Dead bedroom, why??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's making $1 million+ per year I bet he has a very stressful job. Add on stress with kids and I'm sure that's affecting his sex drive.

Is there something that pays less with less stress that he could do? I'm sure if he's been making good money for a while you have tons of savings and don't need a salary that high anymore.

Another option in a different direction would be to hire a babysitter once a week overnight and you guys spend the night in a hotel and see if that makes a difference. You have plenty of money and can afford to do this, I'm sure getting away from the stress would make a difference.

Lol there is a whole multi-million dollar industry of sex workers that caters to serving super busy, stressed out, high earning men (and women!). Suffice to say it’s highly likely not work related. Depression, maybe, but that’s connected to more than just work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP indicated that her husband was never into sex and a lot of guys slow down when they are older.

I don’t know how you marry a guy who isn’t into sex with you, but he makes $$$$ so I guess OP knows how she got into this situation.

I’m sure he loves sex— most men do. Maybe that spark just isn’t as high with OP. He probably settled for mediocre sex life because she exceeded other value traits. Also, if she wanted more sex, what did she do to encourage or cultivate it? Does she know what he likes? Sexual fantasies?

*****pause******

This is the point where DCUM centers the conversation back on the woman’s needs and debates who should initiate intimacy and the need for her to feel wanted.

Why is it so hard to believe that there are at least a few men out there who aren’t into sex? I definitely have a higher libido than my husband, even though he enjoys and has sex with me. There’s a huge variety when it comes to sexual preference.

It’s easier to look for and gain comfort in reasons why sexual intimacy cannot be achieved than it is to work on oneself to make it so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's making $1 million+ per year I bet he has a very stressful job. Add on stress with kids and I'm sure that's affecting his sex drive.

Is there something that pays less with less stress that he could do? I'm sure if he's been making good money for a while you have tons of savings and don't need a salary that high anymore.

Another option in a different direction would be to hire a babysitter once a week overnight and you guys spend the night in a hotel and see if that makes a difference. You have plenty of money and can afford to do this, I'm sure getting away from the stress would make a difference.

Lol there is a whole multi-million dollar industry of sex workers that caters to serving super busy, stressed out, high earning men (and women!). Suffice to say it’s highly likely not work related. Depression, maybe, but that’s connected to more than just work.

Just because there are some high-paid AH that do this doesn't mean it applies to the majority of them.

[Anonymous]

Our dead bedroom era, which ended a couple of years ago, was driven by stress - parenting, career, extended family. Lack of quality time together was a problem for sure but neither of us was managing stress effectively, so we were unable to enjoy the down time when we did carve it out.

Regular exercise has supercharged our relationship. Stress management, weight loss, endurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+5

So many responses above are “he must be low T, closeted or have a corn addiction”. “I couldn’t possibly have any responsibility”

Dcum gonna Dcum


OP: "My wife set our house on fire. Sold our children into slavery. Joined a Satanic human sacrifice cult."

DCUM: "You have Low T and porn addiction. Also, do more chores."

I literally lol'd. Funny cause it's true!

[Anonymous]

It might be just be the stress of work and kids. I can tell you that it's completely weighing me down now, and I have nothing left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might be just be the stress of work and kids. I can tell you that it's completely weighing me down now, and I have nothing left.

If you wife put on a nice scent and some nice night wear and engaged in foreplay with you randomly, would you go with it or be too tired?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP indicated that her husband was never into sex and a lot of guys slow down when they are older.

I don’t know how you marry a guy who isn’t into sex with you, but he makes $$$$ so I guess OP knows how she got into this situation.

I’m sure he loves sex— most men do. Maybe that spark just isn’t as high with OP. He probably settled for mediocre sex life because she exceeded other value traits. Also, if she wanted more sex, what did she do to encourage or cultivate it? Does she know what he likes? Sexual fantasies?

*****pause******

This is the point where DCUM centers the conversation back on the woman’s needs and debates who should initiate intimacy and the need for her to feel wanted.

Why is it so hard to believe that there are at least a few men out there who aren’t into sex? I definitely have a higher libido than my husband, even though he enjoys and has sex with me. There’s a huge variety when it comes to sexual preference.

Maybe. But years without sex, that is something fishy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be just be the stress of work and kids. I can tell you that it's completely weighing me down now, and I have nothing left.

If you wife put on a nice scent and some nice night wear and engaged in foreplay with you randomly, would you go with it or be too tired?

Meh

[Anonymous]

I went through something similar with my spouse but it was for a year not YEARS. His was due to stress from work . I’m sure if your husband makes $1mill a year his job is stressful . Plus you both are overweight this contributes to low drive . He may also indeed have low T. It is also normal for things to change for men when there is stress of little kids at home but no sex for years is odd . You guys may need couple therapy to delve into your issues and mainly his issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be just be the stress of work and kids. I can tell you that it's completely weighing me down now, and I have nothing left.

If you wife put on a nice scent and some nice night wear and engaged in foreplay with you randomly, would you go with it or be too tired?

I'm a guy and this wouldn't do it for me either (also nice scent - kinda weird because we normally smell clean). The only time we have a good sex life is the one week a year we go away to the Bahamas by ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this with wife but is other way around. In our case it’s due to imbalance of workload. I am the breadwinner but work crazy hours/ high stress and have begged her since youngest was in school full time to get job also so we can share the load and she won’t/ says she’s ’trying’ but clearly isn’t (her job skills super applicable to today and has lots of friends still in field so I don’t think should be totally impossible). After a while I just started feeling this overwhelming resentment and just anger and lost interest in sex bc it felt like having sex with someone who didn’t care about me. So I guess my q is whether there is imbalance and resentment bc that can affect sex life

OP here. Maybe? We both work full time and he is technically the breadwinner by dollar amount but I still make mid-6 figures so we both have demanding and stressful jobs. I’m sure there is something subconscious resentment that as a man making $1m+ he’s still juggling school drop offs and doctor appointments with his wife. The funny thing is I’ve told him I’d gladly quit and pick up all the household/kid stuff but he also doesn’t want the stress of being the sole provider. (I realize people are going to say don’t quit b/c I’m on the path to divorce but maybe it would help. I don’t know.)

At that income range neither one of you should be juggling school drop offs and flu shots.

Why don’t you have a full time nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might be just be the stress of work and kids. I can tell you that it's completely weighing me down now, and I have nothing left.

OP here again after a few days… Assuming you are a (straight) man, is there anything your wife could do? Is she doing anything “wrong”? I guess I also feel like I have nothing left at the end of the day but still want to connect with my husband that way sometimes. Like how you can somehow still make room for dessert even if you’re completely full.

I appreciate everyone else’s thoughts. I don’t think I fall into the dominating/demanding spouse category where he’d totally sleep with me if I just stopped ordering him around (also not sure how talking with him about the situation = blaming him for the situation, if during any of those conversations he said it was because of anything I was doing - which I have specifically asked - I would have listened and tried to make changes b/c at the end of the day I just want our relationship to improve)… but many of the other ideas are helpful so thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here - for me its attraction. Added weight plus the current fashion trends over the last few years just make it impossible for me to see her in a sexual way. We’re great friends and there’s not anyone else I’d want in my life, ever. I wish she would wear things I find her attractive in occasionally but I’ve asked and its just caused a fight. I’m sure now she thinks I have low T (its in the 700’s as of a checkup a month ago), I have pron addiction (I don’t even watch it) or other.

My reccomendation would be for both of you to read His Needs/Her Needs and talk about it. The book is a little dated and has somewhat of a Christian bent but its pretty blunt and you can receive the Christian aspect however you’d like. Its a great place to start a conversation.

A very good post. Everyone thinks therapy, medication etc. can fix NOT being attracted. It can't. Some people have unresolved anger which affects attraction and the marriage. From OP's comments, I believe he is simply not attracted to her in that way for some reason. Aging is for sure a factor. I had a close friend who was 49 who confided her husband never wanted to have sex, he wouldn't talk about it either. Frankly, she changed over the years, we all age differently. That's harsh but it's a reality among men and women. Sure a book might help, but can it make him be attracted when he isn't. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be just be the stress of work and kids. I can tell you that it's completely weighing me down now, and I have nothing left.

OP here again after a few days… Assuming you are a (straight) man, is there anything your wife could do? Is she doing anything “wrong”? I guess I also feel like I have nothing left at the end of the day but still want to connect with my husband that way sometimes. Like how you can somehow still make room for dessert even if you’re completely full.

I appreciate everyone else’s thoughts. I don’t think I fall into the dominating/demanding spouse category where he’d totally sleep with me if I just stopped ordering him around (also not sure how talking with him about the situation = blaming him for the situation, if during any of those conversations he said it was because of anything I was doing - which I have specifically asked - I would have listened and tried to make changes b/c at the end of the day I just want our relationship to improve)… but many of the other ideas are helpful so thank you.

I wouldn't put any pressure on him. Maybe plan a little getaway, see if he initiates.