69, zero assets, social security is not enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Well, maybe I personally wouldn't be so selfish if my mother hadn't abused me and allowed multiple stepfathers to do so as well -- right in front of her. To the extent that I now have PTSD that literally makes living torture a lot of the time.

Take your ignorant racist fetishization elsewhere.

Not OP ^^. Should have mentioned that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Asian cultures also have parents and grandparents who cherish their children and prioritize their children’s educations and see to their success. Grandparents helping their grown children raise their children.

What is selfish is being a horrible parent to your children and then expecting them to take care of you in old age.

[Anonymous]

What do your siblings feel about the situation?

Your mom didn't have good planning and problem solving skills in the past so she is unlikely to develop better ones now.

Even at this late stage there are probably choices she could be making - move to a lower cost of living area? Move into a group housing situation and rent a room? - but she'd have to make that choice to do so.

If all you siblings chip in could you buy her a studio apartment condo?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really don’t want to help her, and there’s no way I can help her without causing stress on my family and myself. I am a single mom about to put 2 kids through college and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I absolutely do not want her living with me. I am carefully planning for my own retirement. I had to overcome a lot to get where I am. My mom contributed greatly to my low self esteem and other issues that made things very hard for me and I really don’t feel love there as I do for other family members. I just need to prepare myself for having to say no when I am asked to contribute money or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Our government should do more for old people in need.

No, PP. YOU should do more for old people in need.

[Anonymous]

You really aren't going to get wording to help you. Many of us have had to help parents who weren't good parents.

Also, if your siblings are similarly situated economically to you and say yes to helping and you say no to helping, you likely will lose those relationships.

At the very least, I would find out as much as you can about government help for elderly who have no money. Offer that up at the meeting with your siblings and say unfortunately you do not have the time or money to help your mother. Do not play the I have low esteem because of Mom card. They all probably feel similarly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Our government should do more for old people in need.

No, PP. YOU should do more for old people in need.

We the people who pay taxes should expect that the tax money will care for old people and poor people in our country not funneled to billionaires like Elon Musk and his stupid rocket ships.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine, similar situation, is in a shared room at a nursing home, she doesn’t love it but can afford it, I feel bad for her but she’s doing fine. Might come down to something like this, if she can’t pay she’s the nursing homes problem….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Nope nope nope nope. We are under NO obligation to take in abusive or neglectful parents. You should go see just how rosy life is in those cultures where the elders move in with the younger family members and still call all the shots. I'm sure the daughters in law hate it just as much as we do but they get beaten if they say anything negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really aren't going to get wording to help you. Many of us have had to help parents who weren't good parents.

Also, if your siblings are similarly situated economically to you and say yes to helping and you say no to helping, you likely will lose those relationships.

At the very least, I would find out as much as you can about government help for elderly who have no money. Offer that up at the meeting with your siblings and say unfortunately you do not have the time or money to help your mother. Do not play the I have low esteem because of Mom card. They all probably feel similarly.

By what do you mean “had to”?

Why do I owe her in particular when there are many less privileged older people out there who find themselves in a similar situation but due to circumstances outside of their control, rather than bad decisions? I mean my mom is white and grew up UMC, but never developed a sense of responsibility to plan or take care of herself. Her divorce plan was to find a rich guy to take care of her but that didn’t pan out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Our government should do more for old people in need.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Asian cultures also have parents and grandparents who cherish their children and prioritize their children’s educations and see to their success. Grandparents helping their grown children raise their children.

What is selfish is being a horrible parent to your children and then expecting them to take care of you in old age.

I am 100% behind you OP. I don't know why people put these cultures on a pedestal. Those wives who have to care for children, assh*le inlaws, the lazy uncle, etc. aren't happy. They're forced to do so because of their society's expectations. Even in western cultures not long ago, it was expected for one of the daughters to give up her life to care for their parents. And no one changed the rules because they needed to be likewise supported when they were old.

The modern world is so different, it's ridiculous to apply such old fashioned traditions to the current state of things.

[Anonymous]

I'd start collecting ideas like those you're doing
here and do some advance research. Have at least part of your conversation with your siblings be about finding those resources or approaches that might work best for her, eg state and county resources, finding a roommate, all of you going in on a condo together for her, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

That’s so judgmental. Why speak when you don’t know all the details?

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Our government should do more for old people in need.

Another pathology: Foisting our responsibilities off on "the government".

How many old people without homes have you taken into your home?

You’ve taken in zero.

Do you donate to organization that help those people?

You’ve donated zero.

So what were you saying again?