How would you handle this situation regarding helping out an AC with money?

[Anonymous]

I'm curious how others would handle this money situation between my parents and my 33 year old sister.

My sister has always been not great with money. She works as a public school teacher in a suburb of a HCOL area, so she makes good money and has a lot of job security, but spends alot of money going out, on fancy clothes, etc, and doesn't do anything to save. My parents have been helping her out here and there the entirety of her career.

Sister lives in a "cool" urban area just outside of a large city, and commutes into the suburbs for her job (think lives in Bethesda and commutes to Rockville/lives in Arlington commutes to Fairfax). My sister and her dog have lived in a two bedroom apartment with one of her friends for the past few years, but the friend is moving in with her boyfriend in a few months, so sister has to figure out a new living arrangement. Sister understandably doesn't want to deal with having a random roommate. Her building is one of the few in her area that allows dogs, so ideally, sister would move into a one bedroom in her building.

The problem is that she can't afford it. She could move to another apartment further out/closer to her work, which would be cheaper, but it wouldn't be as much fun. Based on the conversations I've had with my sister, she's pretty much banking that our parents are going to help her out to some degree so that she can get a one bedroom in her building.

However, in talking with my parents, they're very conflicted about this. On one hand, they want my sister to be happy, and they have the money to help her out. On the other hand, they're a little frustrated that she's been out of college for a decade, and still has to rely on them for financial support. They feel like she can't always have her cake and eat it too (in this case, live in a one bedroom apartment in a cool area), and at some point as an adult, you have to make difficult decisions.

Anyways, I'm curious how others with adult children would handle this situation.

[Anonymous]

You should not be discussing this with your parents.

[Anonymous]

She spends a lot because as you say, your parents "have the money to help her out." Safety nets can really prevent people from making financially sound decisions, which isn't a big deal if they can support her forever. Can they do that and do they want to do that?

[Anonymous]

If that were my child, I would not pay for her to live in the same building. She needs to figure out how to stand on her own two feet. But, then I come from a lower income family, and I had to figure out how to support myself.

I am now UMC, but I still wouldn't help my AC out in this situation. My almost 16 yr old DD is terrible with money, but starting to get better. If DD lived beyond her means, I would not support that, even as I want my DD to be happy. Raising happy kids doesn't mean giving them everything that they want.

[Anonymous]

If it were my child I would tell her she needs to find an apartment she can afford, and after that I would have a serious talk with her about retirement savings. Teachers sometimes have different kinds of pension plans and in some states aren't part of the Social Security program, so the details really matter here. As does her school system's pay scale. Since she is working at a much-needed job that many people could not stand to do, that pays far less than it should (in my policy belief), I am a little more okay with parent help than I usually would be.

If she were not working during summers (or taking professional development classes at least), then I would not help her at all.

However, I would not discuss this with a sibling. It's not really their business. Since your parents have tons of money, it's not a big deal and not for you to tell them what to do.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to know how to handle this?

[Anonymous]

They can help her and keep track. She gets less, eventually, from the estate. If there is likely no money to pass down, then, they certainly don't have enough to be helping substantially.

But overall, her problems are not theirs to solve. The "solution" is no one's problem but hers. All your details Op are unimportant.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the insights. I'm not posing this question here to figure out a solution for my sister and parents, but rather, see how others would approach it. I have a young child, and DH and I have talked a little bit about how we want to be a safety net for our daughter as she gets older, but also want her to be independent. Given that this situation with my sister is happening now, it's made me reflect on how to create that balance in the future.

[Anonymous]

She needs to change now unless your parents have a lot of money and leaving it to her bit by bit. She will make the change if the parents stop the support now. Seems like they want to do that.

[Anonymous]

OP - I highly encourage you to read The Millionaire Next Door if you're thinking ahead about your own child. The book addresses how parents supplementing adult children's incomes can lead to much more problems for the AC down the road, as 9:36 mentioned re safety nets.

It's a great book - I'm not recommending it to you for the money tips, but for the part about what you teach your children, both in childhood and in adulthood.

https://www.amazon.com/Millionaire-Next-Door-Surprising-Americas/dp/1589795474

[Anonymous]

If they are going to leave money for kids in inheritance anyways, they should use it to make their life easier now and see them happy, instead of leaving it in will with a big chunk going to IRS as inheritance tax. Its for making a decent one bed apartment affordable for her, not for drugs, luxury cars or holiday home on Martha's Vineyard.

[Anonymous]

She is a 33 year old on teacher's salary, to have a life and find a spouse, she needs to wear nice clothes and go out. As long as she isn't getting into debt, its fine to help with rent for a one bed apartment.

[Anonymous]

Best approach would be to help her with down payment to buy a small condo she can afford and then let her handle it.

[Anonymous]

She needs to learn how to live within her means. Actually below her means, so she can build savings. Her wants should not be funded by her aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious how others would handle this money situation between my parents and my 33 year old sister.

My sister has always been not great with money. She works as a public school teacher in a suburb of a HCOL area, so she makes good money and has a lot of job security, but spends alot of money going out, on fancy clothes, etc, and doesn't do anything to save. My parents have been helping her out here and there the entirety of her career.

Sister lives in a "cool" urban area just outside of a large city, and commutes into the suburbs for her job (think lives in Bethesda and commutes to Rockville/lives in Arlington commutes to Fairfax). My sister and her dog have lived in a two bedroom apartment with one of her friends for the past few years, but the friend is moving in with her boyfriend in a few months, so sister has to figure out a new living arrangement. Sister understandably doesn't want to deal with having a random roommate. Her building is one of the few in her area that allows dogs, so ideally, sister would move into a one bedroom in her building.

The problem is that she can't afford it. She could move to another apartment further out/closer to her work, which would be cheaper, but it wouldn't be as much fun. Based on the conversations I've had with my sister, she's pretty much banking that our parents are going to help her out to some degree so that she can get a one bedroom in her building.

However, in talking with my parents, they're very conflicted about this. On one hand, they want my sister to be happy, and they have the money to help her out. On the other hand, they're a little frustrated that she's been out of college for a decade, and still has to rely on them for financial support. They feel like she can't always have her cake and eat it too (in this case, live in a one bedroom apartment in a cool area), and at some point as an adult, you have to make difficult decisions.

Anyways, I'm curious how others with adult children would handle this situation.

If she can’t afford a one bedroom apartment she is not making “good” money. Living in a HCOL on a teacher salary, again, isn’t making “good” money. It is hard to make it as a single person in a HCOL on that.