Sad because I feel like I'm not cut out to have another child

[Anonymous]

I was the same as you, OP. I NEVER thought I would have just one child. But here I am.

Like others, I struggled to find a story to tell myself that didn’t involve me being less, failing, being weaker than moms with more, etc. But what ultimately helped me make peace with this decision was to remind myself that this life is my life, too. This time is my time. If I die in 2 years, will I be happy with how I spent my time? If my husband dies in 2 years will I be happy with how WE spent our time? I’ve lost many loved ones in my life and have friends my own age who are sick and dying. You don’t decide how much time you get on planet earth.

So with that understanding, I asked myself the question: do I want to spend my time gestating, birthing, and raising another child? When I think of it like that, the answer becomes very clear for me. No. I don’t want to spend another year of my life doing baby stuff, getting daycare bugs, changing diapers, tracking naps, dealing with tantrums etc. For the people out there who seem to find a lot more joy in parenting than I do, this works the opposite way. If they had two years to live, they might choose to have babies! that’s great But I don’t want to spend another year of my life doing baby stuff and not getting quality time with my spouse. It’s my life too.

Some people will take issue with this approach, saying that it is taking the short view. And that sometimes, you have to sacrifice in the short term for a long term gain. Kids at the hypothetical holiday table, sibling relationships, etc. I think these long term gains are imaginary. This isn’t a bad thing, and some people find great pleasure in imagining what their lives will be like when their children are grown. But we all can agree that we cannot predict the future and we don’t know if these short term sacrifices will ultimately lead to the relationship with or adult children that we imagine.

Your life is now. That’s how I got there. Hope it helps.

[Anonymous]

I have one kid and always wanted two, but having one kid has been great for a variety of reasons. Don't beat yourself up - there are a lot of advantages to being one and done.

[Anonymous]

Because having children IS WORK. You have actually work and not just sit and enjoy your baby. Many people are not ready for it.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks so much for all of these responses. Most of them words really helpful. I’m definitely not ready to have another baby, and maybe I never will be. I’m going to try to put it out of my mind for now.

I’m actually excited about the thought of having an only. Most of my friends have one and I have some really good friends who are only children that loved their experience growing up. It’s just that my mind was blown thinking about doing that year all over again, wondering how/why people do it. I was one of two so I just thought I would have two without really examining it. But it’s still really early so I won’t stress about it for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an only and have an only. I definitely got resources as an only that have benefited me as an adult. My husband and I were both older with ours so we were limited on time. We knew within the first year that we were done. Honestly, we were so lucky with our daughter that I couldn’t rolling the dice again. Easy pregnancy, strong healthy baby. And now I’ve got a little spitfire who’s an interesting combination of just like me and not at all like me. Enjoy your child and don’t feel the least bit guilty. If you need to grieve the loss of what you thought you would have, that’s perfectly fine.

I couldve written this and feel the same!

[Anonymous]

Lately on my social media feeds I've been seeing pictures of women with 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 kids with the caption saying "this is what peak female performance looks like."

I threw up in my mouth a little and couldn't get past this ick. OP you are right to get off social media, it is toxic. You do what is best for you and your family, if that means you have one child that is enough. Also there are many different paths to building a family if you change your mind later. We have 2 kids, one bio as like you I couldn't go thru with another baby and then we adopted a child as it felt the right thing to do. We know a few families who foster kids and that is a wonderful thing to do as well.

[Anonymous]

So I went through a similar run of emotions actually after two, having planned for three or four. The situations are actually the same though if you think about it - theoretically wanting another child, but not feeling like you have the bandwidth, and the dread of the newborn stage (uuuuggggghhhhhhhhh the newborn stage is the worst, I'm with you with that).

What I did, and I'd recommend the same for you, is two things: 1) Start actively trying to make your life easier. Your "How do other people do this?" is a good inquiry! See if you can implement some changes to find more bandwidth. 2) Think critically about that first year, and particularly the newborn stage, and see if there are things you can do differently next time to make it easier on yourself.

For me, I had a lot of success with both of those points, got to the point where I was confident I could handle it, and went for #3 (four was off the table). It worked out well for me. But it's possible that you'll never feel you have the bandwidth for another, and that's totally fine, too! But it's worth some experimenting over the next year or so.

For making your life easier:
-You say your husband "helps" - "helps" or is a full partner? Is he doing half the mental labor? Half the childcare? For me, that's mission critical.
-We started structuring our weekends so that we each get a half a weekend day off almost every weekend. Either from morning until about 2pm, or from 2pm to bedtime. That still leaves two half days (or one whole day) for family time. When you're off you're OFF. I usually like to take the morning shift off, and I sleep with earplugs. Husband gets up with the kids and takes them out for an adventure and I sleep till 10 and hang out in my jammies and read, maybe get lunch with a friend. It's SUCH a game changer.
-How's the sleep situation in your house? Is your one year old sleep trained? Are you getting enough sleep? Forget this bulish*t of parents living off six hours a sleep a night - that's not sustainable or pleasant for nearly anyone.
-Independent playtime can be a godsend. Start teaching your kid to play in her crib with a few toys for 10 mins a day (with you out of sight) and work up to a full 30 mins. Don't kid yourself - this is a skill, and a very valuable one to start teaching your kid.
-What else can you streamline from your routine? I shower every other day, kids get two baths a week. Sheets get washed once every 3-4 weeks. Pants and sweaters get reworn. Cleaning lady comes monthly and we don't do much cleaning in between. Most of our dinners can be prepared in 20-30 mins, max. And yet, we're all happy, healthy, and non-smelly. Lots of tasks are optional if you start thinking about it that way.

Then, what can you do to make the newborn stage easier? For us, we landed on:
-Night nanny 3x a week for weeks 2-12. Saved saved saved to be able to do this.
-I combo fed from jump. Being the baby's only food source was not for me (even though, like you, nursing was pretty easy for me). He got a bottle of formula once a day from jump, and I got 4 hours sleep a night from day 1. HUGE difference.
-I trashed my pumps and weaned before I went back to work. Pumping sucks.
-I joined a new mom's group for the first time. It was so nice to have a little baby-friendly socializing on maternity leave!
-Anyone who came to visit the baby got a chore. Sure, hold the baby and coo for 20 mins and then yeah, here's a broom, do some sweeping. Here's a pile of laundry, could you please fold it? I was actually shocked at how eager people were to help once I just opened my mouth and asked.

With all this, I was able to truly enjoy my third baby in a way that I just didn't with #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the same as you, OP. I NEVER thought I would have just one child. But here I am.

Like others, I struggled to find a story to tell myself that didn’t involve me being less, failing, being weaker than moms with more, etc. But what ultimately helped me make peace with this decision was to remind myself that this life is my life, too. This time is my time. If I die in 2 years, will I be happy with how I spent my time? If my husband dies in 2 years will I be happy with how WE spent our time? I’ve lost many loved ones in my life and have friends my own age who are sick and dying. You don’t decide how much time you get on planet earth.

So with that understanding, I asked myself the question: do I want to spend my time gestating, birthing, and raising another child? When I think of it like that, the answer becomes very clear for me. No. I don’t want to spend another year of my life doing baby stuff, getting daycare bugs, changing diapers, tracking naps, dealing with tantrums etc. For the people out there who seem to find a lot more joy in parenting than I do, this works the opposite way. If they had two years to live, they might choose to have babies! that’s great But I don’t want to spend another year of my life doing baby stuff and not getting quality time with my spouse. It’s my life too.

Some people will take issue with this approach, saying that it is taking the short view. And that sometimes, you have to sacrifice in the short term for a long term gain. Kids at the hypothetical holiday table, sibling relationships, etc. I think these long term gains are imaginary. This isn’t a bad thing, and some people find great pleasure in imagining what their lives will be like when their children are grown. But we all can agree that we cannot predict the future and we don’t know if these short term sacrifices will ultimately lead to the relationship with or adult children that we imagine.

Your life is now. That’s how I got there. Hope it helps.

Wow, I could have written this myself. Thanks for putting these feelings so well! It took me a couple years of therapy to come to these conclusions and not feel like I'm less or weaker or deficient as my friends who eagerly had multiple kids. And I'm an only who had a great childhood!

Honestly, I feel like having one kid is a life hack. We can easily travel with him, have no money worries, our house isn't bursting at the seams, and I finally feel like I'm getting my own self back now that DS is in elementary school.