69, zero assets, social security is not enough

[Anonymous]

Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

[Anonymous]

Why don't the other boomers help their own boomers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

Can you please confirm which law? I know that NJ and a maybe a handful of other states have filial responsibility laws but I’d be curious to know what you are referring to, specifically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you give us some context on your mom’s horrible decisions? Were they on the level of choosing some bad investment funds, or were they on the level of spending all her money on drugs and parties? Or somewhere in between?

Also, it might be hard to understand that a 69 year old woman grew up in a very different world than you did. Girls were treated very differently than they are today, with expectations and opportunities that were greatly reduced from those available to boys at that time. No one was telling girls then that they could be anything they wanted to be, in fact they were presented with very constrained choices.

It’s very possible that your mom never had the greatest self esteem herself. It’s very difficult to help your children to have good self esteem when you don’t really know what it feels like to see value in yourself.

She divorced my dad during his financial rough patch, thinking she would be able to find a guy with more money.
They split everything 50/50 and each went off with several hundred thousand (Midwest, ‘00s dollars) and should have been fine. My dad is doing fine now.

She quit a stable job with great benefits and flexibility with lots of time off because it was just “too much responsibility” just before becoming fully vested in the pension.

She gave a bunch of money to some guy who said he would invest it pay her back with interest, she never saw it again. We found this out years after the fact.

She sold her condo and moved in with a guy, several years later the relationship was done and the condo proceeds were gone.

At every step of the way, was not transparent about any of it in spite of various red flags, nor did she ask any of us for advice even though 2 of my siblings are well versed in financial and legal issues.

Low self esteem or not, I cannot fathom making choices that would doom myself or create an awful situation for my children.

She blames everything on not knowing how to “invest”.
Sigh. That was the least of her problems.

She was not a fantastic parent to any of us but did have her favorites, no coincidence that they have been the most successful. So it wasn’t that she couldn’t do things or show love for anyone, she just did not do them for me.

When you are speaking with your siblings I wouldn’t bring up anything to do with her having favorites. The favorites almost NEVER see that they were the favorites. Focus on your own financial situation and keep reiterating you are not in a financial position to contribute. Keep the details vague. It’s none of their business what your financial situation is and how you spend your money. Say what you can do that doesn’t involve financial help eg getting her on waitlists and just keep repeating that you aren’t in a financial position to help otherwise. Stay strong OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you give us some context on your mom’s horrible decisions? Were they on the level of choosing some bad investment funds, or were they on the level of spending all her money on drugs and parties? Or somewhere in between?

Also, it might be hard to understand that a 69 year old woman grew up in a very different world than you did. Girls were treated very differently than they are today, with expectations and opportunities that were greatly reduced from those available to boys at that time. No one was telling girls then that they could be anything they wanted to be, in fact they were presented with very constrained choices.

It’s very possible that your mom never had the greatest self esteem herself. It’s very difficult to help your children to have good self esteem when you don’t really know what it feels like to see value in yourself.

She divorced my dad during his financial rough patch, thinking she would be able to find a guy with more money.
They split everything 50/50 and each went off with several hundred thousand (Midwest, ‘00s dollars) and should have been fine. My dad is doing fine now.

She quit a stable job with great benefits and flexibility with lots of time off because it was just “too much responsibility” just before becoming fully vested in the pension.

She gave a bunch of money to some guy who said he would invest it pay her back with interest, she never saw it again. We found this out years after the fact.

She sold her condo and moved in with a guy, several years later the relationship was done and the condo proceeds were gone.

At every step of the way, was not transparent about any of it in spite of various red flags, nor did she ask any of us for advice even though 2 of my siblings are well versed in financial and legal issues.

Low self esteem or not, I cannot fathom making choices that would doom myself or create an awful situation for my children.

She blames everything on not knowing how to “invest”.
Sigh. That was the least of her problems.

She was not a fantastic parent to any of us but did have her favorites, no coincidence that they have been the most successful. So it wasn’t that she couldn’t do things or show love for anyone, she just did not do them for me.

When you are speaking with your siblings I wouldn’t bring up anything to do with her having favorites. The favorites almost NEVER see that they were the favorites. Focus on your own financial situation and keep reiterating you are not in a financial position to contribute. Keep the details vague. It’s none of their business what your financial situation is and how you spend your money. Say what you can do that doesn’t involve financial help eg getting her on waitlists and just keep repeating that you aren’t in a financial position to help otherwise. Stay strong OP!

One other thought - do you have details on her income and spending? You could offer to review that as well. People who are bad with money tend to be bad their whole lives. She might be able to make it work with some better budgeting and maybe a cheaper apartment. How much is her SS and pension?

[Anonymous]

Medicare starts at age 65 as do other benefits, state and federal. She is behind. You need to help your mother with this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

Can you please confirm which law? I know that NJ and a maybe a handful of other states have filial responsibility laws but I’d be curious to know what you are referring to, specifically.

f


Only half the states have filial responsibility laws. I know because I'm trying to help parents in california. There are no resources to enforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

wrong. Don't post if you don't know what you are talking about. It's irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you give us some context on your mom’s horrible decisions? Were they on the level of choosing some bad investment funds, or were they on the level of spending all her money on drugs and parties? Or somewhere in between?

Also, it might be hard to understand that a 69 year old woman grew up in a very different world than you did. Girls were treated very differently than they are today, with expectations and opportunities that were greatly reduced from those available to boys at that time. No one was telling girls then that they could be anything they wanted to be, in fact they were presented with very constrained choices.

It’s very possible that your mom never had the greatest self esteem herself. It’s very difficult to help your children to have good self esteem when you don’t really know what it feels like to see value in yourself.

She divorced my dad during his financial rough patch, thinking she would be able to find a guy with more money.
They split everything 50/50 and each went off with several hundred thousand (Midwest, ‘00s dollars) and should have been fine. My dad is doing fine now.

She quit a stable job with great benefits and flexibility with lots of time off because it was just “too much responsibility” just before becoming fully vested in the pension.

She gave a bunch of money to some guy who said he would invest it pay her back with interest, she never saw it again. We found this out years after the fact.

She sold her condo and moved in with a guy, several years later the relationship was done and the condo proceeds were gone.

At every step of the way, was not transparent about any of it in spite of various red flags, nor did she ask any of us for advice even though 2 of my siblings are well versed in financial and legal issues.

Low self esteem or not, I cannot fathom making choices that would doom myself or create an awful situation for my children.

She blames everything on not knowing how to “invest”.
Sigh. That was the least of her problems.

She was not a fantastic parent to any of us but did have her favorites, no coincidence that they have been the most successful. So it wasn’t that she couldn’t do things or show love for anyone, she just did not do them for me.

You made her sound like an addict or sexual abuser, but she was just sort of hapless and you’re jealous of your siblings. Ok, that’s your choice. If you care to maintain a relationship with your siblings don’t mention any of that. Just remind them that you’re a single mom with two kids to put through college and you can’t afford to help. I think PP’s suggestion of taking on one low cost defined bill like the cell at $50/mo would be nice, so you could offer that. But whatever you do just limit the discussion to your finances. And she can’t move in with you because you’re either planning to Airbnb the extra rooms or it’s so tight that you might have to downsize imminently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

wrong. Don't post if you don't know what you are talking about. It's irresponsible.

I don't follow demands from internet strangers on how to flap my gums (or what to type).

[Anonymous]

Check into senior housing.

[Anonymous]

Can she work a job that is easier than retail?

My aunt works as a backup legal secretary at age 78.

MIL is still working for the county at the senior aid office at age 80.

[Anonymous]

You’d mentioned she quit a job right before becoming vested. Can she return to that employer and work a little longer to get that pension?

[Anonymous]

You and siblings need to get her on the waitlists for housing ASAP. And anything else she may qualify for.

Once she gets housing, maybe help get her set up. But, make sure she gets whatever assistance she qualifies for (food, heat, internet, whatever).

I think old people get overwhelmed by applying for these things. You and siblings can help in this way.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs. Government assistance is the way to go for low income seniors. This is what I am busting my butt doing for my 65 y/o mom now. She left my toxic hoarding dad at the beginning of this year and had nowhere to go. Except I made the mistake of having her live with me. Don’t be me - she has added financial and emotional stress to me and DH with 2 young kids.

I helped her apply for food stamps, and got her on the section 8 waitlist application with my disabled brother. Thankfully he was just selected, so it’s only a matter of months before they have their own place. My frustration stems from poor financial decisions and selfishness - relying on my mentally ill dad to be the provider even though he clearly could not support us properly, refusing to work until she had to, and then only in Christian schools with low pay and no pension (she is a religious fanatic), sending money to various ministries instead of saving, and just being entitled in general and enabling family dysfunction.

I feel your pain - hopefully local resources can help your mom so you and your siblings don’t have all the burden.