Reply to Help me understand DD's lying and aggression

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thank you. I'll try to answer questions.

- I have tried taking away items or opportunities as punishment. I have never seen that work with her. I'm not saying it couldn't, just that I don't think it has, and maybe I haven't selected the right things or escalated the punishments appropriately.

- She's generally pretty busy after school and on weekends because she plays on several sports teams. She doesn't have much screen time, but she does slip in more screen time than necessary for homework.

- I would love to connect with her more. I often feel desperate to do so. Sometimes I spend the day begging to, proposing one activity after another, but she rarely takes me up on the offer.

- When I ask her why she engaged in this kind of behavior, the answer is always the kind of circulate deflection I described, e.g., that *I* got mad at her, even though of course I didn't get mad until after she'd engaged in the behavior.

- I take the point about not sparring with her. Just impose the discipline and maybe save the conversation about why for later, when the emotion has passed.

- She sometimes is physical with her brother. She will sometimes bite, scratch, or punch him. He might be doing things to get under her skin in those moments, but he's not threatening her physically.  I am not aware of her doing this sort of thing with anyone else.

- Yes, I don't know how to deal with this. Dealing with lying and punishment with my son is very different and much more the kind of dynamic I would expect from a teen.[/quote]

OP you sound like a really good father and are just at a loss of what to do, as I would be also.  Reading your posts, I don't think you doing anything wrong or disproportionate to whatever her misbehavior happens to be. I also don’t think you can fix this alone.  It sounds like something is going on with her mentally: bipolar, borderline personality, adhd in there maybe? But her behavior is not and reactions are not in the spectrum of normal teen.  So stop blaming herself and view this as she has a medical (mental) problem she needs help sorting out and get to it.  Maybe start with your pediatrician.  Write them a note/email first so you aren’t in the room having your daughter deny your narrative when you go in.  While pediatrician won’t get to the bottom of this, I think they can point you to the appropriate next step. Good luck[/quote]

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