Husband surprised me and I want to cry (not joyful tears)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you 100% sure that every gift and kind gesture you have ever given your husband has been exactly what he wanted? That you have never missed the mark at all? Does he show appreciation if it wasn’t his favourite gift or does he tell you how disappointed he is in your gifts as they are not exactly what he would choose for himself.

Before you take the advice to tell him off, be sure that is the dynamic and precedent you want to create. That expressing disappointment and unhappiness when you put in effort to do something nice or give him a gift you thought was thoughtful but he doesn’t love it is the response you want from now on.

For us, we would appreciate the gesture and gift and good intentions and then slowly move things out or change things over.

She needs to set the precedent that this is her space. He has his space and they share a bedroom and the rest of the house.

Do you really think he would have gotten support on here if while he was setting up his office and ensuite, OP has gotten him some towels and a garbage can and hooks and he had responded with tears and disappointment and told her she was controlling, passive aggressive, not thoughtful at all and how dare she mess with his space? That he wasn’t going to sore her deeming air be a doormat so she better get her unwanted m stuff out of his space and her touch any run in there again.

I highly doubt posters would have cheered him for coming down hard in her for getting him a few things for his space…if he followed the advice in this thread. To tell her I am setting a precedent so you know not to be so thoughtless and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't say a thing. He tired and that's huge, his intentions were sweet you don't say a thing.

I totally disagree. Tell him how you feel, or he will keep doing stuff like this. Acknowledge that his intentions were good, but TELL HIM that your first reaction was to cry because of the reasons that you expressed.

Does your husband do that to you a lot? Tell you that he wants to cry because you didn’t get the perfect gift. That he is so disappointed that he is in tears because the garbage can and hooks you got for his man cave or garage are the wrong colour? And you appreciate knowing how upset you made him by getting he wrong colours?

I find that such an odd dynamic to have. To use emotional manipulation and disappointment if your Payne doesn’t read your mind.

I am the person that you are responding to and, no, my husband doesn't do that to me because - NEWS FLASH - I don't mess with his stuff. And I usually ask for gift ideas. But if I didn't, and I got him something he didn't like, I would want him to tell me because we are adults and we can return things for something we like better. And if I really crossed a line like OP's husband, I would want him to make that absolutely clear.

[Anonymous]

She probably had the desk arranged so the sun coming in from the window was going to hit her screen all day, and being the WFH pro that he is, did her a solid. The rest of the stuff was probably just laying around the house already.

[Anonymous]

This is marriage, lol. Trying so hard to support and connect and then missing the mark. Feeling unseen. And simply the challenges of sharing space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

[Anonymous]

Men usually have such bad taste. They are so oblivious. I would thank him, but decorate your office exactly how you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

So if you moved the furniture around in his office from the way he had arranged it, and you decorated it with a bunch of hot pink accessories, he wouldn’t be annoyed? And if he was in any way outwardly put out, you would never do anything nice for him again? Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a controlling husband. He did not want you to have your own space that he did not create. Stop crying and assert yourself.

[Anonymous]

Thank him for being so supportive and then gradually change everything back how it was, lol. Oh I didn’t want to look at an ugly old printer all the time so I got this cabinet that fits it perfectly … oh little Larla needed a trash can for her craft projects so I moved it to her room … oh I like to look out the window (or I don’t, whatever!) so I moved the desk a little … oh the hooks fell off the wall, must have been too rough hanging up my stuff … I mean don’t offer those explanations unless asked but have them at the back of your mind. And he’ll probably never notice anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone telling OP to “lash out.” That you can’t imagine a mature conversation between a couple where she acknowledges his effort but also makes clear how important this space is to her is pretty telling.

[Anonymous]

Stay quiet!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

You don't get it because your relationship is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay quiet!!!!!

Stay sweet!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

You don't get it because your relationship is different.

OP has barely told us about their relationship so we don't actually know.