FIL wants to be buried in the homeland

[Anonymous]

Yikes a lot of people on this thread are really cavalier about the burial wishes of their family members.

My father has been here for 50 years and still wants to be buried in his birth country and where his parents and brother are buried. His brother died young and tragically and I know it was a huge undertaking and cost (funeral services here and there along with flying the body there etc) but its just what they wanted.

I would definitely prefer my father be buried in the US, but I don't view it as my choice or that it doesn't matter because he would be dead. I don't know his financial plans for this (but I suspect he will set aside enough money for this), but my siblings and I (and our spouses) know we are responsible for making it happen. We have loose connections to the home country now, but it will get harder as the years pass and fewer cousins are in the hometown. A problem for the future.

[Anonymous]

I thought it was bad that my dad wants to be buried in Wisconsin...but at least he already has his headstone in place. My mom hates Wisconsin so she'll stay in Arizona.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were my parent, I would tell them that this would be costly and time-consuming to arrange. Except that we'd never have this conversation, because they already know this and don't want to be a burden.

So tell your husband that if he says nothing right now, he will be facing a difficult choice after his father's death: not honor his wishes and live with that, or be entirely overwhelmed trying to make it happen.

Same.

If this request is coming from total ignorance and lack of thought or planning (pre-arranging, pre-paying/covering), it would indeed be a costly financial and time burden to the adult kids’ families.

Cremation and taking that easily over there accomplishes the same thing at significantly less cost, secretarial time, even less bribes. Ashes could even go in a marble tomb thing if Gramps is hung up on an occasional pilgrimage to see his tombstone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd cremate and spread the ashes in his homeland. Keep it simple as it's DH's problem.

+1

[Anonymous]

I’d be interested to know if this is a “thing” among whatever peer group he has from the old country. If so, there should be a community base of knowledge you could tap into for how it gets accomplished.

[Anonymous]

If you want to be buried somewhere far from where you're likely to die, you just have to accept being cremated. It's just way too expensive and potentially too complicated (depending on which countries are involved) to ship a body long distance. Cremation at least means there isn't a time crunch.

I also think if you're really attached to being buried in a particular place, it's on you to arrange. My parents wanted to be buried in a particular cemetery and there was a concern it was reaching capacity, so they bought the plots.

[Anonymous]

I would make this happen if it’s that import him. So many in this forum are disrespectful of elders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to be buried somewhere far from where you're likely to die, you just have to accept being cremated. It's just way too expensive and potentially too complicated (depending on which countries are involved) to ship a body long distance. Cremation at least means there isn't a time crunch.

I also think if you're really attached to being buried in a particular place, it's on you to arrange. My parents wanted to be buried in a particular cemetery and there was a concern it was reaching capacity, so they bought the plots.

+1

If he’s serious about this, he needs to arrange it himself, now - buy the plot (if even possible, India and China only do cremation due to population density), select both funeral homes, pre-fund or insure the body remains cargo costs, fill out and pay for all government permits and fees.

All costs only go up.

And don’t get screwed on the USD versus home currency games they play.

It can be his final $15,000+ gift to himself and his parents. His wife can do her own thing.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to him and tell him what the cost is going to be?

If he still dead set on that, then wait till after he has passed and cremate him and spread his ashes when he is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make this happen if it’s that import him. So many in this forum are disrespectful of elders.

This is an extraordinary ask if FIL does not want to be cremated and wants his body shipped overseas. He needs to plan for it and allot money for it.

If we are talking about bringing ashes to his homeland, then it's really not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes a lot of people on this thread are really cavalier about the burial wishes of their family members.

My father has been here for 50 years and still wants to be buried in his birth country and where his parents and brother are buried. His brother died young and tragically and I know it was a huge undertaking and cost (funeral services here and there along with flying the body there etc) but its just what they wanted.

I would definitely prefer my father be buried in the US, but I don't view it as my choice or that it doesn't matter because he would be dead. I don't know his financial plans for this (but I suspect he will set aside enough money for this), but my siblings and I (and our spouses) know we are responsible for making it happen. We have loose connections to the home country now, but it will get harder as the years pass and fewer cousins are in the hometown. A problem for the future.

Cremation makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE than shipping a dead body internationally. So while I understand the desire to be placed at rest with your family, if you don't live there, you need to make your peace with cremation. Then your ashes can be scattered anywhere.

[Anonymous]

I'm all for honoring wishes but... putting aside the cost/logistics (which are huge) - what about the fact that his bereaved loved ones won't even be able to visit his grave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes a lot of people on this thread are really cavalier about the burial wishes of their family members.

My father has been here for 50 years and still wants to be buried in his birth country and where his parents and brother are buried. His brother died young and tragically and I know it was a huge undertaking and cost (funeral services here and there along with flying the body there etc) but its just what they wanted.

I would definitely prefer my father be buried in the US, but I don't view it as my choice or that it doesn't matter because he would be dead. I don't know his financial plans for this (but I suspect he will set aside enough money for this), but my siblings and I (and our spouses) know we are responsible for making it happen. We have loose connections to the home country now, but it will get harder as the years pass and fewer cousins are in the hometown. A problem for the future.

Both you and OP's DH need to ask your dads about what arrangements/savings they have for this. After they pass is not the time to figure this out. It is hard enough to lose a parent and do a funeral and burial/cremation locally. If he has savings, how will you access them? It's horrifically selfish to put this on your kids while they are grieving with no thought into the logistics of getting it done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make this happen if it’s that import him. So many in this forum are disrespectful of elders.

This is an extraordinary ask if FIL does not want to be cremated and wants his body shipped overseas. He needs to plan for it and allot money for it.

If we are talking about bringing ashes to his homeland, then it's really not a big deal.

If he pays for it and plans for it and it's as simple as making a call I would do it. If he expects you to pay and put in a large amount of effort, then I would instead spend that time and money on your own children/health needs/retirement savings. It's not his choice if he does not fund it and plan for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to be buried somewhere far from where you're likely to die, you just have to accept being cremated. It's just way too expensive and potentially too complicated (depending on which countries are involved) to ship a body long distance. Cremation at least means there isn't a time crunch.

I also think if you're really attached to being buried in a particular place, it's on you to arrange. My parents wanted to be buried in a particular cemetery and there was a concern it was reaching capacity, so they bought the plots.

+1

If he’s serious about this, he needs to arrange it himself, now - buy the plot (if even possible, India and China only do cremation due to population density), select both funeral homes, pre-fund or insure the body remains cargo costs, fill out and pay for all government permits and fees.

All costs only go up.

And don’t get screwed on the USD versus home currency games they play.

It can be his final $15,000+ gift to himself and his parents. His wife can do her own thing.

Curious what the MIL thinks about this. She’s obviously not invited nor making a case for common sense.