Can this marriage be saved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, 6 months -- you need to ride it out. It's almost odd that you have the extreme thoughts of ending your marriage, you displayed in your first post, after only 6 months.

100 percent this. It is shocking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

But she said it’s actually been more like a year with minimal intimacy and years where his personality changed. Not that she needs to jump to divorce, but it sounds like a little more than a speed bump and probably needs outside help to remedy the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there a reason you can't have a babysitter watch your kids so the two of you can just be a couple, go out and have it only be you two?

This is what we should have done 5-10 years ago…and then maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation.

Since we don’t talk at home and he’s become a miserable drag to be around, I hesitate to take this into a public situation like a restaurant.

I’ve asked him to go to the movies and dinner in the past without luck.

He seems checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

The other spouse has to want to improve the marriage, not just you. It sounds like they don’t want to. You can’t do it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there a reason you can't have a babysitter watch your kids so the two of you can just be a couple, go out and have it only be you two?

I remember one post where they had “state of the union” kind of discussions for their six month anniversary in a hotel room and was successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I’m a woman, and my husband is the one whose personality has dramatically changed.

When I said earlier that I haven’t changed, I meant my personality hasn’t changed. His personality has changed; he went from easygoing and extroverted to really, really negative and angry. It’s noticeable to our kids and close family (mostly his family has noticed).

We are under a lot of stress at the moment, but he’s handling it very poorly.

If he’s cheating, I’m done. I really don’t think he is.

If it’s low T or a midlife crisis, then that’s workable. Hopefully.

To the posters saying 6 months is too soon to think about divorce, let me clarify: I’m not contemplating divorce right now (I’d never leave my kids) and I’d prefer to not divorce when the last one launches. While it’s been 6+ months of no physical contact at all, it was a year+ of minimal contact. None of this happened overnight. If I’m being honest, his personality changed a few years ago: developed a short fuse and basically wasn’t the fun guy I married a million years ago.

I never thought this would happen to us. We seemed solid and happy. Hindsight being 20/20, we invested too much in our kids and careers instead of our marriage. While we were always doing kid stuff/family stuff, we stopped doing anything as just a couple…aside from sex. That’s why losing the intimacy hurts so much.

I mean if you are under a lot of stress give him some grace. He may learn to deal better. Congrats to you on being Pollyanna? If this is markedly different than other times you have gone through stressful periods, maybe have a chat with him about that in a calm moment. Have there been other times where your life was more stressful, or is this markedly more?

[Anonymous]

Also I don't mean that Pollyanna comment snarkily. If you really have been able to pull through a tough time resiliently and its a great thing to model to your children. Not everyone has that tool set though, especially not men.

[Anonymous]

I went through this, only he would pick fights and be absolutely nasty and demeaning. He had an emotional affair at work. Claims it didn’t get to physical (but I believe it would have, had I not found out or perhaps it did and there is no proof).

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re going to get many responses of people recovering a marriage after a spouse is this checked out. It sounds like your only hope is to get him into marriage counseling and maybe you’ll find out what’s really going on. It sounds like he’s having an affair but it’s possible other things could be happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

But she said it’s actually been more like a year with minimal intimacy and years where his personality changed. Not that she needs to jump to divorce, but it sounds like a little more than a speed bump and probably needs outside help to remedy the marriage.

It's funny you think OP is a she. It's a husband/father whose wife is full of resentment afteri doing all the work of raising the family while working full-time and her husband was just happy go lucky for the past 20 years. She's over it. He'll never change--and seems to be proud of it. I can tell you from experience as the wife, the resentment is overwhelming, everyday. I live with a weight of regret for not leaving earlier that makes that resentment grow every day. OP: did you ever thank your wife, one time? And when she tells you her issue is stress, how have you helped? Other than demand more "intimacy" and hugs when your selfish butt walks through that door every day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

But she said it’s actually been more like a year with minimal intimacy and years where his personality changed. Not that she needs to jump to divorce, but it sounds like a little more than a speed bump and probably needs outside help to remedy the marriage.

It's funny you think OP is a she. It's a husband/father whose wife is full of resentment afteri doing all the work of raising the family while working full-time and her husband was just happy go lucky for the past 20 years. She's over it. He'll never change--and seems to be proud of it. I can tell you from experience as the wife, the resentment is overwhelming, everyday. I live with a weight of regret for not leaving earlier that makes that resentment grow every day. OP: did you ever thank your wife, one time? And when she tells you her issue is stress, how have you helped? Other than demand more "intimacy" and hugs when your selfish butt walks through that door every day?

OP said she is a woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

That’s…not a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

But she said it’s actually been more like a year with minimal intimacy and years where his personality changed. Not that she needs to jump to divorce, but it sounds like a little more than a speed bump and probably needs outside help to remedy the marriage.

It's funny you think OP is a she. It's a husband/father whose wife is full of resentment afteri doing all the work of raising the family while working full-time and her husband was just happy go lucky for the past 20 years. She's over it. He'll never change--and seems to be proud of it. I can tell you from experience as the wife, the resentment is overwhelming, everyday. I live with a weight of regret for not leaving earlier that makes that resentment grow every day. OP: did you ever thank your wife, one time? And when she tells you her issue is stress, how have you helped? Other than demand more "intimacy" and hugs when your selfish butt walks through that door every day?

OP said she is a woman

But PP was on such a roll!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I’m a woman, and my husband is the one whose personality has dramatically changed.

When I said earlier that I haven’t changed, I meant my personality hasn’t changed. His personality has changed; he went from easygoing and extroverted to really, really negative and angry. It’s noticeable to our kids and close family (mostly his family has noticed).

We are under a lot of stress at the moment, but he’s handling it very poorly.

If he’s cheating, I’m done. I really don’t think he is.

If it’s low T or a midlife crisis, then that’s workable. Hopefully.

To the posters saying 6 months is too soon to think about divorce, let me clarify: I’m not contemplating divorce right now (I’d never leave my kids) and I’d prefer to not divorce when the last one launches. While it’s been 6+ months of no physical contact at all, it was a year+ of minimal contact. None of this happened overnight. If I’m being honest, his personality changed a few years ago: developed a short fuse and basically wasn’t the fun guy I married a million years ago.

I never thought this would happen to us. We seemed solid and happy. Hindsight being 20/20, we invested too much in our kids and careers instead of our marriage. While we were always doing kid stuff/family stuff, we stopped doing anything as just a couple…aside from sex. That’s why losing the intimacy hurts so much.

I mean if you are under a lot of stress give him some grace. He may learn to deal better. Congrats to you on being Pollyanna? If this is markedly different than other times you have gone through stressful periods, maybe have a chat with him about that in a calm moment. Have there been other times where your life was more stressful, or is this markedly more?

We aren’t newbies and we’ve been together forever, so we’ve navigated very stressful periods in the past…and he handled those situations better.

It’s normal life stuff, not anything truly awful like cancer or criminal behavior. Just adulting.