Reply to Declining estranged mother...next steps

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Declining estranged mother...next steps"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.[/quote]

Do you steal money from your children? Do you call your daughter a whore for having a child out of wedlock? Do you call your grandson a bastard? Because if you do, you are just like our mother.

SHE made her bed. She alienated her children, her siblings, her friends. To add insult to the injury, when she retired, no one wanted to throw her a going away party. No one. She worked there for 20+ years and has not made a single friend. Maybe to you we are horrible people. But it took us years to break away from her. [/quote]

Like I said, if you’re estranged, be estranged. Stay out of her affairs with her neighbors. If they contact you, say we don’t have a relationship and leave it at that. You seem to want vengeance. If she’s such a monster, it’s safer for you to leave her alone. You’re obviously really angry. I didn’t judge your choice to be estranged, but I’ll judge your active punishment. Just leave her alone. You can’t control her. You’re not responsible for her.

I have been responsible for most of the elder care in my large family, and it’s been a panoply of personalities including some abusive ones. There was one that I did not care for because of the level of abuse. But I didn’t sabotage her care either. I just stepped back and said I wasn’t caring for her. She was crazy violent with family and sweet with others. I’m sure her neighbors and friends had some opinions about me, but I don’t really care. They cared for her, she was fine, they were fine. That’s it. I didn’t go on a campaign to deprive her of what she had. [/quote]
Why are you trying to insinuate that OP is "sabotaging" her care? Where do you see her "actively punishing" her mom?? No where did she ever say that. And she doesnt sound like she wants vengeance, she sounds conflicted and extremely hurt. You should probably try reading the posts you respond to if you're going to bother giving "advice" - this is just admonishment. [/quote]
Because she’s talking about interfering with the neighbors. That’s not NC, it’s vengeance. [/quote]
How on earth did you determine she wants to interfere with the neighbors? I didn't read that at all?[/quote]

She’s very caught up in feeling badly for the neighbors and angry that her mother “masks” so well. If mom gets along with the neighbors, so be it. She also swings between describing how wicked her mother is and then wringing her hands about intervening. It comes across as someone who hates their parent yet wants to look good and make sure people know mom’s a monster.
[/quote]
You seem to have a vendetta against OP, perhaps you feel angry that she is refusing to care for her parent, but it really seems like youre just making stuff up. Being estranged from a parent who you WANT to love and want to be loved BY is very difficult. Its a lot of complicated emotions. I'm not getting the picture you're painting at all. I see a woman who was deeply traumatized and trying to move on, but being pulled back into the fold with guilt from the neighbors (and pps here). Her mom does sound like a monster, she's ranting on here, anonymously, not telling that to the neighbor. She is worried that because her mom can mask so well, she may not end up with the help she needs - but she also doesnt want to be the one worrying or providing that help.

I'm guessing our life experiences are coloring our different views here. I've dealt with an abusive, estranged parent, and I can completely see OPs side. I had my Dads gf contacting me to try and guilt me into caring for him, but funny enough, just like OP, he never reached out directly. I cried to my husband about it and felt very conflicted. I wasn't hand wringing while being conflicted. I dunno, maybe some compassion for OPs position could go a long way here. [/quote]

I don’t have a vendetta against OP or any stranger on a message board. I expressed my point of view and answered questions. If you’d read my other responses you’d know that I have been the primary caretaker for most of the elders in my large family, including some who were abusive. You would also know that I was NC with one and declined caring for her because the level of abuse had been so intense. It’s a mistake to assume that you have a monopoly on intergenerational trauma.

The point of being estranged or NC is that you’ve made the choice that it’s too damaging to have a relationship (of course there are some who do it to cause pain, but I’m taking everyone at their word here). I’m not condemning it. I did it myself. I do get the vibe that OP wants to sabotage her mother, and that I don’t condone. She doesn’t have an obligation to help her, but it’s wrong for her to interfere. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics