I am sad for DD--this past weekend

[Anonymous]

It is so funny to see this thread. I don't live in Vienna but happened to be there this weekend and said to my DH...look at all the groups of kids roaming.

It looks like a really low-rent carnival but I can see why kids would be attracted to going. We had one of these in my town and it was the social event of the summer if you were say 11-15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sure was a low brow teen crowd there this weekend. The girls were barely clothed. SMH.

Yes, the girls were wearing shorts that showed their butt cheeks, but far worse was the way the boys were behaving towards those girls. It was like watching a bunch of dogs. Have teenage boys always been this crude and disrespectful?

I wouldn't be too sad OP. Being left out of one thing or another is a standard rite of passage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t be invited to every thing. Grow a backbone. They could have went with each other and had a good time. Don’t sit around waiting for an invitation.

OP said her kids reached out to friends but never heard back. They weren't waiting around for an invitation. And my 15 yo DS would rather die than go to VV with his 13 year old sister and possibly see his friends there....

That's kinda sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Be more inclusive” - what exactly does that mean OP?
Next time you go to dinner or for drinks with your friends, will you call or text a mom you know from your kids’ school or activity to join your group? When you go for a walk with your neighbor, do you text any neighbors whose homes you might pass just in case they feel left out? When was the last time a new person joined your book club? When you have a holiday cook out do you post it on NextDoor or your neighborhood Facebook group? When you go out to lunch with a coworker, do you invite everyone who may want to come?
Think about what you are saying in terms of adult relationships. It is not preschool where everyone includes the whole class. People should respond definitively to an invite and should not lie or make up excuses that are easily disproven on social media, but no one owes anyone an invite to a public event.

I think what you are looking for is direct communication, not necessarily inclusion. Sure it would have been nice if your kids had a group to hang out with. But at the minimum it would have been helpful if the friends responded “sorry I already agreed to meet up with Susie and Laura, but I’m not the organizer, so I don’t feel comfortable extending the invite.” Or “I’m going with these 2 people but we don’t have any more room in the car” - basically anything that would have allowed your kids to move on and call someone else.

THIS! We hold kids to such ridiculous social standards we would never expect of ourselves or other adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another Vienna parent here whose kids didn’t go. I have a 13 yo who thought about it and at the last minute said she wasn’t. There’s been a lot of drama in middle school this year so I know that was part of avoiding it all. Viva Vienna is a lot of social pressure and stressful for them. Also a surprise was my 16 yo, who also didn’t go. They talked about it with a friend for a few days and decided they were too old to go, but then drove by many times looking to see if they knew anyone there and likely wishing they had just went. I have dreaded this weekend for years now.

+1. Viva Vienna is only fun for some and AWFUL for others.

Absolutely agree. I also dreaded this weekend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Be more inclusive” - what exactly does that mean OP?
Next time you go to dinner or for drinks with your friends, will you call or text a mom you know from your kids’ school or activity to join your group? When you go for a walk with your neighbor, do you text any neighbors whose homes you might pass just in case they feel left out? When was the last time a new person joined your book club? When you have a holiday cook out do you post it on NextDoor or your neighborhood Facebook group? When you go out to lunch with a coworker, do you invite everyone who may want to come?
Think about what you are saying in terms of adult relationships. It is not preschool where everyone includes the whole class. People should respond definitively to an invite and should not lie or make up excuses that are easily disproven on social media, but no one owes anyone an invite to a public event.

I think what you are looking for is direct communication, not necessarily inclusion. Sure it would have been nice if your kids had a group to hang out with. But at the minimum it would have been helpful if the friends responded “sorry I already agreed to meet up with Susie and Laura, but I’m not the organizer, so I don’t feel comfortable extending the invite.” Or “I’m going with these 2 people but we don’t have any more room in the car” - basically anything that would have allowed your kids to move on and call someone else.

THIS! We hold kids to such ridiculous social standards we would never expect of ourselves or other adults.

Agree 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like every kid we know went to Viva Vienna with someone this weekend and no one invited or included my DD (13) or DS (15). They both reached out to friends and no one got back to them but they know from the socials that they were there. It's so disheartening when your teens aren't inclusive. They have friends and we host plenty so it's not a regular issue but it was very much in their face this weekend.
I don't have a question but a general sense of sadness for my kids and putting this PSA out to parents to teach your kids to be inclusive.

I offered to go with them to Viva Vienna but they said they'd rather die than be seen with their mom there.

You should have sent them together. I saw plenty of pairs not groups of friends.

+1 Isn't the whole point of having 2 or 3 kids giving them a lifelong friend to grow with?

I have an only and I'm sad she doesn't have a sibling. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up, but I had a lot of siblings close in age. There was always someone to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t be invited to every thing. Grow a backbone. They could have went with each other and had a good time. Don’t sit around waiting for an invitation.

OP said her kids reached out to friends but never heard back. They weren't waiting around for an invitation. And my 15 yo DS would rather die than go to VV with his 13 year old sister and possibly see his friends there....

That's kinda sad.

But at that age, that’s how some kids are (especially opposite sex siblings).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t be invited to every thing. Grow a backbone. They could have went with each other and had a good time. Don’t sit around waiting for an invitation.

OP said her kids reached out to friends but never heard back. They weren't waiting around for an invitation. And my 15 yo DS would rather die than go to VV with his 13 year old sister and possibly see his friends there....

That's kinda sad.

But at that age, that’s how some kids are (especially opposite sex siblings).

Yup

[Anonymous]

Look. I have teen girls who are each others best friends but they too would have been sad if each of their friends didn't reach out about VV plans and going together wouldn't have been the same. So it's understandable that older teen brother didn't want to go with younger teen sis.

[Anonymous]

Not saying yes to my teens having social media has been the best decision ever!
And it’s for exactly this reason.
My older daughter (shy and not super social) didn’t go—didn’t even occur to her to think about going and was not invited.
But younger daughter went and noted to me later that she saw a group of five girls there that older daughter eats lunch with and considers to be her friends.
Younger daughter did not tell her sister about the group sighting because she didn’t want to make her feel left out.
And since neither has social media, it’s unlikely older daughter will find out about the outing because it’s over now.

[Anonymous]

Lots of ridiculous pronouncements on this thread. The siblings should have gone together, or gone with a parent. If they'd rather stay home than go as a family group, I don't know what to tell you except that they're not learning the right things in life. I have a 14 and 19 year old. They've gone with friends, a parent or their sibling to similar events. No shame or guilt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why kids shouldn't have social media. You sound very immature if you are sad about this.

You wouldn't feel sad if your kids were sad about something?

No, this would not make me sad. You are not fragile. Your children are not fragile. This is very ordinary bumps and bruises of life. It is good for all people to experience it and know they will be just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why kids shouldn't have social media. You sound very immature if you are sad about this.

You wouldn't feel sad if your kids were sad about something?

No, this would not make me sad. You are not fragile. Your children are not fragile. This is very ordinary bumps and bruises of life. It is good for all people to experience it and know they will be just fine.

Spoken by the parent of someone whose kids didn't feel left out this weekend---

[Anonymous]

You probably didn’t read the messages they sent to “reach out” but I think you’d find it telling if you did.

So many kids this age are socially insecure, and not direct at all. They are so terrified of rejection that they are usually pretty vague in their methods and often wait to be asked. The issue is that the other kids are equally clueless and insecure so they don’t want to be the ones to stick their neck out and invite. And don’t always pick up on someone hinting around wanting to be invited either.

Social plans are driven by the confident, social director types who organize everything. My oldest daughter is this person and she’s not perfect but she doesn’t play exclusion games. The other kids in their group are often mad at her bc of sone perceived slight. And she’s so confused bc she’s like why didn’t they ask to come? She’s very busy, impatient and her attention to detail isn’t great so she doesn’t always pick up on hints. She tells me all the time that she is friends with who she’s friends with bc she likes them so more the merrier.

Teach your kid to be the directors. To plan. To start and be the initiator. It’ll be less frustrating than waiting for other people “to be more inclusive”