Wife and I have dramatically different opinions about how much financial help should be given to adult kids

[Anonymous]

If they’re your bio kids (or adopted together as a couple) then 1.

If it’s a second marriage and they’re your step kids, none of them. The only thing could be if you’re married and the marriage affects their ability to get financial help when they could qualify otherwise. If that case, you should do 1 so they get a college degree.

Definitely not 2 or 3 for step kids and generally not for bio kids either unless you’re very wealthy and they really deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Your kids get your money either way - either you help pay for stuff while you’re alive, or they get it when you die.

So your options are to give them the money once they’re in their 50s and their own kids are grown and they don’t really need it, or to give it to them in their 20s/30s when they have school and small kids.

My parents opted to give me money for things like daycare, house, etc in my 30s with the understanding that I’m not going to get anything when they pass away. Which I’m fine with, and it’s helped me out a TON.

But you need to have those conversations and make sure they understand the choice they’re making - you don’t want them to get used to handouts and then be left broke when you die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids get your money either way - either you help pay for stuff while you’re alive, or they get it when you die.

So your options are to give them the money once they’re in their 50s and their own kids are grown and they don’t really need it, or to give it to them in their 20s/30s when they have school and small kids.

My parents opted to give me money for things like daycare, house, etc in my 30s with the understanding that I’m not going to get anything when they pass away. Which I’m fine with, and it’s helped me out a TON.

But you need to have those conversations and make sure they understand the choice they’re making - you don’t want them to get used to handouts and then be left broke when you die.

Your last paragraph is where so many people have the biggest challenges. Just look at all of the posts complaining about how little help their parents offer and how many people expect older people to sell their homes and go away. It’s a very slippery slope to provide help without creating entitlement and and unrealistic lifestyle expectations.

[Anonymous]

Harsh on the Step kids here.

I am hoping to be able to cover all of 1 and will help with downpayment on homes most likely. I have three kids, so will be a bit of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids get your money either way - either you help pay for stuff while you’re alive, or they get it when you die.

So your options are to give them the money once they’re in their 50s and their own kids are grown and they don’t really need it, or to give it to them in their 20s/30s when they have school and small kids.

My parents opted to give me money for things like daycare, house, etc in my 30s with the understanding that I’m not going to get anything when they pass away. Which I’m fine with, and it’s helped me out a TON.

But you need to have those conversations and make sure they understand the choice they’re making - you don’t want them to get used to handouts and then be left broke when you die.

Your last paragraph is where so many people have the biggest challenges. Just look at all of the posts complaining about how little help their parents offer and how many people expect older people to sell their homes and go away. It’s a very slippery slope to provide help without creating entitlement and and unrealistic lifestyle expectations.

PP. Absolutely, there needs to be multiple conversations about it. I have a sibling who IS the type that will take the handouts and then throw a fit when she doesn’t inherit anything. So parents have decided to give her far less money now but make up for it by watching her kids more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which of the following do you think are appropriate things for a spouse to expect their spouse to pay for their kids?

1. college
2. grad school
3. down payment for a new house

I would ideally do all - 3. If needed.
I think it’s dysfunctional and bizarre to bring people into the world and then peace out on helping launch them financially as best as they are able, and if you can’t afford to help them with college then a. Maybe don’t have them and b. Certainly don’t have a sah parent or multiple kids

All these people want their kids finances to be someone else’s problem it’s so toxic

[Anonymous]

Give context OP
if you make over $150,000 pay for college if you make over $300,000 help pay for grad school if you make over $1 million help pay for a house if you’re blended marriage pay for your own kids
what’s the answer you’re looking for OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which of the following do you think are appropriate things for a spouse to expect their spouse to pay for their kids?

1. college
2. grad school
3. down payment for a new house

Why not see few financial advisors and figure out what you can afford to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ideally 1, if possible.

If you have enough extra money for it, then 2.

If you have gobs of money, then 3.

I’m here. My only caveat is this. I have a kid with mental health issues. If he can’t adult, I may pay some housing expenses so he doesn’t end up on the street.

[Anonymous]

If you've enough money, why wouldn't you try to help them build a better life? If you don't have extra money, why wouldn't y'all you want to jeopardize your retirement?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s wrong to pony up and pay for stepkids when you have bio kids and contribute nothing. My ex is paying his wife’s kids college tuition and gifted them new cars, while not throwing a penny at his own kids. Disgusting.
However, they are succeeding anyway.

[Anonymous]

I have enough money to do all 3 if I want. Will definitely do #1. #2 as long as grad school is a real professional choice and not just a way to defer reality (which I saw a lot in my own grad school program). #3 as long as my kids show themselves to be financially responsible.

They will get it when I die anyway so I’d rather see them enjoy it - by the time I inherited money I had already spent so much time busting my ass making my own that it didn’t make a difference, but it would have been really nice to have gotten the bigger house when my kids were younger and we couldn’t afford it yet. That said, they have to prove themselves responsible people to get it. As the saying goes, I aspire to give my kids enough to do anything, but not enough to do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

<eyeroll> When you are against supporting your children, you are going to pick at any outcome and say it supports your position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which of the following do you think are appropriate things for a spouse to expect their spouse to pay for their kids?

1. college
2. grad school
3. down payment for a new house

We can afford all of this and will help our kids to the fullest extent. And all our assets will go to them eventually, so we believe in helping when it’s most needed.

[Anonymous]

Certainly 1. Grad school if it is a good future investment. House help maybe if they are financially responsible and it is a good investment. But it isn't just about being able to help without touching retirement. I would hesitate on over-subsidizing adult kids because you don't know what kind of elder care you or your spouse might need over and above regular retirement income. Full on memory care for Alzheimer's is extremely expensive and could last for years. I'd rather my children be assured that we have the resources to cover any elder care situation so that worry will never be on them. I also believe in targeting the adult-child subsidy---funding 529s for educating grandkids, e.g. Or help with starting a business. There has to be a purpose ---not interested in infantilizing grown adults to live beyond their means.