Monogamy is over rated -from a married mother of three children perspective

[Anonymous]

Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

[Anonymous]

I've always thought this.

[Anonymous]

So have all the friends you want, take a great course for the intellectual stimulation, attend church or synagogue for your spiritual needs, call your mother twice a week.

But lean into your marriage for sex and romance. BTDT. Polyamory and open relationships are not compatible with the stage of raising kids in a stable household.

[Anonymous]

Where did you get the idea that your partner should fulfill ALL your needs?

[Anonymous]

Stop justifying your affair. Get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Monogamy is one of the bases for a civil society.

[Anonymous]

For a lot of people, resentments can build up over many years. If both partners are super forgiving, then monogamy can certainly work. But my experience divorcing after 40 years was that shedding the resentment was enormously freeing, and I found a new partner who is forgiving (plus there’s no 40–year history for resentments to build/fester).

[Anonymous]

Probably your husband isn't into sex with you and this is why you think that. Lots of men with low libido or closeted gay. It's not the idea, it's the man you are married to.

[Anonymous]

I think divorce is totally ok and if people want an open marriage, go for it.

But I think it's funny/interesting when people who struggle with monogamy are like "I just think monogamy is unrealistic/unnatural/stupid." You are projecting your own issues with your own marriage onto everyone else.

My spouse and I have been together and monogamous for 20 years. Yes there are downsides to monogamy and we've dealt with sexual stagnation, uneven interest, and boredom. But we've discussed it and, for us, the upsides of monogamy outweigh those issues, and we are both willing to work through those challenges. We like that monogamy simplifies our relationship, creates a very stable home life for our kids, and facilitates trust and commitment by ensuring that when we do go through difficult times, we turn to one another for solutions instead of reaching outside the marriage.

We both have friends, hobbies, and interests outside of each other. We are not one another's sole source or f emotional.support or fulfillment.

For us, monogamy is one of the big selling points of marriage. We've also been lucky in some ways, especially in recent years as our libidos have both dipped at the same time. But even when it's been hard, it's been worth it, and you be never thought "oh this is unreasonable." It's reasonable for us.

But it's okay if it's not for everyone and I don't judge people who make other choices unless their choices hurt people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a lot of people, resentments can build up over many years. If both partners are super forgiving, then monogamy can certainly work. But my experience divorcing after 40 years was that shedding the resentment was enormously freeing, and I found a new partner who is forgiving (plus there’s no 40–year history for resentments to build/fester).

My experience as the child of someone whose parents divorced after that length of time is that both parents went crazy during the divorce and caused a huge rift. My mom's partner is a cold fish who doesn't support us having a relationship with her and when we try to invite him places, over to eat, he just sits there. What's sad too is they both have tons of money but they expect us to pay for both of them when we eat out and when his family visits, we are expected to pay for all of them (that happened twice and we never went out with them again).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you get the idea that your partner should fulfill ALL your needs?

+ 1
Seriously.

[Anonymous]

I stopped reading after "three children". You are in a cluster-fuzz once you have more than 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Women get bored of a monogamous partner earlier than men do

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/women-get-bored-sex-long-term-relationships/582736/?gift=nbnbhRdLu3rB-ISnotJGxQiN1rXFBzYSbK3BFnF38hs&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share

and read What Do Women Want by Daniel Berger ...

Women get bored with their partners, men are more likely to stay satisfied with the same partner if they are still having sex.

[Anonymous]

Whatever happened to marriage vows, specifically for better or worse? People have become so freaking selfish.