Flaky friend? Why is it so hard for people to communicate…

[Anonymous]

Well she responded….

She said,

“ We didn’t come up with concrete plans.


I communicated my uncertainty about Saturday very clearly, multiple times. Before you even took your trip I told you I wasn’t sure how long my family would be around, that I had plans both days, and wasn’t sure which time would be best.

Having things to do Saturday with my family, especially being with my mother’s sisters was very important given what’s going on with our family/grieving. Being with them took precedent, so my mind was not on regularly updating you, given that I made it clear I was unsure how Saturday was to play out and why I couldn’t give you a definitive time. However, despite wanting to be with my family, I was still hoping to fit you in but it didn’t work out. Yet you browbeat me for “not keeping my word” and failing to communicate satisfactorily about hanging out with you, again when no time, no place had been established- only tentative plans.

I’m not interested in continuing to go back and forth. Like I said, wish you the best”

[Anonymous]

She is handling this well. Do you normally struggle with friendships and communication? I think to most of us we clearly see where she was coming from and how she communicated to you. It was pretty clear all along she was busy but was hoping to fit you in. Your lack of understanding and then being upset about it seems like maybe you struggle a bit with social situations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well she responded….

She said,

“ We didn’t come up with concrete plans.


I communicated my uncertainty about Saturday very clearly, multiple times. Before you even took your trip I told you I wasn’t sure how long my family would be around, that I had plans both days, and wasn’t sure which time would be best.

Having things to do Saturday with my family, especially being with my mother’s sisters was very important given what’s going on with our family/grieving. Being with them took precedent, so my mind was not on regularly updating you, given that I made it clear I was unsure how Saturday was to play out and why I couldn’t give you a definitive time. However, despite wanting to be with my family, I was still hoping to fit you in but it didn’t work out. Yet you browbeat me for “not keeping my word” and failing to communicate satisfactorily about hanging out with you, again when no time, no place had been established- only tentative plans.

I’m not interested in continuing to go back and forth. Like I said, wish you the best”

Aww shucks, OP's a troll. Compare the quote from OP's "friend" that OP posted above to the admonishment that I posted to OP last night at 22:57:

"Yet you browbeat this woman - who you haven't seen in years - over text for failing to communicate satisfactorily about hanging out with you when she's given clear signals she's overwhelmed and it's not a good time."

You're a gem OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The woman's mom had just passed and she's probably still managing the estate or whatever, she had to help her aunt and cousin with an event, and she had her brother's birthday that weekend - all while carrying the weight of fresh grief from the mother's passing. Yet you browbeat this woman - who you haven't seen in years - over text for failing to communicate satisfactorily about hanging out with you when she's given clear signals she's overwhelmed and it's not a good time.

There is a person here who is not considerate, and it's not the friend.

+1

[Anonymous]

When I reach out to old friends, some bend over backwards to see me while others seem lukewarm. Op, it is pretty obvious this person was never that into meeting you. Her mother passed recently and already had family plans. She told you this. You had no set plans. I would not have planned around this meeting of an old friend.

[Anonymous]

I think that person just doesn't really want to be friends with you anymore Op. Now you are forcing it and making it really awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not close, if you haven’t seen her or spoken to her in many years.

And you’re hounding her for an audience after her mother just died?! Shame on you. Her mother just died and you are giving her lectures on “keeping her word”? She is GRIEVING, you moron.

What does grieving have to do with being respectful and communicating with someone, even a quick text?

Grief = you have a hard time focusing and functioning, AND when it is the death of a parent, you are likely being pulled in a thousand directions paying the funeral vendors, thanking friends of the deceased who came to the funeral, answering estate questions, dealing with lawyers, turning off phones and credit cards, etc.

Think. It. Through. If you just buried your MOTHER, would you have the bandwidth for some random friend you haven’t seen or spoken to in years? And even in a moment of hope or guilt or longing for normalcy, if you did make semi-plans that weren’t firmed up, would you really have the capacity to firm things up? Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not close, if you haven’t seen her or spoken to her in many years.

And you’re hounding her for an audience after her mother just died?! Shame on you. Her mother just died and you are giving her lectures on “keeping her word”? She is GRIEVING, you moron.

What does grieving have to do with being respectful and communicating with someone, even a quick text?

NP. Her mother had only just passed away a week prior? What on earth is wrong with you?

No, she passed away in early August.

…So what?

My God, I am so glad you are not my friend.

Unless you want to reveal something about yourself like you are on the spectrum or have some other atypical personality disorder or what have you, just know that you are the absolute worst and that her “losing” you as a friend is a GIFT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not close, if you haven’t seen her or spoken to her in many years.

And you’re hounding her for an audience after her mother just died?! Shame on you. Her mother just died and you are giving her lectures on “keeping her word”? She is GRIEVING, you moron.

What does grieving have to do with being respectful and communicating with someone, even a quick text?

The fact that you even have to ask that is so cringe.

Read the room. Her “quick text” had already happened. It was ti say “yeah I’m
Super busy but if I have time we can see each other” and she didn’t really have time and you aren’t her priority right now. Get over it. She was trying to tell you that in a nice way without saying “Omg my mom just died! I dont want to hang out with you when you come to town “
So instead she just left it open ended and a “we’ll see” situation.

But her mom didn’t just die though. It’s been a month.

Troll, narcissist, Aspie, take your pick. I don’t really care anymore. Eff off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not close, if you haven’t seen her or spoken to her in many years.

And you’re hounding her for an audience after her mother just died?! Shame on you. Her mother just died and you are giving her lectures on “keeping her word”? She is GRIEVING, you moron.

This. And it also doesn’t sound like you had confirmed plans.

So what? Having no confirmed plans means you can’t keep someone in the loop?

She didn’t actually want to see him (because he’s a pushy creeper). So she was purposefully not keeping him in the loop.

I had wondered if OP was the woman's ex. It reads like a pushy romantic interest and a woman trying to sidestep him.

But, repeatedly saying "it's been a month" about the mom's death makes me think it's just a troll stirring people up. Good thread if so, you got DCUM unanimity.

I’m not her ex. She’s just an old friend I haven’t seen in a while. I keep saying it’s been a month because you all keep saying she “just died” - if her mom had just died I would’ve given her more space for sure. I’m not some jerk who was trying to usurp her time if her mom had just passed away. That’s why I wanted to make the clarification of when she passed.

A month = just died. She is busy with grief, family, and who knows what. How many times are you going to keep texting someone you have not seen or talked to in years? Please give some space. She knows how to reach you.

[Anonymous]

OMFG her mom JUST DIED, OP.

[Anonymous]

A month is nothing when your mom just died. I was a mess for many months (probably a year) after my dad passed.

[Anonymous]

OP, your friend likely was not even in the mood to visit w/friends since her Mother had recently passed.

She was likely still very traumatized by her profound loss & possibly didn’t want to hurt your feelings by declining.

Imo, you should not have put her in such an awkward position.

But even if you never mentioned to us that her Mother recently died - I think she told you that she didn’t know when her family would be leaving so that meant that she wasn’t sure if she could even meet up.
In other words > meeting up was contingent on her family leaving.

And she had zero idea that you were staying in town just to see her.

I think you should apologize to this friend.
It is unfair for her to have to deal w/this situation so soon after losing her beloved Mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m exhausted for this person just from reading your post. They don’t have time for you right now. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not close, if you haven’t seen her or spoken to her in many years.

And you’re hounding her for an audience after her mother just died?! Shame on you. Her mother just died and you are giving her lectures on “keeping her word”? She is GRIEVING, you moron.

What does grieving have to do with being respectful and communicating with someone, even a quick text?

Literally everything.