Any moms give up big careers?

[Anonymous]

How much do you make?

[Anonymous]

I bailed out when my DD was still pretty little. It caused be a lot of heartache and I’ll admit that I felt huge envy and jealousy when peers’ careers zoomed forward and I was standing at the kitchen counter washing the same water bottle for the millionth time that week. And just after the pandemic, when friends started upgrading not-quite starter homes to crazy $4m palaces, I nearly had a breakdown as we all fought for space in our tight house (in an amazing neighborhood).

However, staying home started to pay off. DH got promoted quickly at work because he was able to go all-in for a few years- flying to Asia at a moments’ notice, serving on special advisory committees, getting pulled onto special projects. It sucked to watch because we essentially had the same careers and some things I could have done better. But our DD was able to stay in a really demanding a fulfilling activity as her peers dropped out due to the challenge of getting rides and the cost. I was able to have long-postponed surgeries and medical treatment for chronic conditions probably triggered by work stress. I nursed our elderly dog through a prolonged decline and had the time to take on a new rescue later.

And like another PP, all of this aligned with a very favorable market which is allowing us to move to the kind of house that our 2-career peers are in. So the end result is essentially the same in many ways, and better in others.

So yeah, I took it on the chin and I know people look down on me, but it worked out and my kid’s life really benefited from having a flexible parent and another parent who could focus on just work + being there for her.

It’s a gamble, like everything else. Just know that you’ll have to absorb some nasty comments. And I don’t mean online. People express their insecurities or prejudice through their “innocent questions” and you’ll find out who is your real friend and who were just colleagues/mom friends/professional school acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

I went PT when our first was born, and went back to FT when the last one left for college. My salary took a hit, but the time with family and the flexibility were 110% worth it. Not to mention the ease at which I could fit in grocery shopping, doctors appointments for me and the kids, making fun holiday traditions for our family, etc., etc. Think about it, on your deathbed, would the wish really be, "more money, more work," or, "more time with family?"

There was one issue, the SAHMs considered me a working mom and the working moms considered me a SAHM, so in that sense I didn't really fit in. But all those random school days off, I was home (and hosted many kids in the neighborhood for a fun day); winter break - we traveled as a family (frequently to my parents who have now passed but lived in FL), summers - many weeks the kids were in camp, but we always took a 3-week vacation somewhere.

Zero regrets

[Anonymous]

I stopped working as a sub-specialist surgeon three years ago. My husband had to move overseas for his job and I was just so burned out at that time. Fortunately, money is not an issue but if it were, I never would have stepped back. Some days I'm grateful for the ability to stay home with her (she's 7 now), other days I deeply regret it because I feel like I'm not living up to my potential. I have a very easy and pleasurable life now, but I can't help but feel lazy 99% of the time.

[Anonymous]

I left a demanding job when my child started 1st grade. What surprised me at my old workplace was how folks would act like a big shots in the office, but their home lives were falling apart. Most would try to hide their home failures but could not upon certain milestones. Boss can’t make eye contact when she explains that child who graduated hs isn’t on any path. Boss who denied telework suddenly and quietly teleworks bc husband moved out of the home and she needs flexibility with young kids. No leadership and management of the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am strongly considering quitting my job and am looking to hear from others who left a very demanding job after having kids, especially if you left when your kids were a bit older (vs just born).

My kids are both elementary age but I work way too much (55+ hours per week which often includes some night/weekend work) and my current boss / department is toxic. I have been blocked from taking family vacations due to important meetings, regularly have to take calls at night/early in the AM and often get stuck at the office late (or have to be in very early) for meetings. I get paid well but feel like I am missing out on so much of my kids’ life, and often take the stress of being pulled in 2 directions at once out on them.

At the same time I am terrified of leaving my job because I have worked to build my career over the past 20+ years. I don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom when my kids are gone from 8-3 daily. I would love to find something with more flexibility but don’t know if that exists but I know it would be a big step back salary wise.

For those who left a big corporate job, do you regret it? Did you end up staying home or did you find a different job that was better in the long run?

I mean, obviously? Why would a more flexible job pay the same as a high stress inflexible job?

This is a pretty common transition (I have been in biglaw, fed regulatory agency, in-house counsel). Of course I left a lot of $ on the table in leaving biglaw but yes it's been worth it. I am still working FT but mostly WFH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave up a good career to stay home. I might get back to it one day but no regrets so far. I will say that when you meet kids, it’s obvious which ones have a parent at home. People don’t like to hear it but it’s true. Once, I met some really good kids and was so confused because I heard their mom had a career but then I found out that the dad is at home with them.

I don’t think this is true at all and I’m a SAHM. There are definitely some very spoiled kids and parents work demanding jobs. When kids are not the focus, they will know.

DH and I both had demanding and high paying jobs when we got married and had kids. I switched from 70 hours per week to 40 hours to 30 hours to staying at home. DH earns a seven figure income and we did not need my income.

OP, there are a lot of options between where you are and being a SAHM. If you want a break, go for it. That is what I did but I ended up never going back. I had another child so juggling 3 has been a lot for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went PT when our first was born, and went back to FT when the last one left for college. My salary took a hit, but the time with family and the flexibility were 110% worth it. Not to mention the ease at which I could fit in grocery shopping, doctors appointments for me and the kids, making fun holiday traditions for our family, etc., etc. Think about it, on your deathbed, would the wish really be, "more money, more work," or, "more time with family?"

There was one issue, the SAHMs considered me a working mom and the working moms considered me a SAHM, so in that sense I didn't really fit in. But all those random school days off, I was home (and hosted many kids in the neighborhood for a fun day); winter break - we traveled as a family (frequently to my parents who have now passed but lived in FL), summers - many weeks the kids were in camp, but we always took a 3-week vacation somewhere.

Zero regrets

SAHM here. Most of the SAHMs I know are working or doing something whether it is paid or not. I do often meet SAHMs who are unavailable because they are working. Also have working friends with flexible jobs who are always available. The SAhMs, including myself, don’t just sit around doing nothing. We have plans daily whether it is social or volunteer or school related. I don’t really care what their working status is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went PT when our first was born, and went back to FT when the last one left for college. My salary took a hit, but the time with family and the flexibility were 110% worth it. Not to mention the ease at which I could fit in grocery shopping, doctors appointments for me and the kids, making fun holiday traditions for our family, etc., etc. Think about it, on your deathbed, would the wish really be, "more money, more work," or, "more time with family?"

There was one issue, the SAHMs considered me a working mom and the working moms considered me a SAHM, so in that sense I didn't really fit in. But all those random school days off, I was home (and hosted many kids in the neighborhood for a fun day); winter break - we traveled as a family (frequently to my parents who have now passed but lived in FL), summers - many weeks the kids were in camp, but we always took a 3-week vacation somewhere.

Zero regrets

This is me. Remote work is a blessing as well. No regrets.

They grow up so fast. Once they go off to college, really once they get the drivers license, it’s never the same. Take the time and enjoy every second. Don’t look back.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t leave my demanding career and now my youngest is a sophomore and I’m plagued by regret over all the time I missed with my kids and how it very much wasn’t worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave up a good career to stay home. I might get back to it one day but no regrets so far. I will say that when you meet kids, it’s obvious which ones have a parent at home. People don’t like to hear it but it’s true. Once, I met some really good kids and was so confused because I heard their mom had a career but then I found out that the dad is at home with them.

I guess your parents didn't do a good job then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bailed out when my DD was still pretty little. It caused be a lot of heartache and I’ll admit that I felt huge envy and jealousy when peers’ careers zoomed forward and I was standing at the kitchen counter washing the same water bottle for the millionth time that week. And just after the pandemic, when friends started upgrading not-quite starter homes to crazy $4m palaces, I nearly had a breakdown as we all fought for space in our tight house (in an amazing neighborhood).

However, staying home started to pay off. DH got promoted quickly at work because he was able to go all-in for a few years- flying to Asia at a moments’ notice, serving on special advisory committees, getting pulled onto special projects. It sucked to watch because we essentially had the same careers and some things I could have done better. But our DD was able to stay in a really demanding a fulfilling activity as her peers dropped out due to the challenge of getting rides and the cost. I was able to have long-postponed surgeries and medical treatment for chronic conditions probably triggered by work stress. I nursed our elderly dog through a prolonged decline and had the time to take on a new rescue later.

And like another PP, all of this aligned with a very favorable market which is allowing us to move to the kind of house that our 2-career peers are in. So the end result is essentially the same in many ways, and better in others.

So yeah, I took it on the chin and I know people look down on me, but it worked out and my kid’s life really benefited from having a flexible parent and another parent who could focus on just work + being there for her.

It’s a gamble, like everything else. Just know that you’ll have to absorb some nasty comments. And I don’t mean online. People express their insecurities or prejudice through their “innocent questions” and you’ll find out who is your real friend and who were just colleagues/mom friends/professional school acquaintances.

To each her own. And I applaud PP for sacrificing her career and being at peace with the present.

The path above would’ve killed me, regardless of my potential house size. Knowing my spouse and I were peers and I had to stop and he excelled?

I do not mean this with any harshness. Anyone who takes the above path ought to have an excellent life insurance policy on the earning spouse and an excellent post nup. Life is different for all of us and we have to live it.

[Anonymous]

Remote work and flexibility is a huge huge gift to moms. I stayed at home for awhile and didn’t enjoy it but knew I couldn’t go back to commuting and 9-5. Everyone is piling on the PP who said you can tell who has a mom at home and who doesn’t and I don’t think that’s entirely true but you can tell the parents who work 60 hour weeks who show up at dance recital or a school concert. They don’t know their kids nearly as well as moms who are at home and how could they? That’s a non-negotiable trade-off of having that kind of career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make?

280k

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bailed out when my DD was still pretty little. It caused be a lot of heartache and I’ll admit that I felt huge envy and jealousy when peers’ careers zoomed forward and I was standing at the kitchen counter washing the same water bottle for the millionth time that week. And just after the pandemic, when friends started upgrading not-quite starter homes to crazy $4m palaces, I nearly had a breakdown as we all fought for space in our tight house (in an amazing neighborhood).

However, staying home started to pay off. DH got promoted quickly at work because he was able to go all-in for a few years- flying to Asia at a moments’ notice, serving on special advisory committees, getting pulled onto special projects. It sucked to watch because we essentially had the same careers and some things I could have done better. But our DD was able to stay in a really demanding a fulfilling activity as her peers dropped out due to the challenge of getting rides and the cost. I was able to have long-postponed surgeries and medical treatment for chronic conditions probably triggered by work stress. I nursed our elderly dog through a prolonged decline and had the time to take on a new rescue later.

And like another PP, all of this aligned with a very favorable market which is allowing us to move to the kind of house that our 2-career peers are in. So the end result is essentially the same in many ways, and better in others.

So yeah, I took it on the chin and I know people look down on me, but it worked out and my kid’s life really benefited from having a flexible parent and another parent who could focus on just work + being there for her.

It’s a gamble, like everything else. Just know that you’ll have to absorb some nasty comments. And I don’t mean online. People express their insecurities or prejudice through their “innocent questions” and you’ll find out who is your real friend and who were just colleagues/mom friends/professional school acquaintances.

To each her own. And I applaud PP for sacrificing her career and being at peace with the present.

The path above would’ve killed me, regardless of my potential house size. Knowing my spouse and I were peers and I had to stop and he excelled?

I do not mean this with any harshness. Anyone who takes the above path ought to have an excellent life insurance policy on the earning spouse and an excellent post nup. Life is different for all of us and we have to live it.

I’m PP and 100% honesty: it did almost kill me. Not exaggerating- it was a temporary but major blow to my mental health. It hurt. The hurt is gone now but it took many years of making my family life work for the positive feelings to replace the negative. I also had a really supportive set of ILs and some close friends who had my back and made it clear that they were proud of me as a person and not as a job or a mom. My only living parent remains disappointed. It’s important to have people in your corner.

The life insurance advice is very important. Before I left my job and before I dealt with a lot of health issues, DH and I both basically maxed out what we could do in terms of life insurance. This is very important for any parent but especially one making a career change or stepping off-track. Do it while you are healthy so you get a good rate and coverage.