69, zero assets, social security is not enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

NOPE!!! She pissed away her retirement it appears, thru bad choices, didn't care about her own kids, etc. Now she gets to live with the consequences. I would not upend my life (or my entire immediate family's life) for someone like that

Help her apply for govt aid and be done with it.

NP. You don’t seem like the sort of person to help a beloved family member who made good choices either.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m in the same situation with my dad, who filed for bankruptcy in his mid-70s to discharge a lot of debt. He’s 81 now and been in senior housing since then, so maybe six years? He gets by on SS/Medicare.

I pitch in for emergencies, e.g., when he fell last year and needed to get to the hospital, transfer between hospital and SNF, etc. He announced at Thanksgiving that when he gets older, he has no interest in being in a nursing home and wants to “stay put.” He’s still of sound mind and that’s his decision. I am not compromising my own health, let alone retirement/kids’ college savings for him. Not for my mom, either, though she has a few more assets.

Depending on where he lives, there are services available to him. He should use them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

I've seen Asian kids who cannot wait for their parents to die, because it has wrecked havoc on their lives. Living with controlling, nasty parents is not good for anyone. I've seen it ruin many marriages (then again less hard to ruin when someone is in an arranged marriage, as they (the female typically) is used to being "used and treated as a 2nd class citizen" in many cases)

I don’t value the opinion of someone who uses “wrecked havoc”.

Why?
It's a perfectly descriptive phrase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

I've seen Asian kids who cannot wait for their parents to die, because it has wrecked havoc on their lives. Living with controlling, nasty parents is not good for anyone. I've seen it ruin many marriages (then again less hard to ruin when someone is in an arranged marriage, as they (the female typically) is used to being "used and treated as a 2nd class citizen" in many cases)

I don’t value the opinion of someone who uses “wrecked havoc”.

Why?
It's a perfectly descriptive phrase.

The phrase is "wreaked" havoc not "wrecked"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

I've seen Asian kids who cannot wait for their parents to die, because it has wrecked havoc on their lives. Living with controlling, nasty parents is not good for anyone. I've seen it ruin many marriages (then again less hard to ruin when someone is in an arranged marriage, as they (the female typically) is used to being "used and treated as a 2nd class citizen" in many cases)

I don’t value the opinion of someone who uses “wrecked havoc”.

Why?
It's a perfectly descriptive phrase.

The phrase is "wreaked" havoc not "wrecked"

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, collect the ideas here about government services, etc. Look up phone numbers. Make a sheet.
When sibs call, as they will repeatedly, give each the list.
Say that's it. That's all you can do.
Don't give small amount of money.
Don't waffle or you are drawn in.
No.
No is a complete sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Well, maybe I personally wouldn't be so selfish if my mother hadn't abused me and allowed multiple stepfathers to do so as well -- right in front of her. To the extent that I now have PTSD that literally makes living torture a lot of the time.

Take your ignorant racist fetishization elsewhere.

I do agree that people have this thought as to how Asian cultures deal with these issues and while there are a lot that view it as their duty to do things --- much of the Asian culture is not the same and they do not feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Well, maybe I personally wouldn't be so selfish if my mother hadn't abused me and allowed multiple stepfathers to do so as well -- right in front of her. To the extent that I now have PTSD that literally makes living torture a lot of the time.

Take your ignorant racist fetishization elsewhere.

There are other issues with cultures that priority the elderly at all costs. Think about the wives expected to move in with their husbands family, to become the caretaker for everyone. Is that a value to hold in the highest regard? Not all women want to do that.

For right or for wrong (and one’s views on which it is are entirely opinion, not fact), in America we value independence and generally, self above others. It is capitalism. So there are consequences for that. The same applies for cultures that value others before self. One is not “better” for all people than the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

And which law is that, legally? They vary widely by state. And generally there is no requirement unless you are referring to the 5 year look back period for Medicaid.

Many states have filial support laws but on the whole they are expensive to enforce and generally only used when a long term care provider discovers you were hiding / obscuring money. Then they’ll pursue you in court to get their bad debt paid off. If there’s nothing to begin with the government is going to sue you to compel you to pay a parent’s rent. In fact, some states have NEVER enforced them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

This is only true if you live in a filial responsibility state-- and even then, the obligation varies from state to state. Abandonment is the wrong word- if child says they absolutely do not want to any help whatsoever an elderly parent, there is likely a good reason.

https://trustandwill.com/learn/what-states-have-filial-responsibility?srsltid=AfmBOoovZXzFLmwPCCpwXfJwswtNBq71lqXDEmZBku15Ph2ETnOwGjVP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

And which law is that, legally? They vary widely by state. And generally there is no requirement unless you are referring to the 5 year look back period for Medicaid.

Many states have filial support laws but on the whole they are expensive to enforce and generally only used when a long term care provider discovers you were hiding / obscuring money. Then they’ll pursue you in court to get their bad debt paid off. If there’s nothing to begin with the government is going to sue you to compel you to pay a parent’s rent. In fact, some states have NEVER enforced them.

+1

For the pps that are so confident- please share links to cases of filial support laws being successfully prosecuted that didn’t entail a previous significant transfer of funds from a parent to an adult child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

HEY HEY HEY! I’m not the OP but feel a need to chime in here
CUT IT OUT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on where you live, you may not ever see your mom get to the top of a Section 8 voucher/housing list.

She is single (albeit elderly) and without kids.

We've been trying to get housing for my elderly brother for more than 8 years. They won't even accept his application(s) because the priority for housing is for those who have minor children. This includes young couples and those who have recently arrived in the US.

I think it is awful that people in their 70s have zero options for housing assistance.

This country is going to see more and more sick, disabled elderly people living on the streets. There are many of them doing this already who try to maintain a veneer of normalcy by hanging out in stores or fast food restaurants most of the day. Then sleep in their cars, if they are still lucky enough to have one.

I guess the good news is the elderly will die more quickly that way which is probably a good thing as far as many in younger generations are concerned.

As evidenced in this thread, many people want nothing to do with their own parents' elder care.

Or, apparently, their elderly siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Yeah…it’s all fallling apart in Asia because the birth rates are non existent. You are describing an Asia from 30 years ago…not today.

Also, the eldest kid is responsible for everything and the younger siblings get off with doing nothing.

Of course, if you only have one kid…and marriage rates are plummeting…and those couples barely have 1 kid…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

HEY HEY HEY! I’m not the OP but feel a need to chime in here
CUT IT OUT.

No