Husband surprised me and I want to cry (not joyful tears)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

So if you moved the furniture around in his office from the way he had arranged it, and you decorated it with a bunch of hot pink accessories, he wouldn’t be annoyed? And if he was in any way outwardly put out, you would never do anything nice for him again? Ok.

Many women own tons of black products. That is a bizarre stance that black is for men and pink is for women. And if as a kind gesture and gift, I put a beige garbage can and printer and hooks in his office with a sweet note to celebrate a job success he had - he would not react with annoyance and tears and disappointment. And if he did lash out at me, I wouldn't do nice things for him again.

In the moment he would be appreciate and thankful for the gesture. He might later change it out or tell me he was going for an all black look but he wouldn't complain or be irritated or angry or emotionally reactive in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of you have unhappy marriages to interpret this as retaliation, control, passive aggressive.


I have often gone out and gotten a few things for people to celebrate something. They might not have been the exact perfect gift but the gestures have been appreciated as an I am thinking of you and wanted to show you I care. No one in my life responds with negativity about it not being exactly what they wanted.

So you have a different situation from OP. Next.

[Anonymous]

I'd be upset too OP. It's your space. Why did he think it was okay to change it. I'd tell him thanks for the thought, but I want it my way and would appreciate it if you didn't do anything to my space unless I ask for help, if that doesn't go over well, you have bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

Yeah OP, this post nails it. Can you not just tell your husband "I love you, and love that you did this for me - but it is not quite the style I had in mind"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

You don't get it because your relationship is different.

OP has barely told us about their relationship so we don't actually know.

We know that he didn't pay attention to her efforts to define the space for herself. That he didn't think to ask her if his changes would work for her and, yet, expects her to be happy because he did it. Total disconnect. OP, were you treated like this in your family of origin? Your reaction, crying instead of asserting yourself, would indicate this is not a new dynamic in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, he's trying. Focus on the sweet, then slowly and quietly change things back. Trash can is easy first change. Printer can go in a cabinet? Things like switching the desk - you can say after working for a week or so you need to face other way for light. Same with lamp. Just do it slowly so it feels more like you are settling in.

First, congratulations on your new job. It sounds like your husband is trying and what he did was sweet, even though it wasn’t your taste. I agree that you should slowly change things back to how you like them them or want them.

[Anonymous]

This must be one of those troll relationship threads where an OP presents something banal but polarizing then peaces out while DCUM tears each other apart

[Anonymous]

Yeah maybe it's the fact that she cries over a garbage can and it took her a month to set up a desk prompted him to give her a helping hand here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

So if you moved the furniture around in his office from the way he had arranged it, and you decorated it with a bunch of hot pink accessories, he wouldn’t be annoyed? And if he was in any way outwardly put out, you would never do anything nice for him again? Ok.

Many women own tons of black products. That is a bizarre stance that black is for men and pink is for women. And if as a kind gesture and gift, I put a beige garbage can and printer and hooks in his office with a sweet note to celebrate a job success he had - he would not react with annoyance and tears and disappointment. And if he did lash out at me, I wouldn't do nice things for him again.

In the moment he would be appreciate and thankful for the gesture. He might later change it out or tell me he was going for an all black look but he wouldn't complain or be irritated or angry or emotionally reactive in the moment.

You’re deliberately mischaracterizing the situation. He didn’t just get her a printer and trash can and hang up some hooks. He also physically moved her desk (a massive change in an office space). Also no one has lashed out or contemplated lashing out.

[Anonymous]

I mean I truly think that your husband was trying to show how much he supports this new transition to WFH. Moving the desk was weird, but the other additions, task lamp, printer, trash can and hooks, are clearly utilitarian and meant to be “home office musts”. It’s quite thoughtful actually.

BUT, you cannot just suck it up and not say anything, because you will just be rewarding this behavior and reinforcing to him that his instincts about what you want are right, when clearly they are SO not. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time you’ve just put and shut up so you don’t appear ungrateful, and now he doesn’t know your taste at all but thinks he does.

Tell him you loved the note and that all of it was so thoughtful, and can he please help you put the desk back to where it was? And then, good call on the trash can—I’m going to order one that matches the space! I don’t really need hooks, but I like the idea of putting something on the wall there! Thanks for that (and then find your own art, shelf, corkboard, whatever) etc etc

(If he got the printer more for himself and not you, then nvm what I said, he sucks, make him put it in his own office)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, he's trying. Focus on the sweet, then slowly and quietly change things back. Trash can is easy first change. Printer can go in a cabinet? Things like switching the desk - you can say after working for a week or so you need to face other way for light. Same with lamp. Just do it slowly so it feels more like you are settling in.

First, congratulations on your new job. It sounds like your husband is trying and what he did was sweet, even though it wasn’t your taste. I agree that you should slowly change things back to how you like them them or want them.

If he’s too fragile to have an actual conversation with, so be it. But I don’t see why she should have to keep things the way she doesn’t want for any length of time. If the thesis is that he can’t be expected to notice enough about the work she’s done to be actually thoughtful or take her preferences into consideration, I don’t know why we have to assume he would notice/care if it all changes back right away.

[Anonymous]

OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

[Anonymous]

What would a man do?

It does feel kinda icky that he did this right before your first day. It's set up so well so he can gaslight you into being ungrateful. I don't know, this sets off weird alarm bells for me.

[Anonymous]

Was the note written on the right stationary? In the right font? With the right colour pen? If not, that is worth a good cry and let him know he effed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would a man do?

It does feel kinda icky that he did this right before your first day. It's set up so well so he can gaslight you into being ungrateful. I don't know, this sets off weird alarm bells for me.

I’m curious how often he went in and rearranged things when it was a playroom.