Am I being taken advantage of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday someone needs to write a book about the historic transition from neighborliness to paid labor. Every single thing now has become itemized and billed, grandparents don’t want to babysit for free, neighbors don’t want to water plants for free, everyone is paranoid looking over their shoulder for fear of being taken advantage of. And before you come at me, I am a SAHM who doesn’t use anyone’s services and am definitely taken advantage of by family members to petsit/housesit/help out with errands when I don’t myself don’t need these.

OP, you will become very free when you finally decide what you will do cheerfully out of kindness to another human being even if they are taking advantage of ought to pay. It’s not about them at all, it’s about how you want to look back at your life on your deathbed. Were you hoarding love, resentful and taking out your ledger to account for everything people took? Or did you say f*** it, I will love people regardless of their intentions and maybe see what good comes to you when you are generous.

It isn't an either or situation. I doubt that the op at age 90 will look back and remember this kid at all unless she has to do this for five years!

Of course she won’t remember the kid (though he might remember her!), but she will think about the life she led and what type of person she was. And it’s your choice every day who you want to be at 90, a miser who counted every voluntary act as a debt owed by another, or as a generous, cheerful and loving woman who people remember for her kindness.

Again it doesn't have to be so stark. Just because someone is unable to help this mom in this situation does not mean she is NOT a generous, cheerful loving woman. We all have limited time and energy so I don't consider it 'miserly' to know your limits. It's ok as women to have boundaries! For me, walking the kid home isn't the problem. The problem happens when there is no flexibility and it is seen as a given that I do it every day. What if I am sick? Or my kids? Or we have a doctor's appointment? The person who is responsible for this child is his parents. Once in a while or an emergency fine but, it is not the job of op to do this every day. It does NOT make her a bad person either.

Do you give you free time to every person who asks? If so, are your needs or your families' needs unmet?

Then talk to the other mom about flexibility…. tell her that you may have doc appointments or aftercare activities or whatever. This is really not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see this as a big deal, but I’m
A helper.

If you don’t want to take him to the park, walk him across the road that’s if issue, and continue along to the park, although I can’t see how having one extra kid at the park you’re going to anyway is some kind of insurmountable burden. You’ve done it twice and are already complaining- why not stop now?

He’s a new kid. I’m guessing in a few weeks, once he knows the route, he will be able to go home himself. Next year, he could help your kids home.

Honestly, I can’t imagine being this petty, but you do you.

so you can't imagine a situation where your kids want your attention? What if the kid broke his arm? Then what? That isn't being petty. Op has enough to care for her children. It isn't her responsibility to care for this neighbor's kid at the playground!

Are you for real? Like honestly? The hand wringing number of flaming hyperbolic hoops that people will jump through just to not be a good person for something that really isn’t a huge undertaking. If it feels like a huge deal, then say no.

OP is there with her kids if they need her. Most kids just want to play at the playground. If kid breaks his arm (which is not exactly a daily occurrence), then OP can call his parent and seek the appropriate interim care.

What she really needs to worry about is the possibility of the zombie apocolypse coming when she has another kid, amirite?

I’m a worrier and think of everything to worry about. But sometimes you just have to accept you can’t control everything. It really bothers me that people are throwing up hypothetical scenarios (what if he breaks his arm! what if…) to get out of helping a single mom and child!

I'm the one who suggested a 'broken arm" All I am saying is my kids after school wanted to talk to me about their problems while they were fresh in their minds. They would not want a boy around listening! Once in a while is fine but everyday is a burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m actually shocked that anyone would think you should be paid for this. You’re walking your kids anyway. You’re being neighborly with no downside to you. What a weird response from people in your life!

And on this thread!

I don't think anyone has said she should be paid but, if it inconveniences op ( kids want to go to playground, are sick or have a doctor's appointment) it is not op's job to find someone to walk Billy home!

Oh did they sign a contract? Were you part of the conversation and heard that the other mom said she expected OP to walk her kid home 100% of the time and required a substitute if not? This can be easily solved by communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday someone needs to write a book about the historic transition from neighborliness to paid labor. Every single thing now has become itemized and billed, grandparents don’t want to babysit for free, neighbors don’t want to water plants for free, everyone is paranoid looking over their shoulder for fear of being taken advantage of. And before you come at me, I am a SAHM who doesn’t use anyone’s services and am definitely taken advantage of by family members to petsit/housesit/help out with errands when I don’t myself don’t need these.

OP, you will become very free when you finally decide what you will do cheerfully out of kindness to another human being even if they are taking advantage of ought to pay. It’s not about them at all, it’s about how you want to look back at your life on your deathbed. Were you hoarding love, resentful and taking out your ledger to account for everything people took? Or did you say f*** it, I will love people regardless of their intentions and maybe see what good comes to you when you are generous.

It isn't an either or situation. I doubt that the op at age 90 will look back and remember this kid at all unless she has to do this for five years!

Of course she won’t remember the kid (though he might remember her!), but she will think about the life she led and what type of person she was. And it’s your choice every day who you want to be at 90, a miser who counted every voluntary act as a debt owed by another, or as a generous, cheerful and loving woman who people remember for her kindness.

Again it doesn't have to be so stark. Just because someone is unable to help this mom in this situation does not mean she is NOT a generous, cheerful loving woman. We all have limited time and energy so I don't consider it 'miserly' to know your limits. It's ok as women to have boundaries! For me, walking the kid home isn't the problem. The problem happens when there is no flexibility and it is seen as a given that I do it every day. What if I am sick? Or my kids? Or we have a doctor's appointment? The person who is responsible for this child is his parents. Once in a while or an emergency fine but, it is not the job of op to do this every day. It does NOT make her a bad person either.

Do you give you free time to every person who asks? If so, are your needs or your families' needs unmet?

Then talk to the other mom about flexibility…. tell her that you may have doc appointments or aftercare activities or whatever. This is really not hard.

For you. But for some people it is awkward to say that you can't do it everyday. Again it is the parent's job to find a way to get their son home, not op. This is the reason I had only TWO kids because I did not want to care for a third one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m actually shocked that anyone would think you should be paid for this. You’re walking your kids anyway. You’re being neighborly with no downside to you. What a weird response from people in your life!

And on this thread!

I don't think anyone has said she should be paid but, if it inconveniences op ( kids want to go to playground, are sick or have a doctor's appointment) it is not op's job to find someone to walk Billy home!

Oh did they sign a contract? Were you part of the conversation and heard that the other mom said she expected OP to walk her kid home 100% of the time and required a substitute if not? This can be easily solved by communication.

If it was so easy than op would not have started a thread. This type of thing is 'just understood' Unless the boy's mom said can you help him out for the first few weeks ONLY why would you assume it wouldn't be everyday? Billy's mom is probably thinking op and her kids have to walk home everyday. What's the big deal ( according to you)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single mother in my neighborhood asked if her 4th grader could walk home with me and my 1st and 3rd graders this year as she couldn't be there for pickup. There is a busy intersection with no crossing guard she isn't comfortable with him crossing and he is new in the school this year and doesn't know anyone. He is home alone for about 45 mins before she gets home. We are friendly with the neighbor and kid and my 3rd grader plays with him sometimes but we don't know them super well. I felt bad and wasn't prepared for this ask and said sure. All of my friends and husband are shocked I did not ask to get paid for this. Should I have? FTR there is a bus and he could take the bus and walk from the neighborhood bus stop home so its not like they have 0 options. I'm also a SAHM if that makes a difference.

Also the last 2 days since its been nice my kids wanted to go to the playground after school so we took this with us so I ended up watching him for like half an hour both those days.

I can’t believe your friends and husband’s reaction. Or do you feel self conscious saying you are annoyed at the request and putting words in their mouth? Or are all Americans this selfish? This is why they complain there is no “village.”

[Anonymous]

Your DH and friends sound extremely paranoid. Unless it becomes a problem, keep doing what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

I do think you are being taken advantage of a little. But I also think it’s ok.

I would let the mom know that you may end up not being able to do it some days due to illness, appts, etc and you would like to know she has backup available on those days.

It is one extra thing you have to worry about/plan around every single day. Like you said, you can’t just decide to play at the playground any day without also making sure this kid is ok with doing that.

If you get sick in the middle of the day, you can’t just get another parent to help you out. You now have to arrange for that kid too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see this as a big deal, but I’m
A helper.

If you don’t want to take him to the park, walk him across the road that’s if issue, and continue along to the park, although I can’t see how having one extra kid at the park you’re going to anyway is some kind of insurmountable burden. You’ve done it twice and are already complaining- why not stop now?

He’s a new kid. I’m guessing in a few weeks, once he knows the route, he will be able to go home himself. Next year, he could help your kids home.

Honestly, I can’t imagine being this petty, but you do you.

so you can't imagine a situation where your kids want your attention? What if the kid broke his arm? Then what? That isn't being petty. Op has enough to care for her children. It isn't her responsibility to care for this neighbor's kid at the playground!

Are you for real? Like honestly? The hand wringing number of flaming hyperbolic hoops that people will jump through just to not be a good person for something that really isn’t a huge undertaking. If it feels like a huge deal, then say no.

OP is there with her kids if they need her. Most kids just want to play at the playground. If kid breaks his arm (which is not exactly a daily occurrence), then OP can call his parent and seek the appropriate interim care.

What she really needs to worry about is the possibility of the zombie apocolypse coming when she has another kid, amirite?

I’m a worrier and think of everything to worry about. But sometimes you just have to accept you can’t control everything. It really bothers me that people are throwing up hypothetical scenarios (what if he breaks his arm! what if…) to get out of helping a single mom and child!

I'm the one who suggested a 'broken arm" All I am saying is my kids after school wanted to talk to me about their problems while they were fresh in their minds. They would not want a boy around listening! Once in a while is fine but everyday is a burden.

So if this would not fit with your family and you find this a burden, then say no. There’s no need to agonize over this theoretical child breaking his arm if your life. You say no, and there is no burden on your life.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t ask to be paid, but I would set the expectation that I may not be available every day. The other mom may recognize that she just wanted a short term fix until the boy is comfortable walking home on his own or makes some friends.

I kind of see the arrangement as a car pool. I may be driving a kid now without any reciprocal benefits due to the parents’ work situation, but come Jan things will change. You may not know now, but you may need this family or child’s help at a later time.

I’m also curious how much your friend/husband think you should ask for? $10 a day? $100 a week?

[Anonymous]

Your husband and friends are greedy as all get out. And awkward. You would look absurd for asking to be paid for this.

[Anonymous]

Why can't the kids walk together as a group? That way you aren't taken advantage of, they are just walking home together or meeting up at a mid point?

I agree if you always go and it will never change, it would work but if there is any scenario where it changes you'll have to bear the burden of responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and friends are greedy as all get out. And awkward. You would look absurd for asking to be paid for this.

+1 agree! utterly absurd! What is wrong with your husband and friends? All terrible people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see this as a big deal, but I’m
A helper.

If you don’t want to take him to the park, walk him across the road that’s if issue, and continue along to the park, although I can’t see how having one extra kid at the park you’re going to anyway is some kind of insurmountable burden. You’ve done it twice and are already complaining- why not stop now?

He’s a new kid. I’m guessing in a few weeks, once he knows the route, he will be able to go home himself. Next year, he could help your kids home.

Honestly, I can’t imagine being this petty, but you do you.

so you can't imagine a situation where your kids want your attention? What if the kid broke his arm? Then what? That isn't being petty. Op has enough to care for her children. It isn't her responsibility to care for this neighbor's kid at the playground!

Are you for real? Like honestly? The hand wringing number of flaming hyperbolic hoops that people will jump through just to not be a good person for something that really isn’t a huge undertaking. If it feels like a huge deal, then say no.

OP is there with her kids if they need her. Most kids just want to play at the playground. If kid breaks his arm (which is not exactly a daily occurrence), then OP can call his parent and seek the appropriate interim care.

What she really needs to worry about is the possibility of the zombie apocolypse coming when she has another kid, amirite?

I’m a worrier and think of everything to worry about. But sometimes you just have to accept you can’t control everything. It really bothers me that people are throwing up hypothetical scenarios (what if he breaks his arm! what if…) to get out of helping a single mom and child!

I'm the one who suggested a 'broken arm" All I am saying is my kids after school wanted to talk to me about their problems while they were fresh in their minds. They would not want a boy around listening! Once in a while is fine but everyday is a burden.

My kids wanted to play with their friends when they left school everyday. Which is pretty much what we did in one way or another. Mostly spontaneous playground time. Maybe more play time and less talking would have helped with your kids problems.

[Anonymous]

A fourth grader is old enough to walk home alone and stay home for 45 min alone.

I’m a SAHM and would be happy to let the kid walk home with us but we are often busy right after school and would not want to be obligated to care for this kid daily. I would be very clear about that. I would not want to wait or look for the neighbor kid daily. If I wanted to talk to a friend or do an impromptu play date, this neighbor should not be part of the plan.