Monogamy is over rated -from a married mother of three children perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Don’t you have any friends, relatives, hobbies, passions, outside interests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So have all the friends you want, take a great course for the intellectual stimulation, attend church or synagogue for your spiritual needs, call your mother twice a week.

But lean into your marriage for sex and romance. BTDT. Polyamory and open relationships are not compatible with the stage of raising kids in a stable household.

+1.

I grew up in culture with lots of polyamory, step siblings/ parents. It's a horror show.

Monogamy has its challenges, but it's still better than the available alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Your problem isn’t monogamy. Your problem is the nonstop fighting. What are you fighting about?

Another relationship won’t fix that. There will always be problems in relationships. What’s important is how you deal with them.

[Anonymous]

As a married working mom I honestly wonder how anyone has the time and energy to be non monogamous. Don't get me wrong, this isn't the only reason I have no desire to date anyone else, but it just sounds so exhausting.

[Anonymous]

As a single mom by choice, I listen to my married friends very reasonably muse over statements like this, and I’m always a little mystified. We all have to make choices OP. With the frequency of marriage failures specifically related to infidelity, I chose not to get married. I lived through what it did to my parent’s marriage and decided that was not for me. Motherhood however, was very important, so I chose that pathway, and I’ve accepted the challenges that accompany my choice. I have to make every decision on my own, I have to earn all the money, I have to help my child navigate the world with one parent. And she’s doing amazingly well. And yes, I also get to have private relationships on my own time. I don’t have a two parent household, I don’t have the social status that accompanies being married, I don’t have anybody to bounce decisions off of in my household. Those are the things you have. And no, you don’t also get to have a boyfriend.


I really appreciate that this is a very normal thing you’re struggling with, but I have to tell you that it feels fairly immature and myopic. You don’t get to have it all. You chose the married route, and yes, that comes with the limitations that it comes with. Open up the emergency and see how that goes, but as a poster upthread pointed out, it doesn’t work. It’s simply not compatible with the childrearing stage of life.

[Anonymous]

BS. There's a reason why adultery is cited and condemned 186 times in the Bible. That's because throughout all of history, selfishness, sexual sin and the demise of the marriage and family has been horrible for everyone, communities, societies. Horrible.

Giving in to sexual temptations only makes you a selfish, harmful person, and a terrible example to your children, with a domino effect of generational trauma.

[Anonymous]

*open up the marriage

[Anonymous]

did I read right that you have been married 50 years and had to open up the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

That’s not what monogamy means. This post isn’t as deep as you think it is. Get a divorce, you sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you get the idea that your partner should fulfill ALL your needs?

This.

Growing separately is different than growing apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it reasonable to expect in marriages lasting nearly 50 year, that each partner will be able to fill all of the needs of the other partner? I simply think dont think it is realistic expectation to require one person, your spouse, to meet all of the emotional, physical, spiritual, family, and intellectual intimacy we need for the rest of our lives. In our longtime sexless marriage, it has been "open" more because I as the female need it, more so that him than. I'm trying to stick it out and not have our poor marriage lead to a torn home for my children though. I don't now if the fighting and being married is better, or it would just be better have a calm home --and two separate ones.

Want does not equal need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you get the idea that your partner should fulfill ALL your needs?

Exactly. It won't happen if you marry 3 times even. You trade one set of problems for another. If OP is fighting with her spouse then she is engaging as well. Stop arguing for one, walk out of the room if you're married to someone that tries that. Eventually they can't fight if someone doesn't give them that negative attention.

[Anonymous]

Speak for yourself.

-signed, mom of three who would’ve 100 % preferred a monogamous marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speak for yourself.

-signed, mom of three who would’ve 100 % preferred a monogamous marriage.

Agree as another mom of three (married for 22 years). If you want to go be whorish, that's between you and your spouse OP. You do not speak for the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Tbh, relationships never lasted so long as they do now because of life expectancy and comfortable life. My both grandmas lost their spouses in the wars in their 20s and 30s. They both had several partners afterwards without leaving anyone. It was very uncommon to stay with one partner for 50 years, because usually the man would be dead after 10-15 years for one reason or another (war or illness).