Any moms give up big careers?

[Anonymous]

I left teaching to stay at home as soon as my first child was born. I wish I could say it was a hard decision but it was not. DH makes enough to keep us in a decent suburban house, keep us debt-free, fund the kids’ 529 accounts, and our retirement well funded. My youngest is now in 11th grade and I’m just working part time now for some vacation fun money.

I don’t want to turn this into the “raise your own children” thread but you just have to assess your own talents and where they are well utilized. I was raised by my grandmother who was an incredible cook, gardener and seamstress. Now I couldn’t care less about garment sewing, but the rest of it rubbed off, so I’m like Martha Stewart with advanced degrees in education and childhood development. There was no way in hell I was outsourcing my child rearing.

Many of my friends don’t even know where their kitchen is, but make good money professionally, and that’s OK too.

Just play to your strengths, and make the decision as a married couple with your spouse, so you’re all on the same page. It’s a life-long decision in terms of financial impact, so you have to do it as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make?

280k

That’s …. Not a whole lot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left teaching to stay at home as soon as my first child was born. I wish I could say it was a hard decision but it was not. DH makes enough to keep us in a decent suburban house, keep us debt-free, fund the kids’ 529 accounts, and our retirement well funded. My youngest is now in 11th grade and I’m just working part time now for some vacation fun money.

I don’t want to turn this into the “raise your own children” thread but you just have to assess your own talents and where they are well utilized. I was raised by my grandmother who was an incredible cook, gardener and seamstress. Now I couldn’t care less about garment sewing, but the rest of it rubbed off, so I’m like Martha Stewart with advanced degrees in education and childhood development. There was no way in hell I was outsourcing my child rearing.

Many of my friends don’t even know where their kitchen is, but make good money professionally, and that’s OK too.

Just play to your strengths, and make the decision as a married couple with your spouse, so you’re all on the same page. It’s a life-long decision in terms of financial impact, so you have to do it as a couple.

Not to be mean but a teaching job is not what people would consider a big career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left teaching to stay at home as soon as my first child was born. I wish I could say it was a hard decision but it was not. DH makes enough to keep us in a decent suburban house, keep us debt-free, fund the kids’ 529 accounts, and our retirement well funded. My youngest is now in 11th grade and I’m just working part time now for some vacation fun money.

I don’t want to turn this into the “raise your own children” thread but you just have to assess your own talents and where they are well utilized. I was raised by my grandmother who was an incredible cook, gardener and seamstress. Now I couldn’t care less about garment sewing, but the rest of it rubbed off, so I’m like Martha Stewart with advanced degrees in education and childhood development. There was no way in hell I was outsourcing my child rearing.

Many of my friends don’t even know where their kitchen is, but make good money professionally, and that’s OK too.

Just play to your strengths, and make the decision as a married couple with your spouse, so you’re all on the same page. It’s a life-long decision in terms of financial impact, so you have to do it as a couple.

Not to be mean but a teaching job is not what people would consider a big career.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left teaching to stay at home as soon as my first child was born. I wish I could say it was a hard decision but it was not. DH makes enough to keep us in a decent suburban house, keep us debt-free, fund the kids’ 529 accounts, and our retirement well funded. My youngest is now in 11th grade and I’m just working part time now for some vacation fun money.

I don’t want to turn this into the “raise your own children” thread but you just have to assess your own talents and where they are well utilized. I was raised by my grandmother who was an incredible cook, gardener and seamstress. Now I couldn’t care less about garment sewing, but the rest of it rubbed off, so I’m like Martha Stewart with advanced degrees in education and childhood development. There was no way in hell I was outsourcing my child rearing.

Many of my friends don’t even know where their kitchen is, but make good money professionally, and that’s OK too.

Just play to your strengths, and make the decision as a married couple with your spouse, so you’re all on the same page. It’s a life-long decision in terms of financial impact, so you have to do it as a couple.

Not to be mean but a teaching job is not what people would consider a big career.

No worries. I understand your point and certainly don't take it as mean, but I was moving up quickly into administration, and am not boasting to say that I'd have certainly made it into a fairly high administration position by now, with my aptitudes and education. There were also a lot of tangential career options for which I'd have been well suited, such as curriculum development and/or going back into academia.

The point being, if I hadn't pulled the career ejection seat handle, I'd have easily have been in a salary range over the 95th percentile of US earners. Combined with a spouse who is a few % higher than that, and it would have been a much more "luxurious" lifestyle. But I also had the Martha Stewart thing going on, and decided to leverage that. My upbringing, education and skill sets were sort of optimized for staying at home full time, so I went with it.

This is a cost/benefit analysis that my spouse I made in our late 20s, and I don't begrudge anyone who plays to their particular strengths. You just have to realize that, once you go down that path for a few years, you can't roll back time. Your kids will only be young once, and you will only once have the the youthful energy of your 20s and 30s to pour into a full-time career.

[Anonymous]

Every mom I know who walked away relishes the choice and would make it again. The money comes and goes but time with the kiddos is irreplaceable.

The question is what would you do with the extra money that would be better than time with the children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left teaching to stay at home as soon as my first child was born. I wish I could say it was a hard decision but it was not. DH makes enough to keep us in a decent suburban house, keep us debt-free, fund the kids’ 529 accounts, and our retirement well funded. My youngest is now in 11th grade and I’m just working part time now for some vacation fun money.

I don’t want to turn this into the “raise your own children” thread but you just have to assess your own talents and where they are well utilized. I was raised by my grandmother who was an incredible cook, gardener and seamstress. Now I couldn’t care less about garment sewing, but the rest of it rubbed off, so I’m like Martha Stewart with advanced degrees in education and childhood development. There was no way in hell I was outsourcing my child rearing.

Many of my friends don’t even know where their kitchen is, but make good money professionally, and that’s OK too.

Just play to your strengths, and make the decision as a married couple with your spouse, so you’re all on the same page. It’s a life-long decision in terms of financial impact, so you have to do it as a couple.

Not to be mean but a teaching job is not what people would consider a big career.

DP.

I’m a teacher and I do consider it a big career. I’ve been focusing on growing in my profession for 20 years, and I’ve made a very successful and meaningful career out of it. I am well aware that I make a valuable contribution to this society.

From the many of us who devote our nights and weekends to properly educating your children (while you take every opportunity to insult us):

You’re welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left teaching to stay at home as soon as my first child was born. I wish I could say it was a hard decision but it was not. DH makes enough to keep us in a decent suburban house, keep us debt-free, fund the kids’ 529 accounts, and our retirement well funded. My youngest is now in 11th grade and I’m just working part time now for some vacation fun money.

I don’t want to turn this into the “raise your own children” thread but you just have to assess your own talents and where they are well utilized. I was raised by my grandmother who was an incredible cook, gardener and seamstress. Now I couldn’t care less about garment sewing, but the rest of it rubbed off, so I’m like Martha Stewart with advanced degrees in education and childhood development. There was no way in hell I was outsourcing my child rearing.

Many of my friends don’t even know where their kitchen is, but make good money professionally, and that’s OK too.

Just play to your strengths, and make the decision as a married couple with your spouse, so you’re all on the same page. It’s a life-long decision in terms of financial impact, so you have to do it as a couple.

Not to be mean but a teaching job is not what people would consider a big career.

DP.

I’m a teacher and I do consider it a big career. I’ve been focusing on growing in my profession for 20 years, and I’ve made a very successful and meaningful career out of it. I am well aware that I make a valuable contribution to this society.

From the many of us who devote our nights and weekends to properly educating your children (while you take every opportunity to insult us):

You’re welcome.

I’m a DP and I would not have phrased the PP comment that way, but I think the point is that if you would need to pay someone else close to your salary for childcare, then it’s an easier choice to give up work. For those of us who could be earning 200+ (or whatever the definition of big salary is) then the decision process is quite different. And probably harder as the money goes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bailed out when my DD was still pretty little. It caused be a lot of heartache and I’ll admit that I felt huge envy and jealousy when peers’ careers zoomed forward and I was standing at the kitchen counter washing the same water bottle for the millionth time that week. And just after the pandemic, when friends started upgrading not-quite starter homes to crazy $4m palaces, I nearly had a breakdown as we all fought for space in our tight house (in an amazing neighborhood).

However, staying home started to pay off. DH got promoted quickly at work because he was able to go all-in for a few years- flying to Asia at a moments’ notice, serving on special advisory committees, getting pulled onto special projects. It sucked to watch because we essentially had the same careers and some things I could have done better. But our DD was able to stay in a really demanding a fulfilling activity as her peers dropped out due to the challenge of getting rides and the cost. I was able to have long-postponed surgeries and medical treatment for chronic conditions probably triggered by work stress. I nursed our elderly dog through a prolonged decline and had the time to take on a new rescue later.

And like another PP, all of this aligned with a very favorable market which is allowing us to move to the kind of house that our 2-career peers are in. So the end result is essentially the same in many ways, and better in others.

So yeah, I took it on the chin and I know people look down on me, but it worked out and my kid’s life really benefited from having a flexible parent and another parent who could focus on just work + being there for her.

It’s a gamble, like everything else. Just know that you’ll have to absorb some nasty comments. And I don’t mean online. People express their insecurities or prejudice through their “innocent questions” and you’ll find out who is your real friend and who were just colleagues/mom friends/professional school acquaintances.

To each her own. And I applaud PP for sacrificing her career and being at peace with the present.

The path above would’ve killed me, regardless of my potential house size. Knowing my spouse and I were peers and I had to stop and he excelled?

I do not mean this with any harshness. Anyone who takes the above path ought to have an excellent life insurance policy on the earning spouse and an excellent post nup. Life is different for all of us and we have to live it.

This is a very weird sentiment. My DH earned less than I did when we got married, but his career has really taken off and he earns multiples of what I earn. I still earn a good amount ($250k) but I have intentionally leaned out and sought promotions at a much slower pace than I otherwise would have. I am super proud of him!

What would *actually* kill me is just being known as the driver and servant of my kids. Which I mean, I kind of *am*, that, but at least it’s not my only identity! So many SAHMs - their kids are their only identity and topic of conversation. I don’t think that’s healthy for a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bailed out when my DD was still pretty little. It caused be a lot of heartache and I’ll admit that I felt huge envy and jealousy when peers’ careers zoomed forward and I was standing at the kitchen counter washing the same water bottle for the millionth time that week. And just after the pandemic, when friends started upgrading not-quite starter homes to crazy $4m palaces, I nearly had a breakdown as we all fought for space in our tight house (in an amazing neighborhood).

However, staying home started to pay off. DH got promoted quickly at work because he was able to go all-in for a few years- flying to Asia at a moments’ notice, serving on special advisory committees, getting pulled onto special projects. It sucked to watch because we essentially had the same careers and some things I could have done better. But our DD was able to stay in a really demanding a fulfilling activity as her peers dropped out due to the challenge of getting rides and the cost. I was able to have long-postponed surgeries and medical treatment for chronic conditions probably triggered by work stress. I nursed our elderly dog through a prolonged decline and had the time to take on a new rescue later.

And like another PP, all of this aligned with a very favorable market which is allowing us to move to the kind of house that our 2-career peers are in. So the end result is essentially the same in many ways, and better in others.

So yeah, I took it on the chin and I know people look down on me, but it worked out and my kid’s life really benefited from having a flexible parent and another parent who could focus on just work + being there for her.

It’s a gamble, like everything else. Just know that you’ll have to absorb some nasty comments. And I don’t mean online. People express their insecurities or prejudice through their “innocent questions” and you’ll find out who is your real friend and who were just colleagues/mom friends/professional school acquaintances.

To each her own. And I applaud PP for sacrificing her career and being at peace with the present.

The path above would’ve killed me, regardless of my potential house size. Knowing my spouse and I were peers and I had to stop and he excelled?

I do not mean this with any harshness. Anyone who takes the above path ought to have an excellent life insurance policy on the earning spouse and an excellent post nup. Life is different for all of us and we have to live it.

This is a very weird sentiment. My DH earned less than I did when we got married, but his career has really taken off and he earns multiples of what I earn. I still earn a good amount ($250k) but I have intentionally leaned out and sought promotions at a much slower pace than I otherwise would have. I am super proud of him!

What would *actually* kill me is just being known as the driver and servant of my kids. Which I mean, I kind of *am*, that, but at least it’s not my only identity! So many SAHMs - their kids are their only identity and topic of conversation. I don’t think that’s healthy for a woman.

Can I ask what careers you both have, that 250k is leaning out and DH earns multiples of that? Law?

[Anonymous]

I have never been a SAHM but I’ve made a ton of trade-offs, including very strategic selection of my job, refusing to apply for promotions when asked by my manager and lots of saying no even to people more important to me. I make a little over $100k and work about 30 hours a week. I consider this a trade off I am happy with for my family (I have multiple children one of whom has SN). My husband has what most people would consider a big job based on his title and earns about $350k. He works crazy hours at some times and normal hours during others and is terrible with boundaries. I would be incredibly unhappy seeing my kids as little as he does sometimes even if they were with a loving caretaker. I wish he would make a greater attempt to work more normal hours even if it meant a lower salary and that honestly seems possible- he’s had jobs in the past where he earned pretty similar salaries but had much more regular hours. The idea of letting a pay cut keep you from a better life (assuming you can still pay your essential bills) is insane to me. If you were happy that’s one thing but seriously if the extra money is just buying luxury items can’t you give yourself the luxury of a happier life and more time with your kids?

[Anonymous]

One for closes, another opens. I'm a developer and was going to be the lead developer on a city block in DC to build mixed use, retail, market rate and affordable housing. My family asked me not to. I would be too busy on this project. Never see my kids.

Fast forward 8 years and were expanding internationally. Essentially doing the same project in another country. Kids grew up and are thrilled to visit/live in a new place. You never know. Family first, always

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bailed out when my DD was still pretty little. It caused be a lot of heartache and I’ll admit that I felt huge envy and jealousy when peers’ careers zoomed forward and I was standing at the kitchen counter washing the same water bottle for the millionth time that week. And just after the pandemic, when friends started upgrading not-quite starter homes to crazy $4m palaces, I nearly had a breakdown as we all fought for space in our tight house (in an amazing neighborhood).

However, staying home started to pay off. DH got promoted quickly at work because he was able to go all-in for a few years- flying to Asia at a moments’ notice, serving on special advisory committees, getting pulled onto special projects. It sucked to watch because we essentially had the same careers and some things I could have done better. But our DD was able to stay in a really demanding a fulfilling activity as her peers dropped out due to the challenge of getting rides and the cost. I was able to have long-postponed surgeries and medical treatment for chronic conditions probably triggered by work stress. I nursed our elderly dog through a prolonged decline and had the time to take on a new rescue later.

And like another PP, all of this aligned with a very favorable market which is allowing us to move to the kind of house that our 2-career peers are in. So the end result is essentially the same in many ways, and better in others.

So yeah, I took it on the chin and I know people look down on me, but it worked out and my kid’s life really benefited from having a flexible parent and another parent who could focus on just work + being there for her.

It’s a gamble, like everything else. Just know that you’ll have to absorb some nasty comments. And I don’t mean online. People express their insecurities or prejudice through their “innocent questions” and you’ll find out who is your real friend and who were just colleagues/mom friends/professional school acquaintances.

To each her own. And I applaud PP for sacrificing her career and being at peace with the present.

The path above would’ve killed me, regardless of my potential house size. Knowing my spouse and I were peers and I had to stop and he excelled?

I do not mean this with any harshness. Anyone who takes the above path ought to have an excellent life insurance policy on the earning spouse and an excellent post nup. Life is different for all of us and we have to live it.

This is a very weird sentiment. My DH earned less than I did when we got married, but his career has really taken off and he earns multiples of what I earn. I still earn a good amount ($250k) but I have intentionally leaned out and sought promotions at a much slower pace than I otherwise would have. I am super proud of him!

What would *actually* kill me is just being known as the driver and servant of my kids. Which I mean, I kind of *am*, that, but at least it’s not my only identity! So many SAHMs - their kids are their only identity and topic of conversation. I don’t think that’s healthy for a woman.

Your kids are only little for a short period of time. During the teen years, they need you more than ever. My middle school child seems to need me the most. My high school teen still needs me for guidance.

I have been a SAHM for almost 8 years. My youngest is now 7. I plan to go back to work. I will never regret these years home with my children. DH earns a seven figure income and we don’t need my income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left teaching to stay at home as soon as my first child was born. I wish I could say it was a hard decision but it was not. DH makes enough to keep us in a decent suburban house, keep us debt-free, fund the kids’ 529 accounts, and our retirement well funded. My youngest is now in 11th grade and I’m just working part time now for some vacation fun money.

I don’t want to turn this into the “raise your own children” thread but you just have to assess your own talents and where they are well utilized. I was raised by my grandmother who was an incredible cook, gardener and seamstress. Now I couldn’t care less about garment sewing, but the rest of it rubbed off, so I’m like Martha Stewart with advanced degrees in education and childhood development. There was no way in hell I was outsourcing my child rearing.

Many of my friends don’t even know where their kitchen is, but make good money professionally, and that’s OK too.

Just play to your strengths, and make the decision as a married couple with your spouse, so you’re all on the same page. It’s a life-long decision in terms of financial impact, so you have to do it as a couple.

Not to be mean but a teaching job is not what people would consider a big career.

+100000

Maybe if you had paid attention to your math teacher you would know that “+100000” is non-sensical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bailed out when my DD was still pretty little. It caused be a lot of heartache and I’ll admit that I felt huge envy and jealousy when peers’ careers zoomed forward and I was standing at the kitchen counter washing the same water bottle for the millionth time that week. And just after the pandemic, when friends started upgrading not-quite starter homes to crazy $4m palaces, I nearly had a breakdown as we all fought for space in our tight house (in an amazing neighborhood).

However, staying home started to pay off. DH got promoted quickly at work because he was able to go all-in for a few years- flying to Asia at a moments’ notice, serving on special advisory committees, getting pulled onto special projects. It sucked to watch because we essentially had the same careers and some things I could have done better. But our DD was able to stay in a really demanding a fulfilling activity as her peers dropped out due to the challenge of getting rides and the cost. I was able to have long-postponed surgeries and medical treatment for chronic conditions probably triggered by work stress. I nursed our elderly dog through a prolonged decline and had the time to take on a new rescue later.

And like another PP, all of this aligned with a very favorable market which is allowing us to move to the kind of house that our 2-career peers are in. So the end result is essentially the same in many ways, and better in others.

So yeah, I took it on the chin and I know people look down on me, but it worked out and my kid’s life really benefited from having a flexible parent and another parent who could focus on just work + being there for her.

It’s a gamble, like everything else. Just know that you’ll have to absorb some nasty comments. And I don’t mean online. People express their insecurities or prejudice through their “innocent questions” and you’ll find out who is your real friend and who were just colleagues/mom friends/professional school acquaintances.

To each her own. And I applaud PP for sacrificing her career and being at peace with the present.

The path above would’ve killed me, regardless of my potential house size. Knowing my spouse and I were peers and I had to stop and he excelled?

I do not mean this with any harshness. Anyone who takes the above path ought to have an excellent life insurance policy on the earning spouse and an excellent post nup. Life is different for all of us and we have to live it.

This is a very weird sentiment. My DH earned less than I did when we got married, but his career has really taken off and he earns multiples of what I earn. I still earn a good amount ($250k) but I have intentionally leaned out and sought promotions at a much slower pace than I otherwise would have. I am super proud of him!

What would *actually* kill me is just being known as the driver and servant of my kids. Which I mean, I kind of *am*, that, but at least it’s not my only identity! So many SAHMs - their kids are their only identity and topic of conversation. I don’t think that’s healthy for a woman.

Why do so many people think it’s preferable to have your identity based almost entirely on your career rather than your family?

Unless you’re doing something truly special (and the vast, VAST majority of you are certainly not, regardless of how much you’re being paid) then at the end of the day you’re really just another cog in the wheel. No one cares now, and your professional legacy will be that… no one remembers or cares.