Is this an American mom thing or specific to my kids school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently saw a friend who moved to the UK some years ago, and we discussed cultural differences. She said one thing that sticks out to her is Brits will complain about things or express dissatisfaction with something, but do nothing about it. Americans do see everything as a problem to be solved.

I think this is a cultural difference but disagree with your description because I think British people also solve problems all the time. It's not like British people are just falling apart unable to function -- they are as functional as Americans are on average. And there are plenty of Americans who struggle to solve problems in their own lives.

The distinction is about how people approach social interactions. I just think Americans will sometimes bring an almost professional problem-solving approach to social interactions whereas Brits (and people in many cultures) consider this rude and impersonal. Like I have no problem being a problem solver at work or at home but if I'm just chatting with someone outside the school or bump into a mom friend at the grocery store I don't have that mindset and we can complain or commiserate and it doesn't have to be results-oriented. Especially because a lot of the stuff we might commiserate on is not really a problem to be solved. A lot of parenting is just necessary drudgery and you can't fix that -- it's part of the deal.

I think many Americans refuse to accept this though -- the idea that some aspects of life just kind of suck and you have to put up with them or muddle through and there are no "hacks" or short cuts.

Also it seems like many American parents actually make parenting *harder* with all their "problem-solving." Often they invent problems that weren't there or impose impossible parameters on aspects of parenting that were a little hard but manageable. Like I actually think it's more productive to just complain a bit about how kids can sometimes be picky eaters and that's annoying and then move on. Like I'll say "ugh my kid asked for mac and cheese for dinner and then I made it and they wouldn't eat it so irritating" and the response will be "oh what you really need to do is be serving her more lentils -- did you know the nutritional content of mac and cheese is basically nil why don't you make all your bread products from scratch." Like that's not actually helpful.

That has not been my experience. If you said the thing about mac and cheese I would have not said anything about making lentils. I would have said yes that's frustrating.

I find your anaysis of American parents rather simplistic and wrong.

I only give 'advice' to other people I am close too. If you are an acquaintaince there is no reason to delve deeper on mac and cheese. That isn't even a problem!

So the op seeks closeness but Americans seek sharing information with close friends. By shutting us down you won't get the tribe you seek.

So OP's problem I guess is that she doesn't already have close friends in the US. OP just go back in time and develop close friendships with the other moms earlier so you would already be friends with them and then you wouldn't find their advice giving annoying. I guess.

Great advice. Totally fixed it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe stop looking for friends at your children’s school and seek friendships organically wherever they happen. I don’t understand why so many people think their kids school is a friendship warehouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It must be specific to the type of women you are engaging with. I’ve never had this experience.

This, but I also think UK culture is just different in this way. Americans are can-do, problem-solvers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently saw a friend who moved to the UK some years ago, and we discussed cultural differences. She said one thing that sticks out to her is Brits will complain about things or express dissatisfaction with something, but do nothing about it. Americans do see everything as a problem to be solved.

I think this is a cultural difference but disagree with your description because I think British people also solve problems all the time. It's not like British people are just falling apart unable to function -- they are as functional as Americans are on average. And there are plenty of Americans who struggle to solve problems in their own lives.

The distinction is about how people approach social interactions. I just think Americans will sometimes bring an almost professional problem-solving approach to social interactions whereas Brits (and people in many cultures) consider this rude and impersonal. Like I have no problem being a problem solver at work or at home but if I'm just chatting with someone outside the school or bump into a mom friend at the grocery store I don't have that mindset and we can complain or commiserate and it doesn't have to be results-oriented. Especially because a lot of the stuff we might commiserate on is not really a problem to be solved. A lot of parenting is just necessary drudgery and you can't fix that -- it's part of the deal.

I think many Americans refuse to accept this though -- the idea that some aspects of life just kind of suck and you have to put up with them or muddle through and there are no "hacks" or short cuts.

Also it seems like many American parents actually make parenting *harder* with all their "problem-solving." Often they invent problems that weren't there or impose impossible parameters on aspects of parenting that were a little hard but manageable. Like I actually think it's more productive to just complain a bit about how kids can sometimes be picky eaters and that's annoying and then move on. Like I'll say "ugh my kid asked for mac and cheese for dinner and then I made it and they wouldn't eat it so irritating" and the response will be "oh what you really need to do is be serving her more lentils -- did you know the nutritional content of mac and cheese is basically nil why don't you make all your bread products from scratch." Like that's not actually helpful.

That has not been my experience. If you said the thing about mac and cheese I would have not said anything about making lentils. I would have said yes that's frustrating.

I find your anaysis of American parents rather simplistic and wrong.

I only give 'advice' to other people I am close too. If you are an acquaintaince there is no reason to delve deeper on mac and cheese. That isn't even a problem!

So the op seeks closeness but Americans seek sharing information with close friends. By shutting us down you won't get the tribe you seek.

So OP's problem I guess is that she doesn't already have close friends in the US. OP just go back in time and develop close friendships with the other moms earlier so you would already be friends with them and then you wouldn't find their advice giving annoying. I guess.

Great advice. Totally fixed it.

I mean, kind of, if you want to make friends, you should try to stop making up inane excuses to not like people who are reaching out to bond with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe stop looking for friends at your children’s school and seek friendships organically wherever they happen. I don’t understand why so many people think their kids school is a friendship warehouse.

Children's school is a wherever to seek friendships organically.

[Anonymous]

"Is this an American mom thing or specific to my kids school?"

OP is asking at which level she should apply her stereotype, blind to the idea that maybe she should stop stereotyping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe stop looking for friends at your children’s school and seek friendships organically wherever they happen. I don’t understand why so many people think their kids school is a friendship warehouse.

I don't think anyone thinks school is a "friendship warehouse."

I think parenting occupies a lot of our time and when kids go to elementary you are thrown together with a bunch of other families and people instinctually look to form relationships with at least some of them to make it more comfortable. In the same way that kids starting school look to create friendships or how if you start a new job you will look for one or two people to become "work friends" with. It makes the social aspect of having kids at a school easier and more comfortable when you even just have one familiar face or one or two people you can comfortable chat with during events.

I imagine being new to the country would exacerbate this problem because you might not have other friends due to having moved here more recently and not having grown up or gone to college here. While I totally understand the desire to develop friendships with at least a few other parents at your kids' school (and relate to how this can be challenging at times) I have lived in DC for nearly 30 years and have a decent number of both close friends and friendly acquaintances in this area so I'm not looking to fill my social card with parents from school. OP doesn't have that advantage so it's reasonable that she'd be more frustrated by the challenges of developing social bonds at the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a DC thing where many of us have wonky policy backgrounds and see parenting as a series of problems to be solved. I think you just have to keep trying and find your people. I have one mom friend who I enjoy because we have the same perspective on schools - we’re both kind if tiger-parenty, which is VERY frowned upon in our neighborhood (apparently you’re supposed to go straight from “play based” schools to your child being naturally “advanced,” with no effort). I have another mom friend who shares my take on the nature of tween boys. But a lot of mom friends in between where I would never broach any parenting subject at all, because I don’t know what’s a hot issue with them.

Another cultural aspect is that Americans don’t always understand “taking the piss” … especially about kids! That’s my form of humor personally (maybe thanks to Grandma from Dover?) but a lot of Americans don’t get it. If I heard you complain about your youtuber kids I would get it! But there are a lot of, erm, humor impaired people around here.

op - haha you get it!
yes i find if i ever do the british thing of being honest (eg saying that some of my kids art is terrible and deserves to go in the bin immediately) I get a lot of raised eyebrows.

omg I would laugh. that’s almost a litmus test for who to be friends with.

I also think British humor is delivered in a much dryer way than American humor, and they may literally take this as your saying your kid sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It must be specific to the type of women you are engaging with. I’ve never had this experience.

This, but I also think UK culture is just different in this way. Americans are can-do, problem-solvers.

I actually think many Americans would think it's pretty distasteful to make fun of your kids unless you want to do something about it. other things ar more on-limits.

OP, I am in the opposite position and curious what your reflections on US v UK private schools are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re at a DCPS and haven’t had this problem. I’m sure these types exist but it’s not the norm. Sounds like a private school type of thing?

this was my thought. or a suburban thing.

at our DCPS the competition goes the opposite way. like if you say your kid willingly eats lentils instead of kraft mac and cheese, people look at you like you have two heads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently saw a friend who moved to the UK some years ago, and we discussed cultural differences. She said one thing that sticks out to her is Brits will complain about things or express dissatisfaction with something, but do nothing about it. Americans do see everything as a problem to be solved.

op - i dont know if i agree with that i think it's a bit more nuanced.
I am actually a huge problem solver and see everything as a problem to be solved. AND sometimes give people advice too. But typically when I give people advice it's because they've said a sentence like "I don't know what to do' or 'I'm completely stuck' or something like that.
Brits do like to complain that's true, as a nation. but what your friend might be missing is that a lot of what seems like brits complaining might be brits trying to bond with her over shared experience. rather than a 'real' problem they need to solve.
Like maybe here when a mom tells me something great about her kid she is trying to bond with me? That would never naturally occur to me unless I analyzed it.

OP, the person above who has the opposite (in UK). I do think problem solving is American vs. what does come across as the (comparatively) resigned British nature.
But if you are complaining because it's fun and bonding, from an American perspective, it just feels tired and cynical at times.

[Anonymous]

This isn't an American thing. It sounds it's just a thing in certain groups--upperclass/high HHI WASP-y types. I don't hang around people like that as my kids go to a public community school in our very middle class neighborhood and play rec sports/do rec center activities so most other parents we encounter are way more laid back and not so competitive with each other.

[Anonymous]

This is person specific. Some people are fixers by nature, that's just how they go. Sometimes when a friend is venting I feel out if they're just venting or want help. Especially over text, it can be hard to know.

[Anonymous]

OP I bet you get more random advice from other parents specifically because you aren't from the US. Like part of this might be a school culture or DC culture thing but also it might just be part of your immigrant experience. And this might also be why it's annoying you so much. These other parents might be assuming that you need help because you aren't "from here" and think they are doing you a favor by filling you in on how Americans parent or solve certain parenting problems. But also that attitude is kind of inherently condescending (just because you are from another country doesn't mean you need help parenting) so you may be responding to that condescension. But the people doing it might not even realize they are doing it.

I think the people in the thread talking about how they bond with their friends by sharing advice and knowledge about parenting are having a fundamentally different experience than what you are having because they are on equal footing with those friends whereas you may feel like the moms at your kids' school are kind of talking down to you.

Also I would not be surprised if they feel intimidated because you are British and a lot of status-conscious Americans think British people are automatically higher status (and also in the DC area there's a lot of caché around being from another country especially if you are hear working in diplomacy or for an NGO or similar). So some of the advice giving might be an effort to assert themselves with you and make themselves feel better because of a perceived inferiority.

I think your experience is unique.

[Anonymous]

It's not an American culture thing, but it's a subculture thing. There are moms who are very much FTK in American culture, who bond over making fun of terrible artwork and exhausting bedtimes and the rest, and there are moms who are Would You Believe What Larla Accomplished moms, who only highlight the positive and often think their child's normal kid accomplishments are spellbinding (a cartwheel! on her third try!!!).

The ones who try to solve every problem are usually FTMs or very Type A, or don't know what you're looking for in the conversation and are trying to connect by keeping it going but failing by misreading your cues. Your assumption that they are offering advice because think you're hapless feels a little fatalistic, honestly.