Sad because I feel like I'm not cut out to have another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a one year old and in my head I always thought I would have 2 children but the thought of having another fills me with dread. I just don't know how other people do it. My baby is generally pretty easy, although she has her moments. I just have not enjoyed parenting like I thought I would. I love my baby but the newborn stage was just horrible. I hated it. Breastfeeding was the worst even though it came easily to me. Each stage has been better and better past 6 months, and I definitely enjoy the toddler period more than the baby period. I actually loved every second of being pregnant and I would be fine with giving birth again, but the thought of doing this first year again, this time with another child's needs to attend to, just seems horrible.

I feel like I'm a good mother and my baby is well taken care of and happy, but I feel like such a failure that I don't think I could handle more. This is especially true because I have an easy life, my husband helps out a lot, money isn't a concern, and we both have very flexible jobs. I just feel like parenting is so all consuming that I don't have anything left. My husband is much more open to the idea of having just one child than I am. He thinks it's best to not even think about having a second until our baby turns two, and I agree with him, but I've become obsessed with trying to figure out how other people make it work. I also feel stressed about time since I am in my late 30s. I had an easy time conceiving at 37 but obviously I don't know if that will still be the case later. Lately on my social media feeds I've been seeing pictures of women with 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 kids with the caption saying "this is what peak female performance looks like." It is obviously propaganda and from my own observation of family members with tons of kids I know those women aren't happy all of the time and a lot of the kids are miserable as well but I still feel so shitty for only feeling like I can handle one. I know, I know, get off social media and I block those posts when I see them but the thoughts still creep in.

Anyway, has anyone else felt the same and ending up having a second? How did that go? Are you happy with your decision?

I felt like that at one year. I just really didn't enjoy having a small baby or even a toddler, to be honest. I'd always planned on two, and couldn't even face the idea of trying for the second until the first was 18 months old. We wound up with a 3.5 year age gap and it has been wonderful. I had a much easier time with my second - I think a lot of the issue with the first was post-partum anxiety and adjusting to being a parent and having someone depend on me, and since that was already done, it wasn't such a change for the second. I also was a lot more confident with baby handling and child rearing.

Kids are elementary schoolers now and I am thrilled with two. I know I could not have any more, though.

Since yours is so young, why not just table the idea of a second for six months and see how you feel then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a one year old and in my head I always thought I would have 2 children but the thought of having another fills me with dread. I just don't know how other people do it. My baby is generally pretty easy, although she has her moments. I just have not enjoyed parenting like I thought I would. I love my baby but the newborn stage was just horrible. I hated it. Breastfeeding was the worst even though it came easily to me. Each stage has been better and better past 6 months, and I definitely enjoy the toddler period more than the baby period. I actually loved every second of being pregnant and I would be fine with giving birth again, but the thought of doing this first year again, this time with another child's needs to attend to, just seems horrible.

I feel like I'm a good mother and my baby is well taken care of and happy, but I feel like such a failure that I don't think I could handle more. This is especially true because I have an easy life, my husband helps out a lot, money isn't a concern, and we both have very flexible jobs. I just feel like parenting is so all consuming that I don't have anything left. My husband is much more open to the idea of having just one child than I am. He thinks it's best to not even think about having a second until our baby turns two, and I agree with him, but I've become obsessed with trying to figure out how other people make it work. I also feel stressed about time since I am in my late 30s. I had an easy time conceiving at 37 but obviously I don't know if that will still be the case later. Lately on my social media feeds I've been seeing pictures of women with 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 kids with the caption saying "this is what peak female performance looks like." It is obviously propaganda and from my own observation of family members with tons of kids I know those women aren't happy all of the time and a lot of the kids are miserable as well but I still feel so shitty for only feeling like I can handle one. I know, I know, get off social media and I block those posts when I see them but the thoughts still creep in.

Anyway, has anyone else felt the same and ending up having a second? How did that go? Are you happy with your decision?

I could have written this post.

The first year of my first child’s life was very tough. He wasn’t a hard baby and breastfeeding sucked, but it came easy. I hated the newborn phase and didnt want to go through it again.

I waited another year and my desire to have another baby overwhelmed my dread of the newborn/infant phase and I had another. It was so much better the second time around. I felt much more confident in everything I did.

I had an oops third and again I worried about the newborn/infant phase and I just really enjoyed it that time.

Every kid is different and you are different with each kid because you keep growing and learning.

I’m not saying you should have another kid, just that you never know how the next one is going to go.

[Anonymous]

Imagine doing it again but never breastfeeding. Hand the dad a bottle of formula in the hospital and don’t look back. Does that change your view at all?

[Anonymous]

I also wondered why everyone around me was happily having another when I felt so overwhelmed with one. How could they possibly want more? Were their lives so much different than mine?

Parenting did get easier when he was in preschool but I had absolutely no desire to go back to the baby stage at that point. I was relieved to feel like myself again.

He's now a senior in college. No regrets about stopping at one.

[Anonymous]

Th first year of your first kid is a complete shock. My transition from 0-1 kids was far more difficult than 1-2 or 2-3 (so far.)

I also dreaded the newborn phase with each of my kids. It goes by quickly though and there is a lot of joy. The way I saw it was I wanted the subsequent children, and that the time was going to pass regardless of whether I did it, and at the end of the day, I wanted to have the kids (if that makes sense.)

I agonized over whether to have a third and tried to figure out how other people did it- especially when my second was under 18 months. It became clearer to me when each of my children were over two years old that I wanted another - so your husband is right to see how you feel if you don’t need to make the decision now.

That said, I now know I’m done at 3. You should trust your gut if you feel you do not want to handle more. There is nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

This is not a normal feeling at all. Someone who is well off with plentiful resources, time and support should not feel overwhelmed with one child. This sounds like an issue with you currently, not something that just may be provoked with a second kid, and you owe it to your current kid to work with a therapist and figure it out.

[Anonymous]

I felt the same and only had 1 child, no regrets. My child was a difficult baby, difficult toddler, and now a difficult child. My child cried every hour of the waking day until 4 years old. I did not have the capacity to have another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a normal feeling at all. Someone who is well off with plentiful resources, time and support should not feel overwhelmed with one child. This sounds like an issue with you currently, not something that just may be provoked with a second kid, and you owe it to your current kid to work with a therapist and figure it out.

It is actually a completely normal feeling. And it's also completely normal to not want any children. Not all women want to be baby making and baby rearing machines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a normal feeling at all. Someone who is well off with plentiful resources, time and support should not feel overwhelmed with one child. This sounds like an issue with you currently, not something that just may be provoked with a second kid, and you owe it to your current kid to work with a therapist and figure it out.

It is actually a completely normal feeling. And it's also completely normal to not want any children. Not all women want to be baby making and baby rearing machines.

No, thousands of years of history tells us that’s not normal. At all. There are exceptions but that is far from the norm. The only time not having babies became ‘normalized’ in any society is immediately preceding a complete societal collapse. Read a book.

[Anonymous]

I think some people forget the details of newborn phase more quickly than others. But I have 2 and can honestly say that the first year of my second child's life was probably the easiest. The baby phase with subsequent children is just not the same as the first time around. Assuming a normal birth and child, parents are usually more chill, you don't stress over everything (partly because no time and energy to do that). And you are always "on" anyways for your toddler, so the baby just comes along wherever you go. IMO, it's when the second kid has their own opinion that it gets really hard. Babyhood is easy in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a normal feeling at all. Someone who is well off with plentiful resources, time and support should not feel overwhelmed with one child. This sounds like an issue with you currently, not something that just may be provoked with a second kid, and you owe it to your current kid to work with a therapist and figure it out.

It is actually a completely normal feeling. And it's also completely normal to not want any children. Not all women want to be baby making and baby rearing machines.

No, thousands of years of history tells us that’s not normal. At all. There are exceptions but that is far from the norm. The only time not having babies became ‘normalized’ in any society is immediately preceding a complete societal collapse. Read a book.

I wonder what kind of role model you are to your kid(s).

[Anonymous]

Just sayin' two kids is actually easier than one in many respects after the youngest is a year old. I'd go for it and I would go for it right now. If you wait, you will not ever want to go back. Just gut out that first year again. And if you didn't like breastfeeding, do it for 6 weeks and then feed formula. My pediatrician said about 50% of the benefits of breastfeeding are incurred in the first 6 weeks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a normal feeling at all. Someone who is well off with plentiful resources, time and support should not feel overwhelmed with one child. This sounds like an issue with you currently, not something that just may be provoked with a second kid, and you owe it to your current kid to work with a therapist and figure it out.

This is ridiculous. It is totally a normal feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a normal feeling at all. Someone who is well off with plentiful resources, time and support should not feel overwhelmed with one child. This sounds like an issue with you currently, not something that just may be provoked with a second kid, and you owe it to your current kid to work with a therapist and figure it out.

It is actually a completely normal feeling. And it's also completely normal to not want any children. Not all women want to be baby making and baby rearing machines.

No, thousands of years of history tells us that’s not normal. At all. There are exceptions but that is far from the norm. The only time not having babies became ‘normalized’ in any society is immediately preceding a complete societal collapse. Read a book.

As soon as women have access to birth control and education they end up having dramatically less babies.

https://www.washington.edu/news/2020/09/08/how-birth-control-girls-education-can-slow-population-growth/

[Anonymous]

I had PPA and while I was managing fine the mental worry made me really stressed out. It did get better, though and around 18 months I did feel.like I had a much better handle on things.