Sad because I feel like I'm not cut out to have another child

[Anonymous]

I have a one year old and in my head I always thought I would have 2 children but the thought of having another fills me with dread. I just don't know how other people do it. My baby is generally pretty easy, although she has her moments. I just have not enjoyed parenting like I thought I would. I love my baby but the newborn stage was just horrible. I hated it. Breastfeeding was the worst even though it came easily to me. Each stage has been better and better past 6 months, and I definitely enjoy the toddler period more than the baby period. I actually loved every second of being pregnant and I would be fine with giving birth again, but the thought of doing this first year again, this time with another child's needs to attend to, just seems horrible.

I feel like I'm a good mother and my baby is well taken care of and happy, but I feel like such a failure that I don't think I could handle more. This is especially true because I have an easy life, my husband helps out a lot, money isn't a concern, and we both have very flexible jobs. I just feel like parenting is so all consuming that I don't have anything left. My husband is much more open to the idea of having just one child than I am. He thinks it's best to not even think about having a second until our baby turns two, and I agree with him, but I've become obsessed with trying to figure out how other people make it work. I also feel stressed about time since I am in my late 30s. I had an easy time conceiving at 37 but obviously I don't know if that will still be the case later. Lately on my social media feeds I've been seeing pictures of women with 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 kids with the caption saying "this is what peak female performance looks like." It is obviously propaganda and from my own observation of family members with tons of kids I know those women aren't happy all of the time and a lot of the kids are miserable as well but I still feel so shitty for only feeling like I can handle one. I know, I know, get off social media and I block those posts when I see them but the thoughts still creep in.

Anyway, has anyone else felt the same and ending up having a second? How did that go? Are you happy with your decision?

[Anonymous]

That's ok. One is a lot. You're doing great

[Anonymous]

Kids are hard, and harder for some than others. I'm one of those mothers who is always somewhere between overwhelmed and feeling utterly exhausted to feeling like I'm actually drowning. It's fine to have one child, really.

[Anonymous]

Up until about 3.5-4 yo, I couldn't imagine having a second for reasons a little different than yours. If I hadn't aged out, I'd be trying for a second now.

[Anonymous]

I think that part of maturity is adjusting your mindset. In high school I thought I'd be finished having kids by age 25 - whereas now in my 40's when talking this past weekend to a college boy about dating I told him not to even get married until 30.

So you had a fantasy of being a mom of two. But then you had one and adjusted your vision of your future. Be PROUD of yourself for that, because it takes self-reflection and maturity, and not everyone has that.

[Anonymous]

PP and I'll say that with one, I felt like at least after the infant stage I was able to have a bit of time and energy for my career, friends and my marriage. Had an unplanned second and all of that has evaporated. Everyday is a huge struggle and I don't see it getting much better for many years.

[Anonymous]

Oh goodness.

1. Get off social media, or change your algorithm. My algorithm currently thinks I’m a fat teacher obsessed with cancer. Get off social media.

2. I think tooooo many people do the 2 year age gap which I frankly think is terrible. It’s shoved down our throats…I remember it being so common in the dc area. But truly, a wide age gap is fine. You have time.

3. One and done is fine as well. Think of all you can do: easily travel, private school, camps…we have 3 kids and I adore them and surely don’t wish them away but holy crap it is a LOT. I have friends with one child and I do envy them.

4. The second child’s first year might be great. It’s a gamble.

5. ENJOY your toddler! Try to stop thinking about what’s next and simply enjoy the little being in front of you.

Let me know if you want to volley back and forth on here…I’m sorry you’re struggling.

[Anonymous]

I found the early years hard. But I wanted a family more than I wanted babies, if that makes sense. So we were fortunate enough to have two, and I slogged through the early years. They are now teens/tweens and for me it was worth getting through those years to have the family I envisioned.

[Anonymous]

I went through this. It was my DH pushing back on a second more than me but ultimately we wound up on the same page.

If we'd had more support or more money at the time (to pay for support) we would have done it. I had to mourn not having that second kid.

But I got past it and now I live our family of three and I enjoy all the upsides to being one and done. I get to experience all aspects of being a parent (except anything related to siblings) but it's easier and less expensive overall. I also think I have a unique relationship with my only that would not be possible if I had another. Not saying that's better -- if we had another I'd have a relationship with our second child and my kids would have a relationship with each other. But also DD and I would not have quite the same relationship and we have a very special bond that I love.

Also I used to be a bit insecure about only having one, and more defensive about my parenting (when you only have one you never really get to be the experienced parent because every new phase is new to you). But I'm not anymore. When people are critical of my parenting or dismissive because I "only" have one, I've learned to just let that go and realize that's not really about me.

I also have a good friend who is an only, has a fantastic relationship with her parents, and has served as a terrific example of what a family like this can look like. That's been so good for me, to help me accept my family as is and not view it as lacking in any way, just different. My friend loves being an only child.

[Anonymous]

yes 100%! The difference is I came from a big family and always knew with certainty I only wanted one. But it still shocks me how people do the whole newborn stage twice, and with a toddler.

Your job is to be the best mom you can be, period. I agree with your husband that you can table this for a year and reconsider.

[Anonymous]

I am an only child, OP, and I've managed pretty well with friends in lieu of siblings. I did feel smothered by my mother at times, but my relationship with her as an adult is fine. Please don't feel guilty about any of your feelings, they are all valid and legitimate!

I'm a low-energy person in general, but as soon as I recovered psychologically from my first traumatic birth, I wanted another child. Which means there's a 5 year gap between them, because that's how long it took to dull the memory of pitocin with no pain meds.

And now I find myself with an oops pregnancy, with teens in the house! Oh well. We'll manage.

[Anonymous]

I have one, and it’s because I had health challenges caused by childbirth injuries plus a DH who turned out to not really have the bandwidth or ability to parent. He isn’t a bad parent, but responsibility for a child has revealed his limitations. These are not things I would ever share with anyone when the more kids/why do you have an only/“just one?” conversations pop up. No one wants to hear about my invasive and only partially successful vaginal surgery or my husband’s mental health challenges! So I know that given the lack of visible reasons, people with more than one kid wonder what’s up with me.

I feel embarrassed sometimes when I’m around people with lots of kids because I feel less capable or less brave or just plain less for having one. Some of that is crap others put on me, some of it is crap I’ve told myself, and some of it is the truth.

[Anonymous]

I have an only 9 year old. I come from a huge family and always thought i would have more. I had significant health issues with birth. And then my baby was so so so so difficult for an entire year. Didn't sleep, didnt eat, cried constantly it was miserable. DH and I both never felt ready for another.

I was sad about it for awhile and it was hardest whej he was in preschool and every one he knew was getting a sibling. I fielded a lot of "so when are you having your next" conversations. But now, no one ever comments, no one ever asks, and my son is perfectly happy and well adjusted. Our family is complete.

There are so many perks to having only one. Logistics are easier. Money is easier. You can travel and sign your kid up for whatever activities they want to pursue. Its not a bad life.

Don't let others make you feel less. This is just a season for you. Continue doing your best and enjoy yoir family!

[Anonymous]

I was born to be a mother of one. After having my easy baby I never wanted to have another baby. I adore my DD. She is my everything and somehow I didn’t want another one. I was not going to have another baby just because it is socially acceptable to have 2+ kids.

I felt bad the first years because I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want more babies. Now I feel good with my decision. I algo got lucky and my DD has never asked for a sibling.

[Anonymous]

I'm autistic and don't feel bad about being a one and done mom. I'm just not good at handling noise and chaos.