make other choices unless their choices hurt people.

I have been married for 17 years and I just don’t think, at this point, that I can make a definitive statement on the marriage the way you are. Life throws a lot of curveballs. Like if there was a health issue and DH and I couldn’t sleep together anymore, would that be the end of sex for the other person? I cannot say for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BS. There's a reason why adultery is cited and condemned 186 times in the Bible. That's because throughout all of history, selfishness, sexual sin and the demise of the marriage and family has been horrible for everyone, communities, societies. Horrible.

Giving in to sexual temptations only makes you a selfish, harmful person, and a terrible example to your children, with a domino effect of generational trauma.

I'm against adultery, but reference to the Bible is silly. It barely qualifies as history and certainly not a representative history. The views of Bronze Age shepherds are interesting but hardly authoritative. They were like as not to view women as property rather than equal human actors. "Sin" is also silly.

That said, the Bible, it's version of morality, and the concept of sin do get some important ideas. Marriage and a stable family unit are beneficial for children and society generally. You know who is responsible for taking care of the little ones and it generally guards against outsiders f**king with that unit, disrupting loyalties and diverting resources. Eroding the family unit has a detrimental effect on the children and on the community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So have all the friends you want, take a great course for the intellectual stimulation, attend church or synagogue for your spiritual needs, call your mother twice a week.

But lean into your marriage for sex and romance. BTDT. Polyamory and open relationships are not compatible with the stage of raising kids in a stable household.

+1. Your partner shouldn’t fill all your needs, but I chose to not outsource sexual needs.

[Anonymous]

Usually men lose interest with their partners and look elsewhere as they are more visual.