Starting a new WFH job at 18 weeks and need to disclose medical appointments right away

[Anonymous]

who is this person so hung up on the "you should not lie 5 times" that posted it repeatedly. as someone with repeated loss who is further along now and still hasn't announced my pregnancy no way would i tell that to a potential employer at that time. you're not crazy. i am not really sure though what you hope people will say-- you either take the time off and risk the job or skip the scan and risk the baby... i'd risk the job over the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You clearly messed up when you did not disclose the previous 5 times you were asked. People have offered solutions to which you negate every one as to why it won’t work so at this point you need to accept that you lied and you will most likely be fired (not for being pregnant but for lying about availability).

OP here. Again I disagree and something is missing inside of you if you think it's considered a lie. I was only a few weeks pregnant. Lots of women don't disclose pregnancies for so many reasons. I'm not going to continue to go back and forth with someone who intends to be nasty. One option suggested was to do a scan somewhere else. I don't have the option to pay out of pocket to do a scan and I can't change medical groups as I explained there isn't any other group I can transfer to that's close. Once I am out of training my schedule will change and it's very possible I can schedule my prenatal appointments around the new schedule. I won't know the new schedule until sometime during training.

[Anonymous]

You are starting this job off on the wrong foot. You aren't missing "one day" it's a couple of hours. But waiting this long means whether or not you are fired now you will be at the top of the "poor performer" list.

[Anonymous]

If you disagree go seek advice elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

OP your options are

1. wait until training is done to complete the scan
2. have the scan completed prior to starting training
3. miss a few hours of training for the scan and either a) be fired or b) it works out
4. dont do the scan at all
5. quit the job and try to find something else

[Anonymous]

Clue OP, #3 on the above

[Anonymous]

I did my 20-week scan at 18 weeks because that’s how the scheduling worked out. I would probably do I the scan the day before you start this sidestepping a lot of this drama. If your OB thinks it’s important to be closer to 20 weeks, do one scan at 18 weeks and then come back for a quick follow up at 21 weeks (I had to do this for one kid who wouldn’t roll the right way during the scheduled scan anyway).

[Anonymous]

You need to let your manager know today that you are pregnant and that you have a required appointment that will overlap part of training so you will be late for training that day. It it understandable that you lied about your availability to date. Yes, you lied. You knew full well you would need at a minimum an ultrasound at 20 weeks and that due to a high risk pregnancy, that you would have medical obligations that would increase from weeks 20-40. You also knew that your OBGYN practice had no evening hours. So, not mentioning conflicts earlier in the hiring process is an actual lie no matter how you want to couch it in your mind.

The best time to reveal a pregnancy in this situation is after you get the offer letter and before you start. By law, they cannot rescind the offer due to your pregnancy, you are protected by EEO laws. But you then need to be open about your appointments. Right now, you are walking a very thin line and being fired is on both sides of the line, so you have to tread very, very carefully. You need to be open, at least to your manager, about your situation. You need to keep him/her in the loop about when you will be out, how you will make up for what is missing, and how you will manage your commitment to the job around your pregnancy. But trying to hide a pregnancy that is past the 20th week is virtually impossible, even when you are fully remote and no one can see your physical changes. Doctors appointments and complications, especially in a high risk pregnancy inevitably get flagged and will cause bigger problems if the employer finds out that you've been hiding it than if you were open about it and made work plans accordingly.

So, that means being open about how much leave you plan to take for birth (within reason). And you need to figure out plans B, C, D and E to make sure you have coverage after the birth for any eventuality. If your child is going to any form of daycare, then you can assume your child will be sick off and on through the first year. Although not guaranteed, the majority of kids who go into shared care will have their immune systems tested form day 1. Inevitably, they will be exposed to something that their newborn immune system cannot handle. As their immune system develops, it will happen less and less often. But this will happen. So, if your child is in daycare, what are your backup plans to work, when your child is sick and cannot go to daycare? One of the biggest mistakes that new parents make is to try to work and care for their infant at home. There is no way to do that with a sick infant. If you find multiple backups to your regular child care especially for times when your baby is sick, then you can let your work know that you have backup care lined up and that the baby will not impact your ability to work and do your job, which is the bottom line that most employers want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You clearly messed up when you did not disclose the previous 5 times you were asked. People have offered solutions to which you negate every one as to why it won’t work so at this point you need to accept that you lied and you will most likely be fired (not for being pregnant but for lying about availability).

OP here. Again I disagree and something is missing inside of you if you think it's considered a lie. I was only a few weeks pregnant. Lots of women don't disclose pregnancies for so many reasons. I'm not going to continue to go back and forth with someone who intends to be nasty. One option suggested was to do a scan somewhere else. I don't have the option to pay out of pocket to do a scan and I can't change medical groups as I explained there isn't any other group I can transfer to that's close. Once I am out of training my schedule will change and it's very possible I can schedule my prenatal appointments around the new schedule. I won't know the new schedule until sometime during training.

You put yourself in this position. You knew there would be appointments. Don’t get mad now when people remind you of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean what if someone gets sick during training? They can’t punish someone for that. I wouldn’t delay a 20 week ultrasound. So many things can come up at that appointment. Mine disclosed a very high risk situation. You need to also take your baby’s health into consideration.

At my job you cannot miss any of the training. If you do, your employment is terminated. There’s no exception for any reason. And they always start more people than they need because people invariably think they will get an exception. Also if you are removed from the class, there is a long period before you’re eligible to apply again.

I don’t know OPs situation. But I do know that not everyone gets the perk of flexibility or paid leave.

[Anonymous]

Op, I have a job that is pretty strict about training because they only offer the weeklong orientation and training every 3 months and then for the 8 week long in person training, they don't want anyone to miss it. So they say no vacations, appts, etc. The reality is, they know stuff crops up. They know people get sick or their kids get sick. You wouldn't get fired or in trouble for missing a couple hrs for a doctor's appt where I work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean what if someone gets sick during training? They can’t punish someone for that. I wouldn’t delay a 20 week ultrasound. So many things can come up at that appointment. Mine disclosed a very high risk situation. You need to also take your baby’s health into consideration.

At my job you cannot miss any of the training. If you do, your employment is terminated. There’s no exception for any reason. And they always start more people than they need because people invariably think they will get an exception. Also if you are removed from the class, there is a long period before you’re eligible to apply again.

I don’t know OPs situation. But I do know that not everyone gets the perk of flexibility or paid leave.

Op here. Thank you. I do know there are jobs like this. What I am struggling with is when to disclose. It didn't occur to me to do it before my start date because everyone I know says to wait as long as possible. I am going to see if I can do the scan at 17 weeks but when I called to schedule they seemed rigid that it must be at 20 weeks. The scan place isn't at my obgyns office. The scan office is at the same place as the high-risk doctor. I have been told most people only go here for the 20-week scan or a high-risk appointment. They do not have evening appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your OB. Say that their usual scan hours don’t fit your new work schedule because of this mandatory training and ask for a referral to another place that offers evening/weekend hours. Or ask if they can accommodate an evening/weekend appointment this one time. If you have to pay out of pocket at a different place, it’s better and less expensive than getting fired.

This idea makes sense to me. OP, you're being rather frustrating in that you are receiving MANY suggestions and you don't seem to accept any of them.

You do this OR you tell your new boss and ask for a late start on the day of your scan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have a job that is pretty strict about training because they only offer the weeklong orientation and training every 3 months, and then for the 8 week long in person training, they don't want anyone to miss it. So they say no vacations, appts, etc. The reality is, they know stuff crops up. They know people get sick or their kids get sick. You wouldn't get fired or in trouble for missing a couple hrs for a doctor's appt where I work.

OP here. Thanks! This company hires more in the fall due to open enrollment. I am planning to give a heads-up about the appointment but trying to determine when to do it. It's also totally possible I will have a change of managers after training as my schedule will change after training. It's a large company and there will be many of us with the same job title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean what if someone gets sick during training? They can’t punish someone for that. I wouldn’t delay a 20 week ultrasound. So many things can come up at that appointment. Mine disclosed a very high risk situation. You need to also take your baby’s health into consideration.

At my job you cannot miss any of the training. If you do, your employment is terminated. There’s no exception for any reason. And they always start more people than they need because people invariably think they will get an exception. Also if you are removed from the class, there is a long period before you’re eligible to apply again.

I don’t know OPs situation. But I do know that not everyone gets the perk of flexibility or paid leave.

Op here. Thank you. I do know there are jobs like this. What I am struggling with is when to disclose. It didn't occur to me to do it before my start date because everyone I know says to wait as long as possible. I am going to see if I can do the scan at 17 weeks but when I called to schedule they seemed rigid that it must be at 20 weeks. The scan place isn't at my obgyns office. The scan office is at the same place as the high-risk doctor. I have been told most people only go here for the 20-week scan or a high-risk appointment. They do not have evening appointments.

DP here. Yes, 20 week anatomy scans are usually done at a MFM specialist so it might be hard to find one available after hours. This whole situation just shows how unfair pregnancy is for women, because a man would never have to jeopardize his job over this.