Help me understand DD's lying and aggression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. I'll try to answer questions.

I read your answers OP. Start here.

ADHD: The 30 Essential Ideas Every Parent Needs to Know
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCAGc-rkIfo

Parent Child Journey Class
https://www.parentchildjourney.com

Unstuck and On Target program (for Autism or ADHD)
https://www.unstuckandontarget.com

Unstuck was pretty useless for us. The bible for disruptive behavior is Kazdin. https://www.alankazdin.com/

[Anonymous]

It is possible that your anger outbursts make DD anxious, and sometimes she may be provoking you to get to the anger, rather than waiting for it to happen. DD and I got into a dynamic like that, during the start of her tween years. It took a lot to stay calm, but when she stopped getting me to lose my temper, her behaviors diminished. (Or maybe she got older and matured, and didn't need to resort to these behaviors anymore.)

Do you have a spouse and do they have recommendations for how to bond with DD? You say she plays several sports. Do you go to watch? Do you drive there/back? The car is a good place to bond, but you have to do it on her terms. Stay quiet until she starts talking. Maybe see if she's willing to listen to a podcast or audiobook together.

I think the bonding will be key, not only for her, but also for you, you'll get to know her as a person and give her more of the benefit of the doubt during outbursts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than reprimands, what kind of consequences does she get for the aggressive behavior? That seems to me to be the number one place to start because an 11 year old biting is alarming.

The lying is bad and needs correcting, but I don't think it is as out of the range of normal as the aggression. Kids are going to deny culpability and try to shift responsibility when they are caught in bad behavior. In the cases you mention, don't ask her why she did or didn't do something- just call her out on what you know she did and go from there.

Agree about the lying. It’s stemming from OP’s highly dysfunctional approach, which is to react verbally and spar with her, instead of calmly imposing pre-determined consequences.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you'd get very different answers from special needs parents than some of these responses saying you just need to change your disciplinary approach.

A neuropsych evaluation and parent behavior therapy are good ideas.

In the meantime, read Ross Greene and maybe Kazdin.

+1

OP, you are going to get much better feedback on the special needs board. The reason you are not getting anywhere with typical punishments is because it simply doesn't work with kids of a certain profile. Start with your pediatrician because that will get the ball rolling the fastest, but I agree that a neuropsych is in order.

[Anonymous]

Take her to a psychiatrist STAT. Compulsive lying and willingly hurting family members have nothing to do with ADD. She sounds like she needs PHP.

[Anonymous]

Neuropsych= it's a brain issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 11 year old BIT you?! That’s not normal misbehavior.

Right? this is where gentle parenting gets you.

Yup. Bite her back, I say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you'd get very different answers from special needs parents than some of these responses saying you just need to change your disciplinary approach.

A neuropsych evaluation and parent behavior therapy are good ideas.

In the meantime, read Ross Greene and maybe Kazdin.

+1

OP, you are going to get much better feedback on the special needs board. The reason you are not getting anywhere with typical punishments is because it simply doesn't work with kids of a certain profile. Start with your pediatrician because that will get the ball rolling the fastest, but I agree that a neuropsych is in order.

Not sure what you mean by “typical punishments” but Kazdin is written for NT kids with behavioral issues and also works for kids with ADHD and autism. The real work is figuring out what kind of behavior to punish, how to encourage replacement behaviors through positive incentives, and calibrate the negatife consequences. This can involve things like time outs or removing privileges for NT or ND kids. Our excellent behavioral therapist told us her approach doesn’t differ based on diagnosis; although she would refer us to a specialist if we didn’t make progress. We did make progress and incredibly quickly.

OP needs to be looking for behavior therapy in his area. Well trained behavioral therapists work with kids with ADHD and ASD all the time. Maybe stimulant medications will help but they are not a panacea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neuropsych= it's a brain issue

Ok well … that doesn’t mean you don’t also have to work on better discipline and behavior through parenting. Parents of kids with dx need more parenting skills.

[Anonymous]

My mother’s reaction to anything I did she disapproved of was terrible. I lied whenever I could to avoid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The key is to determine how she behaves outside of the house. If the same - it's her. If not, it's your parenting.

That’s a weird take.

It’s kind of true. I lied a lot as a tween and teen to my parents, but not friends or teachers.

My parents weren’t good parents at all. I lied whenever I could to avoid their scorn and frequent disapproval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother’s reaction to anything I did she disapproved of was terrible. I lied whenever I could to avoid it.

I’m sorry. One huge thing we learned in parenting therapy was how to ignore where possible, and then the consequences were already set in advance for bad behavior. And the consequences are so small (eg 5 minute time out, no screens after dinner) that it’s not hard to impose them. Even though the kid may certainly show some dramatics, you can just walk away! Not easy at all at first, which is why weekly or even biweekly therapy support is so crucial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The key is to determine how she behaves outside of the house. If the same - it's her. If not, it's your parenting.

That’s a weird take.

It’s kind of true. I lied a lot as a tween and teen to my parents, but not friends or teachers.

My parents weren’t good parents at all. I lied whenever I could to avoid their scorn and frequent disapproval.

well I 100% believe you, but in this case OP’s daughter is being violent. So it needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take her to a psychiatrist STAT. Compulsive lying and willingly hurting family members have nothing to do with ADD. She sounds like she needs PHP.

Agree on the psychiatrist. Lying can be an issue with ADHD, as can impulse control, but this sounds different. Is there a chance your DD believes her lies? Like she's caught up in her emotions and truly feels like the things that she says are real? I don't know if a psychiatrist could diagnose at this age (it depends on what it is), but I bet they might have some ideas on first steps.
--Another SN mom

[Anonymous]

The biting and other physical aggressions are concerning.

I agree with the PP who said to start with your Pediatrician. Call and ask for a time to discuss these issues with the doctor, who can point you in a direction.