Help me understand DD's lying and aggression

[Anonymous]

Babies bite when they can't communicate. She may have felt powerless in the ping pong game and the only way to win is to cheat by biting. How many activities or sports is she in? It could be too much, or too competitive. Have a family meeting when she's calm and talk about how the mouth is filled with bacteria and if you bite someone, it can turn into a serious infection, talk about what happens to dogs when dogs bite people, scratches can get infected, etc. She's too old for that kind of behavior. I'd try to figure out what is driving that behavior. Is she too tired from school and sports? Was she hangry? I'd feed her more. If she's kept busy eating then she can't bite you. Is her brother older and larger and she feels the only way to get even is to do things like bite? I'd supervise the sibling interactions more closely. The neuropsych evaluations can take a while.

If she didn't put her dish in the dishwasher, but she put it in the sink, that's close enough. Try again each time to get her to put it in the dishwasher, or put a sign to remind her to put the dishes in the dishwasher. To follow her and take away the keyboard in anger escalated it and seems more like revenge. Leave the kitchen problems in the kitchen.

She's lying to save face. Lying and manipulation is associated with being social.

[Anonymous]

It’s usually bottled up misdirected frustration. If this is new, I’d start with looking at general happiness bc there might be some stress at school or with friends or general puberty type stuff that they are no longer wanting to tell their parents about (parents being the enemy now).

If she has any young adult or older teen relatives I’d ask them to connect with her 1x1.

[Anonymous]

Pp sorry did want to add with the lying - it’s pretty common in kids with identity issues of some kind or who have to mask in a major way and lie for self protection. Is that at play? Can be lots of things not just gender or sexuality issues but adhd/autism…even learning disabilities. Or family trauma they have to hide. They start to lie for a real reason, and it spills into other parts of their lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting angry is FINE in this scenario. She bit you and hurt her brother! I’m wondering where you got the idea that you shouldn’t get angry?

Anyway I think you need to work with a therapist specializing in child behavior. Not a play therapist, not a talk therapist, but a therapist that will teach you behavioral management techniques, like positive reinforcement and appropriate punishments. Because this is bad behavior and it needs to have a consistent consequence.

Consequences are going to exacerbate a kid like this. Dad needs to connect with his daughter and remove the computers and phones. Daughter needs things to do outside of the home and make friends.

I could not disagree more strongly. She needs to learn the behavior is unacceptable through a consistent structure of consequences and positive reinforcement. All the connection in the world doesn’t substitute for actual parenting with structure. Connection is important too but she bit him because she hasn’t been taught this is unacceptable, because there are no consequences, not because she uses a computer.

I think you are delusional, thinking that all it takes is tough discipline and strong structure and this is OP’s fault for being a wimp it would never happen in my house and blah blah. I only read half of OP’s post and think she should talk to the pediatrician and get a referral for a neuropsychiatric evaluation. This child has issues and the sooner they are addressed and she is helped by an expert the better.

Agree. I can’t believe everyone is “blahblah take away phone.” This kid is severely disturbed it is NOT NORMAL for an 11 year old girl to routinely do something physical harm to her family.

[Anonymous]

How is her relationship and behavior with her mother?

[Anonymous]

YOur DD has serious issues. You need to contact your pediatrician and get some referrals right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting angry is FINE in this scenario. She bit you and hurt her brother! I’m wondering where you got the idea that you shouldn’t get angry?

Anyway I think you need to work with a therapist specializing in child behavior. Not a play therapist, not a talk therapist, but a therapist that will teach you behavioral management techniques, like positive reinforcement and appropriate punishments. Because this is bad behavior and it needs to have a consistent consequence.

Consequences are going to exacerbate a kid like this. Dad needs to connect with his daughter and remove the computers and phones. Daughter needs things to do outside of the home and make friends.

I could not disagree more strongly. She needs to learn the behavior is unacceptable through a consistent structure of consequences and positive reinforcement. All the connection in the world doesn’t substitute for actual parenting with structure. Connection is important too but she bit him because she hasn’t been taught this is unacceptable, because there are no consequences, not because she uses a computer.

I think you are delusional, thinking that all it takes is tough discipline and strong structure and this is OP’s fault for being a wimp it would never happen in my house and blah blah. I only read half of OP’s post and think she should talk to the pediatrician and get a referral for a neuropsychiatric evaluation. This child has issues and the sooner they are addressed and she is helped by an expert the better.

I mean, I’m describing a parenting approach that is well-supported by reams of research and professionals, that I have seen work in my own household. A neuropsch can be helpful but I can fast-forward and tell you exactly what the neurospych told us for disruptive behavior: seek out parenting therapy. The dx literally made zero difference. OP seems to be well intentioned but is FAR from being able to deploy the parenting skills needed here. He needs support.

NP do you have recommendations for therapists/parent coaches or how to find them? I have some similar challenges and am looking for someone to help me as a parent, not work with the child directly

[Anonymous]

You should assess for ADHD and/or ASD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. I'll try to answer questions.

- I have tried taking away items or opportunities as punishment. I have never seen that work with her. I'm not saying it couldn't, just that I don't think it has, and maybe I haven't selected the right things or escalated the punishments appropriately.

- She's generally pretty busy after school and on weekends because she plays on several sports teams. She doesn't have much screen time, but she does slip in more screen time than necessary for homework.

- I would love to connect with her more. I often feel desperate to do so. Sometimes I spend the day begging to, proposing one activity after another, but she rarely takes me up on the offer.

- When I ask her why she engaged in this kind of behavior, the answer is always the kind of circulate deflection I described, e.g., that *I* got mad at her, even though of course I didn't get mad until after she'd engaged in the behavior.

- I take the point about not sparring with her. Just impose the discipline and maybe save the conversation about why for later, when the emotion has passed.

- She sometimes is physical with her brother. She will sometimes bite, scratch, or punch him. He might be doing things to get under her skin in those moments, but he's not threatening her physically. I am not aware of her doing this sort of thing with anyone else.

- Yes, I don't know how to deal with this. Dealing with lying and punishment with my son is very different and much more the kind of dynamic I would expect from a teen.

OP you sound like a really good father and are just at a loss of what to do, as I would be also. Reading your posts, I don't think you doing anything wrong or disproportionate to whatever her misbehavior happens to be. I also don’t think you can fix this alone. It sounds like something is going on with her mentally: bipolar, borderline personality, adhd in there maybe? But her behavior is not and reactions are not in the spectrum of normal teen. So stop blaming herself and view this as she has a medical (mental) problem she needs help sorting out and get to it. Maybe start with your pediatrician. Write them a note/email first so you aren’t in the room having your daughter deny your narrative when you go in. While pediatrician won’t get to the bottom of this, I think they can point you to the appropriate next step. Good luck

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks for all the helpful advice.