Dead bedroom, why??

[Anonymous]

A lot of answer putting the onus of the situation on the guy. Low T, depression, overweight.

Like someone mentioned before, it could be resentment or how he’s feeling in the relationship. People underestimate how a lack of respect, feelings of being dominated or controlled by an A type personality spouse, and a continual over prioritization of children’s schedules could make a man not feel like a man anymore, and thus no longer want to be intimate with *you*. Couple that with managing young kids, aging parents, personal health, work/income pressure, household and other things, and sex with your demanding spouse doesn’t seem all that appealing anymore. Also, blaming him for the dead bedroom situation is not a great sexual motivator.

[Anonymous]

Guy here - for me its attraction. Added weight plus the current fashion trends over the last few years just make it impossible for me to see her in a sexual way. We’re great friends and there’s not anyone else I’d want in my life, ever. I wish she would wear things I find her attractive in occasionally but I’ve asked and its just caused a fight. I’m sure now she thinks I have low T (its in the 700’s as of a checkup a month ago), I have pron addiction (I don’t even watch it) or other.

My reccomendation would be for both of you to read His Needs/Her Needs and talk about it. The book is a little dated and has somewhat of a Christian bent but its pretty blunt and you can receive the Christian aspect however you’d like. Its a great place to start a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of answer putting the onus of the situation on the guy. Low T, depression, overweight.

Like someone mentioned before, it could be resentment or how he’s feeling in the relationship. People underestimate how a lack of respect, feelings of being dominated or controlled by an A type personality spouse, and a continual over prioritization of children’s schedules could make a man not feel like a man anymore, and thus no longer want to be intimate with *you*. Couple that with managing young kids, aging parents, personal health, work/income pressure, household and other things, and sex with your demanding spouse doesn’t seem all that appealing anymore. Also, blaming him for the dead bedroom situation is not a great sexual motivator.

This is me for sure. When she used to be super hot my sex drive was more resilient and it would pull me back in. After she quit putting in any effort there’s nothing really to pull me back any more. The resentment just sticks if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of answer putting the onus of the situation on the guy. Low T, depression, overweight.

Like someone mentioned before, it could be resentment or how he’s feeling in the relationship. People underestimate how a lack of respect, feelings of being dominated or controlled by an A type personality spouse, and a continual over prioritization of children’s schedules could make a man not feel like a man anymore, and thus no longer want to be intimate with *you*. Couple that with managing young kids, aging parents, personal health, work/income pressure, household and other things, and sex with your demanding spouse doesn’t seem all that appealing anymore. Also, blaming him for the dead bedroom situation is not a great sexual motivator.

+5

So many responses above are “he must be low T, closeted or have a corn addiction”. “I couldn’t possibly have any responsibility”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
+5

So many responses above are “he must be low T, closeted or have a corn addiction”. “I couldn’t possibly have any responsibility”

Dcum gonna Dcum


OP: "My wife set our house on fire. Sold our children into slavery. Joined a Satanic human sacrifice cult."

DCUM: "You have Low T and porn addiction. Also, do more chores."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+5

So many responses above are “he must be low T, closeted or have a corn addiction”. “I couldn’t possibly have any responsibility”

Dcum gonna Dcum


OP: "My wife set our house on fire. Sold our children into slavery. Joined a Satanic human sacrifice cult."

DCUM: "You have Low T and porn addiction. Also, do more chores."

Yooo bro. Yes, noticed the same. Sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+5

So many responses above are “he must be low T, closeted or have a corn addiction”. “I couldn’t possibly have any responsibility”

Dcum gonna Dcum


OP: "My wife set our house on fire. Sold our children into slavery. Joined a Satanic human sacrifice cult."

DCUM: "You have Low T and porn addiction. Also, do more chores."

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of answer putting the onus of the situation on the guy. Low T, depression, overweight.

Like someone mentioned before, it could be resentment or how he’s feeling in the relationship. People underestimate how a lack of respect, feelings of being dominated or controlled by an A type personality spouse, and a continual over prioritization of children’s schedules could make a man not feel like a man anymore, and thus no longer want to be intimate with *you*. Couple that with managing young kids, aging parents, personal health, work/income pressure, household and other things, and sex with your demanding spouse doesn’t seem all that appealing anymore. Also, blaming him for the dead bedroom situation is not a great sexual motivator.

+5

So many responses above are “he must be low T, closeted or have a corn addiction”. “I couldn’t possibly have any responsibility”

To be fair to OP, I don’t believe they are shirking responsibility. But she hasn’t shared what work she has done to understand how she may be contributing to the situation. It’s not just about weight and looking hot. Do you know how many overweight, average looking escorts make $$ and are in high demand. If a man isn’t having sex with you and doesn’t have health issues, then there may be more to it on your end as well as his. Focus on what you can control.

[Anonymous]

OP indicated that her husband was never into sex and a lot of guys slow down when they are older.

I don’t know how you marry a guy who isn’t into sex with you, but he makes $$$$ so I guess OP knows how she got into this situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your entire post and follow-up (re ok but not great sex in the beginning). Our kids are a little older than yours, that's about the only difference.

I have given up. We tried therapy (though it wasn't great - that could yield fruit if we found someone better and tried again.) He's gotten tested and does have low testosterone but refuses to do anything about it.

I look better now than I did when we got married. He has gained significant weight and that definitely impacts his self-esteem. He struggles w/ anxiety and low grade depression and won't treat that or go to therapy.

So he refuses to do anything to address the problems. Which leaves me in the position of deciding whether I can live with it or not.

We have a warm and loving friendship and really strong parenting partnership. I trust him completely (and know he's not having an affair). We just don't have passion of any kind.

I would never leave until our kids are grown, and we have about 10 years until that point. By then I'll be in my late 60's so perhaps I will no longer care and a warm loving friendship will be perfectly fine.

In the meantime I'm living w/ something I really am profoundly sad about, but accepting that as my reality and overall best choice at this point.

I'm so sorry. It sucks, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP indicated that her husband was never into sex and a lot of guys slow down when they are older.

I don’t know how you marry a guy who isn’t into sex with you, but he makes $$$$ so I guess OP knows how she got into this situation.

I’m sure he loves sex— most men do. Maybe that spark just isn’t as high with OP. He probably settled for mediocre sex life because she exceeded other value traits. Also, if she wanted more sex, what did she do to encourage or cultivate it? Does she know what he likes? Sexual fantasies?

*****pause******

This is the point where DCUM centers the conversation back on the woman’s needs and debates who should initiate intimacy and the need for her to feel wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP indicated that her husband was never into sex and a lot of guys slow down when they are older.

I don’t know how you marry a guy who isn’t into sex with you, but he makes $$$$ so I guess OP knows how she got into this situation.

I’m sure he loves sex— most men do. Maybe that spark just isn’t as high with OP. He probably settled for mediocre sex life because she exceeded other value traits. Also, if she wanted more sex, what did she do to encourage or cultivate it? Does she know what he likes? Sexual fantasies?

*****pause******

This is the point where DCUM centers the conversation back on the woman’s needs and debates who should initiate intimacy and the need for her to feel wanted.

Why is it so hard to believe that there are at least a few men out there who aren’t into sex? I definitely have a higher libido than my husband, even though he enjoys and has sex with me. There’s a huge variety when it comes to sexual preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your entire post and follow-up (re ok but not great sex in the beginning). Our kids are a little older than yours, that's about the only difference.

I have given up. We tried therapy (though it wasn't great - that could yield fruit if we found someone better and tried again.) He's gotten tested and does have low testosterone but refuses to do anything about it.

I look better now than I did when we got married. He has gained significant weight and that definitely impacts his self-esteem. He struggles w/ anxiety and low grade depression and won't treat that or go to therapy.

So he refuses to do anything to address the problems. Which leaves me in the position of deciding whether I can live with it or not.

We have a warm and loving friendship and really strong parenting partnership. I trust him completely (and know he's not having an affair). We just don't have passion of any kind.

I would never leave until our kids are grown, and we have about 10 years until that point. By then I'll be in my late 60's so perhaps I will no longer care and a warm loving friendship will be perfectly fine.

In the meantime I'm living w/ something I really am profoundly sad about, but accepting that as my reality and overall best choice at this point.

I'm so sorry. It sucks, for sure.

Sounds like you are resigned to a life a sexual misery. Sounds depressing. Even low T men want sex So that’s not the only reason.

What changes have you made to yourself to help reignite the spark? Does he feel respected by you? Have you tried approaching intimacy in your sex life like you pursed other personal and professional goals and accomplishments? Or is it basically, “he’s got low T, we tried…. oh well”.

You commented on his weight. Maybe part of the issue is you are not attracted to, or respect him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP indicated that her husband was never into sex and a lot of guys slow down when they are older.

I don’t know how you marry a guy who isn’t into sex with you, but he makes $$$$ so I guess OP knows how she got into this situation.

I’m sure he loves sex— most men do. Maybe that spark just isn’t as high with OP. He probably settled for mediocre sex life because she exceeded other value traits. Also, if she wanted more sex, what did she do to encourage or cultivate it? Does she know what he likes? Sexual fantasies?

*****pause******

This is the point where DCUM centers the conversation back on the woman’s needs and debates who should initiate intimacy and the need for her to feel wanted.

Why is it so hard to believe that there are at least a few men out there who aren’t into sex? I definitely have a higher libido than my husband, even though he enjoys and has sex with me. There’s a huge variety when it comes to sexual preference.

PP here. Sure there are. But those are extremes. Same for women. Most people are somewhere in the middle. Yes, even with low libidos.

[Anonymous]

If he's making $1 million+ per year I bet he has a very stressful job. Add on stress with kids and I'm sure that's affecting his sex drive.

Is there something that pays less with less stress that he could do? I'm sure if he's been making good money for a while you have tons of savings and don't need a salary that high anymore.

Another option in a different direction would be to hire a babysitter once a week overnight and you guys spend the night in a hotel and see if that makes a difference. You have plenty of money and can afford to do this, I'm sure getting away from the stress would make a difference.