Any moms give up big careers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave up a good career to stay home. I might get back to it one day but no regrets so far. I will say that when you meet kids, it’s obvious which ones have a parent at home. People don’t like to hear it but it’s true. Once, I met some really good kids and was so confused because I heard their mom had a career but then I found out that the dad is at home with them.

It hurts to hear but, +1.

Of course it depends on your childcare arrangement but as a SAHM I've had plenty of interactions with the nannies of my children's friends and they either 1) absolutely let them get away with murder, b/c the children are not their problem after 6pm or 2) will leave at the drop of a hat, no matter how well paid they are. I find the difficult children to be the ones who have had cycled through numerous childcare providers. My daughter's friends has had 3 full time (60+ hour a week) nannies this calendar year alone. They keep quitting and I wonder if it's a coincidence that the poor child's anxiety levels have grown over time.

[Anonymous]

Not quite but giving up specializing in medicine and taking a major pay cut to be more present at home. I’m really excited for this new chapter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bailed out when my DD was still pretty little. It caused be a lot of heartache and I’ll admit that I felt huge envy and jealousy when peers’ careers zoomed forward and I was standing at the kitchen counter washing the same water bottle for the millionth time that week. And just after the pandemic, when friends started upgrading not-quite starter homes to crazy $4m palaces, I nearly had a breakdown as we all fought for space in our tight house (in an amazing neighborhood).

However, staying home started to pay off. DH got promoted quickly at work because he was able to go all-in for a few years- flying to Asia at a moments’ notice, serving on special advisory committees, getting pulled onto special projects. It sucked to watch because we essentially had the same careers and some things I could have done better. But our DD was able to stay in a really demanding a fulfilling activity as her peers dropped out due to the challenge of getting rides and the cost. I was able to have long-postponed surgeries and medical treatment for chronic conditions probably triggered by work stress. I nursed our elderly dog through a prolonged decline and had the time to take on a new rescue later.

And like another PP, all of this aligned with a very favorable market which is allowing us to move to the kind of house that our 2-career peers are in. So the end result is essentially the same in many ways, and better in others.

So yeah, I took it on the chin and I know people look down on me, but it worked out and my kid’s life really benefited from having a flexible parent and another parent who could focus on just work + being there for her.

It’s a gamble, like everything else. Just know that you’ll have to absorb some nasty comments. And I don’t mean online. People express their insecurities or prejudice through their “innocent questions” and you’ll find out who is your real friend and who were just colleagues/mom friends/professional school acquaintances.

To each her own. And I applaud PP for sacrificing her career and being at peace with the present.

The path above would’ve killed me, regardless of my potential house size. Knowing my spouse and I were peers and I had to stop and he excelled?

I do not mean this with any harshness. Anyone who takes the above path ought to have an excellent life insurance policy on the earning spouse and an excellent post nup. Life is different for all of us and we have to live it.

I’m PP and 100% honesty: it did almost kill me. Not exaggerating- it was a temporary but major blow to my mental health. It hurt. The hurt is gone now but it took many years of making my family life work for the positive feelings to replace the negative. I also had a really supportive set of ILs and some close friends who had my back and made it clear that they were proud of me as a person and not as a job or a mom. My only living parent remains disappointed. It’s important to have people in your corner.

The life insurance advice is very important. Before I left my job and before I dealt with a lot of health issues, DH and I both basically maxed out what we could do in terms of life insurance. This is very important for any parent but especially one making a career change or stepping off-track. Do it while you are healthy so you get a good rate and coverage.

I’m the woman to whom you’re responding.

You seem honest and secure. As a career woman/mom with a career/title that others deem impressive (for whatever that’s worth—not much), I think I’d love to be friends with you. You seem authentic and mature. I applaud your grace, truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should set boundaries. You are not. As long as you are working during ordinary working hours, and working an ordinary, at leas, 40 hour week -- YOU establish when you are available and when you are not. Let 'em fire you if they don't like it. You may as well try rather than quit. Do the job the way you feel is reasonable.

I wouldn't announce this at work. Just do it. Just start being *not* available when you are being taken advantage of.

DP. You don’t get it. Intense high paying jobs create boundaries for you. You do what you can but at a certain level you can’t just not be on, especially if that is the culture.

All of the talk on here about bigger jobs more flexibility misses the point that at a certain level and especially in certain industries it’s all consuming. If OP stays and misses meetings and doesn’t turn work around it will impact her comp and her standing. She’s better off changing roles than ruining her reputation.

OP- find a therapist to help you sort out what you are looking for and once you’re clear on that move toward that goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should set boundaries. You are not. As long as you are working during ordinary working hours, and working an ordinary, at leas, 40 hour week -- YOU establish when you are available and when you are not. Let 'em fire you if they don't like it. You may as well try rather than quit. Do the job the way you feel is reasonable.

I wouldn't announce this at work. Just do it. Just start being *not* available when you are being taken advantage of.

I love this advice but how do you tactically turn down calls early morning when even the CEO is on? This would really. be akin to quiet quitting in my mind

[Anonymous]

No way. Kids and activities are very manageable.

[Anonymous]

I would first spend six months interviewing like crazy and try to find a similar role with similar pay at a nontoxic place. I would then spend at least six months in the new job before making a decision.

I would also figure out how to make your role your current role (hopefully in a new place more tolerable). Given you have both early mornings and late nights, can you basically take afternoons off (for example, are you working with China all the time)? Can you bail from the office at 2pm and hang out with the kids until 8pm and then start back? If the CEO isn’t on all these calls, which ones can you skip? If you have tons of standing calls, can you talk to the leader of each call to see if every other week could be just as effective? If lots of people report to you, are you having 1:1 meetings? Can you group them? Or make them 15 minutes instead of 30? I generally find women feel like they have to show up for everything and apologize when they have an emergency and can’t make something in a way that men don’t. If you think this is you, can you stop this?

I’m a direct report to a CEO and I do have to show up when he is there, but I also might go get a pedicure at 2 in the afternoon or cook dinner at 3:30pm when I don’t have a meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am strongly considering quitting my job and am looking to hear from others who left a very demanding job after having kids, especially if you left when your kids were a bit older (vs just born).

My kids are both elementary age but I work way too much (55+ hours per week which often includes some night/weekend work) and my current boss / department is toxic. I have been blocked from taking family vacations due to important meetings, regularly have to take calls at night/early in the AM and often get stuck at the office late (or have to be in very early) for meetings. I get paid well but feel like I am missing out on so much of my kids’ life, and often take the stress of being pulled in 2 directions at once out on them.

At the same time I am terrified of leaving my job because I have worked to build my career over the past 20+ years. I don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom when my kids are gone from 8-3 daily. I would love to find something with more flexibility but don’t know if that exists but I know it would be a big step back salary wise.

For those who left a big corporate job, do you regret it? Did you end up staying home or did you find a different job that was better in the long run?

Out of genuine curiosity, what does "paid well" and "big corporate job" mean salary wise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am strongly considering quitting my job and am looking to hear from others who left a very demanding job after having kids, especially if you left when your kids were a bit older (vs just born).

My kids are both elementary age but I work way too much (55+ hours per week which often includes some night/weekend work) and my current boss / department is toxic. I have been blocked from taking family vacations due to important meetings, regularly have to take calls at night/early in the AM and often get stuck at the office late (or have to be in very early) for meetings. I get paid well but feel like I am missing out on so much of my kids’ life, and often take the stress of being pulled in 2 directions at once out on them.

At the same time I am terrified of leaving my job because I have worked to build my career over the past 20+ years. I don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom when my kids are gone from 8-3 daily. I would love to find something with more flexibility but don’t know if that exists but I know it would be a big step back salary wise.

For those who left a big corporate job, do you regret it? Did you end up staying home or did you find a different job that was better in the long run?

Out of genuine curiosity, what does "paid well" and "big corporate job" mean salary wise?

I make roughly 375k a year. I never miss a kid school activity and do a lot of school volunteering. Work is stressful and I dream about taking time off but am the breadwinner. But the amount of hours I work is 40 or less I'd say.

Is that a big job or are talking jobs 500K plus?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am strongly considering quitting my job and am looking to hear from others who left a very demanding job after having kids, especially if you left when your kids were a bit older (vs just born).

My kids are both elementary age but I work way too much (55+ hours per week which often includes some night/weekend work) and my current boss / department is toxic. I have been blocked from taking family vacations due to important meetings, regularly have to take calls at night/early in the AM and often get stuck at the office late (or have to be in very early) for meetings. I get paid well but feel like I am missing out on so much of my kids’ life, and often take the stress of being pulled in 2 directions at once out on them.

At the same time I am terrified of leaving my job because I have worked to build my career over the past 20+ years. I don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom when my kids are gone from 8-3 daily. I would love to find something with more flexibility but don’t know if that exists but I know it would be a big step back salary wise.

For those who left a big corporate job, do you regret it? Did you end up staying home or did you find a different job that was better in the long run?

Out of genuine curiosity, what does "paid well" and "big corporate job" mean salary wise?

I make roughly 375k a year. I never miss a kid school activity and do a lot of school volunteering. Work is stressful and I dream about taking time off but am the breadwinner. But the amount of hours I work is 40 or less I'd say.

Is that a big job or are talking jobs 500K plus?

I make 300k and consider myself to have a low key mommy track job. When I think big job, I think 500k+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am strongly considering quitting my job and am looking to hear from others who left a very demanding job after having kids, especially if you left when your kids were a bit older (vs just born).

My kids are both elementary age but I work way too much (55+ hours per week which often includes some night/weekend work) and my current boss / department is toxic. I have been blocked from taking family vacations due to important meetings, regularly have to take calls at night/early in the AM and often get stuck at the office late (or have to be in very early) for meetings. I get paid well but feel like I am missing out on so much of my kids’ life, and often take the stress of being pulled in 2 directions at once out on them.

At the same time I am terrified of leaving my job because I have worked to build my career over the past 20+ years. I don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom when my kids are gone from 8-3 daily. I would love to find something with more flexibility but don’t know if that exists but I know it would be a big step back salary wise.

For those who left a big corporate job, do you regret it? Did you end up staying home or did you find a different job that was better in the long run?

Out of genuine curiosity, what does "paid well" and "big corporate job" mean salary wise?

I make roughly 375k a year. I never miss a kid school activity and do a lot of school volunteering. Work is stressful and I dream about taking time off but am the breadwinner. But the amount of hours I work is 40 or less I'd say.

Is that a big job or are talking jobs 500K plus?

I make 300k and consider myself to have a low key mommy track job. When I think big job, I think 500k+

Isn’t this just a function of how much you are expected to work, lack of flexibility, etc. though (once you pass an amount that is significant to give up and it would be difficult to immediately find a job making that amount somewhere else)? You could have a “big job” at 300k and a mommy track at 500k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am strongly considering quitting my job and am looking to hear from others who left a very demanding job after having kids, especially if you left when your kids were a bit older (vs just born).

My kids are both elementary age but I work way too much (55+ hours per week which often includes some night/weekend work) and my current boss / department is toxic. I have been blocked from taking family vacations due to important meetings, regularly have to take calls at night/early in the AM and often get stuck at the office late (or have to be in very early) for meetings. I get paid well but feel like I am missing out on so much of my kids’ life, and often take the stress of being pulled in 2 directions at once out on them.

At the same time I am terrified of leaving my job because I have worked to build my career over the past 20+ years. I don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom when my kids are gone from 8-3 daily. I would love to find something with more flexibility but don’t know if that exists but I know it would be a big step back salary wise.

For those who left a big corporate job, do you regret it? Did you end up staying home or did you find a different job that was better in the long run?

No advice OP, but I’m in a similar boat. I’m not the breadwinner and I’ve pretty much decided to quit after my next bonus (if I can make it that long). I don’t care anymore about the years of education and years I put into building my career. I think we put too much emphasis on filling up the day with “productive” activities (i.e., paid work or, sometimes acceptable, actively parenting very young children - honestly think this focus on having to be productive all the time is a coping mechanism bc most people don’t have a choice, so I get it’s a privilege). If you can afford it and you get to have downtime while the kids are in school to go to the gym and read and relax and cook or whatever, who cares. Enjoy life a little bit. (Unless you are someone who gets a ton of personal satisfaction out of working, then I understand the dilemma. But part time work seems to be the worst of both worlds, lower pay and highly unlikely part time hours would be respected for anything sophisticated other than like maybe medical fields.)

[Anonymous]

I switched career fields (went into something adjacent) that was more family friendly. I've switched jobs in there and now have what i wouldn't describe as a tremendously rewarding job, but one that pays me enough to be the primary breadwinner while still giving me flexibility as needed for kid stuff.

Per the PP who wrote about how you can tell which kids have working parents...my kids are in middle school and at this point you can tell which ones have SAHMs (don't know any dads). They are so involved in their kids lives and also some are sort of sheepish about giving up their jobs.

OP, look for something with better balance and when you switch, as PP said, put in guard rails/boundaries and stick to them. You'll find something great I'm sure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am strongly considering quitting my job and am looking to hear from others who left a very demanding job after having kids, especially if you left when your kids were a bit older (vs just born).

My kids are both elementary age but I work way too much (55+ hours per week which often includes some night/weekend work) and my current boss / department is toxic. I have been blocked from taking family vacations due to important meetings, regularly have to take calls at night/early in the AM and often get stuck at the office late (or have to be in very early) for meetings. I get paid well but feel like I am missing out on so much of my kids’ life, and often take the stress of being pulled in 2 directions at once out on them.

At the same time I am terrified of leaving my job because I have worked to build my career over the past 20+ years. I don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom when my kids are gone from 8-3 daily. I would love to find something with more flexibility but don’t know if that exists but I know it would be a big step back salary wise.

For those who left a big corporate job, do you regret it? Did you end up staying home or did you find a different job that was better in the long run?

Out of genuine curiosity, what does "paid well" and "big corporate job" mean salary wise?

I make roughly 375k a year. I never miss a kid school activity and do a lot of school volunteering. Work is stressful and I dream about taking time off but am the breadwinner. But the amount of hours I work is 40 or less I'd say.

Is that a big job or are talking jobs 500K plus?

I make 300k and consider myself to have a low key mommy track job. When I think big job, I think 500k+

Isn’t this just a function of how much you are expected to work, lack of flexibility, etc. though (once you pass an amount that is significant to give up and it would be difficult to immediately find a job making that amount somewhere else)? You could have a “big job” at 300k and a mommy track at 500k.

If you find a $500k mommy track job sign me up please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am strongly considering quitting my job and am looking to hear from others who left a very demanding job after having kids, especially if you left when your kids were a bit older (vs just born).

My kids are both elementary age but I work way too much (55+ hours per week which often includes some night/weekend work) and my current boss / department is toxic. I have been blocked from taking family vacations due to important meetings, regularly have to take calls at night/early in the AM and often get stuck at the office late (or have to be in very early) for meetings. I get paid well but feel like I am missing out on so much of my kids’ life, and often take the stress of being pulled in 2 directions at once out on them.

At the same time I am terrified of leaving my job because I have worked to build my career over the past 20+ years. I don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom when my kids are gone from 8-3 daily. I would love to find something with more flexibility but don’t know if that exists but I know it would be a big step back salary wise.

For those who left a big corporate job, do you regret it? Did you end up staying home or did you find a different job that was better in the long run?

Out of genuine curiosity, what does "paid well" and "big corporate job" mean salary wise?

I make roughly 375k a year. I never miss a kid school activity and do a lot of school volunteering. Work is stressful and I dream about taking time off but am the breadwinner. But the amount of hours I work is 40 or less I'd say.

Is that a big job or are talking jobs 500K plus?

I make 300k and consider myself to have a low key mommy track job. When I think big job, I think 500k+

Isn’t this just a function of how much you are expected to work, lack of flexibility, etc. though (once you pass an amount that is significant to give up and it would be difficult to immediately find a job making that amount somewhere else)? You could have a “big job” at 300k and a mommy track at 500k.

If you find a $500k mommy track job sign me up please!

lol right - I guess my point was, 300k mommy track jobs are basically as unusual, maybe more likely only bc there are more 300k jobs in general than 500k jobs but it’s not like any significant portion of jobs paying 300k are mommy track.