Why does it feel like divorced friends always have a whole new life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and nothing has changed. It's been almost 5 years.

My friends are the same; however, these were my friends before I got married. There were never "couple friends." I was married for a decade.

I don't feel that I have a new life at all. It is just work and kids--just like before.

This is the way it is for every divorced person I know.

If your case is different, you were friends with some shitty people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read on here that divorced moms feel left out. I actually feel like the divorcing moms distance themselves from their old friends.

I have one friend who was a good family friend of ours. Our kids were best friends. We used to hang out together all the time as families. Then Covid hit and she got divorced and she wants nothing to do with me or my child. Her ex husband is still friends with mine.

Another friend is divorcing now. I met them as a couple and we were close for over a decade. We were pregnant together. Our husbands were good friends. I know she is dating. She seems to want nothing to do with us and has made all these new party friends.

It's called moving on. Obviously, both women are interested in a completely fresh start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like friends get split in the divorce. It depends who took custody of you.

This. In the examples OP gave, her DH is friends with the ex-DH. Of course the woman won't feel comfortable hanging out now. A lot of people dislike their ex-spouse so much that they don't want anything to do with them, including old friends.

Exactly. My ex abused me. If you're still friends with him, I don't want to hang out. I definitely don't want word of my life getting back to him.

No contact means exactly that. The collateral damage is part of why it sucks so hard.

Still worth it for my freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the women I know who divorced (none were close friends) seemed to regress from their 40s-50s to their 20s after divorce. They started posting photos on social of themselves in skimpy clothes holding wine glasses, got lots of plastic surgery, were constantly at bars and dating lots of different men. Which, fine, but it’s not my lifestyle anymore and hasn’t been for decades, so kind of hard to relate. As a result the friendships drift apart.

That sounds exactly like my ex wife. She is living her life. I mean good for her. But it also appears that her AdHD and mental health issues got worse and she is definitely drinking more. But I do know thought of you are a man you should be very careful about judging a divorced woman who is living her life.

[Anonymous]

I realized I had some fair weather friends. They couldn’t be bothered to check on me when I was at rock bottom. They always remembered my bday when it was drinks and trips, but not a peep my first solo bday. If I talked even a bit about my struggles, they’d change the subject. It’s hard to get past and made me reconsider friends who treated my divorce as an unspeakable crime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really hard, and people gravitate to others who are divorced because they understand. The divorced person also might feel kind of left out when around happy married people, and feel like they have more in common with single people.

I still have married friends. But my best friend is divorced and she has been soooo understanding. Any of my friends - straight or lgbtq, if they went through it, they know. It's a chasm.

While they may think I envy them, sometimes I actually view some married women as quaint and feel sorry for them. Just the ones who are trying very hard on social media to appear perfect wives and moms. I see it and think, Oh honey, bless your heart, I've been there.

Perhaps you lost your vision since being divorced and "free". Perhaps those married women are actually happy and enjoy being married moms. Divorced people sometimes are judgmental toward people who are still married and happy. Sorry your divorce failed get over it.

"Some" does not equal "all." You're very insecure with poor reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like friends get split in the divorce. It depends who took custody of you.

This. In the examples OP gave, her DH is friends with the ex-DH. Of course the woman won't feel comfortable hanging out now. A lot of people dislike their ex-spouse so much that they don't want anything to do with them, including old friends.

DP. This dynamic is often even more difficult where the divorce happens because the exH did something bad. I did not want to remain friends with his friends because either they knew he cheated on me repeatedly and did not tell me or they didn’t know, but since they were still friends with him, I would have to keep quiet about it in order to maintain friendship with them. Continuing the friendship was just going to be really inauthentic, so I didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s bc there is so much judgment, shaming, pity, condescension and sanctimony from married people once you’re getting divorced—plus all the fear about contagion, about divorced women being husband stealers, or easy pickings, or selfish/flaky/unreliable parents. It can be really horrible being on the receiving end of all the undeserved crap people throw at you to see what sticks.

You become a foil for other people’s fears and stereotypes.

So true. Nicely put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realized I had some fair weather friends. They couldn’t be bothered to check on me when I was at rock bottom. They always remembered my bday when it was drinks and trips, but not a peep my first solo bday. If I talked even a bit about my struggles, they’d change the subject. It’s hard to get past and made me reconsider friends who treated my divorce as an unspeakable crime.

It is very unfair. I am a divorced man and my male friends have been nothing but supportive. Female dynamics are sometimes challenging and it seems women tend to be more on the receiving ends as far criticism, stigma etc.

[Anonymous]

There is a huge drop in prestige for a woman and usually in finances also. Often they can’t keep up with a group that it turns out was based at least in part on social standing. Another reason to hate HCOL areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like friends get split in the divorce. It depends who took custody of you.

This. In the examples OP gave, her DH is friends with the ex-DH. Of course the woman won't feel comfortable hanging out now. A lot of people dislike their ex-spouse so much that they don't want anything to do with them, including old friends.

Exactly. My ex abused me. If you're still friends with him, I don't want to hang out. I definitely don't want word of my life getting back to him.

No contact means exactly that. The collateral damage is part of why it sucks so hard.

Still worth it for my freedom.

Same. While I never told my friends to choose between us, I still (unfairly?) judge them for hanging out with an abuser even if I am not there. That really throws some water on my ability to trust and meaningfully hang out with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like friends get split in the divorce. It depends who took custody of you.

This. In the examples OP gave, her DH is friends with the ex-DH. Of course the woman won't feel comfortable hanging out now. A lot of people dislike their ex-spouse so much that they don't want anything to do with them, including old friends.

DP. This dynamic is often even more difficult where the divorce happens because the exH did something bad. I did not want to remain friends with his friends because either they knew he cheated on me repeatedly and did not tell me or they didn’t know, but since they were still friends with him, I would have to keep quiet about it in order to maintain friendship with them. Continuing the friendship was just going to be really inauthentic, so I didn’t.

Completely agree. In most cases, shared friends tended to be people I initially knew through XH (spouses of work colleagues), and I just wanted to sever the link entirely. I didn’t want to have to pretend (like he did) that it was an amicable separation and I didn’t want to be accused of interference with his job and I really, REALLY didn’t want to hear about his new life.

All of my other friends are still my friends – married, divorced, never married. That part doesn’t matter to me. They know I’m not after their partners and I have the same quiet life I had before. No partying, no dating, just work and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the women I know who divorced (none were close friends) seemed to regress from their 40s-50s to their 20s after divorce. They started posting photos on social of themselves in skimpy clothes holding wine glasses, got lots of plastic surgery, were constantly at bars and dating lots of different men. Which, fine, but it’s not my lifestyle anymore and hasn’t been for decades, so kind of hard to relate. As a result the friendships drift apart.

Have you ever thought about why YOUR FRIENDS are like that, while my friends are golfing, doing yoga, and spending tons of time with family and grandchildren.

Uh, are you attacking me for the quality of my friends or something? What a strange post. You have no idea who I am, and you are being odd about pointing out that your friends golf or whatever. You seem like a really unhappy person if you come at an internet stranger like this, and I'm sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like friends get split in the divorce. It depends who took custody of you.

This. In the examples OP gave, her DH is friends with the ex-DH. Of course the woman won't feel comfortable hanging out now. A lot of people dislike their ex-spouse so much that they don't want anything to do with them, including old friends.

Exactly. My ex abused me. If you're still friends with him, I don't want to hang out. I definitely don't want word of my life getting back to him.

No contact means exactly that. The collateral damage is part of why it sucks so hard.

Still worth it for my freedom.

Same. While I never told my friends to choose between us, I still (unfairly?) judge them for hanging out with an abuser even if I am not there. That really throws some water on my ability to trust and meaningfully hang out with them.

This. Once I told a few friends what actually happened, the pro-women ones were quick to say he was a jerk. We've stayed friends. The friends I lost had a lot of internalized misogyny and said some hurtful stuff and some even stayed in contact with XH. The women's women are easily identified during a divorce process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the women I know who divorced (none were close friends) seemed to regress from their 40s-50s to their 20s after divorce. They started posting photos on social of themselves in skimpy clothes holding wine glasses, got lots of plastic surgery, were constantly at bars and dating lots of different men. Which, fine, but it’s not my lifestyle anymore and hasn’t been for decades, so kind of hard to relate. As a result the friendships drift apart.

Have you ever thought about why YOUR FRIENDS are like that, while my friends are golfing, doing yoga, and spending tons of time with family and grandchildren.

Uh, are you attacking me for the quality of my friends or something? What a strange post. You have no idea who I am, and you are being odd about pointing out that your friends golf or whatever. You seem like a really unhappy person if you come at an internet stranger like this, and I'm sorry for you.

Not attacking but you need to choose better friends.