69, zero assets, social security is not enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on where you live, you may not ever see your mom get to the top of a Section 8 voucher/housing list.

She is single (albeit elderly) and without kids.

We've been trying to get housing for my elderly brother for more than 8 years. They won't even accept his application(s) because the priority for housing is for those who have minor children. This includes young couples and those who have recently arrived in the US.

I think it is awful that people in their 70s have zero options for housing assistance.

This country is going to see more and more sick, disabled elderly people living on the streets. There are many of them doing this already who try to maintain a veneer of normalcy by hanging out in stores or fast food restaurants most of the day. Then sleep in their cars, if they are still lucky enough to have one.

I guess the good news is the elderly will die more quickly that way which is probably a good thing as far as many in younger generations are concerned.

As evidenced in this thread, many people want nothing to do with their own parents' elder care.

Or, apparently, their elderly siblings.

Good of her to try to help her sibling. If some adult children don’t feel responsibility to help parents given whatever reason, imagine the rate of siblings who don’t. Maybe she is helping monetarily while waiting for housing to come through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:that is very sad. Are there subsidized apartments or senior communities where she could get on the waitlists? or would it save money to get a 2br with a roommate?

Does she qualify for Extra Help/QMB/SLMB so Medicaid will pay her Medicare premiums (different states have different rules; her state's SHIP will be able to advise). Does she qualify for SNAP or the Commodity Supplemental Food Program?

She may also want to make an appointment to go to SSA and make sure they have calculated her benefits properly factoring in her recent work, and see if she also qualifies for SSI (she'd have to have a low enough income and under $2000 in countable assets).

I hope you haunt this forum because these are great suggestions, really great. Lots of folks need this level of precision when trying to assist their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

That wasn't my takeaway when watching "The Ballad of Narayama"....

[Anonymous]

lmao where are all you "wait until you're old! you childfree people will have no one to take care of you!" people now?

see, even if you have kids, there's no guarantee that they'll care for you when you're older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really don’t want to help her, and there’s no way I can help her without causing stress on my family and myself. I am a single mom about to put 2 kids through college and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I absolutely do not want her living with me. I am carefully planning for my own retirement. I had to overcome a lot to get where I am. My mom contributed greatly to my low self esteem and other issues that made things very hard for me and I really don’t feel love there as I do for other family members. I just need to prepare myself for having to say no when I am asked to contribute money or whatever.

Ideally your siblings will be understanding. Perhaps, as someone else suggested, you could take on a small, discrete monthly bill, so you are making some contribution with your siblings in mind.

Look, I have more money than all my siblings combined, but at the time when we were facing this with our parents that was not the case, though we still had more. I generally took on a lot of responsibilities, but I did not live locally. When our mom had to make the move to memory care, my siblings kinda dragged their feet on cleaning out the house and getting it ready to sell. I was not able to come to town to handle due to an immediate family health crisis. I did make it clear to my siblings I was not going to take on the entire burden simply because they were not taking the steps to get the house sold as directed by the broker I found to handle it. They didn't have the money to split the monthly bill for more than a few months, so they got the job done.

I think they appreciated that I paid more as I had more and I appreciated that they didn't stick me with everything. And FWIW, our mother had a BPD and it was complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on where you live, you may not ever see your mom get to the top of a Section 8 voucher/housing list.

She is single (albeit elderly) and without kids.

We've been trying to get housing for my elderly brother for more than 8 years. They won't even accept his application(s) because the priority for housing is for those who have minor children. This includes young couples and those who have recently arrived in the US.

I think it is awful that people in their 70s have zero options for housing assistance.

This country is going to see more and more sick, disabled elderly people living on the streets. There are many of them doing this already who try to maintain a veneer of normalcy by hanging out in stores or fast food restaurants most of the day. Then sleep in their cars, if they are still lucky enough to have one.

I guess the good news is the elderly will die more quickly that way which is probably a good thing as far as many in younger generations are concerned.

As evidenced in this thread, many people want nothing to do with their own parents' elder care.

Or, apparently, their elderly siblings.

PP, what do you mean by that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp mentioned buying a condo for her dad. My sister bought a house for my parents when they downsized — she is making money on it as it appreciates and my parents cover their other expenses with social security and their small pension.

Does not sound like OP, a single mom with kids on the verge of college, has access to those kinds of liquid assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you give us some context on your mom’s horrible decisions? Were they on the level of choosing some bad investment funds, or were they on the level of spending all her money on drugs and parties? Or somewhere in between?

Also, it might be hard to understand that a 69 year old woman grew up in a very different world than you did. Girls were treated very differently than they are today, with expectations and opportunities that were greatly reduced from those available to boys at that time. No one was telling girls then that they could be anything they wanted to be, in fact they were presented with very constrained choices.

It’s very possible that your mom never had the greatest self esteem herself. It’s very difficult to help your children to have good self esteem when you don’t really know what it feels like to see value in yourself.

She divorced my dad during his financial rough patch, thinking she would be able to find a guy with more money.
They split everything 50/50 and each went off with several hundred thousand (Midwest, ‘00s dollars) and should have been fine. My dad is doing fine now.

She quit a stable job with great benefits and flexibility with lots of time off because it was just “too much responsibility” just before becoming fully vested in the pension.

She gave a bunch of money to some guy who said he would invest it pay her back with interest, she never saw it again. We found this out years after the fact.

She sold her condo and moved in with a guy, several years later the relationship was done and the condo proceeds were gone.

At every step of the way, was not transparent about any of it in spite of various red flags, nor did she ask any of us for advice even though 2 of my siblings are well versed in financial and legal issues.

Low self esteem or not, I cannot fathom making choices that would doom myself or create an awful situation for my children.

She blames everything on not knowing how to “invest”.
Sigh. That was the least of her problems.

She was not a fantastic parent to any of us but did have her favorites, no coincidence that they have been the most successful. So it wasn’t that she couldn’t do things or show love for anyone, she just did not do them for me.

You made her sound like an addict or sexual abuser, but she was just sort of hapless and you’re jealous of your siblings. Ok, that’s your choice. If you care to maintain a relationship with your siblings don’t mention any of that. Just remind them that you’re a single mom with two kids to put through college and you can’t afford to help. I think PP’s suggestion of taking on one low cost defined bill like the cell at $50/mo would be nice, so you could offer that. But whatever you do just limit the discussion to your finances. And she can’t move in with you because you’re either planning to Airbnb the extra rooms or it’s so tight that you might have to downsize imminently.

Takes a lot of hubris to leave one's pension on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No. OP said there is a history there. Kids don't ask to be born so they don't owe anything to their parents for birthing them. If the parents treated them well, raised them correctly, then the kids will pick up the slack. Obviously this mother did not do that and the consequence is her kids don't want to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

wrong. Don't post if you don't know what you are talking about. It's irresponsible.

You might want to actually familiarize yourself with family law before you open your yap. It’s state specific, but in many states, PP is 100% correct. Google “filial responsibility laws” and you’ll look less foolish.

Federal law prohibits states from considering the financial responsibility of any person other than a spouse when determining eligibility for needs-based government programs like Medicaid. Finial responsibility is RARELY enforced because of Federal laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We bought my alcoholic, broke father a condo in a senior retirement village and furnished it with Salvation Army furniture.

He was able to pay the maintenance and groceries and utilities.

When he died we sold it at a profit.

This is the sound answer.
Don’t give her money. Purchase a small place as an investment and let her live in it. Then she uses her money for essentials like utilities and phone and groceries.
Once she passes, you sell the property

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp mentioned buying a condo for her dad. My sister bought a house for my parents when they downsized — she is making money on it as it appreciates and my parents cover their other expenses with social security and their small pension.

Does not sound like OP, a single mom with kids on the verge of college, has access to those kinds of liquid assets.

Okay then point mom to state social worker office on aging and get her a case worker and be done I guess.

[Anonymous]

Repukes have told you no social security and Medicare is gone too

Maga loves the ACA hates Obama care who is going to tell the idiots..,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Well, maybe I personally wouldn't be so selfish if my mother hadn't abused me and allowed multiple stepfathers to do so as well -- right in front of her. To the extent that I now have PTSD that literally makes living torture a lot of the time.

Take your ignorant racist fetishization elsewhere.

You don't need to help her, OP. I would start with therapy if you haven't already, as these are complicated feelings, but you have no ethical or moral obligation to maintain any contact with her.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read this whole thread, but are you the only single parent amongst your siblings? If so, I might make that comment and leave it there. That's a lot of responsibility on your shoulders and nobody knows what the future will bring, or when you may need that money. Maybe you don't have to get into your childhood/relationship with your mom.