How on earth do I date as a widow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is awkward. Maybe just focus on your 2 kids right now.

This. You should focus on your children.

Do you euphemistically mean “never date”? If so, let’s be clear about it. I was divorced and was always “focused on my children.” They were always the priority, but I did get to date again (and remarry).

OP, a few helpful responses are in the thread here. Please ignore the ones that say that you should never date, ever, and be a spinster forever. (No one would ever tell a widower man that!) When you’re emotionally ready — and because you asked the question, we should assume that you are — dip a toe into the dating pool. Don’t expect everything to happen immediately. You’ll meet some duds, but some good ones, too. Maybe something will gradually become a long-term thing, and maybe not. But dating is supposed to be fun, and starting to have fun again is precisely what you deserve after what you’ve been through.

I grew up with kids whose dad remarried soon after their mom died from cancer. He married another widow. She was a step witch. It ended badly for his kids, not hers. Dad should have focused on raising his young kids, not dating.

No, you shouldn’t be a spinster forever, but you can put off dating and focus on your kids instead of coming from a place desperation. Eventually, OP will be ready and won’t be posting on Internet forums. She’ll just start dating for fun, not because she hates being without a man. The fact that she’s posting on here shows how not ready she is. H the fact that she’s worried about how she compares to other singles illustrates that of mind isn’t right, no matter how much she wants it to be. Her focus should be on her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not date. If you look for someone 10 years older, you'll become a live in nurse. Plus if you have young kids the risk of a male sexually abusing them is incredibly high. Wait until you kids are grown.

What idiotic statements. Your IQ and EQ both must be roughly equivalent to room temperature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Date ten years older than you and it will work out better.

Ewww.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date ten years older than you and it will work out better.

More mature, professionally and financially settled, grounded in life.

Would you also tell this to a widower? Probably not, you sexist.

[Anonymous]

Are you religious? Leaning into that might help. If my wife died I would only marry a widow or someone who was never married (b/c of religious convictions). As my age increases, the widow becomes more likely than the never married. There are others like me (whether never married or widowers) who aren't going to be dating divorced women, so you are attractive. The fact that you previously had a good marriage is a feature, not a bug. A good man will be happy that you had that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not date. If you look for someone 10 years older, you'll become a live in nurse. Plus if you have young kids the risk of a male sexually abusing them is incredibly high. Wait until you kids are grown.

Incredibly high? Really? Do you have numbers to back this up? Or is it just paranoia?

My grandma met her second husband at my grandpa's funeral. Her girls were 1 and 3. My mom's stepfather molested her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not date. If you look for someone 10 years older, you'll become a live in nurse. Plus if you have young kids the risk of a male sexually abusing them is incredibly high. Wait until you kids are grown.

Incredibly high? Really? Do you have numbers to back this up? Or is it just paranoia?

My grandma met her second husband at my grandpa's funeral. Her girls were 1 and 3. My mom's stepfather molested her.

We welcome input from our resident statistician. Very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for your loss. I am not in this situation but I have friends that were. It is similar to a divorce in a way. There is no right time universally, it is whenever you feel it is right. Who cares about the pictures in your home? The potential men should not be in your home…

OP here. Thanks for the sympathy. I think you’re reading too literally into my exaggerated metaphor (“burn” the pictures of my spouse). All I meant, I guess, was I’m afraid that any partner will be put off by the emotional “relationship” I still have with my late husband. Let’s not put the cart before the horse by making assumptions about when I would or wouldn’t have any future partner into my home — I’m just trying to figure out how to take the first steps here!

How long has it been?

I have a young widowed friend with two kids... I think it took her a couple of years before she was really ready to open her heart to someone new. When she was ready, it happened very quickly (I think it was a friend of a friend) and she is very happy now. I think you will find the men who are open to your situation tend to be very kind.

I think there’s something to the PP’s last sentence. I agree that kindness is something that the right man would need to have. And in that sense you will probably weed out the unkind or bad fit men pretty quickly. All I can say is that there are all kinds of relationships and family structures out there in this big wide world. Open your heart and intentions and I have a great feeling the universe will help you find the right partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do t think your situation is much different than mine. 30s, divorced, full custody of young kids, dad lives in another city so not really in the picture. Personally I’m focused on healing and giving 100% to my kids during this hard time. Can’t imagine wanting to date!

Most people do not gave full custody. 50/50 is more attractive for dating. You are an anomaly to have full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a jackpot! Many men don't want babies (medium sized kids?! Yes please!) and no man wants to deal with the ex who has custody 50/50. Sure there's still some emotionally immature men who can't handle a woman who has gone through tragedy, but there's good men out there as well where you're the golden egg. Get on some apps, test the waters, don't settle and own how amazing you and your kids are!

I guess I will be the voice of dissent and say I think it's worse than divorce with 50/50 custody solely because you have the kids 100% of the time. I think that will make it much harder to date and I think 100% custody is less appealing than 50/50 with minimal drama (big assumption here of course).

That's not a slam against you btw, I just think the practical realities of dating are going to be harder too. You will always need a sitter before a date rather than dating on off custody days.

I think this could be mitigated if you have significant family support. Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: A young widow with two young kids is far more attractive to men than a young divorcee with two young kids. You don’t have any ex spousal baggage and custody issues. Just let your friends know that you’d be interested in meeting someone and you will do fine.

+1. It will be easier than you think. Just try to have fun for now and go slow.

Please do share how she’s supposed to “try to have fun” when she has several young children at home who are dealing with the trauma of losing their father? Is she just supposed to drop them while meeting up with random dudes from Hinge?

I feel like the people making these comments are not parents. The logistics involved with OP dating are huge. She can’t just go out and try to have fun. She needs to take a step back and focus on her children.

There will be time enough for companionship once they have launched.

So, someone who has a baby and loses a spouse shouldn't have any companionship for the next 21 years?

That's absurd. Obviously, someone would need to take some time to grieve, and help the children with their grief, but OP seems to have done that, and is ready to explore new relationships. She should proceed slowly, probably starting with meeting away from her home, and not involving her children. But wanting and seeking companionship is fine.

+1. In fact, I think it would be actively harmful to send young people the message that the death of a partner means you get no more companionship again for 20 years.

+1 the sooner the kids have a male role model(s) in their lives, the better

[Anonymous]

Fellow widow here chiming in with my own experience. I was widowed in my 30s with young children. They unsurprisingly were my main focus for a few years and I also had to restart my work-life and figure out the whole only-parent dynamic. While I have great friends and a supportive extended family, I knew I wanted...something.

I did get to a point where I met a great guy through friends. He was going through a divorce and we moved very slowly at first. I was deeply in love with my husband and grieved a great deal. But we got a good vibe going and always put our kids' needs ahead of our own - he has two older sons who have mostly lived with him post-divorce. We have no plans to ever cohabitate and I'm not sure I ever will remarry. It's not off the table but I have come to cherish my independence and look forward to my nest emptying over the next few years.

I wish you well, OP. Everyone's situation and outlook is so different. I know other widows who swore they wanted to recouple ASAP and never have; along with those planned to be solo forever and then met someone new. You just never know. The only advice I'd give is to go slow and trust your instincts. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

My next door neighbors each loss their spouse at a young age and each had young children.

Mr. Larlo met Mrs. Larla as Mrs. Larla was Mr.Larlo's sons second grade teacher. His son was not doing well in school as he had an eye disease. Mrs. Larla did not want to date. Mr. Larlo took things slowly. He had met a lot of desperate women on the dating scene and it turned him off. They ended up getting married and were happy for decades until they each passed.

Take things slowly.

There are some widow/widower support groups available also.

where is there a widow support group? Please provide a link.

[Anonymous]

I am a widow, though a little older than you. If you’re on Facebook there’s a support group for young dating widows… https://www.facebook.com/share/225gajGnhcoSk3GD/?mibextid=K35XfP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry I didn't finish the last post.

I wouldn't erase all memory of the man. I'd have a small number of family photos out, in one place. A dignified memorial seems fine. But I'd be careful not to make it look like a ghost lives in the house.

I am a widow and I only have one small picture up. There are other things displayed but only I know the significance of the item and how it relates to my LH.