How would you handle this situation regarding helping out an AC with money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best approach would be to help her with down payment to buy a small condo she can afford and then let her handle it.

This is probably what we would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not be discussing this with your parents.

+ 1.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the other PP's. She needs to become independent and that means making compromises. Has she looked into a studio or 1BD in the same building?

She's 33 and I assume she's dating. Reverse the genders here.... who would find a mid-30's man living off the parents' dole to be an attractive catch??

[Anonymous]

She needs to move to the "less fun" area.

[Anonymous]

Your parents need to have a discussion with her about making it on her own and the importance of budgeting and living within or below her means to build up savings. Parents are there to provide a safety net, not provide a hammock. Our three ACs never got financial support from us once they were on their own and they made their own way and did fine.

[Anonymous]

If she wants the cool apartment building enough, she'll take on a roommate. If she doesn't, she can move. I wouldn't help her move into a 1 bedroom that she cannot afford - that's a perpetuation of the problem not a solution.

But I also would not be discussing this situation with my other kids. I have a sister who is helpless with money and I know for a fact that my mom, whom I subsidize, sends her money regularly. But she doesn't talk to me about it because she realizes it would cause strife and the situation is not something I could (or should be expected to) solve.

[Anonymous]

I would give equal amounts to both of you and let you each handle how you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the insights. I'm not posing this question here to figure out a solution for my sister and parents, but rather, see how others would approach it. I have a young child, and DH and I have talked a little bit about how we want to be a safety net for our daughter as she gets older, but also want her to be independent. Given that this situation with my sister is happening now, it's made me reflect on how to create that balance in the future.

We will be a safety net for our kids--they are college and recently launched. However, that means having a full time job and living within your means. We help so they can save more for retirement and have a "nicer car", but wouldn't help if they were not financially stable.

In this case, your sister has no business having an animal. That restricts where you can live and costs money. She can work 2-3 months in the summer or get a weekend job during the school year. Heck, tutoring in most nicer areas like you describe will get her $50+/hr. Do that in evenings or weekends (10-12 hours per week) and she will be fine. Also if doing that, that is 10-12 less hours to party away and waste money. There are ways to figure it out. She is not "struggling" to survive. She just wants to live a better life than her job will allow. I would not finance that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I highly encourage you to read The Millionaire Next Door if you're thinking ahead about your own child. The book addresses how parents supplementing adult children's incomes can lead to much more problems for the AC down the road, as 9:36 mentioned re safety nets.

It's a great book - I'm not recommending it to you for the money tips, but for the part about what you teach your children, both in childhood and in adulthood.

https://www.amazon.com/Millionaire-Next-Door-Surprising-Americas/dp/1589795474

Plenty of kids do just fine at excelling while knowing they have a safety net. It's all in how you raise them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a 33 year old on teacher's salary, to have a life and find a spouse, she needs to wear nice clothes and go out. As long as she isn't getting into debt, its fine to help with rent for a one bed apartment.

No it's not! A 33 yo should figure out how to live on their own salary. Start tutoring during summer or even school year and she should be working 30hr/week in summer. She is "getting into debt" as she cannot afford the 1 bedroom she wants. So she needs to find a more affordable option

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a 33 year old on teacher's salary, to have a life and find a spouse, she needs to wear nice clothes and go out. As long as she isn't getting into debt, its fine to help with rent for a one bed apartment.

Found someone mooching off their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious how others would handle this money situation between my parents and my 33 year old sister.

My sister has always been not great with money. She works as a public school teacher in a suburb of a HCOL area, so she makes good money and has a lot of job security, but spends alot of money going out, on fancy clothes, etc, and doesn't do anything to save. My parents have been helping her out here and there the entirety of her career.

Sister lives in a "cool" urban area just outside of a large city, and commutes into the suburbs for her job (think lives in Bethesda and commutes to Rockville/lives in Arlington commutes to Fairfax). My sister and her dog have lived in a two bedroom apartment with one of her friends for the past few years, but the friend is moving in with her boyfriend in a few months, so sister has to figure out a new living arrangement. Sister understandably doesn't want to deal with having a random roommate. Her building is one of the few in her area that allows dogs, so ideally, sister would move into a one bedroom in her building.

The problem is that she can't afford it. She could move to another apartment further out/closer to her work, which would be cheaper, but it wouldn't be as much fun. Based on the conversations I've had with my sister, she's pretty much banking that our parents are going to help her out to some degree so that she can get a one bedroom in her building.

However, in talking with my parents, they're very conflicted about this. On one hand, they want my sister to be happy, and they have the money to help her out. On the other hand, they're a little frustrated that she's been out of college for a decade, and still has to rely on them for financial support. They feel like she can't always have her cake and eat it too (in this case, live in a one bedroom apartment in a cool area), and at some point as an adult, you have to make difficult decisions.

Anyways, I'm curious how others with adult children would handle this situation.

If she can’t afford a one bedroom apartment she is not making “good” money. Living in a HCOL on a teacher salary, again, isn’t making “good” money. It is hard to make it as a single person in a HCOL on that.

She can "afford" a 1 bedroom it appears. Just not in the luxury building in the "fun" area that she wants to live. She just needs to step down to a moderate apartment she can afford.
Also, smart people dont' get a dog/animals until they can afford them. It adds to rent and limits where you can live. Dogs cost easily $200/month extra when you factor in renting and all other expenses. Smart people wait until they can afford the animal

[Anonymous]

Many (most?) people here are like your sister. They may not want to see it that way, but if your vacations, home, kids' private schools, big gifts like a car, really anything, gets subsidized and would not be affordable to you without parental help, you are in fact living beyond your means, through the means of someone else and thanks to their generosity. So who is to say that your sister is "worse" than any of these people or less independent? She has a full time job and functions well. If your parents are actually wealthy, I would wonder what is to gain by not helping her.

[Anonymous]

I like the fact that she’s a teacher and has a dog. I’d be inclined to help her. teaching is a struggle career that your parents failed to warn her about. Also she needs to live where single men live she’s 33. All reasons to help. She moves to Rockville she’s going to be dating married men (hopefully not)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a 33 year old on teacher's salary, to have a life and find a spouse, she needs to wear nice clothes and go out. As long as she isn't getting into debt, its fine to help with rent for a one bed apartment.

the only reason she might not be getting into debt is because the parent is helping them.

Plenty of us are able to find husbands without going into debt spending money on "nice clothes".