How would you handle this situation regarding helping out an AC with money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the other PP's. She needs to become independent and that means making compromises. Has she looked into a studio or 1BD in the same building?

She's 33 and I assume she's dating. Reverse the genders here.... who would find a mid-30's man living off the parents' dole to be an attractive catch??

This really is such a difference between the punitive middle class mentality and the expansive wealthy mentality. Do you think the kid of a rich person is living in a studio in a sh**y part of town, because that's the only way they have any social capital? No, their parents buy them a great apartment - and maybe even a movie studio if they really want it. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/07/business/media/david-ellison-paramount-skydance.html#:~:text=paramount%2Dskydance.html-,Meet%20David%20Ellison%2C%20Paramount's%20Future%20Boss%20and%20Hollywood's%20Newest%20Mogul,most%20powerful%20people%20in%20Hollywood.

Is anyone looking down on this guy because daddy bought him a company?

For gd's sake, if your parents are comfortable helping your sister live a nicer life, then it's hard to see why everyone has to tut tut about how it teaches her the wrong lessons and is going to lead to such harms. No, it's parents with money helping a kid in a helping profession live more comfortably - just like parents with money do all over the land.

Doesn't mean your parents have to do it. They can cut her off if they want. I like the idea of helping with a down payment so she can start building capital. But it's certainly not going to lead to a live of drugs and crime if she has a nicer apartment because your parents are generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the insights. I'm not posing this question here to figure out a solution for my sister and parents, but rather, see how others would approach it. I have a young child, and DH and I have talked a little bit about how we want to be a safety net for our daughter as she gets older, but also want her to be independent. Given that this situation with my sister is happening now, it's made me reflect on how to create that balance in the future.

We will be a safety net for our kids--they are college and recently launched. However, that means having a full time job and living within your means. We help so they can save more for retirement and have a "nicer car", but wouldn't help if they were not financially stable.

In this case, your sister has no business having an animal. That restricts where you can live and costs money. She can work 2-3 months in the summer or get a weekend job during the school year. Heck, tutoring in most nicer areas like you describe will get her $50+/hr. Do that in evenings or weekends (10-12 hours per week) and she will be fine. Also if doing that, that is 10-12 less hours to party away and waste money. There are ways to figure it out. She is not "struggling" to survive. She just wants to live a better life than her job will allow. I would not finance that.

LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE PETS. Lots of people in lots of circumstances.

And even if you think that poor people shouldn't have pets - a position I do not share - OP's sister isn't poor! She just wants a nicer apartment than she could afford without parental help!

DCUM people are among the worst, most judgmental people in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many (most?) people here are like your sister. They may not want to see it that way, but if your vacations, home, kids' private schools, big gifts like a car, really anything, gets subsidized and would not be affordable to you without parental help, you are in fact living beyond your means, through the means of someone else and thanks to their generosity. So who is to say that your sister is "worse" than any of these people or less independent? She has a full time job and functions well. If your parents are actually wealthy, I would wonder what is to gain by not helping her.

I come from a lower income family, so my parents didn't help us with anything that you describe above, and my kids have never been in private school.

vacations and big gifts are different than helping paying rent for your 33 yr old child. A vacation or big gift is a one time thing and does not impact your daily life. Rent is a basic need that should be one of the first things that an adult should be able to pay for. Responsible adults pay the rent and other necessity bills first, then spend on clothes and what not. If they cannot afford their rent on their own, then they either find a cheaper place or pull back on discretionary spending. What they don't do is expect their parents to help pay for their rent as the go to solution.

That's what responsible adults do. Op's sibling is not a responsible adult, and they want their parents to fund the lifestyle that they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the other PP's. She needs to become independent and that means making compromises. Has she looked into a studio or 1BD in the same building?

She's 33 and I assume she's dating. Reverse the genders here.... who would find a mid-30's man living off the parents' dole to be an attractive catch??

This really is such a difference between the punitive middle class mentality and the expansive wealthy mentality. Do you think the kid of a rich person is living in a studio in a sh**y part of town, because that's the only way they have any social capital? No, their parents buy them a great apartment - and maybe even a movie studio if they really want it. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/07/business/media/david-ellison-paramount-skydance.html#:~:text=paramount%2Dskydance.html-,Meet%20David%20Ellison%2C%20Paramount's%20Future%20Boss%20and%20Hollywood's%20Newest%20Mogul,most%20powerful%20people%20in%20Hollywood.

Is anyone looking down on this guy because daddy bought him a company?

For gd's sake, if your parents are comfortable helping your sister live a nicer life, then it's hard to see why everyone has to tut tut about how it teaches her the wrong lessons and is going to lead to such harms. No, it's parents with money helping a kid in a helping profession live more comfortably - just like parents with money do all over the land.

Doesn't mean your parents have to do it. They can cut her off if they want. I like the idea of helping with a down payment so she can start building capital. But it's certainly not going to lead to a live of drugs and crime if she has a nicer apartment because your parents are generous.

Again, those are different things. A company that is bought for you by your parent is a one time thing. The expectation by the parent is that the AC can support themselves now with this one time "gift".

Continuing to pay for rent because the person doesn't want to figure out how to stand on their own is not the same as providing a one time gift to help them stand on their own.

Sure, they can help with a dp on a condo; that would be more similar to buying a company for your AC. But, there would be an expectation that the AC could pay the mortgage on the condo they helped them buy, and not that the parents would continue to help pay for the mortgage on that condo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many (most?) people here are like your sister. They may not want to see it that way, but if your vacations, home, kids' private schools, big gifts like a car, really anything, gets subsidized and would not be affordable to you without parental help, you are in fact living beyond your means, through the means of someone else and thanks to their generosity. So who is to say that your sister is "worse" than any of these people or less independent? She has a full time job and functions well. If your parents are actually wealthy, I would wonder what is to gain by not helping her.

I come from a lower income family, so my parents didn't help us with anything that you describe above, and my kids have never been in private school.

vacations and big gifts are different than helping paying rent for your 33 yr old child. A vacation or big gift is a one time thing and does not impact your daily life. Rent is a basic need that should be one of the first things that an adult should be able to pay for. Responsible adults pay the rent and other necessity bills first, then spend on clothes and what not. If they cannot afford their rent on their own, then they either find a cheaper place or pull back on discretionary spending. What they don't do is expect their parents to help pay for their rent as the go to solution.

That's what responsible adults do. Op's sibling is not a responsible adult, and they want their parents to fund the lifestyle that they want.

You are seeing it from your point of view. This is the correct way from LMC to MC. I have not gotten a cent from my parents as an adult either. The reality is VERY different for the children of rich people. They very often have their lives subsidized forever, especially when it comes to housing at least in the form of a downpayment.

[Anonymous]

I think they should give her nothing. She's 33! When is she going to buy her own condo?

I come from a wealthier family and they helped my buy my own townhouse in my early 20s. I had roommates to help me subsidize the cost. At no point would my parents have helped me or given me any additional money. If I had run into major issues like my house being foreclosed, they would have loaned me money, but it would have had an interest rate and would have been an official loan from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the other PP's. She needs to become independent and that means making compromises. Has she looked into a studio or 1BD in the same building?

She's 33 and I assume she's dating. Reverse the genders here.... who would find a mid-30's man living off the parents' dole to be an attractive catch??

This really is such a difference between the punitive middle class mentality and the expansive wealthy mentality. Do you think the kid of a rich person is living in a studio in a sh**y part of town, because that's the only way they have any social capital? No, their parents buy them a great apartment - and maybe even a movie studio if they really want it. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/07/business/media/david-ellison-paramount-skydance.html#:~:text=paramount%2Dskydance.html-,Meet%20David%20Ellison%2C%20Paramount's%20Future%20Boss%20and%20Hollywood's%20Newest%20Mogul,most%20powerful%20people%20in%20Hollywood.

Is anyone looking down on this guy because daddy bought him a company?

For gd's sake, if your parents are comfortable helping your sister live a nicer life, then it's hard to see why everyone has to tut tut about how it teaches her the wrong lessons and is going to lead to such harms. No, it's parents with money helping a kid in a helping profession live more comfortably - just like parents with money do all over the land.

Doesn't mean your parents have to do it. They can cut her off if they want. I like the idea of helping with a down payment so she can start building capital. But it's certainly not going to lead to a live of drugs and crime if she has a nicer apartment because your parents are generous.

NP. My family has money. They bought us houses/condos in college and then later sold them for a large profit. They then bought me a rowhouse in DC when I was 22. I paid them rent which they saved for me. When I was nearly ready to buy my first SFH, they gave me that money back as a large check (I didn't know or expect this to be coming). Rich people don't pay rent to outsiders. My sibling has dogs and they bought her a SFH with a nice yard for them. It's not hers however, they own it. My parents wouldn't be giving out free money to their kids, but they do like to own real estate and they always make a profit on it. Helping their kids + making a profit is a win for them.

Most rich families do not just give out money. That's what the middle class thinks, but it's not true. Maybe billionaires do it like that though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many (most?) people here are like your sister. They may not want to see it that way, but if your vacations, home, kids' private schools, big gifts like a car, really anything, gets subsidized and would not be affordable to you without parental help, you are in fact living beyond your means, through the means of someone else and thanks to their generosity. So who is to say that your sister is "worse" than any of these people or less independent? She has a full time job and functions well. If your parents are actually wealthy, I would wonder what is to gain by not helping her.

I come from a lower income family, so my parents didn't help us with anything that you describe above, and my kids have never been in private school.

vacations and big gifts are different than helping paying rent for your 33 yr old child. A vacation or big gift is a one time thing and does not impact your daily life. Rent is a basic need that should be one of the first things that an adult should be able to pay for. Responsible adults pay the rent and other necessity bills first, then spend on clothes and what not. If they cannot afford their rent on their own, then they either find a cheaper place or pull back on discretionary spending. What they don't do is expect their parents to help pay for their rent as the go to solution.

That's what responsible adults do. Op's sibling is not a responsible adult, and they want their parents to fund the lifestyle that they want.

You are seeing it from your point of view. This is the correct way from LMC to MC. I have not gotten a cent from my parents as an adult either. The reality is VERY different for the children of rich people. They very often have their lives subsidized forever, especially when it comes to housing at least in the form of a downpayment.

And look at how the children of the very rich end up.. they usually end up going into the family business or they become aimless addicts.

We are UMC, and no way would I would subsidize my kid's rent in this situation. I don't get the sense that OP's family is wealthy, just UMC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the other PP's. She needs to become independent and that means making compromises. Has she looked into a studio or 1BD in the same building?

She's 33 and I assume she's dating. Reverse the genders here.... who would find a mid-30's man living off the parents' dole to be an attractive catch??

This really is such a difference between the punitive middle class mentality and the expansive wealthy mentality. Do you think the kid of a rich person is living in a studio in a sh**y part of town, because that's the only way they have any social capital? No, their parents buy them a great apartment - and maybe even a movie studio if they really want it. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/07/business/media/david-ellison-paramount-skydance.html#:~:text=paramount%2Dskydance.html-,Meet%20David%20Ellison%2C%20Paramount's%20Future%20Boss%20and%20Hollywood's%20Newest%20Mogul,most%20powerful%20people%20in%20Hollywood.

Is anyone looking down on this guy because daddy bought him a company?

For gd's sake, if your parents are comfortable helping your sister live a nicer life, then it's hard to see why everyone has to tut tut about how it teaches her the wrong lessons and is going to lead to such harms. No, it's parents with money helping a kid in a helping profession live more comfortably - just like parents with money do all over the land.

Doesn't mean your parents have to do it. They can cut her off if they want. I like the idea of helping with a down payment so she can start building capital. But it's certainly not going to lead to a live of drugs and crime if she has a nicer apartment because your parents are generous.

Again, those are different things. A company that is bought for you by your parent is a one time thing. The expectation by the parent is that the AC can support themselves now with this one time "gift".

Continuing to pay for rent because the person doesn't want to figure out how to stand on their own is not the same as providing a one time gift to help them stand on their own.

Sure, they can help with a dp on a condo; that would be more similar to buying a company for your AC. But, there would be an expectation that the AC could pay the mortgage on the condo they helped them buy, and not that the parents would continue to help pay for the mortgage on that condo.

Are you saying you believe that the children of wealthy parents are buying their own apartments without family help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they should give her nothing. She's 33! When is she going to buy her own condo?

I come from a wealthier family and they helped my buy my own townhouse in my early 20s. I had roommates to help me subsidize the cost. At no point would my parents have helped me or given me any additional money. If I had run into major issues like my house being foreclosed, they would have loaned me money, but it would have had an interest rate and would have been an official loan from them.

I think they should give her nothing. She's 33! When is she going to buy her own condo?

I come from a wealthier family and they helped my buy my own townhouse in my early 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the other PP's. She needs to become independent and that means making compromises. Has she looked into a studio or 1BD in the same building?

She's 33 and I assume she's dating. Reverse the genders here.... who would find a mid-30's man living off the parents' dole to be an attractive catch??

This really is such a difference between the punitive middle class mentality and the expansive wealthy mentality. Do you think the kid of a rich person is living in a studio in a sh**y part of town, because that's the only way they have any social capital? No, their parents buy them a great apartment - and maybe even a movie studio if they really want it. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/07/business/media/david-ellison-paramount-skydance.html#:~:text=paramount%2Dskydance.html-,Meet%20David%20Ellison%2C%20Paramount's%20Future%20Boss%20and%20Hollywood's%20Newest%20Mogul,most%20powerful%20people%20in%20Hollywood.

Is anyone looking down on this guy because daddy bought him a company?

For gd's sake, if your parents are comfortable helping your sister live a nicer life, then it's hard to see why everyone has to tut tut about how it teaches her the wrong lessons and is going to lead to such harms. No, it's parents with money helping a kid in a helping profession live more comfortably - just like parents with money do all over the land.

Doesn't mean your parents have to do it. They can cut her off if they want. I like the idea of helping with a down payment so she can start building capital. But it's certainly not going to lead to a live of drugs and crime if she has a nicer apartment because your parents are generous.

NP. My family has money. They bought us houses/condos in college and then later sold them for a large profit. They then bought me a rowhouse in DC when I was 22. I paid them rent which they saved for me. When I was nearly ready to buy my first SFH, they gave me that money back as a large check (I didn't know or expect this to be coming). Rich people don't pay rent to outsiders. My sibling has dogs and they bought her a SFH with a nice yard for them. It's not hers however, they own it. My parents wouldn't be giving out free money to their kids, but they do like to own real estate and they always make a profit on it. Helping their kids + making a profit is a win for them.

Most rich families do not just give out money. That's what the middle class thinks, but it's not true. Maybe billionaires do it like that though?

just really top notch lack of self-awareness. a+

[Anonymous]

If you've extra money, help. If you don't, let them know. They'll figure out how to budget or improve income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many (most?) people here are like your sister. They may not want to see it that way, but if your vacations, home, kids' private schools, big gifts like a car, really anything, gets subsidized and would not be affordable to you without parental help, you are in fact living beyond your means, through the means of someone else and thanks to their generosity. So who is to say that your sister is "worse" than any of these people or less independent? She has a full time job and functions well. If your parents are actually wealthy, I would wonder what is to gain by not helping her.

I come from a lower income family, so my parents didn't help us with anything that you describe above, and my kids have never been in private school.

vacations and big gifts are different than helping paying rent for your 33 yr old child. A vacation or big gift is a one time thing and does not impact your daily life. Rent is a basic need that should be one of the first things that an adult should be able to pay for. Responsible adults pay the rent and other necessity bills first, then spend on clothes and what not. If they cannot afford their rent on their own, then they either find a cheaper place or pull back on discretionary spending. What they don't do is expect their parents to help pay for their rent as the go to solution.

That's what responsible adults do. Op's sibling is not a responsible adult, and they want their parents to fund the lifestyle that they want.

You are seeing it from your point of view. This is the correct way from LMC to MC. I have not gotten a cent from my parents as an adult either. The reality is VERY different for the children of rich people. They very often have their lives subsidized forever, especially when it comes to housing at least in the form of a downpayment.

And look at how the children of the very rich end up.. they usually end up going into the family business or they become aimless addicts.

We are UMC, and no way would I would subsidize my kid's rent in this situation. I don't get the sense that OP's family is wealthy, just UMC.

Not really. They just marry within their SES band, have normal UMC jobs and get subsidized, and continue the cycle of helping the next generation.

[Anonymous]

I have two adult children and a minor child. One adult has moved out. I do not finance his lifestyle. He needs to be able to pay his bills. I do pay when we go out together and for most of the cost of vacations when he comes along.

Second adult child is mentally ill and not yet (and maybe never will be) able to live on his own. He has a room in my house and is free to eat meals with us. I also pay when we go out together and when we vacation together. But he works and must pay for his food outside of what we make for meals, his transportation, his clothes, his social life, etc. He must also take care of the dogs in exchange for living with us.

So, no, I don’t finance my kids’ lives though could easily afford to. They need to adult and that means living within their means. Both of my boys have borrowed money from me once - around $3-$5k - and we did a payment plan where they paid it back within a few months.

[Anonymous]

If I were to help out my AC at that age with housing, I’d prefer for it to be in the form of a down payment on a condo or house she could reasonably afford rather than a rent subsidy that is never ending. My parents gifted us a small amount of money towards a down payment which provided just enough of a boost to make our first purchase affordable but didn’t translate into allowing us to move to Bethesda instead of Gaithersburg.

DD is only 22 and wants nice things but we are intentionally only covering a basic standard of living so she will have motivation to work hard and live within her means later. She doesn’t make much but we allow her to live at home and borrow our car. We pay for her healthcare. We gifted her a down payment for a new car as a graduation gift but she has so far wisely decided to hold off and save more so she has a lower payment. When she decides to move out she will need to find a roommate and won’t be able to afford DC or Bethesda on her income. I’m guessing she will end up in Gaithersburg or Germantown. We don’t have the money to supplement her housing at this point but as I said above, I’d be using it for a down payment and not a rent subsidy.